Dear Readers,
Here's how I'll be voting and why. The people I'll be voting for are in bold. I live in Arizona, in Congressional District 4, Legislative District 16, and I live in an unincorporated part of Pinal County, so I won't be voting for any city council members. (I oppose all efforts of incorporation, by the way.)
United States Senator:
Cardon, Wil
Flake, Jeff
Hackberth, bryan
Van Steenwyk, Clair
I'm voting for Cardon because he's the tea-party outsider challenging the establishment. He'll lose, but at least it will be a valiant effort. I'm pretty sure Arizona will have Jeff Flake as a Senator for the next 36 years. That's the way things usually go around here. Luckily, Jeff Flake isn't that bad of a Republican. He's pretty conservative. I'm just tired of career politicians, that's all. I have a lot of other good reasons for wanting Cardon in and Flake out. Trust me, I have really really good reasons. Like Flake sponsored a cap-and-trade bill to fight phoney-baloney global warming. Like Flake is soft on border security. Like Flake broke his term-limit pledge. Like Flake enjoys looking in the mirror at his toned abs and blonde highlights a little too much. I could go on, but at this point, what's the point? Do I really think that by listing my reasons for opposing Flake I could persuade enough of you to sway the election?
My really really good reasons notwithstanding, polls show that my vote on this race doesn't matter. Flake is so far ahead, it would take a miracle for Cardon to win. I know voicing my opinion on Telemoonfa Time isn't very influential, but, hey, I can only do so much, you know? I can't turn water into wine, and I can't turn Wil into a winner. For better or for worse, Flake is my Senator, forever and ever. The Serenity Prayer seems appropriate here.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
United States Representative:
Gould, Ron
Murphy, Rick
Gosar, Paul
I'm picking Ron Gould because all my tea-party pals say I should. Plus, Gould did this seriously so awesome commercial where he shot Obamacare. BLAM! Just looking at a picture of Gould and his haircut tells you who's more conservative. Plus, who are you gonna trust to be more conservative? Someone from the Wild West town of Lake Havasu City where everybody has a gun and a big truck, or Flagstaff, the hippie mountain town where they sip chai tea and chortle over the latest issue of the New Yorker magazine? (FYI, Gould is from Lake Havasu City and Gosar is from Flagstaff.) Vote Gould!
State Senator District 16:
Fillmore, John
Crandall, Rich
I’m voting for John Fillmore because he’s the true tea-party conservative. (I feel like I’m getting repetitive. I feel like I’m getting repetitive.) But seriously, Fillmore has a better rating with the Pachyderm Coalition than Crandall does. (Warning: any claims made on Telemoonfa Time regarding anything have not been verified by independent, impartial parties and may only be “true” in the sense that they exist or have existed in the mind of Telemoonfa.) John Fillmore has a Master’s degree from the school of hard knocks. Ha ha ha. That’s one of the things that he likes to say, and that’s one of the things that endears me to him. He runs his own small business, he’s a Grandpa, and he’s just so warm and wholesome!
Crandall, on the other hand… well, he’s this slick-talkin’ mushy moderate RINO (Republican in name only) and he’s a FCINO (fiscal conservative in name only) and he’s a RCINO (Rich Crandall in name only. i.e. the rest of Crandall’s entity, or the non-name portion of his metaphysical life-thrust, is composed of attributes totally unassociated with the name “Rich Crandall.” The only thing Rich Crandall about Rich Crandall is his name! How deceptive! The true essence of the man is very Gregory, or very Charles, I’d say.)
He’s also an APTDBTSUTVMOTT (a politician that doesn’t bother to show up to vote most of the time.) And Crandall’s really into being healthy, much like Adolf Hitler was. I hear he runs some kind of backroom green-based vitamin and minerals operation. I picture smoke coming out of tubes, mutated lizards behind plexiglass, starry-eyed children chanting nutritional mantras between bites of gray food-bars with green spots, stuff like that. And Crandall really wants to get “healthy” food into public schools, through Chicago style lunch enforcement. Did you hear that some school in the Windy City said that kids can’t bring their own lunches to school, because their parents don’t know how to pack healthy, balanced meals? Arrrggghhhh!!! If you want that kind of thing happening here, go ahead and vote for Crandall. But if you want freedom, opportunity, and the smell of liberty wafting into your sturdy American nostrils, then vote for the man who will fill your wallet with more cash, and fill your heart with more love: vote for Fillmore!
State Represenatative District 16:
Townsend, Kelly
Coleman, Doug
Davis, Jeff
Novalsky, Judy
By now the perceptive pattern-recognizers among you recognize how I pick who to vote for: I choose whoever is first on the list. Ha ha ha, just kidding. But seriously, isn't it weird that all my favorite candidates so far are at the top of the lists?
I’m voting for Kelly Townsend because she started the Greater Phoenix Tea Party Network, which is an Internet-based political action thing-a-ma-jig that I joined a while back. I didn't really do much with it, but I got emails from her about protests I could go to, or about how I should write letters to elected representatives, or different things like that. I read some of the stuff she wrote, and boy is she conservative. She’s also passionate and productive.
