De-motivational Speaker

I bet some of my blog posts are boring. Especially the one with the essay I wrote about Animal Farm and The Soul of Man Under Socialism. I would rather have you read Animal Farm and The Soul of Man Under Socialism for yourself rather than reading what I had to say about it. Oh well. This blog post will be more entertaining, though.

By popular demand, here is my de-motivational speech I wrote in high school:

De-motivational Speaker

Scene: Dennis Brown, a de-motivational speaker, is speaking to a high-school student body in an auditorium.


Dennis: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. My name is Dennis Brown and today your parents and teachers have asked me to come here and speak to you about a few things. You see, university tuition costs are rising and the sparkly dream factory of Hollywood is raising kids to believe that 16 year olds have enough talent to make it in the big time. These kids don’t know what the big time really is, they just think, “yeah, I’m gonna make it big time!” or “Someday I’m gonna move out of this small town and take America like the Muppets took Manhattan!” Your parents were concerned that all these big ideas have gotten into your heads and set up camp there and that those big dreams are pushing out old useful things like history, religion, and dog races.

So that’s why I’m here to talk to you about a few things. Things that may change your way of thinking. Now I know there’s been other speakers speeding through this town filling up your brains with positive ideas about your potential and that all you need is some persistence and some of them might have even gone so far as to say: “You can do it!” Ha ha ha.

But really, I’m here to tell you a different message. A message that not everybody wants to hear. But it’s a little more truthful, a little more honest, and a heck of a lot more attainable.

Now some of you here in the audience tonight have big dreams like, “I’m gonna be a movie star” or “I’m gonna take the most beautiful girl to the prom,” or, “I’m gonna start up a website and become an instant millionaire.” I know, I know, I’ve heard it all before. But listen to me closely now I have something to tell you:

YOU’RE NOT GOING TO BE AS SUCCESSFUL AS YOU WANT TO BE.

It’s a hard fact of life, but it’s a fact of life that you’re going to have to learn, and the sooner the better. You see, thousands of people across the planet try and try and try for goals that they can never achieve. And what do they get for all that trying? Nothing. Nada. Zip. They’ve wasted a lifetime trying to become something they’re not when they should have just stayed in their place on the mainstream American assembly-line.

You may think I’m wrong for assuming this about you. Granted, I don’t know you. But do I want to know you? Odds are I don’t. You’re probably not fresh, creative, interesting, and by looking at you I can tell that I don’t want to look at you.

Oh I’m sorry, that last comment might have gone over your head. Translation: You’re ugly people.

But hey, I’m not holding that against you. Most people aren’t interesting or good-looking. Most people aren’t intelligent and fresh, and you’re just one of the rest of them. There’s nothing wrong with that. You should be satisfied with your normalcy.

So remember, aim low. If you put your aspirations way down here, (motions by feet.) at least you’ll have a chance at relative success. Keep in mind that there’s nothing wrong with being a cashier at your local grocery store for the rest of your life. You may not like your job, but so what? Nobody really likes his or her job. Of course there are some genius rich professionals who are happy with their work, but those people were born geniuses. You, on the other hand, are definitely not a genius.

Point is, you’re not meant to like your job. How selfish are you anyway? You think that just because drawing or acting makes you happy that someone should pay you to do it? You expect to be able to do anything you want that supposedly gives you joy and that supposedly you’ve dreamt of ever since you were in elementary school, and you expect someone to pay your rent and feed you kids?

Well let me tell you something about the real world, sister! It’s not going to happen! This world doesn’t need arts and crafts, this world needs burger flippers, ditch diggers, and gas tank filler-uppers. So apply down at one of your local stores, get a low-rent apartment, and call it a life.

It may not be much of a life, but it’s a life someone like you deserves.

Let the talented people become pro football players and let the talented people become novelists. Let those talented super geniuses be happy with their work while you stay on the bench. Sorry, I guess you don’t get to be happy in this life. But it really isn’t about being happy, it’s about being content.

To further illustrate my point, I would like a volunteer from the audience. Anyone? Anyone? Anyone want to volunteer? Don’t worry, even though you’re vastly incompetent, this simple task is easy enough for a monkey or an antelope to do. (A teenage boy with a guitar stands up.) Ah, you there, you’d be great, come on up. (audience members clap.) Stop clapping for him! He’s not special! (boy gets to the stage.) OK, son, what’s your name?

Colton: Colton.

Dennis: Colton, I see you have a guitar there. Do you enjoy playing music?

Colton: Yeah, I play bass in a band called Exploding Death Iguanas.

Dennis: And what do you want to be when you grow up, Colton?

Colton: Well I kind of wanted to be a rock star.

Dennis: A rock star, ha ha ha. And now, after hearing me speak, what do you think?

Colton: Well I was listening to what you said and you’re right, I am nobody special. I mean, I’m not that good at the guitar. I know a lot of other people who are better than me. So now I think I’ll just be a janitor.

Dennis: Good, good, another satisfied customer of the Dennis Brown de-motivational series. But before you go, Colton, I have a parting gift for you. (Hands Colton a mop.) Put it to good use, boy. Why don’t you start by mopping the stage, huh? (Colton starts mopping stage.) OK, now how about another volunteer? You there, you look down in the dumps, why don’t you come on up and have a chat with me? (Another teenage boy comes up.) What’s your name, son?

Phil: Phil.

Dennis: OK, Phil, I’m sorry to get so personal, but how’s it going with the ladies?

Phil: Well Dennis, I just asked this pretty girl I’ve had a crush on since fourth grade on a date, and she said no.

Dennis: Well, that’s how it goes for people like you.

Phil: Yeah, I know. So I gave up on that girl and now I’m just going to marry that stupid fat ugly girl from across the street and abuse her the rest of my life.

Dennis: That’s the way! Thanks for coming up, Phil. (to audience) Did you see what’s happened here today? Can you feel the de-motivation? Colton and Phil have both latched on to the new de-motivational way of living. And it’s high time that you all start doing the same. Lower your expectations and realize how untalented and insignificant you really are. Well, thanks for coming everybody. I’m Dennis Brown, and remember, hitch your wagon to a snail.