BOWSER VS. PRINCESS PEACH 3: BOWSER GOES BALLISTIC

A brief dramatic piece by Telemoonfa

BOWSER
I Bowser, King of the Koopas, Master of the Eighth Mushroom Kingdom, have traversed thousands of miles in exhausting pursuit of the fabled Golden Orb of Ultimate Power. Gaining possession of the ancient relic has been my solitary passion for ages, for he who holds the Golden Orb of Ultimate Power has the natural energy forces of outer space at his command, and with that energy I would rule all Eight Realms of the Mushroom Kingdom. But I couldn’t find the orb. It was so hard! So I took a breather, ate one of them little spiky guys who spit fire, and then I decided to kidnap Princess Peach! How ya doin’ Peachy?

PEACH
Awful! I’m dreadfully chained up in these horrid chains!

BOWSER
That’s right because I chained you up!

PEACH
Oh no!

BOWSER
Oh yes!

PEACH
Oh no!

BOWSER
Oh yes!

PEACH
Oh yes!

BOWSER
Oh no. Hey, you- Rawr!

PEACH
I disdainfully think you’re just atrociously awful!

BOWSER
You got that right. I’m bad. Look at me. Rawr. I’m bad.

PEACH
Who are you?

BOWSER
I am Bowser, King of the Koopas, Master of the Eighth-

PEACH
Oh wait, stop, I heard that already. I get it, you’re Bowser.

BOWSER
That’s right I’m Bowser! Rawr!

PEACH
Why are so truly very frightening?

BOWSER
Rawr!

PEACH
Oh, Okay. Also, I seem to be on a curiously raised platform with lava all around it, and I’m wondering how this platform has stayed so stable for so long, with all the excruciatingly scorching lava flowing all around it. I mean, wouldn’t the lava melt away the leg posts?

BOWSER
Shut up! Or else I’ll throw you into a volcano! Rawr! Because I really do have a volcano! Rawr! Now I’m going to go rip the wings off of those little turtle things, just for fun, because I like torturing things. Rawr! And then I’m going to eat the wings! Because I’m bad! Because I’m Bowser!

(BOWSER exits. PEACH sings)

Away, away, in the golden land
Where the sun beams brightly on the chocolate sand
There lives my hero Mario
He jumps so high and has an adorable nose
Mario lives inside of my heart
But in actuality we’re actually apart
If only my love could hear this song
And though the chains I’m bound with are strong
My love would eat a glowing red flower
And blast my chains with fiery power
And then we’d be free to escape this lair
And then the kingdom would be bequeathed to my care
Mario could be the king, if he wanted to,
And I’d be his lady ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

But soft, my song must cease, for Bowser approaches!

BOWSER
Boy them little turtle wings is sure tasty. Yum yum, I like to eat them with just a little bit of lava.

PEACH
You’re ever so cruel!

BOWSER
Get used to it, baby. Look I have this atomic bomb that will destroy us all. All I have to do is drop it and then it will explode.

(BOWSER drops the bomb and everything explodes.)

THE END