LDS Prophet Bans Sandals on Church Property, Decries Secular Beach-Style Footwear

In a move that’s sending shockwaves throughout Utah and beyond, LDS Apostle Jeffrey R. Holland revealed to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and to the world that sandals, especially flip-flops, will no longer be permitted on dedicated church grounds.

The policy change was announced four days ago to a packed Conference Center at the Church Headquarters in Salt Lake City, and was simultaneously published in the Ensign magazine, an official LDS publication.

Holland said in his fifteen minute long speech, “We used to speak of ‘best dress’ or ‘Sunday dress,’ and maybe we should do so again… Our clothing or footwear need never be expensive, indeed should not be expensive, but neither should it appear that we are on our way to the beach.”

Much like abstaining from “hot drinks” has been interpreted to mean that practicing Mormons are not to drink coffee or tea, Holland’s pronouncement has come to be understood by many Mormons as not wearing any footwear that exposes more than 25% of the skin below the ankle. Church authorities have yet to specifically state whether the popular 25% interpretation is a hard and fast commandment or a guiding principle, but Church leaders are expected to make public in the coming months a full-blown handbook for Church footwear that conforms with the new guidelines.

A dispute has also arisen about the propriety of the wearing of socks with flip-flops. Since no skin is exposed when socks are worn, some Church members argue, flip-flops worn with socks ought to be permissible.

Sister Jones, prominent Relief Society President, countered that the flip-flops with socks approach, what she calls the “ninja-turtle style,” is highly inappropriate in the house of the Lord. “Elder Holland said that when we go to church, we shouldn’t look like we’re going to the beach. That’s what he said. I didn’t say it. Elder Holland said it. Now I don’t know about you, but I want to follow the prophet as closely as I can. And when I think about going to the beach, I think of flip flops.”

Sister Jones allegedly conducted a survey to determine what people thought about just how closely going to the beach and flip-flop wearing were associated. Jones claims that 96% agreed that going to the beach is associated with flip-flops. “So with numbers like that,” Jones said to members of the press yesterday afternoon, “I just don’t see how some members can justify the wearing of flip-flops to church, or any kind of sandal, socks or no socks.”

“Plus wearing socks with sandals is out-and-out tacky,” Jones added.

Other members resistant to the change have different ideas. “I sustain my church leaders,” Bishop Haverly said, “But this new shoe protocol is an outrage. The Lord Jesus Himself wore sandals! I’ve seen it in pictures. Was the ground that Jesus walked on icky because he didn’t wear closed-toed shoes?”

Haverly then cryptically stated that he believed the ground of Mt. Sinai got even holier when Moses removed his shoes when God appeared to him in a burning bush. When pressed about whether he was implying that more foot skin exposure in church would lead to more spirituality, Haverly became aggressive and yelled, “Hey I’m no foot weirdo!” and refused to comment further.

Haverly has come under fire by Sister Jones and her Relief Society sisters for declining to enforce the new sandal revelation, but Haverly so far has withstood the pressure, saying that he will continue to preach what he calls the “non-shoe-related doctrines” of the LDS faith.

Further debate has centered on exactly what types of shoes, according to the LDS faith, fall under the category of “flip-flop” or “sandal.” Some self-professed “footwear-fundamentalists” claim that shoes with any size of openings in them, excepting holes for shoelaces, ought to be banned outright from Church property.

Footwear-fundamentalists announced that they will be hosting a bonfire in Sister Jones’s backyard tomorrow at 7 pm at 1300-south 200-west in Salt Lake City. All are invited to come and burn their sandals, flip-flops, crocs, or any other tempting shoes that fail to meet the church’s new declaration.

Reformed footwear-fundamentalists, though, maintain that what Elder Holland really had in mind was the banishment of “toe cleavage:” the exposure of the cracks between the toes.

LDS Bishops and stake presidents across the country, and indeed throughout the world, are exhausted from fielding questions from distraught members. Church leaders have asked that those in doubt of what constitutes appropriate church-going clothing to forgo consultation with overworked Church clergy and to instead seek advice from those that have familiar spirits, or wizards that peep and mutter.