Dear Readers,
Sex!
Are you uncomfortable? I’m uncomfortable. Sorry to make us all feel uncomfortable.
But as uncomfortable as we all are, I want to talk about sex.
A few things have happened to me lately that have made me want to do a post or two about sex. Yesterday I saw a temple wedding, and I also heard about a former LDS bishop that got excommunicated for child molestation.
Sex is such a big topic, and up until now, excepting one humorous post on the mating behavior of tarantulas, Telemoonfa Time has been silent on the issue. And of course lots of blogs are silent about the issue. Lots of nice family blogs, you know. And that’s fine. That’s good. That’s healthy.
But Telemoonfa Time is not a family blog. It’s Telemoonfa’s blog.
Lately I’ve been writing in my journal about sex in an honest, open, liberating and sometimes graphic way. Writing in my journal about sex has been therapeutic, and I think it’s been healthy. But I think that maybe I should destroy my journal, or at least the part of my journal that talks about sex and my thoughts on sex and my experiences with sex and other sexy sex sex sex stuff. Sex.
Do you think I should destroy that part of my journal? Do you think I should not have published this blog post, the one that you are reading now?
How honest and detailed should a person be when recording history, or when presenting himself or herself to neighbors, etc? (That’s what my last blog post was about, how people alter history and broadcast positive images of themselves.)
Most Christians agree that the Bible serves as a good example of honesty in record keeping, and the Bible gets kind of graphic about sex sometimes. For example, see Genesis 38:8 + 9. Also, the inspired prophet Matthew feels it’s important to mention that Joseph and Mary didn’t have sex, even though they were married, until after Jesus was born. That’s in Matthew 1:25. Why do we need to know that detail? Should Matthew have left that out?
Of course it’s not appropriate to talk about sex in many settings. But sometimes it is appropriate to talk about sex.
I kind of think, “well, if a family blog or a Christmas family newsletter is not the right medium for talking about icky things, then what about a journal? Shouldn’t that be the right place for one to record most private thoughts?” Well, a journal should be a place to record one’s most private thoughts, but really I think a lot of people who keep journals think that it could be read by somebody else someday, (e.g., children, nosy houseguests) and so they censor themselves.
And that brings up another question: are there some thoughts should not be recorded, let alone thought? Yes, I would say that’s true. Some thoughts are horrible. I do believe in self-censorship. I do believe in burning some books.
I’m reminded of a personal anecdote. I was in the Institute building right across the street from Eastern Arizona College in Thatcher, Arizona. A Book of Mormon class was about to start, but I was hanging out by the pool tables, chatting with people. We start talking about a play that had been produced at the college the previous night, Zoo Story, by Edward Albee. A lot of Mormons walked out of the play, (How righteous they looked, when they walked out) but I stayed the whole way through the whole thing, and I loved it.
(Zoo Story really is one of my favorite plays now, by the way. I think it’s deep, moving, incredible, and just plain good theatre. I highly recommend it.)
One guy was especially offended by the play, and he made it clear that the play came from Hell, and that those who participated in the play or who sat through the whole play had some repenting to do.
I asked him what in the play offended him. He said that his breaking point was when the play brought up homosexuality. He said something like, “Homosexuality isn’t something that should be discussed on stage out there in front of everybody. Same-gender attraction is a temptation that should be talked about only in the privacy of a church office or a therapist’s office, that’s it.”
I said that I unashamedly loved the play, and that sometimes art needs to deal with subjects that are uncomfortable. I told him that the play wasn’t advocating homosexuality and it wasn’t advocating sinful behavior, but that it was dealing with uncomfortable issues. I told him that uncomfortable issues are part of the human experience, and that art is a beautiful expression of the human experience. But in order to express or represent the human experience, you have to show the good and the bad. The Scriptures can’t leave out the Devil. He’s important to the story!
I wish I had said all that to him, but I probably came off sounding less profound and more flustered in our conversation.
All of a sudden I really wanted to fight the guy! I wanted to punch him, and I wanted him to punch me back, and I wanted us to get into a big fight right in the middle of the Church building. But somebody said, “Hey Telemoonfa, Book of Mormon class is starting,” and so our conversation ended abruptly, and we never resumed it. I went inside the Institute class and tried to learn about the Book of Mormon, but really I fumed about how hidebound and dangerous that guy had been.
He struck me as a holier-than-thou play critic who ends every review with either “the play promoted Mormonism, and therefore should be patronized,” or “the play promoted the kingdom of the Devil, and therefore should not be patronized.”
That anecdote brings up a lot of moral quandaries. I’m still not totally sure that Zoo Story is a play that ought to be performed a lot, because it’s so artistically beautiful, or if it should be banned from decent society. And I’m still not totally sure how appropriate it is to talk about sex in some situations, which brings us back to the topic about how appropriate it is to write about sex, graphically, in juicy detail, in one’s journal. (I don’t think it’s OK to write erotica, but I’m talking about something else, I think. The line between writing about sex in a healthy way and producing pornography is a fuzzy gray line.)
A while back, Spencer W. Kimball wrote an interesting article about journal keeping, called “The Angels May Quote From It”
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=f318118dd536c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=6cf4ca99be2ab010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1
First of all, Mormons have been told lots of times to keep journals. Kimball writes,
…we urge our young people to begin today to write and keep records of all the important things in their own lives and also the lives of their ancestors in the event that their parents should fail to record all the important incidents in their own lives.
And doesn’t “all the important things” include sex?
Sometimes it seems like “good Mormons” leave records, or want to leave records, that go something like this, “I was born in blah blah. I got baptized at 8, became a deacon at 12, a teacher at 14, a priest at 16, an elder at 18, a missionary at 19, a husband at 21, a father at 22. I was happy the whole time, because I was Mormon, and nothing too bad ever happened to me. The End.”
