Plant of the Thing I Bought and other poems

Dear fans,

Writing my novel is really hard. I have 100 pages, but I need more of course. But right now I'm procrastinating and I looked through one of my old poetry books and found some poems that I think are pretty cool but haven't been posted on Telemoonfa Time yet. So I typed them up and here they are. I wrote all of them when I served a mission in the West Virginia Charleston Mission from 2002 to 2004. But this morning when I typed them I made some changes that I think make them better. Enjoy.


Deep Doctrine

Mysterious passages of scripture
excite the mind with visions of eternity,
infinity and miracles and gender.

Cosmic views seen through a glass darkly
flood the soul with feelings of
infinity and miracles and gender

While in this temporary gathering of each
of the five senses we talk of shadows of
infinity and miracles and gender

During mortality deep doctrine
mocks our thoughts with truth of
infinity and miracles and gender.


I’m all up over this Poemness

Yo check this rhyme sometime!
Hearken to my iambic pentameter.
Yo check this rhyme sometime!
Hearken to my iambic pentameter.
Yo check this rhyme sometime!
Hearken to my iambic pentameter.
It moves you, doesn’t it?


Dog One, Dog Two, Dog Three

1) Male
2) Female
3) Male

1) Obedient
2) Obedient
3) Disobedient

1) Happy
2) Slaphappy
3) Slaphappy

1) Dog Two
2) Dog Three
3) Dog One

1) Expensive
2) Expensive
3) Expensive

1) Fun-loving
2) Fun-loving
3) Hateful bounder


Examples of and Two Explanations for Misplaced Onomatopoeias

Clash Smack Blook Tawk
Hear the sounds of a shaking rock
Bing bang tooo zip
Or how ‘bout a fight on a pirate ship?
Crunch Bunch Gaw Jath
That’s the sound of walking on a path
Yip Yaw Zoon Goooot
There goes Daddy’s steel-toed boot

1) Oh the sounds
Oh the sounds
The misplaced sounds
The very very very very very misplaced sounds

2) Oh the ears
Oh the ears
The damaged ears
The very very very very very misplaced ears


Yawning, Putting on my Robe

I’m prepared for breakfast,
But is breakfast prepared for me?
I’m itching to get moving,
But is moving itching to get me?



Instructions for real-time Bible reading: Genesis 5:1-3

[Read:] This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him; male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created. And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years [pause 130 years] and begat a son in his own likeness, after his image, and called his name Seth:


Close Encounters of the Plant Kind

Rustle rustle in your face
Distractaling distractaling your business
Ha ha ha that’s me
Yeah yeah yeah that’s me
Yes I rustle yes I distract
Ha ha ha that’s me
Yeah yeah yeah that’s me


Bouncing Running Skipping

Bounce bounce bounce
Run run run
Skip skip skip


Squirrels that jump like frogs on pogo sticks, wearing super high jump boots

Zing! Hop!
There they go! Jumping!
Tree to tree-
Tree to ground-
Ground to Tree-
And the slightly less daring ground to ground!
The squirrels wear sunglasses-
There’s fourteen fourteen of ‘em,
And they’re all teenagers on television!
They jump like frogs on pogo sticks, wearing super high jump boots!


Eat this Popsicle while I tell you a Rhymesicle

Cat Hat Bat,
All mixed together in a vat,
Gets me ready for a very fat spat-

Punch!


The Clean and the Unclean

I’m sure the clean probably mixed in
with the unclean sometimes, in Moses’ day.
And just as night and day have a dusk,
And black and white have a gray,
My brain has two sides, and where they meet,
There’s a man, shriveled and indecisive.


Returning from the grocery store

Sunflower seeds, kidney beans, macaroni and cheese
What do you think of these?
Vitamin C tablets, candy canes, spaghetti sauce
If I destroyed these, would it be a great loss?
Tortilla chips, peanut butter, bubble gum
My loss of food would be a loss of yum.
Garbanzo beans, a dozen eggs, toothpicks
The more the yum, the more the licks.
Whole milk, frozen French fries, pickles
These things are worth more than nickels.
What do you think of my trip to the grocery store you nosy probably stealer?


Burning pig strips

Sizzling bacon
Oh I’m achin’
It’ll taste good
The best kind of stuff in the neighborhood


Really Big Fire, Plus Dragons

A tale was told in ye olden time
Of yonder exploits involving dragons
Spewing forth fire
that ‘twas hot, hot, hot, like a fire
(exactly like a fire!)
Oh! Oooh! ‘tis making me perspire!
What? Doth thou count me a liar?
Listen, Chavez, a tale was told,
But -that’s right- I used past tense,
And I’m not gonna tell it so if you wanna
Hear it then go get a quarter and put it in a phone
And call a caring female, ‘cause that’s what you are.
Yeah! You’re a female!
Chavez, you’re a female!


