The Mighty Adventures of Emu-Man!

Here’s another scene I wrote in high school.

The Mighty Adventures of Emu-Man!

Scene: A sidewalk. Weeber, a nerd, is walking along with his nose in a book. Three bullies come up behind him. The leader of the bullies is Jack.

Jack: Hey Weeber. Is the little nerd boy enjoying his nerd books?

Weeber: Why yes I am. This one is very fascinating. It’s about the process of cell division, called mitosis. You see, mitosis is a very complicated process, involving-

Roger: Can it, Weeber! Save your scientific words for your nerd classes and your nerd teachers at your nerd school!

Ralph: Hey I got an idea. Let’s beat up Weeber, like we usually do!

Jack: Yeah!

Weeber: Oh no! I’m being attacked! Who will save me now? (Emu-Man enters)

Emu-man: Don’t worry, my pint-sized unfortunate underdog, I’ll save you!

Jack: Who are you?

Emu-Man: I am Emu-Man! (bullies gasp.) Protector of good! Defender of purity! Advocator of Peace! I protect the city from no-good evil-doing villains! I patrol the streets of this city day and night and make them safe for the law-abiding tax-paying good citizens of America! (pause.) And I sell hot dogs on the side.

Jack: Emu-Man? That’s the dorkiest name I’ve ever heard.

Emu-Man: Those who make fun of Emu-Man only make fun of themselves!

Jack: What’s that supposed to mean?

Emu-Man: Those who ask stupid questions of Emu-Man are only replied with laughter. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! (Weeber runs over to Emu-Man)

Weeber: Thank you for saving me, Emu-Man! You’re my hero!

Emu-Man: Being a hero is always my job, little boy! (to bullies) And so you see, no-good evil-doers, good will always triumph over evil! You playground bullies were no match for the mighty fist of Emu-Man!

Jack: Oh yeah, well as soon as we find out where you live, we’ll beat you up, too.

Emu-Man: Ha! The secret location of my hidden base will never be revealed to the likes of you!

Roger: You think youre all big and bad, but you’re wearing tights! Dizzamn! That’s wiggidy-
wiggidy-wiggidy-wak!

Emu-Man: I’ll have you know that these top-of-the-line latex leg-tubes are equipped with all the space-age technology available to modern man to allow for superhuman speed and amazing aerodynamics!

Jack: Oh yeah, well if your name’s Emu-man, then why do you have those stupid antennae balls on? Everyone know that emus don’t have antennas!

Emu-Man: Mind your own business!

Roger: You check this, fool! If you’re supposed to be some kind of superhero, then what are your wiggidy pizzowers?

Emu-Man: My what?

Roger: Yo check this: I said what are your wiggidy pizzowers?

Emu-Man: Excuse me?

Jack: He said, what are your cool superhuman powers, dawg?

Emu-Man: I don’t appreciate you calling me a dog, but I’ll have you know that I used to be a mild-mannered emu farmer. Until one day, as fate would have it, I was bitten by a radioactive emu! The emu’s radioactivity gave me the proportional speed, strength and build of an emu!

Ralph: (Pokes Emu-Man in the stomach) Looks like you have the proportional build of gumby!
Emu-Man: Hey, do you want to hear the rest of my origin story or not?

Weeber: I’m listening, Mr. Emu-Man, with great interest.

Emu-Man: Then allow me to continue. As I said before, I had great superhuman powers. I decided to use them just like any hero would- I made myself a costume and started protecting the streets. I moved down here because my emu-farm went bankrupt, with my superhero job getting in the way. (less heroically) My Mom let me move back in, so I live there now. I’m 44 years old, and I live with my Mom.

Jack: I thought you would never reveal the secret location of your hidden base!

Emu-Man: Uh… I mean I really don’t live with my Mom! I have a secret customized high-tech cave that you don’t know about! But I must be off! For Emu-Man has many other important things to do and people to save! Just remember, whenever a bully is picking on a kid, Emu-Man will be there! Whenver there is crime and corruption in the streets, Emu-Man will be there! And wherever there is free ice-cream involved, Emu-Man will be there! (Emu-Man exits)

Weeber: Oh Emu-Man, I want to be your sidekick and make myself a costume and I can be called Emu-Boy and I can use all my scientific knowledge to set up a crime lab and-

Jack: Hey, it looks like that dumb Emu-dork is gone! Let’s beat up Weeber again!

Weeber: Oh no! (The bullies chase Weeber off-stage.)

Curtain.