Why I Hope Area 51 is Real

Dear Readers,

So a lot of us conservatives are upset that the President and the Congress and the United Nations are spending tax money irresponsibly. What’s new?

Well, my fellow conservatives, maybe spending tax money isn’t so bad. Maybe Area 51 is real. And maybe all that stimulus money and TARP money is really going into developing secret alien technology or dissecting the carcasses of extra-terrestrials in an undisclosed location in the Nevada desert.

That’d be pretty cool.

I’m all for cutting up little green men in the name of science. It’s even better when the cutting is done is a shroud of mystery!

And of course the government would have to be in charge of Area 51. Of course we couldn’t leave something as cool as space-alien autopsies in the hands of ordinary citizens.

Ordinary citizens aren’t mature enough to handle that kind of thing! And of course the government isn’t made up of “ordinary citizens” The government only recruits the best and brightest. And then once the best and brightest join the government, why, the government makes them all drink from the magical fountain of superiority!

And of course it takes billions and billions and billions of dollars to fund something like Area 51!

So don’t feel so bad, my conservative pals, when you look at your pay stub and see the evidence of Uncle Sam’s snatching hands. Feel instead that you’re helping to fund really secret and cool scientific progress.

It’s all like a really fun science-fiction movie!

Sincerely,
Telemoonfa