I Have a Hard Time With Commitment

Dear Readers,

Like many men, I have a hard time with commitment. I like to keep my options open, you know what I mean?

I had a really hard time deciding to marry my wife. We dated for longer than a lot of LDS couples date. We dated for a year and then we were engaged for about five months, and in much of that time, (my wife would hate to hear this) I was indecisive. My indecisiveness and non-committal attitude was frustrating and disheartening for her.

Can you imagine my thoughts as my wife and I were dating? Sometimes I thought, “The rest of my life is such a looooooong time. Marriage is such a big commitment. I’ve always wanted to be a man of my word. It’s better to not make a promise than to make a promise and break it. How can I go through with the marriage vows?”

Some of you might hate to hear me talking this unromantically about dating and marriage and commitments, but I trust that some of you out there understand.

Added to the stress of committing to marry somebody was the belief that marriage is not for only mortality, but for eternity! So, the person you marry will be with you forever (in theory) and how can we miniscule humans have the capacity to make such gigantically important decisions? It blows my mind.

(By the way, looking back, I’m glad I proposed marriage to my wife, and I’m glad we’ve been married semi-happily for almost three years.)

Here’s another time in my life when I had trouble making a commitment. I remember being a little bit torn up before deciding to receive the Melchizedek priesthood. I was at Eastern Arizona College, in Thatcher, Arizona, and I was in the process of gaining/strengthening my testimony and deciding to serve a mission. I was aware of the seriousness of being ordained to the office of an elder and receiving the higher priesthood. I was aware of the oath and covenant of the priesthood, in Doctrine and Covenants section 84.

Verse 41 especially frightened me. “But whoso breaketh this covenant after he hath received it, and altogether turneth therefrom, shall not have forgiveness of sins in this world nor in the world to come.”

Yikes!

When I read that, I think I’d just rather not make the commitment, so I don’t have to be held up to such high standards. I thought I could still live according to Melchizedek priesthood standards, without actually getting the Priesthood and going through with the ceremony of ordination. I thought it would be nice to know that I could slack off a little now and then if I wanted to. If I did not make the commitment, I thought, I would be more honest, and I would be freer.

I didn’t want to promise to live a life of righteousness, even though I was sort of already planning on living a morally OK life, whatever that means. I just didn’t want to formalize or publicize my commitment to a life of righteousness. I didn’t want to get a certificate reminding me of my commitment. Maybe I told myself that I just wanted my commitment to be personal and unexpressed, unverbalized, I didn’t want anybody to expect certain behavior out of me.

I hear the same sort of argument from couples who cohabitate, who behave as if they are married, and yet they are not. I’ve heard unmarried couples say, “We have a nice relationship. We know we love each other. We have our own private agreement. Why should we get the rubber stamp of approval from some church or the government to ‘validate’ the beautiful relationship we already have? And anyway there’s so much divorce and infidelity these days that those official vows aren’t taken that seriously.”

And in a way, those are good arguments against getting married. I have some good friends who live together without being married, and they seem like great people, you know.

But then after verse 41 comes verse 42: “And wo unto all those who have not come unto this priesthood…” So God is basically saying, “You have to formally make the commitment and you have to keep it. The End.”

Well, I’m not completely sure why, but God wants a covenant-making people. He doesn’t just want good behavior- he wants a commitment of good behavior.

Mormons do make covenants frequently. At baptism, upon receiving the priesthood, at marriage, in the temple, and also every single week when we take the sacrament, we are making promises to God. So many promises.

Sincerely,
Telemoonfa