Prose from High School

I was looking through some of my old files the other day and I found some of my old writings from high school. It’s funny to see how I’ve changed since then. Here’s a speech I wrote and delivered at a variety show at my old high school. Enjoy.

My fellow high school students, friends, at the beginning of this year, I was planning on running for student body president. I thought, “Yeah, me, president.” But then I thought, “The only reason I want to be president is to be called ‘president,’ the title, the name, the authority and superiority that demands respect and awe. But I didn’t really want to do all the things that a president has to do.”

That is why I suggest I be your… Grand High Death General!

As Grand High Death General I will personally see to it that everybody obeys my every command, that every one of my mere whims becomes law! You will be my servants. I will be your master, your leader, and your messiah! You will erect many temples in my honor! I will rule this school with an iron fist of power that’s really powerful and full of iron! You don’t have to vote for me. I’ll simply overthrow that flag-burning commie-spy you call a president with my legion of scary men! In a short time, I will be everything that matters to you! I will sit on my throne and crush you all with the heel of my boot! I am the Grand High Death General! The greatest person on the planet! Just remember, soon I will be in charge, as your Grand High Death General!

Apologies: First, I no longer throw around the term “flag-burning commie-spy.” It is very unlikely that you will ever meet a person who is: a) a communist, b) a flag-burner, and c) an actual spy. Second, I disapprove of mortal totalitarianism in all its forms.

In my files I also found this passionate thing I wrote. It’s sort of a speech, I guess, but I never delivered it. I’m pretty sure it was inspired by one of my favorite poems, When I Heard the Learned Astronomer, by Walt Whitman.

Hello science students. I am Mr. Brown, and I am quite an accomplished scientist myself. I understand that your class is learning about the solar system, space, and the stars. Here in the 21st Century, with all of our advanced technology and more intelligent ways of looking at things, we know all about the stars. The stars are no longer the mysterious anomalies they once were.

But imagine you are a caveman living in 6000 BC. You have hunted a buffalo or wildebeest all day without any luck. You are tired, hungry, and simple-minded. Your feeble brain could never grasp the concept of a telephone or an automobile, and to you, the stars are a complete closed book. You have no way of telling how close they are or how big they are or how much heat they emit. You walk many miles back to your humble campsite as the prehistoric sun falls over the untouched mountain range fading in the distance. You trudge over the cold ground until the stark blackness surrounds you. Then you realize that you have lost your way and decide to stay there for the night. So you lay down on the ground and try to cover up with some leaves nearby. Then your eyes wander up to the heavens where the tiny white dots hang in the vast abyss of the night. You stare at the mesmerizing twinkling of the mystical unmapped stars in wonder and your uncivilized primitive mind perceives them as awe-inspiring and beautiful.

How simple these cavemen were! Here in the 21st Century, thanks to all the scientific advances that have been made, we know that there is nothing magical about the stars. They are not mystical or mysterious, and to the intelligent and educated, stars do not inspire awe. Stars are simply large celestial bodies composed of gravitationally contained hot gasses emitting electromagnetic radiation, especially light, as a result of nuclear reactions inside the star.

And so, my students of science, I implore you to continue your study of stars with the aide of your textbook and your science teacher. Thank you for this visit.

Apology: All the astronomers I’ve talked to are awed by the stars and don’t feel like they’ve figured the stars all out. I doubt that there are many Mr. Brown type astronomers out there.

Here is an article I wrote for a newspaper class that I was in my senior year of high school. Oh man, I was such a bad student then. I was so bad I actually got kicked out of the class. I guess I was an angry teenager.

It has taken the life of my sister. It has scarred many others, destroying their brain matter, and it’s spreading like wildfire.

Originally spawned from Kentucky, it has moved outward, systematically conquering approximately a third of the planet. It especially targets the little towns, the small, pleasant communities.

But it’s not far away in some tropical rainforest. It has even infested Sahuarita, the place we all call home.


What am I talking about? A disease? Some deadly new virus? No, I speak of something far worse…

I speak of Wal-Mart!

You might be asking yourself, “What have you got against Wal-Mart? Why is Wal-Mart so bad?

Well I’ll you why Wal-Mart is bad!

Wal-Mart has no union. Therefore, they can treat their employees like dirt and get away with it.

Wal-Mart is so enormously humungous, it’s sickening. There’s millions in America, but Wal-Mart is widespread across the globe. I heard that about two years ago they bought the third largest department store chain in Europe. They’re in over 16 countries!! It’s insane!!

This morning in government class, I learned that S. Robson Walton, the founder of Wal-Mart, is the 17th richest man in America. They’re making bookoo bucks while their brainwashed employees go on living off of Ramen Noodles and cheap booze.

Once, I saw these three little girls in blue Wal-Mart vests, getting a tour of the store. It was very disturbing. They’re brainwashing the children early! They go after the small and weak ones!

While I was in the toy section, I was appalled and frightened when my eyes fell upon a toy electronic cash register. Now, the average Joe might see it, walk along, and think, “What’ll they think of next?” and then pass by.

But I, and everyone else whose eyes are open, stare at it and cringe. An electronic cash register!! Do you know what this means? They’re training the kids early on to be cashiers at Wal-Mart!

Another thing, you know those scanning machine things that you use to scan the bar code of an item and get the price? Sure, it may seem like a new convenience, but it’s actually a conspiracy! They’re training you to scan items as a Wal-Mart employee!!

Please, I beg you, for the sake of Planet Earth, stop shopping at Wal-Mart!!

It’s evil and scary and taking over the planet!! Twenty years from now, we’ll all be living and shopping at Wal-Mart with bar codes branded onto our foreheads.

But don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Corrections and Apologies: First off, this article has way too many exclamation marks. Wal-Mart started in Arkansas, not Kentucky. There are not millions of Wal-Mart stores in America. The founder of Wal-Mart is Sam Walton, not S. Robson Walton. If anybody reading this shops or works at Wal-Mart, I apologize. Let me clarify my position. I now respect, admire and patronize Wal-Mart. I even worked there for a summer as an overnight stocker and actually enjoyed the job. Another thing: I really really think that “bookoo” or some variant of it, is a word, and it just means “a lot.” But apparently Microsoft Word doesn’t think it’s a word, and I don’t feel like looking it up in the dictionary.

OK, that’s enough for this entry. See you later.