What Do I See at 8:30 PM on December 8th, 2003 (with my demon eyes?)

Three bags of cereal
A pan
A towel with a demon on it
Fourteen pieces of air
You’re a female, Chavez!


The Terribly True Account of the Dialogue Between a Once-Christian Boy and a Magic 8 Ball: An Official Recitation of MAMEB (Mothers Against Magic Eight Balls)

Q: Am I cool enough to ask Tiffany out?

Shake shake shake

A: Reply hazy, try again later.

Q: Will I live until I’m 20?

Shake shake shake

A: No.

Q: Should I be a Democrat or a Republican?

Shake shake shake

A: A Democrat.

Q: Am I cool enough to ask Tiffany out?

A: No, and that’s why you should burn the house down.

Hey! I didn’t shake you! I want my priest! I want my priest! (then, with hypnotized-swirl eyes) I will now burn the house down.


Downtown With My New Dreadlocks

I’m walking down the street
I’m grooving to the beat
I wonder who I’ll meet
Stepping down the street

Oh it’s Pete, sweet!
Hey Pete, you wanna go eat?

We’re munching on some bread
We’re getting nice and fed
We’re talking about my head
Wondering if I’m dead

Crap, it’s Ned, the blockhead-
He overheard what we said!

I’m running ‘cross the floor
I’m opening the door
I’m exiting the store
Joining the Peace Corps

Peace I adore, and Indian Lore;
Let’s make happy stuff, not war!


Plant of the Thing I Bought

My plant has leaves
My plant has flowers
My plant is so lovely
I love my plant forever
I want to dance around my plant
I want to put clothes on my plant
My plant is smelling good right now

My plant is saying hello
My plant wants to go to the store
“My plant wants to go to the store”
That’s what my plant said
Even though my plant said, “my plant”
He was talking about my plant, himself
My plant was talking about my plant, get it?

Umm…. My plant likes to make friends
My plant’s friends are other plants
Other plants aren’t as pretty as my plant
My plant has a personality
“A personality of love” says my plant
Only my plant wants to talk to me anyway
You can’t hear my plant when he talks
Only I can hear my plant
My plant gets angry sometimes

Like right now my plant is furious and ferocious about telling you about him because he’s jealous and he likes to be alone in his room and he never comes out and he said very many bad words to me and made me cry and he said, “don’t you ever do that again or I will be the most mean! Meaner than even you ever seen in your whole life” so I have to stay here and talk with him so he does not get the most of the upset and I have to feed him bugs and I’m scared now because maybe I shouldn’t be talking with you about him but I love my plant yes I love him and I want to show the world my plant of the thing I bought and that’s why I decided to tell you that I have a good plant yes a nice nice doesn’t-get-mad plant and it’s a good thing I’m in charge of this plant and this poem because oh buddy if I wasn’t in charge you would probably get the most death and I would have to listen to my plant yell at me and I would probably start to cry.

My plant gets angry
My plant gets upset
My plant is a person
I have been lying to you about my plant
My plant has a body like my body
My plant has two eyes that he can see with
My plant has two ears that he can hear with
My plant has a mouth that he can talk with
My plant isn’t really a plant, but that’s what I call him

He’s mine, though, yes, my plant is mine
I bought my plant, but not with money
I bought my plant with honesty
I bought my plant with good deeds
I mean I sacrificed a truth here for my plant
And I killed a purity there for my plant
The more I killed, the more my plant grew
I am scared of my plant now
I wish I could tell someone about my plant

I wish I weren’t going to destroy this poem about the plant of the thing I bought when I’m finished writing it and oh how I wish I hadn’t of bought him and nourished and clothed him and even there was this one time I remember when I was wearing a warm coat and it was cold in my room because it’s better for my plant if it’s cold well I don’t know the science behind it but he likes it better that way he says so cold in fact that one time when I was so cold he said “give your coat to me” and I said “but then I will be cold and you’re the one that wanted it cold so maybe I should make it warmer in here if you would like” and the plant said to me again “give me your coat” and so I gave him my coat and he wore it and I shivered- that’s the kind of mean things my plant would do just for fun I guess, but I

Must say that my plant is good to dance around
My plant especially likes it when I dance around him

And I like my plant
I really do like my plant
My plant has leaves
And my plant is not a human
My plant is not a problem
My plant of the thing I bought