Jokes

Dear Readers,

“Whenever an old man dies, a library is torn down”

Awww... isn’t that an adorable quote? I heard that from somewhere. I don’t know where. And I thought, uh-oh, what if I die? All the books inside me will die with me. All my stories and jokes and ideas that aren’t written down will die when I die!

Maybe I’m writing stuff down in an attempt to build myself a gigantic gravestone.

Whatever. While I’m alive, I'll diffuse my dominant culture as much as possible as soon as possible! Woo-hoo!

Without further ado, here are some jokes I have inside my brain. I heard them from somewhere. Enjoy.

1.


Did you hear about that new restaurant on the moon? They say the food's great but the atmosphere's horrible.


2.


A mushroom walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a drink." And the bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve your kind here." And the mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy."

(When you say it out loud, “fun guy” kind of sounds like “fungi” and mushrooms literally are “fungi” so that’s what makes the joke funny.)


3.


Did you hear that you can reach OJ Simpson on the Internet? Yeah! All you got to do is hit back-slash, back-slash, and escape.


4.


There were three cannibals eating a clown, and one of them said, "Does this taste funny to you?"


5.


Three guys got stranded on a desert island somehow and they found a magic lamp and they rubbed it and a genie popped out and said, "I'll grant you each one wish."


The first guy said, "I just wish I was back home." And poof! He was gone.


The second guy said, "I wish I was back home, with an extra million dollars." And poof! He was gone.


The third guy said, "Oh, I'm lonely now. I wish my two friends were back here."


6.


You know how to kill a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.


You know how else to kill a blonde? Put spikes on her shoulder pads and then ask her a difficult question, and then she'll put her head to the side as she's saying "I don't know. I don't know" and then she'll put her head on the spikes, you know?


7.


There was a blonde and a brunette who both jumped off the Empire State Building because they were committing suicide. Which one hit the ground first? The brunette, because the blonde's head was so full of hot air that she floated. Alternative answer: the brunette, because the blonde had to stop and ask for directions. Alternative answer: the brunette, because the blonde was so dumb!


8.


Why didn’t the teenager cross the road? Because he was too depressed.


9.


American astronauts, Russian astronauts, and Polish astronauts were having a meeting and discussing their upcoming space travel plans. The American astronauts said, "We're going to Mars." The Russians said, "We're going to start a space colony on the Moon" and the Poles said, "We're going to go to the sun!" The Americans were like, "Yeah right, how could you go to the sun? You'll burn up and die." And the Poles said, "Oh we're not worried about burning up. We're going to go at night."


10.


Three constructions were sitting on a skyscraper they were building on their lunch break. The first guy opened his lunch box and said, "Oh man! Tuna again? My wife always fixes me tuna fish sandwiches and I'm sick of it. It's been like this for years. If my wife fixes me tuna fish sandwiches one more time I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself."


The second guy opened his lunch box and said, "Oh man, peanut butter and jelly? I hate peanut butter and jelly! If my wife fixes me the same thing tomorrow, I'm jumping off too!"


The third guy opened his lunch box and said, "Oh man, baloney again? I'm with you guys. I'll jump if I get a baloney sandwich in my lunch box again tomorrow."


The next day at lunch time, the first guy got a tuna sandwich, the second guy got a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and the third guy got a baloney sandwich, so they all jumped off the skyscraper and they all died.


The cops came and called the three dead construction workers wives to the bloody scene. The wife of the first guy cried and said, "I don't understand. I would have fixed him a different sandwich if that's what he wanted!"

The second wife said, "Why didn’t he just tell me he was tired of peanut butter and jelly instead of killing himself over it?"

The third wife said, "I don't understand. He makes his own lunches."


11.


There was a blonde who was on a plane ride to a make-up convention in Africa and the plane blew up and crashed and she was the only one who survived. She wandered around the jungle for a while and she found this mysterious American-style diner. She went inside and it was just the most wonderful restaurant she had ever been in. The atmosphere was great, the aroma was delightful, and the people were friendly. The blonde perused the wonderful menu and ordered a hamburger.

And it was the best hamburger she had ever eaten! Oh my gosh it was sooooo good!

After she ate the hamburger, the waitress came over and asked the blonde if she would like any dessert.

And the blond said, “Sure. What kind of pie do you have?”

And the waitress said, “Oh we have every kind of pie you can think of! We have apple pie, pecan pie, pumpkin pie, lemon meringue pie, peach pie, chocolate pie, blueberry pie, blackberry pie, cherry pie, key lime pie, rhubarb pie, strawberry pie, banana cream pie…”

“Hmmm… I think I’ll have the peach pie.” The blonde said.

So in a few minutes the waitress brought her a perfect, warm slice of peach pie. The blonde ate it, and it was the most fantastic pie she had ever eaten! It filled her mouth with sublime tastiness. Every taste bud in her mouth stood at attention to revel in this moment of deliciousness. The peaches were perfectly plump and scrumptious. The crust was just the right amount of crumbliness and stiffness. The plate that the pie was on was warm and clean and white. A dollop of vanilla ice cream wonderfully complemented the flavor and warmth of the slice of peach pie. The peach pie was so sweet, so perfect! So delicious, succulent, and pleasurable.

The blonde vowed to herself that when she got back to America she would find an equivalent peach pie, for she knew that she could be happy the rest of her life if only she could have one of those slices of pie every day.

She left the restaurant with the memory of the transcendent peach pie. She wandered through the African jungle, found an airport, and flew back to America.

In America, she looked everywhere for a peach pie that was as good as the peach pie she had in that mysterious restaurant in the African jungle. She ate out at hundreds of different restaurants, she went to pie festivals, and she searched hundreds of grocery stores and bakeries, looking for a pie that satisfied her the way that peach pie satisfied her back in that mysterious restaurant in the jungle. But to no avail! Every pie she tasted was just OK, but not nearly as good as the peach pie she remembered.

The blonde gave up hope and fell into a deep depression.

Then it just so happened that about a year later she was on her way to another makeup convention in Africa. In the middle of the flight, the pilot had a heart attack and the plane crashed and everybody died except for the blonde. She wandered through the jungle again, and- wouldn’t you know it?- she found the magical restaurant again!

She went inside and ordered a hamburger, and Oh my goodness that hamburger was incredible! Then it was time for dessert, and the blonde said, “Remind me what kind of pies you have again?”

And the waitress said, “We have apple pie, pecan pie, pumpkin pie, lemon meringue pie, peach pie, chocolate pie, blueberry pie, blackberry pie, cherry pie, key lime pie, rhubarb pie, strawberry pie, banana cream pie…”

Then the blonde ordered rhubarb pie. She ate it, and it tasted alright.

12.

What’s a ghost’s favorite snack? A spooooooooooky candy bar!

Sincerely,
Telemoonfa