Kimball also writes,
Your journal should contain an image of your true self rather than a picture of you that applies cosmetics to everything you ever did, making you appear to be flawless. There is a temptation to paint with words one’s virtues in rich color and whitewash the vices, but there is also the opposite pitfall of accentuating the negative. Personally, I have little respect for anyone who delves into the ugly phases of the life he is portraying, whether it be his own or another’s. The truth should be told, but we should not emphasize the negative. Even a long life full of inspiring experiences can be brought to the dust by one ugly story. Why dwell on that one ugly truth about someone whose life has been largely prudent?
The problematic phrase is “an image of your true self.”
Sincerely,
Telemoonfa
P. S. To avoid uncomfortable-ness, I think it would be best for everyone involved to refrain from bringing up this blog post, or any future blog post about sex, with me in real life. Thank you.
5 comments:
I think a good rule of thumb is, if you wouldn't feel comfortable discussing the topic in person with the intended readers of your blog, you probably should not write about it.
I understand the desire to present an honest depiction of yourself. I think President Kimball's advice is good: "The truth should be told, but we should not emphasize the negative."
When it comes to s-e-x, I think if you were to keep a journal as long as the Bible and discuss sex as often as the Bible does, that would probably not be inappropriate.
The Boid
I am hoping this does not come off sounding lecture-ish. That is not the intent.
I believe (and I speak from experience) that part of the reason we have so many problems with sexual abuse is because of the social and religious taboos placed on conversations about sex. I was molested twice in bathrooms of the LDS church--once by a man and once by a woman. I was four the first time, and eight the second. Both times, I was too confused and frightened to truly know what was happening. When I was eleven I was raped repeatedly by an older cousin over a three month period of time. I had no words to tell anyone what was happening, and had been given subliminal messages throughout my short life, that anything to do with my genitals was shameful and dirty.
Thankfully, this is not something I have instilled in my own children. We've been open and respectful as we speak of sex. It's a wonderful and necessary part of life. And as for the young man who suggested SSA should only be discussed in private--he has a rude awakening coming. My husband and I have been called on a service mission for the sole purpose of training church leaders:
1. how to nurture and guide members who are same-sex attracted.
2. how to understand the condition with empathy and love.
3. how to talk with the general membership and teach them how to treat SSA members (and non-members) with love, rather than hatred, fear, and bigotry. Your friend, in the next few decades, is going to be hearing about this subject spoken, in public, a lot.
There is a huge difference in talking about sex as it relates to the human condition and discussing it in order to become aroused. The first is not inappropriate if treated respectfully--and sometimes that can involve humor, because, let's face it, sometimes just like everything else, sex is funny. The second should take place only with one's spouse. Otherwise, it morphs into abuses of sex that should be avoided.
Anyway, that's my opinion. But I appreciate your thoughts and words here. Especially now, I'm always interested in what other people are thinking about this topic. Thanks for blogging about it.
I don't feel uncomfortable. Maybe I'm desensitized but whatever.
YESTERDAY I HEARED ABOUT EXCOMMUNICATION AND CHILD MOLESTATION TOOO! ISN'T THAT WACKY!
Eh, you don't need to keep your blog g-rated.
you should not destroy your journal, even if it has the bad parts of you in it. CAN WE DENY OUR PAST?!
you said something about retouching pictures, and not liking it, changing history,
and burning journals is destroying history. but there are books that need to be burned I guess.
Porn is gross. and doesn't make you a better person.
If you can talk about sex and do it to discover or think o make assumptions its okay, but if its just to talk about sex and feel dirty then its bad. that's my opinion.
I'm playing a piece called Salomez Tanz... By Richard Strauss, and the piece is about SEX! well, its the seductive dance of this one chick for this one guy in the bible.
Its a beautiful piece. and there is no lyrics, so its impossible to tell if that's what its about just by listening to it.
"If its who you are, then go for it, if you don't like it, change."
when asking if its okay to talk about sex on a blog, you know. its representing you, people are reading it because they want to know the interesting life of telemoonfa.
A Family Newsletter would not be appropriate. that be writing erotica.
And The devil does not know our thoughts. so think what you like.
Matthew should not have left that out. because it be making the bible less descriptive. and we need the most accurate description we can get.
To Samantha: The fact that you were molested makes me very sad. but we can't just pretend it didn't happen.
Sex does not need to be so hush hush.
My friends who have no shame, think nothing of it. and I guesss that might of rubbed off on me.
Two things:
I have often wished, when I first started having sex, that I had had some older woman to talk open and honestly about sex with, in all it's beauty and ugliness. But it was a taboo, and I had to figure a lot of it out on my own. Thank goodness that I have had those open conversations since then.
Second: Along with eating and going to the bathroom, sex is one of the most basic instincts of any animal, including us humans. At the heart of it is the inate need to propagate the species. To ensure the survival of our genes in the genetic pool. It's natural.
Ben, am I a bad person because I have only read your posts about sex? I think not; sex is one of the most fascinating and talked about topics ever. But I applaud your efforts to be more open about it. Samantha's comment about the taboo nature of sex is all too familiar. I haven't had the same types of experiences that she had, but I know that we don't talk about it enough in our Mormon culture, and that is the source of many problems. Wise censorship is one thing, but we are over-repressive about it, don't you think?
On a lighter note, I loved what zappalinda had to say, that sex is akin to going to the bathroom. As far as slightly inappropriate humor goes, is there any better source for humor than sex and going to the bathroom?
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