55 minutes of Terror: Mr. Fanny’s Class

Here's another scene I wrote in high school. I'm not really sure if it's intended for the stage or for the screen. It's based on real events. There's a lot of inside jokes in it. Enjoy.



55 minutes of Terror: Mr. Fanny’s Class

Setting: Mr. Fanny’s classroom. 1998.

Mr. Fanny: There will be absolutely no working on other stuff in this class. If you work on anything else it will be mine! Now get to work! Kelly?

Kelly: Yes, Mr. Fanny?

Mr. Fanny: Are you working on bettering your soul? You know like Mother Teresa or something?

Kelly: Well, I’d like to think I am.

Mr. Fanny: Come with me outside. (Full of doom. Scary music.)

Kelly: Yes Mr. Fanny. (They step outside)

Mr. Fanny: YOUR SOUL IS NOW MINE!!! (Kelly faints. Mr. Fanny laughs evil-like and then returns to the classroom.) Kelly had an accident. She went to the nurse. Sabonis, you’re not going to state, are you, you drug-using cheater and loser.

Sabrina: Look, Mr. Fanny, I don’t smoke. Those were just stupid little rumors by stupid little people.

Mr. Fanny: Oh that’s not what I heard from my sources. Why’d we lose last night?

Sabrina: Probably because you put in you worst pitcher instead of me.

Mr. Fanny: I don’t got time to discuss this. So I’ll come to your house later tonight because I know where you live because I stalk you. Now it’s time for a lesson. Wait a minute. The quote on the board is big and then it gets small! C’mon, Paige, you’re the student body President and you can’t even write the quote right? I am really really disappointed in this class. (Paige starts to get up.) Never mind. Go play Yatzhee. You’re not going to beat my score. And if you do, then… then… I’ll erase it.

Frank: (to Yuri) Whisper whisper whisper.

Mr. Fanny: No talking! You know, I don’t even know why I don’t know because you just know you know?! That doesn’t make any sense. That just doesn’t make any sense. I’m sick and tired of you guys being talking you know!

Frank: I’m sorry Mr. Fanny.

Mr. Fanny: It’s too late now my feelings are already hurt. Look how much time we’ve wasted because of you. Back to the lesson. (writes on the board.) OK. X squared minus four cubed plus one over seven equals… that. Does everyone agree that I am dumb?

Class: (in unison) Yes, Mr. Fanny.

Mr. Fanny: OK, get to work. (walks towards Frank. Gets big grin.) Frank, I think you
left something in my class yesterday. Is this your sweater?

Frank: Yes.

Mr. Fanny: You look just like my little caped avenger. Mmm? See your cape? (Puts sweater around Frank. Gets close to him, cheek to cheek.) I like your hair. It’s so spiky!

Emily: Mr. Fanny, can you help me on this problem?

Mr. Fanny: Sure.

Emily: Well I’m trying to get this on that side but (volume goes low.)

Mr. Fanny: (Thinking) football… football… football… mmm… peanut.

Emily: So is that right?

Mr. Fanny: Football.

Emily: What?

Mr. Fanny: Nevermind. Anybody mind if I listen to music? (goes over to desk.) No
Paige, how many times do I have to tell you to keep the sixes? Get off, I wanna listen to my Indian chant music. (He puts in CD and hums along. The bell rings.) Goodbye everybody. Have a nice day. See you later Frank, my little caped avenger. Sabonis, get back here!

Sabrina: What do you want, Mr. Fanny?

Fanny: I want you to know that today in softball practice I’m going to be throwing softballs at the girls faces and I don’t want you complaining about it. We need to practice getting hit in the face. And I might push some people around, too.

Sabrina: (whiny voice) But Mr. Fanny… (Mr. Fanny’s head gets big. Hypnotizing swirl behind his head)

Mr. Fanny: You are under my control. You will do what ever I say.

Sabrina: (hypnotized, robot voice.) Yes. See you later.

Mr. Fanny: Another good day. Soon I will have all their souls! Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!

Curtain