Let’s Not Use “Whom” Anymore

Dear Readers,

Let’s not use “whom” anymore. I don’t like that word. Lots of people don’t like that word.

Maybe it’s OK to write “whom” in the fixed phrase, “To Whom It May Concern,” but that’s it. We definitely shouldn’t speak it out loud. It really irritates me when people use the word “whom” out loud, mostly because whenever I hear it I don’t have time to diagram the spoken sentence in my head and figure out if the person really used the word correctly or they just threw it in to sound smart. Also, the few people I have heard use “whom” out loud (excluding people who are reading out loud from a text) are usually kind of annoying or stuck-up, you know what I mean?

It’s like semi-colons, you know. Kurt Vonnegut said that all semi-colons really do is show that you’ve been to college.

See, there’s people out there who want to distinguish themselves from other people, other seemingly uneducated people, in any way they can. There’s people out there who say “whom” just to make themselves sound highfalutin and educateder-than-thou.

I bet there’s even people out there who wish there was some way to pronounce a semi-colon! There’s prideful people trying to master a certain length of pause- a pause longer than the pause indicated by a comma but shorter than the pause indicated by a break between two sentences. Oooohhh... Imagine how impressive that pause would be during a dinner party conversation!

So maybe we should stop using semi-colons.

Another thing that will change is the rule that says, “there’s three things…” is bad. Technically that’s wrong. You’re supposed to say and write, “there are three things.” But lots of people say “there’s three things,” (maybe because it rolls off the tongue easier. I don’t know) and written language reflects spoken language.

Spoken language is primary and written language is secondary. Every normal human being who grows to maturity learns how to talk, but not every human becomes literate. That’s what I learned in school.

Another thing! It’s OK to split an infinitive. The old rules said it wasn’t OK, but the new rules say that sometimes it’s OK. A famous example of a split infinitive is from the original Star Trek opening, “to boldly go where no man has gone before.” “To go” is the infinitive verb, and the adverb “boldly” splits it.

And it’s also OK to end a sentence with a preposition, such as “What are you here for?” rather than, “For what are you here?” Here’s another example: Doesn’t “That’s something I can get a handle on,” sound a lot better than, “That’s something on which I can get a handle.” ? So, even though the old rule said “don’t end a sentence (or a clause, I think) with a preposition,” the new rule says, “Ending sentences with prepositions is not only fine, but sometimes preferred.”

My favorite explanation for what a preposition is goes like this: (Thanks, Mrs. Voorhees, my high school freshman English teacher!), A preposition is anything a squirrel can do to a tree. A squirrel can go around a tree, a squirrel can go up a tree, down a tree, etc. There are a few exceptions, though. It’d be really weird to see a squirrel go of a tree, or go about a tree.

Ha ha ha. A squirrel going of a tree.

That's metaphysical, dude.

From what I understand, most linguists think that “whom” will go the way of the dodo bird pretty soon. That’s what happens, you know. Language changes. Just like the pronouns “thee” and “thy” and “thou” have fallen out of common use, so too will “whom” fall out of common use, eventually.

But I want "whom" to die now! There’s a few pesky people keeping “whom” alive. Are you one of them?

I’m just not patient enough to see “whom” gradually fade away. I’d rather actively fight for the extinction of “whom.”

It’s funny, though, I’m a little worried that this very blog post might further propagate “whom” usage! Oh no!

Sincerely,
Telemoonfa

P.S. I love everyone. Love love love. Love is in my heart. I even love people who use "whom" in their everyday speech! They're just misguided, that's all. But I love misguided people!