And, you know what else? I’ll say it, she’s pretty. That’s a plus. I like having attractive women in positions of power. Maybe it’s kind of chauvinistic of me to say this, but I can’t be the only one to notice that conservative female politicians are way more attractive than liberal female politicians. Compare Sarah Palin with Debbie Wasserman-Schultz. Compare Christinne O’Donnell with Hillary Clinton. Or even compare Arizona’s recent Governors, Jan Brewer and Janet Napolitano. It’s clear to me which women radiate more warmth, beauty and va-va-va-voom. It’s the Republicans.
I’m probably not only attracted to Republican women’s looks, but I’m attracted to the gospel that they preach. When they talk about liberty, small government, and the right to bear arms, that brings peace to my soul. But when a liberal woman starts talking about the right to abortion or the need to pump more money into some early childhood education program, or universal health care, that stirs up bitter emotions in me, and I just can’t find that woman appealing. Vote Townsend!
Corporation Commissioner:
Bittersmith, Susan
Burns, Robert "Bob"
Stump, Bob
Um, I like them all. I think I’ll vote for all three. Ha ha ha. There are three spots available, and there are only three candidates so the Republican primary is just a cake walk for Bittersmith, Burns and Stump. I would complain about the lack of options, but sometimes it’s a relief to not have to think and just fill in all the bubbles. It’s like when you’re trying to pick out jelly at the grocery store and there’s so many flavors you have to stand there forever and look at them all. I'm a busy man. I can't be staring at rows and rows of jelly all the time. If there was only strawberry, you’d be out of the store a lot faster and you could move on to more important things, you know. And I like strawberry.
Before you think that I enjoy the limiting of options, remember that there comes a point at which all metaphors, allegories, and parables break down. The Smurfs are an allegory for a communist utopia. We can learn much from this allegory, but communists aren’t three apples tall, you know? And the Smurfs don't murder their fellow-citizens, like the communists do. There is a danger in stretching an allegory too far. But there is also a danger is rejecting all allegories.
Board of Supervisors District 2:
Acton, John
Castillo, Tisha
Chase, Cheryl
Mccord, Michael
Springer, Carol
See this post for why I’m voting for Michael McCord. I have another thing I want to say, though, to Cheryl Chase. Where do you get all your money to mail stuff? I must have received ten mailings from you! That’s a little overblown, don’t you think? I mistrust your campaign because it’s so big. It makes me think that you’re being funded by the RINO Establishment or the United Nations or the Illuminati something. And campaigning with Paul Babeu does not help you win over social conservatives. But, I guess if name identification and pomp wins elections, then you’ll win. But if values, conservative ideas and relevant experience still matter, then Michael McCord will win. Vote Michael McCord!
Oh, and another thing. I happened to see Tisha Castillo at the Olive Mill restaurant today. She was wearing a Tisha Castillo for Supervisor T-shirt. Isn’t that funny?
There was a guy at the Olive Mill playing a guitar and singing. It was great. Live music is good for the soul. Remember how I oppose San Tan Valley incorporation, but Michael McCord supports incorporation? Well, I kind of support incorporation, if it means we'll get more artsy stuff going on around here. Seriously, artsy folks like me don't want to have to drive a half an hour just to see an art museum or a good concert or a good play.
County Attorney:
Voyles, Lando
In this election, there is only one man for the job of Pinal County Attorney, and that man is Lando. Only Lando has proven that he has the wherewithal and stick-to-it-tive-ness to qualify for the ballot. Only Lando had the nigh-prophetic forward thinking skills to see that the position of County Attorney was open, and only Lando took the initiative that nobody else did: he ran. When everyone else stood motionless in a non-running state, Lando was there, running. Vote Lando!
Sheriff:
Arnson, Derek
Babeu,Paul
Bearup, Tom
Mcclaren, Jack
OK, this one I had to research a little, and I just spent about a half an hour googling. First of all, I want to thank Paul Babeu for all the great work he’s done as Sheriff. I understand that a lot of the police officers like him, and that he is running things very efficiently over at the Sheriff’s office. I’ve been conflicted about whether to vote for him or not. And, uh, this is going to sound horrible, but maybe it shouldn’t sound that horrible. I’d rather not vote for him because he’s gay. There, I said it.
I think after I found out Babeu was gay, I looked for more reasons not to vote for him. And I found a few. I disliked how politically ambitious he was. He seemed to jump in front of every camera and microphone. I disliked how he was constantly asking for more money for border security. I disliked how quick he was to blame everything on illegal immigrants. But let me be clear. I absolutely appreciate his service to the country when he was in the military, and his great service to Pinal County. Babeu put his life on the line, for me. A scripture comes to mind, a scripture that I hope Babeu and all American cops and soldiers know and believe, “Greater love hath no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” Thank you, Paul Babeu, for your service.
