Don't Go to the Church with the Grizzly Bear in it

They keep a grizzly locked at the end
of the hall, behind the last door on the left.
Whenever one of the churchgoers
Has sinned in secret, then returns to the sanctuary,
Unrepentant and pretty-faced,
the bear sniffs the sinner out.
He’ll scratch, pause, scratch, pause, scratch.
The Priest excuses himself,
walks down the hall, inserts key with trembling
hand, swings wide the door, and shouts with arms upraised,
“Administer sacred justice, O Holy Bear!
Let Heaven come to Earth!”

The bear ambles to the sanctuary
slowly makes his way to the guilty one,
and then mauls the sinner!
Eats his stomach! crushes his skull!
Chomps his face!
chomps! chomps his bloody face!
In the midst of the congregation,
While the rest look on in reverence.

Intestines get all over the pews.

The Priest gives a solemn clap clap clap,
And the bear returns to his room,
Behind the last door on the left.

After the service, the body parts
Are scattered in the churchyard
And the sinner’s soul goes to Hell.

So it went for generations.
Perplexingly, church attendance increased.

But one Sabbath the bear sniffed toward Beatrice,
The banker’s new bride, for whom
The Priest held an insuppressible secret passion.
As the bear approached, Beatrice sat
Bowing her head, her golden locks a-flow,
Her blossom-blue eyes sparkling with pure sparkles
That became more sparkly the more they sparkled,
Her body beaming beauteous beautiful beauty-beams,
A warm light emanating and cascading and rippling
And drip-drip-dropping from her bosom.
Calm as a summer afternoon
when a sailboat sails by on a whispery breeze
and there's lots of seagulls and pelicans and stuff,
Beatrice sat, when the bear swiped at her with heavy paw,
Opened its jaws and yelled, “Rowr-raaaggghhhhllff!”

Just then, the Priest threw himself between Beatrice
And the bear! He let himself be eaten! He had saved her!

After the Priest was dead, the bear
Didn’t know what to do anymore.
There was no clap clap clap.
So he did what he did best. He killed everyone!
Even Beatrice. They all sat starry-eyed,
Waiting for teeth to come to their throats.
After they were eaten, they all went to Hell.
Even Beatrice.

In Hell there were more grizzly bears
That kept eating everybody’s guts,
And then everybody got to rest for a few minutes
While more intestines regrew, like lizard’s tails.
But the bears came back too,
And mauled everybody again,
And ate everybody's guts again,
And it hurt really really bad,
And that happened over and over and over again, forever.