Monologues for my drama students, part three

Dear Readers,

I think I’m getting better at teaching. It feels nice. I performed some monologues for my classes today, the prologue to Henry V and a snipet from the wacked-out play Oh Dad, Poor Dad, Mama’s Hung You In The Closet and I’m Feeling So Sad, and my students acted like they liked my performances. So that was encouraging.

I performed those monologues because I just started a unit on monologues today. My students will have to memorize a monologue and perform it in front of the class. It will terrify some of them. Some of them will love it. And some of them will do it because it’s for a grade and because everybody else is doing it, and they’ll perform the monologue without thinking too much about it.

Who knows what goes on in the brains of middle school students?

Without further ado, here are a few more monologues I’ve written this afternoon that my students can perform if they want to. Again, I feel like saying that these monologues are weird, but that I personally enjoy them, and I believe that some other people may enjoy them, too.

Title: The Process of Unification
Character: The President (not the real President, but the President in a parallel universe that’s exactly like ours, except that instead of Barack Obama being the President, somebody else is.)
Setting: The Press Room of the White House. The President is addressing the nation via television broadcast.

President: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I now have the pleasure, the privilege, and the grave responsibility of addressing you as a nation, as a collection of fifty beautiful states, the United States of America. I want you to think about that phrase, the name of our country, “The United States of America.” How are these states united? Do the residents of these several states all speak the same language? No. Do the citizens of the United States of America all share the same religion? No. Do we all look the same? Of course not. But we are united in the values that we share, values like hard work, fairness, and a bright hope for the future. And so I see our small differences as insignificant. I hope you see it that way, too. Now, there are some among us who might say that our small differences are in fact weaknesses. There are some who try to convince others to hate one another because of their differences. Some would even want to do away with the rich cultural inheritance that some of our grandfathers and grandmothers have so graciously passed down to us. I think you know who I’m talking about. Well, we cannot stand for that bitter, isolationist attitude. Modern, moral nations cannot be content while hatred abounds. We can all agree on that. We are united. So, to those detractors of unity, I say, thanks, but no thanks. And that’s why I’ve decided to execute my political opponents. Thank you. And God bless America.

Title: Your Hand is Wiggling
Chatacter: Jenny, a modern Teenage girl
Setting: Jenny’s Mom’s bedroom at midnight

Jenny: Mom, Mom? Are you awake? Say something if you can hear me. You look asleep. Your hand is wiggling. Does that mean you’re awake? Ok, now it stopped wiggling. Listen, I don’t care if you can hear me or not, um, Mom, I just came in here because I had a nightmare. I know I’m a little old for this, but it was really scary. There were all these trolls and, and they were chasing me, and everything was dark, and I think I was in a cave, and all I really remember was that I was being forced to marry a troll, like the king troll who had all these fangs and a big knife, but I knew he didn’t want to marry me- he wanted to kill me and eat me, because he was a troll! (Pause) Mom, remember today when I said that I hated you? I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry. I love you. OK, I feel better. I know those trolls aren’t real. Plus, I’m gonna get my old night-light from the closet. I love you. Goodnight.

Title: A Savage Creature
Character: Heather, a modern and somewhat strange teenage girl
Setting: Heather’s backyard. She is standing over the fresh grave of her pet cat, Samantha.

Heather: Goodbye Samantha. I’ll miss you. We had a lot of good times together. Like when we just went on walks around the neighborhood. Or the time when you scratched up my bed. I told you not to. But then when did you ever listen to me anyway? You were a savage creature. Downright savage. That’s the word that describes you best- savage. I remember whenever you saw me opening another can of food, your tail would stick straight up. You know, sometimes I think you only hung around me because I fed you, and gave you water. And other times I think you genuinely loved me. It was a savage love, but it was still love. I know I must sound crazy, but, when you would sit in my lap in our ugly purple recliner and we would watch TV, and we would sit there together for hours, and I would pet you, and you would purr, well, I felt like you had some real feelings for me. I mean, real feelings. And I remember the time Dad wanted to teach you to catch mice. (laugh) I can’t believe he bought a mouse just so you could kill it. I tried to tell him that you were too nice and gentle to catch mice, but he was right. You killed that mouse alright. Killed him real good. And that’s what I loved about you. You were savage. And now you’re dirt. (kisses the ground and exits)

Title: Music Sampling
Character: Trisha, a spunky teenage girl who is kind of a snob when it comes to music.
Setting: A house. Trisha has just discovered that her friend Raven left her iPod behind.

Trisha: Whoa, Raven left her iPod here. (puts it on) Oooo, I like this one. It’s got a good beat. This one’s good too. The Mighty Lemonberry Squad? I love the Mighty Lemonberry Squad. They’re so, like, new-wave retro, you know? Well, more like new-wave retro unleashed. Ugh… look at all this punk music. Ugh. That’s all I can say. I had no idea Raven was like that. Ugh. Not that I hate punk music, I only slightly dislike it, but, I mean, all those punk singers need to stop dying their hair once they get past age 30. No, like, 27 even. And they all sound so whiny, like “Oh, ex-girlfriend, why did you leave me? Oh, ex-girlfriend, why couldn’t you stay and finish our video game? Please text me, right now, Oh I miss you.” Whine whine whine whine whine. Agh! Is this for real? Country music? Country music on Raven’s iPod? Those wannabe cowboys are always like, “My horse ran away, and now my horse is dead, and where can I buy another horse…” I mean, seriously, who wants to listen to a song about buying a horse? Don’t sing a song about it- go to Craigslist if you really wanna horse so bad! Raven you and I are going to have a talk when I see you again. Hmm. Techno. Techno music is pretty boss I guess. You can say pretty much anything over and over in a robot voice with a backdrop beat going like, (makes beat-box noise) Frisbee, in motion” “Frisbee, in motion” “Frisbee, in motion” and it’s a techno song. It’s better than electra-trance. There’s a difference ok? But techno isn’t nearly as good as psychedelic trip-hop-pop. Nothing beats psychedelic trip-hop-pop. Nothing except for the Mighty Lemonberry squad!!! Rock on!

Title: We’re Videotaping You.
Character: Stanley, an intense police officer or an FBI agent
Setting: An interrogation room. Stanley is interrogating a crime suspect, who remains silent and scared.

Stanley: How’d you sleep? Keep your hands where I can see them. Just set them on the table. That’s good. Now, how’d you sleep? You look great, do you mind if I tell you that? And the guards, are they treating you to your satisfaction? Excuse me, I asked you a question. I asked you a question and you didn’t answer me. I don’t like that. So how’d you sleep? That’s alright. Don’t talk. Just to let you know, not that I have to tell you, but since I’m feeling generous today I’ll let you in on a little secret. Not all the inmates know about it. We’re videotaping you. We videotape all the people we bring in here for interrogation- if you look really closely in that corner, see that black spot right up there? That’s the camera. So, I’m going to ask you a few questions, and even if you don’t answer with your voice, that’s OK. You’ll answer with your body. You’ll answer with your face. You’ll answer with your sweat. Where were you on the night of June the nineteenth? Interesting. How do you know Nancy Thompson?

Sincerely,
Telemoonfa