I’m Sorry

Dear Readers,

Thank you for reading, wherever you may be. What I have to say to you today is difficult. But it’s moments like these, moments when people admit their faults and attempt to right their wrongs, which truly define character.

I would like to sincerely apologize for the hurt I have caused with my last post. When I wrote and published, “A reason I’d actually consider moving to Canada,” I acted in a moment of haste- a moment marked by a lack of sensitive judgment on my part. The pressures associated with my position of being the sole author and operator of Telemoonfa Time have taken their toll on my mental and physical state, but that is no excuse for what I have done.

I take full emotional and spiritual responsibility for the damages my thoughtless comments have caused to Canadians, to seals, to the offspring of seals, and, finally, to the offspring of Canadians. And let me not forget to acknowledge the particularly devastating harm I have inflicted upon the most vulnerable among us, the offspring of Canadian seals.

Having had the advantage of long hours of reflection, I now realize that my words, “Take that, animal activists!” was a particularly poor choice of vocabulary. As if those unkind words had not been destructive enough, I exclaimed my sentence, as evidenced by the accompanying exclamation mark. I have since been made aware of my error, and wish to publicly acknowledge, insofar as I have the power to do so, that I should have used a period.

Or perhaps in better taste would have been a colon immediately followed by parenthesis, so as to indicate a smiley face. Even better would have been the abbreviation “j” slash “k” which stands for “just kidding” to let you know that my comments were not made in honesty, but were in fact made in jest. The “j/k” would have let you know that I really did not mean to say, “Take that, animal activists!” but rather, “Take that, animal activists! Just Kidding.”

Alas, at the time of my last publication, in a moment of misjudgment, the weaker side of my character prevailed. Alas, alas.

Having said that, I want each one of you individually to know that I feel it is time that we put these hurtful remarks behind us. Pithy arguments over how many seal hearts were consumed or shallow speculation as to how many American expatriates were produced as a result of my last blog post do nothing but continue the feelings of ill-will I am now trying to dissolve. Now is a time for forgiveness. Now is a time for healing.

As the great statesman Abraham Lincoln once said, as he was reaching out to the South near the end of the great and terrible War Between the States, “With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation’s wounds… to do all which may achieve and cherish a just, and a lasting peace, among ourselves, and with all nations.”

I resound Lincoln’s truly American sentiment- resound it with all the vigor I am here and now capable of mustering. By which resounding I hope to right the wrongs I have wrought, and to metaphorically apply band-aids to the icky boo-boos which I am responsible for, and for which icky boo-boos I do now apologize.

Thank you.

And God bless America.

Sincerely,
Telemoonfa