Cover Letters

Dear Readers,

Here’s the cover letter/memo I sent to a school district I’m applying to. It’s slightly modified from its original version to fit the editorial constraints of Telemoonfa Time.

To Whom It May Concern:

Please include these documents with Telemoonfa’s online application. If there are any questions about my application, please contact me at 123-at-123-dot-123 or (123)123-1234. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Telemoonfa

Here's the cover letter/memo I wanted to send:

To Whom It May Concern:

So your messed-up online application thing was messed up, and I couldn’t figure out how to attach documents to it, (documents like my letters of recommendation that I only have hard copies of!) and supposedly this hand-me-down hulking beast of a printer I have possesses scanning capabilities, but it’s ala-quiffert and it won’t scan! You think I have the time to figure out how to use the scanner on my printer? NO I DO NOT!!!

You think I’m gonna ask my professors to re-write their letters of recommendation and sent me an electronic copy of them? NO I WILL NOT!!!

Enough small talk, let’s cut to the chase.

Pleeeeeeeaaaseeee give me the job! Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaseee! Oh Plllleeeeeeaaaaasssseee I want it sooooooo bad. Sooooooooo bad! Pleaaaasssse I beg of you! In the name of humanity, I neeeeeed this job! Pleeeeeeaaasssseeeeee!

I’m a mess, oh… I’m a mess and I really need a job, I… I hit a rough spot and I just really need a job right now and that will make everything better so please have mercy on me. Please, please, please, just give me a chance, that’s all I’m asking for, just give me that job, that’s all I want. Just give me the job and I’ll leave you alone forever, I won’t ever bother you again, pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaasssseeee!!!!! Just give me the job so I can have a job…

I think my interview went well. Don’t you think it went well? I think it went well. What went wrong? What could have gone wrong? I thought it was great.

Why haven’t you called me yet? I’m just sitting here by the phone, waiting for you to call and say, “Congratulations, Telemoonfa, you got the job!”

Plllleeeeeeeeaaaseee give me the job!

And still the phone does not ring!!! What are you doing, anyway that you can’t call me? Sipping frapucino? (And no I don't know how to spell it right!!!) Playing tiddly-winks? What’s so important that you can’t pick up the phone and take the 5 minutes out of your day to call me and tell me that I got the job?

Was it my hair? Is that what messed up my interview? You didn’t like my hair? Was it the color or the way I did it that you didn’t like? Did I part it on the wrong side?!

Look, I’m sorry about my hair, if it was my hair that messed things up, I guess missed that secret teacher how-to-comb-your-hair meeting because nobody ever sent me an invitation!

Oh and here’s something else you might like to know: I SHAVED OFF MY BEARD FOR YOU!!! I SHAVED FOR YOU FASCIST MONSTERS!!!

AND STILL YOU DO NOT CALL ME BACK!!!!

I had a beautiful rabbi-esque beard (it was the source of my wisdom) and I cut it all off for you! (I clogged my bathroom sink there was so much hair!) I chopped off my golden-red chin-locks just so I could sit through the twenty minutes of awkward humiliation you call an interview!

What’s wrong with me? Why do you reject me?

Did I mention that my GPA is 3.79?

3.79!!!!!

And I CAN RECITE POETRY!!!!

Anyway, here’s my resume, college transcripts, and my letters of recommendation, if you care- if you haven’t already put my name on your black list! Throw them away for all I care! Throw them away and let my children starve!

Sincerely,
Telemoonfa