More Love Advice

Dear Readers,

My last post was such a hit, and the emails asking for love advice just kept rolling in, and it just isn't right to withhold my wisdom any longer, so here we go with another round of fix-your-heart advice, Telemoonfa style!

Dear Telemoonfa,

I'm 25 and my Mom says it's time for me to get married, and I think so too, but I have a problem. I'm in love with a cartoon character. It's Velma from Scooby Doo. I know it sounds crazy, but there's something about her outfit, that orange sweatshirt, that mini-skirt, those glasses... and when she has a magnifying glass in her hand, all I can say is, YOWZA!!! But my love for her isn't only based on looks. I really appreciate her personality, she's smart, she's funny, she's kind. She would make the perfect wife. I've tried dating three-dimensial, live-action women, but none of them compare to Velma. I know it's sad, but sometimes I hang around castles or abandoned mansions at night, just hoping that Velma- the real Velma- will come to solve a mystery. Then she'll find me and try to pull my mask off, but I won't be wearing a mask, and then she'll bump into something and her glasses will fall off, and she'll crawl around, feeling for them, and I'll pick them up for her, and put them on her face, and then she'll she me, and we'll look into eachother's eyes, and then... oh, why do I get carried away with fantasies like this? It can never really happen, can it, Telemoonfa?

Hopefully,
an anonymous Velma-maniac

Dear Hopeful,

Realize that you are alone. You are the only person ever to have a crush on a cartoon character. And since your love-sickness is unique, therefore, my three-step love-cure for you is unique. First, find a girl that will marry you. Never mind how you feel about her. If you can't find a girl from the neighborhood, consider buying a Russian bride. Second, make the girl dress like Velma, all the time. Teach her to talk and act like Velma, as much as possible. Third- and this is the most important step- convince yourself that she actually is Velma. Spend ten minutes a day for the rest of your life looking in the mirror and saying, "I am married to Velma from Scooby Doo. I am married to Velma from Scooby Doo," over and over and over again. Just think, won't it be wonderful to be the only guy in the world to be actually married to a cartoon character?

Dear Telemoonfa,

Every day I see this one girl at the vending machine. It's at school. I don't even know her name, I never even talked to her, but she usually gets chips. Sometimes she gets like a soda. I always get CornNuts. Anyways, she's hot. It makes me feel messed up. What do I do?

Messed up,
Mike

Dear Mike,

You have a few options. Option # 1: Next time she buys chips, say, "Hey, you like chips because you're buying chips of course and maybe lunchtime together for us? Like chips together?!" And then laugh. Excessive laughter puts girls at ease. Option # 2: Memorize the sentence: "I have quarters if you want to use my quarters and you can have my quarters so you don't have to use your own quarters and so if please and lunch... lunch." Recite that sentence loudly the next time you see her. Option # 3: Find out what kind of guy she likes, and then change yourself to become that guy. Does she like skaters? Then buy a skateboard and lean up against the vending machine all cool like. Does she dig jocks? Go to school wearing a football helmet! Is she into artsy, introverted guys? Then get a little notebook and write bad poetry in it! Trust me, nothing establishes a solid foundation of romantic fulfillment more than pretending to be something you're not.

Sincerely,
Telemoonfa