Bumperstickers, Part Two

Dear Readers,

When I wrote my last blog post, I thought it might ruffle people’s feathers, push people’s buttons, and splash splotches of spaghetti sauce on people’s clothes when people really didn’t want to have their clothes splashed with splotches of spaghetti sauce. And ruffle feathers my last post did. A little.

I’d like to make it clear that there’s no way I would really put any of those bumperstickers on my car. Most of them are contemptibly ridiculous, gigantically preposterous and outrageously outlandish! But I think they’re funny. I laughed when I wrote them.

Some of my other posts may have been upsetting, too. To soothe some of you out there with tender feelings, let me say that I never actually stabbed a pig and ate all of its bacon. That would have been incredibly cruel! And my story about Muslims stealing people’s pet rabbits and sacrificing them to Allah was supposed to be in the same comedic vein that the bumperstickers are in- outrageous, shocking, maybe funny, maybe not, I don’t know. Sometimes I feel bad about some of the stuff on here that I think is cool and funny but others find neither cool nor funny... Yeah… “Muslims do Animal Sacrifice!” is the blog entry I feel worst about.

But if I don’t take risks and push the envelope a little bit, then that can be ala-swiffern, you know? Ala-swiffern plus yooon! That’s how I really feel with my true feelings in my heart, and my feelings feel their own feelings with feelings of love, you know?

I thought I would comment on a few of my bumpersticker ideas to let you all know that I'm really not a terrible guy. Not that I need to redeem myself or explain myself, but I'm bored, and I don't want to do homework, and I have a little bit more time to kill before my wife gets home from work.

You can’t spell Obama without BAM!

I’m not sure what that one means at all, but it resonates with my spirit! It could mean that Obama will do something violent to you that will result in a cliché comic-book onomatopoeia. Or it could just be trying associate Obama with Bam!- a word that has a negative connotation. I would say bam has a negative connotation because when stuff goes bam, it either blows up or gets punched or something like that.

I play football instead of hackey-sack… and I Don’t Eat Granola!

I actually have played much more hackey-sack in my life than football, and I do eat granola. I was just thinking about how funny it would be if somebody had a bumpersticker like that on his car or truck. (It would go better on a big pickup truck, with dual wheels in the back, diesel-powered, an extra loud muffler, and a lift kit put on the obnoxious hulking thing.) That bumpersticker would display macho-macho manliness for sure ha ha ha. The bumpersticker is also making fun of the hippie stereotype- you know, Birkenstock-wearing, dirty-dreadlock- having, granola-eating, communal-living, and private-part disease-transmitting hippies! But it's also secretly making fun of the people making fun of hippies. Like, the people who make fun of hippies are so... stereotypical-izing that they base hippies's lives on trivial things like eating granola and playing hackey-sack and listening to Bob Marley and the Grateful Dead.

I make the sound of a grizzly bear

This one was trying to be tough and manly too. Bears are confrontational, you know, and tough, and they growl really loud.

I look for rainbows… then shoot them

This one is silly. Who would actually shoot rainbows? That’s insane. Simply insane! How silly that bumpersticker is. Shame on me, for being so silly. There’s no way you could actually hit a rainbow, either. Trust me- I’ve tried it. Unfortunately, a precious pot of gold was lost that day. Also, rainbows represent peace and diversity and beauty. And I like all that stuff, sort of, you know, sometimes, really I do.

I work for a living, unlike the homeless

Oh I’m so mean! And so cruel! How could I be so cruel?! This might be the meanest bumpersticker out off all of them. Ha ha ha. Oooo… it’s so mean! Yikes! Like, wow! I can’t believe how mean it is.

WOOSH!

This bumpersticker idea is mostly an inside joke. There was this West Virginian I used to know who would always tell stories that ended the same way- with the word WOOSH! And when he said WOOSH, his eyes would get big and his arms would flail about wildly. He was a good guy.

The first time I met him, I was standing in a hallway at church, and the first thing he says to me is, after chuckling to himself a bit, is, “Do you like blow-ups?” Ha ha ha. He was a funny guy.

He would tell me really funny stories like this:

“One time, I smeared an egg with nitro-glycerin mixed with gun powder, and then I wrapped it all up in aluminum foil, except I left a little hole in the aluminum foil so I could put a fuse on it, and the fuse was just string dipped in kerosene, and then I went to the edge of a cliff, and I lit the fuse and I threw it, and then WOOSH!”

“One time, I found a propane tank, like for barbeque grill, and I took it to my house, and I poured gasoline over the top of it, and I put the tank that was all the way full with propane in a hole filed with three sticks of TNT in it, and then I got back about 30 feet, and I shot it with a BB gun, and that didn’t do anything, so then I shot it over and over again with a 22 rifle, like pop pop pop pop, and then, WOOSH!

“One time, I got a light bulb, and I got a syringe, and I injected the light bulb with lighter fluid, and then I put the light bulb back in the socket, and then like five minutes later, my cousin came into the room, and I was watching him from outside with binoculars, and he was like, “why is it so dark in here?” and he flipped on the light switch, and then all of a sudden- WOOSH!

Back in my day…

That would go well on a golf cart in the retirement community/ small town of Green Valley, Arizona. There are lots of golf courses, golf carts, and even golf lanes there. I can imagine an old guy who starts out half of his sentences with, “Back in my day…”

I disapprove of the current president

This bumpersticker is always relevant! Ha ha ha. If you got this bumpersticker, you wouldn’t have to keep changing your bumperstickers every 4 or 8 years. Unless Mitt Romney gets elected as President in 2012 or 2016, and then you would probably need to change the bumpersticker to a bumpersticker that says something good about Mitt Romney.

Only Communists go to the library!

It sounds shocking at first, I know, but public libraries are fundamentally communist. Think about it… they’re run by the government… no individual owns those books… we all share them… that’s communism!

Ha ha ha. Really, I love libraries, I go to libraries, I support libraries, and I hope more people take advantage of the libraries in their home town. Libraries keep kids off the streets, you know.
Now that I've explained my bumpersticker ideas, I hope that you find them a lot more enjoyable. Have a nice day.

Sincerely,
Telemoonfa