People aren’t either all good or all evil. Hitler had an eye for good art. Martin Luther King Jr. was an adulterer. People are complicated. We shouldn’t dismiss a person’s achievements because of his or her faults. We should somehow simultaneously celebrate their successes and condemn their sins, remembering that only the Lord is the perfect judge. I think we should rejoice in goodness and truth, wherever it is found, and denounce evil and error, wherever it is found. I think it was right for Chris Christie to have the flags lowered to half-mast for Whitney Houston.
So anyway, I want a change, and I think the best man to replace Babeu is Derek Arnson. A conservative friend of mine, State Senator Chuck Gray, endorses Arnson, and that means a lot to me. Arnson has tons of experience, he’s a good family man, and he’s endorsed by the Casa Grande Pachyderm Coalition, and um… well, the other candidates seem good too, especially Bearup, what with his delightful name and all. But I’m going with Arnson. I am a little worried that Babeu will win, just because of his strong name recognition and his rich campaign machine, but well, we'll see what happens.
County Treasurer:
Boyd, Steven
Boy, I sure do like Boyd.
County School Superintendent:
Broussard, Jill
Gonzalez, Anthony
I’m tired. I don’t know who I’m going to vote for. I have about two more weeks to figure it out, so I’ll just decide later. If some tea-party patriot (remember, the buzz-word is tea-party) would do my homework for me, I’d really appreciate it. But you have to be tea-partier! Just leave a comment and tell me who to vote for and why. Thanks.
County Recorder:
Ross, Virginia
Virginia Ross really knows how to record things real good, like records, so she is so good for to be the recorder and it’s great. 4 America!
County Assessor:
Acton, Jeffrey
Wolf, Douglas
After reading this TriValley Central article, I gotta go with Wolf. He’s got way more experience. And Acton doesn’t present his ideas clearly. Look at what Acton said, as quoted in the article:
“My goals are to lower taxes and bring new businesses to the area and to have lower taxes, which would attract bigger and better businesses to the area and improve [the county’s] infrastructure,” he said.
So, Acton has four, arguably five, arguably three, arguably two goals:
1] lower taxes
2] bring new business
3] have lower taxes (this is different than goal 1. Goal 1 implies Acton is an independent agent exerting change upon the taxes, causing them to lower. "to have lower taxes" however, implies that the taxes will be lowered, presumably by other people or by forces of nature.)
4] bigger and better businesses. (this is different than goal 2, which was to bring new business. After the new business is brought in, then bigger and better businesses will be brought in, even bigger and even better than the “new business”. Wow! Just how much bigger and how much better will these new businesses be, Jeffrey Acton?
5] improve infrastructure. It is unclear whether this goal is a separate, and therefore, fifth, goal, or whether it is the direct result of the successful implementation of goal 3. Since- in Acton's mind at least- the improvement of infrastructure would automatically occur upon the achievement of goal 3, no effort or attention needs to be given to pursuing goal 5. And if it will automatically occur, why call it a goal at all, since the term "goal" is usually applied to something that is fought for. Come to think of it, goal 4 could also be considered a byproduct, or a natural outgrowth, of the achievement of goal 3, so there may only be a total of 3 goals. And since goals 1 and 3 are essentially identical, maybe we should consider Acton's goals to consist of two items and two items only: lower taxes and businesses that are new, bigger, and better.
Back to the text of the article:
Besides attracting businesses, Acton said he wants to “return control over our taxes” to the residents of Pinal County and to reduce the county’s budget and cut spending.
“[The Pinal County] supervisors spent away the rainy day fund, but now we have no choice to raise taxes,” he said.
So does this mean Acton will raise taxes? It sounds like it. He says that we quote, “have to.” This is in his own words! And if raising taxes is non-negotiable, that would pretty much destroy goals 1, 3, and 4. Not to mention goals 2 and 5, if goal 5 can be said to exist at all. (Remember, goal 4 is irrevocably predicated upon the successful implementation of goal 3. But remember, goal 3 is also considered to be goal 2. And goal 2 is nothing more than goal 5, repeated, considering that goal 5 is the natural consequence of reaching goal 1, so we may all comfortably rest our minds upon the equation goal 5 = goal 1.) But wait, there’s more!
The Board of Supervisors recently lowered the tax rate from $3.99 to $3.79 per $100 of assessed valuation when it approved its 2012-13 fiscal year budget. Acton, however, said he wanted an additional 20-percent decrease.
Hmmm... Acton will lower taxes after all, by 20 %. That's a lot of percentages! Wow! What a bold proposal by Acton, especially considering the fact that taxes "have to" be raised. Acton sure must be a conservative leader to lower taxes when they have to be raised!
Well, that was all fun, but seriously, Wolf is the serious candidate. Vote for Wolf. Seriously.
Constable:
write in
I'm writing in my own name, Telemoonfa, because I've always wanted to take care of the county's horse stables. (That's what a constable does, right?) There's just something so romantic about roaming about the countryside on a royal steed and stopping at brooks to give the horse water and tucking the horses into their stables at night. Telemoonfa for Constable: the stable choice for consistently awesome horse stables.
Sincerely,
Telemoonfa
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