Swiffern Liffern More Global Warming Things

Dear Readers,

Help! I’m addicted to C-Span!

I think I have a little bit of an obsessive personality.

Swiffert!

I get obsessed with one topic and think it’s the most important thing in the world. Right now this cap-and-trade bill being debated in the Senate is driving me crazy and I wish with all my wishes that our U.S. Senators would vote against it.

Ala-swiff!

I watched “The Great Global Warming Swindle” on Google Videos and I’ve also been reading a little bit of http://www.wattsupwiththat.com/ , and I also read the chapter on Enviro-Statism in Liberty and Tyranny by Mark R. Levin, which talks about global warming. All that stuff makes me think that human caused global warming isn’t real. And I used to think that maybe the perpetrators of global warming might be well-intentioned scientists who genuinely cared about the health of future generations. But now I think that it’s so big, and there’s so much money involved, that there are bad people behind it. Bad people. BAD PEOPLE.

I also visited the GreenPeace website, (and it was psychotic) and I watched more than half of An Inconvenient Truth (and it was also psychotic). I wanted to hear the other side of the story.

And WOW, you know, when you listen to the other side, it sounds pretty good. It reminds me of this brilliant sentence from Chapter 5 of the brilliant novel, Animal Farm by the brilliant George Orwell: “The animals listened first to Napolean, then to Snowball, and could not make up their minds which was right; indeed, they always found themselves in agreement with the one who was speaking at the moment.”

That’s how I feel sometimes. I listen to Obama speak about how important the cap and trade bill and universal health care is, and after a while I start to agree with him. Then I listen to Mitt Romney, and then I agree with Mitt Romney again. It’s hard to know who’s telling the truth.

If global warming is a hoax, it’s the biggest hoax with the farthest-reaching consequences I’ve ever heard about in my lifetime. It blows my mind how big this global warming thing is. How many people are involved in the conspiracy, from politics, from acadamia, from the media, the entertainment industry? And how many people think it’s a conspiracy? One thing about pathological liars is that they start to believe their own lies eventually. Does Al Gore believe what he’s saying? How could he live with himself if he knows he’s lying? If he knows that he’s lying, then he’s a very very very bad man, and he should be ashamed of himself.

The global warming hoax is so big that all the serious presidential candidates last election didn’t dare deny it, because they were fearful of the political backlash.

(One thing I love about Sarah Palin, by the way, is that she doesn’t believe in human-caused global warming. Sarah Palin is really cool, and the people who make fun of her tend to make fun of her in really shallow ways. They mock her accent, they mock her Christianity, and I think there are some extreme liberals who hate her because she played basketball in high school, who hate her because she was in a beauty contest, who hate her because she hunts animals, and who hate her because she did not abort her baby with Downs Syndrome. Liberal city folk just don’t get Sarah Palin. But I digress.)

But the scale of the Global Warming Scam is mind-blowingly huge. It’s so much bigger than Madoff’s recent crime. I almost feel crazy for not believing in climate change, because so many people accept it as fact. The social pressure to accept global warming is enormous, too. Schools all over the country have shown “An Inconvenient Truth” to their students. How many times do teachers say, “I decided to put the handout on half sheets of paper, so I could save trees and polar bears.” I HEARD THAT EVERY SINGLE DAY I WENT TO SCHOOL!!! (OK, I’m exaggerating just a little.)

But you know what I mean, you often hear people say stuff like, “Reusable bottles are so much nicer to our climate than disposable bottles are. Let’s help Mother Earth by drinking out of the same bottle more than once!”

And the “going green” thing is everywhere. There are recycle signs everywhere.

And sometimes I leave the light on when I leave the house… not for my plants or anything, but just to show them that I don’t like the world! Ha ha ha

Ha ha ha

I don’t like the world. Oooo… leaving the lights on when I leave the house… it’s soooo bad! I like it.

Ha ha ha.

Why don’t you come and stop me, GOVERNMENT?!!! Come forcibly turn my lights off, but you better be ready for a fight! And no I will not get the new twisty light bulbs, just because I feel like it I have a saying in my home: TWISTY LIGHT BULBS MAKE TWISTY MINDS…

but that’s what you want, isn’t it, Al Gore? You want my mind to be all twisted up. You want my brain to be occupied with greenness, so that I don’t think about the real problems in the world. You’re replacing Christian morality with environmentalism, and I don’t like it. “Dirty energy” is the new sin and “clean energy” is the new virtue. Well, if leaving my old fashioned spherical light bulbs burning through the night is sinful, then call me demonic.

Ha ha ha, there they go, my beautiful light bulbs, burning is that old-fashioned, wasteful way… ha ha ha… I can just feel the CO2 in the air thickening… I can sense the polar bears icy habitat melting, those white furry beasts of the north swim and swim and swim, and they never find a home… bwah ha ha ha!

I am so mean!

But seriously, folks, TV ads, teachers telling you about global warming, billboards, advertisements, politicians telling you about it… stuff like that adds up in our brain until people start feeling guilty about their personal carbon footprint and develop serious psychological disorders.

Denying global warming is like Jim Carrey finally realizing that his whole life was a TV show in that one movie, I think it was the Truman Show. Denying global warming is like Keanu Reeves taking a pill and figuring out the Matrix. Denying global warming is like Plato’s myth of the cave, where you realize that you are not looking at reality, but at shadows on a cave wall, and the real reality is outside the cave, where the real sun shines in its majesty.

Global warming skeptics are derided, and fearful of being labeled as either a loony or as an Earth-killer. But global warming alarmists are awarded with fame and prestige and Nobel Prizes for saying stuff like, “If we don’t reduce our carbon emissions this very second, we’re gonna explode automatically right now! I can’t believe I’m still alive and talking because any second now POP goes the Planet!!!”

