Monologues for my drama students part two

Dear Readers,

Here are a few more monologues I wrote today. Enjoy.

Sincerely,
Telemoonfa


Title: What the Civil War is All About
Character: Mr. Snail, a new history teacher is trying to teach his unruly class.
Setting: Classroom.

Mr. Snail: (talking generally to the whole class) Class, now, the Civil War was a time when, the Civil War- (talking to one student) Hey can you put that cell phone away? (pause) Please? (pause) Because. Just because! Well, at least hide it under your desk so I can’t see you texting! I’m going to pretend I didn’t see that. OK, now, class, The Civil War, see, was a war, (sounds like he is making it up as he goes along.) a really big war, very big, and it was a time when there was a north side and a south side in this country, the USA, although I suppose there still is a north and a south, but, well, the point is that they were all really mad. Everyone in the country was mad. Very mad. Gregory, return to your seat, young man. And put that peanut butter away. No, do not spread it on the floor! No, stop! You shouldn’t be bringing butter knives into class, anyway! I hope you know you’ll be staying after to clean up that mess you made! So, class, what started the Civil War? (pause) Why did the Civil War even happen at all? (pause) No one knows? Not a single one of you? Well, you should have studied. It was in the book that you were supposed to read for homework. And I was hoping that some of you would know because I really don’t know and it doesn’t matter because you’re not listening to what I'm saying but Robert E. Lee, um, let me write his name on the board, (writes "Robert E Lee" on the board) he was the general who fought a lot of people and he said, “no, I don’t want the people to be alive in New York, er, I mean, Penselvanyia. Yeah. It was Penselvanyia. And that was his exact quote, too. And that, class, is what the Civil War is all about.


Title: Pyrotechnics. Joy.
Character: Jasper or Julie. 14 years old.
Setting: A high school pep assembly. Jasper/ Julie is running for class president.

Jasper: Hi, my name is Jasper (or Julie) and I want to be your class president. I want to be the president for the following seven reasons. Reason one: I play the electric guitar. Reason Two: Electric guitars are so cool. (Holds up a pen) Reason Three: I found this pen in a volcano. I took it out from between some rocks, and then the volcano erupted and I escaped. See, look, the pen has a little bit of lava on it. Reason Four: I have seven cats, and they are all named Max. Max 1, Max 2, Max 3, Max 4, Max 5, Max 6, and Max 7. Max 3 plays the tambourine. We jam. Reason Five. I have seven cats and seven reasons for wanting to be the president. Is that just a coincidence, or is there something bigger at work here? Something bigger than us all? I choose to be a believer. Believe with me. Reason Six. I’ve got what it takes, in general. Reason Seven: two words: Pyrotechnics. Joy. Well, I think my seven reasons say it all. So when you go to the voting booth this afternoon, ask yourself one question: Do I want the drudgery that a different class president will bring? Or do I want magicalness?


Title: The Pies Do Taste Good
Character: Jenny, 14 year old girl.
Setting: Her bedroom.

Jenny: Dad’s gone all the time, for business. I don’t know what kind of business. Just business, you know. Shaking hands, signing contracts, making deals, moving money around. I don’t really know him, because he’s never home, but he sounds pretty important. My Mom stays at home and cooks and cleans. Seriously. She even wears an apron and bakes pies. The pies do taste good, and I’ll admit it’s nice to have some company at home when my friends are being stupid, but that’s not the point. I mean seriously, while I’m at school and Dad’s at work Mom’s at home dusting the chandeliers and dreaming about soap opera guys. I feel sorry for her. That won’t happen to me, though. Nope. I’m going to be a powerful business executive, just like my Dad, but even more powerful. I’ll be the boss of a hundred people, and I’ll have personal assistants who get me coffee and say things like, “Nice pant suit, Ms. Steinberry,” and “Your genius amazes me, Mrs. Steinberry.” And I’ll forget their names. I’ll say, “Thank you, uh… assistant. That’s a nice compliment. However, your performance lately, uh… how do I put this gently? You’re fired.” Sounds like a good future to me.


Title: Zack vs. MegaStarBusters 17.
Character: Zack, 10 year old obsessed with video games.
Setting: Elementary school playground. Zack is talking with another student.

Zack: Oh man, you like MegaStarBusters 17? That’s like my favorite video game! Hey have you ever got to that level in MegaStarBusters 17 where all those lava spikes come at you all at once, from every part of the screen? I found out the secret to that part, dude! All you do is get on the little platform, you know, this special little part where it’s a little more blue than usual, and then you get out your surprise wammy master blaster in your special weapon pack, and you push A B A B up down up down, and that’s the secret code, and all of a sudden a big light flash pops up like Flash! And you’re automatically at the next level, but then once you get to the next level there’s all these lion heads with flames coming out of their mouths and the flames are like this wide and so you can’t do anything about it. You just have to die automatically. You can’t even use the code. Oh man, it’s so crazy. But my cousin said that he knew a guy who helped invent the game and he said that when the video game designers were designing it they wanted to make it impossible because they thought that video games were getting too easy these days. But I think those video game designers are just jerks and I think my cousin’s a liar.


Title: To Santa Claus From Patricia
Character: Patricia, a stuck-up and shallow 15 year old.
Setting: Patricia's bedroom.
Background: She's writing a letter to Santa.

Patricia: Dear Santa, I’ve been really really good this year. Well, pretty good. Forget about that one time at Jason’s, OK? I didn’t know he was that kind of guy. And I hope you weren’t paying much attention to me yesterday. And let’s just forget June ever happened. Just think about all the good stuff I did. Like remember when I told Charlene that she was good at dancing? Well, that was a really really good deed, because she really wasn’t good at dancing and I really had to go out of my way to make someone that pitiful feel nice. So I feel like I totally deserve at least fifty bucks worth of presents for that compliment. Plus, another nice thing I do is… I’m really pretty. Really really pretty. I spread prettiness. And in case you think I’m lying, I’m enclosing a picture of myself to prove it to you. Trust me, your elves will appreciate it. Enough small talk. Here’s the list. A pink umbrella. A pink iPod. A pink TV for my bedroom. A pink t-shirt that says “pink” on it. A pink skirt to go with my pink shirt, so make sure they’re the same color pink. OK, and the last thing I want for Christmas is the coolest thing. A pink giraffe. I'm not talking about a stuffed animal. I want a real giraffe. You might have to do some genetic modification or some animal testing or whatever, but that’s fine. You’re Santa, you can do whatever you want. So get me all the things on the list and I super-duper-promise that I’ll keep being pretty next year. Sincerely, Pink and Pretty Patricia.