The Account of Captain Archibald Newton, who Bravely Traversed the Deserts of Southern Arizona, and the Many Strange Occurrences which Occurred There, Including the Occurrence of His Sneezing Fit, and the Occurrence of His Rock Eating, and Many Other Occurrences which Most Undoubtedly Occurred, Faithfully Dictated to Squire Pablo, an Ambidextrous Peruvian.

Ah! The desert!  Ah! The cactus!

Ah! The green-barked trees

which scraggle their crooked limbs

and twizzle their twisted twigs 

across the sun-beaming skies of Cochise County!

Or maybe it’s Pima County.  

I don’t know where I am right now.

Ah! Ah!  This desert makes me say "Ah!”

 

Mmmm… yessiree these palo verde trees 

sure do make me queazy in the knees

because they are sooooooooooooo dreamy!

And how pleasing to the senses

are miles of desert, without fences!  Ah-choo!

Actually, come to think of it,

they’re not very pleasing at all.

When the noon-time heat-breeze bashes 

its hot breezy fist of breeze into my face,

yellow pollen blasts all over the place,

especially up my nose!  

Ah-choo! Ah-choo! I sneeze!  

Hey, desert trees and desert breeze,

I’d really like to breathe,

so can you cut that out, please?  

Ah-choo!

Keep your pollen to yourself

before I chop you up

and turn you into a shelf!

Ah!  Though I shout out a protestation,

the desert theater begins its feature presentation:

Attack of the Breeze-Borne Pollen Monsters! 

I surrender!  I surrender!

Look! I’m down on the ground!

What? 

You want me to eat a rock?  

What?

A tree is communicating with my mind?

That’s insane!

OK! OK!  I’ll do it!

I’ll do it for you, desert tree!

I WILL EAT A ROCK!

  

But just a little one, OK?

Munch munch munch

munch munch munch.