Environmentalists…

The truth is, environmentalists don’t want America to have power!!! If they really wanted more people to have affordable electricity, they would let us build nuclear power plants, or they would let us drill on our own soil for oil. Why can’t we drill on our own soil? I don’t get it. And why can’t we build more nuclear power plants? I don’t get it. France is run off of 80% nuclear power, and they’ve figured out a way to deal safely with the toxic waste that it creates, and the only way nuclear technology will slip into the hands of rogue states like Iran is if we sell it to them, or if our national security crumbles.

Wind and solar power just aren’t as good as the energy we already have. They aren’t as reliable. They don’t work as well.

I think the biggest way that global warming alarmists win their argument by saying over and over and over, “Global Warming is caused by humans and we need more government regulations and more taxes to fix it. The argument is over. Everyone agrees.”

“Global Warming is caused by humans and we need more government regulations and more taxes to fix it. The argument is over. Everyone agrees.”

“Global Warming is caused by humans and we need more government regulations and more taxes to fix it. The argument is over. Everyone agrees.”

“Global Warming is caused by humans and we need more government regulations and more taxes to fix it. The argument is over. Everyone agrees.”

“Global Warming is caused by humans and we need more government regulations and more taxes to fix it. The argument is over. Everyone agrees.”

“Global Warming is caused by humans and we need more government regulations and more taxes to fix it. The argument is over. Everyone agrees.”

See, after hearing that over and over, don’t you think global warming is a little more plausible? That’s what they do. And that’s what Hitler did!!!!!!

Why can’t we develop more nuclear power?

I recently saw a power company commercial about developing new types of alternative energy, and it was like, “We’re working together to invest in clean coal and wind and solar and hydrogen fuel cells and all these other wonderful green energy sources…” But you know what it left out of the list? Nuclear power!

Perhaps one of the biggest ways that nuclear power is fought against is by ignoring it. Listen to the Democrats arguing for the new cap and trade bill. The only time they discuss nuclear power is when the Republicans bring it up, and then the Democrats always talk about how expensive nuclear power is, and how dangerous it is, and how nuclear technology might fall into the wrong hands, and other negative stuff like that. And then they usually say,

“Oh yeah, nuclear, that’s still on the drawing board… nuclear power is just a way for us to diversify our energy portfolio in our new green economy… it’s a tool in our toolbox… it’s one of many cards we hold in our royal flush of this clean energy revolution, it’s like a pawn in a game of chess, a pawn that we don’t want to use very much because it’s stuck in front of another piece and it can’t move around, you see… nuclear power is like the petal of a beautiful flower, and why would we want to ignore all the other breathtaking petals? I don’t know why you’re so consumed with this one little petal that really is lagging behind all the other petals… but remember that flowers are a limited resource with the way climate change is going… the bottom line that we all have to realize quickly is that we shouldn’t worry about nuclear power for now… it will take decades, perhaps, to build another nuclear power plant, and it’s so hard to build, have you ever tried to build one? My oh my, they’re very expensive and you have to put all the intricate parts together just right or the whole thing goes ka-blooey and you’ve got toxic gooey mess that covers quadruple the size of New Jersey. Think about all those working class constituents, covered in nuclear goo. How are they going to provide for their families in a vibrant, robust, sustainable way if they’ve got nuclear goo all over them? Nuclear technology is just very testy, don’t you see? I get the heebie-jeebies whenever I hear about nuclear energy, and I can’t put my finger on it… I don’t think it’s much of a mistake that Matt Groening has the blubbering Homer Simpson manning the safety of a nuclear power plant- Nuclear power plants tend to attract those types of buffoons. And Mr. Burns, well, he’s the quintessential owner of a nuclear power plant- conniving, greedy, living in castles, releasing hounds… Do we really want to attract seedy characters like Mr. Burns to the Good Ship America? Because that’s what nuclear power will do. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable row-row-rowing my America-Boat merrily down the Green Stream of Prosperity if I’m rowing alongside an icky Nuclear Power CEO with nuclear ooze all over him. No, the real up-and-coming scientists and investors, the ones who smile when the future comes, the ones who really have our children in their minds and in their hearts, they’re the ones who are working with other non-nuclear things, with clean energy. So let’s just stop talking about that n-word. In this country we can’t even decide how many syllables it has, and America is divided enough as it is. I’m here to unify, not divide. Clearly if you’re looking for a nonpartisan source of energy without the chains of a long history of mispronunciation, nuclear is not that source of energy. How are you going to communicate your ideas to “We the people” if “We the people” aren’t speaking the same language as “They the lawmakers”? Think of the cost of translators and bureaucracy required to engage in that sort of dialogue, the very sort of bureaucracy you so often criticize… like I said, nuclear power gives me the willies, it’s a barrel of monkeys without the fun, it’s Pandora’s Box with the Ebola virus and vipers and banshees inside of it, and you can see by my body language, and the body language of my esteemed colleagues here, that we don’t like nuclear power, and that’s all there is to it. Plain and simple. There’s a definite consensus on that, let’s just be straight up and tell it like it is, a consensus that everyone agrees is an actual consensus. Even you agree with that consensus. I’m frowning. Don’t you see? I’m frowning. Nuclear power makes me frown. My face loses some of its shine whenever the nuclear topic is broached… but we’ll probably work on that later, and now if you’ll please direct your attention to this scientist, he’ll tell you all about how great wind energy is!”

Sincerely,
Telemoonfa