Even More Love Advice

Dear Readers,

Here’s Even More Love Advice!

Dear Telemoonfa,

I’m ready to take my relationship with my girlfriend to the next level of commitment- I’m going to propose! But I don’t know how! I don’t want to do something cliché… How should I pop the question?

Excitedly,
Patrick O’brien

Dear Patrick,

There are literally hundreds of memorable ways to propose marriage. You are only limited by your imagination. Here are two off the top of my head:

1- Stuff the engagement ring inside a heart-shaped sausage. Feed it to your girlfriend. She’ll gag on the ring, and then you’ll do the Heimlich maneuver on her (which, by the way, is a smooth way to get cuddly) and she’ll spit out the ring. Then you’ll run across the room, pick up the ring, show it to her, and say, “Surprise!”

2- Take her on a walk down an alley in a shady part of town. Hire an actor to pretend to be a mugger. The actor/mugger will point a gun at you and your girlfriend and say, “Give me all your money.” You’ll give him a wad of cash. Then, the actor/mugger will say, “Give me more, I know you got more!” Then you’ll pull out the diamond ring and say, “Well, I was hoping to give this to my sweetheart later tonight, but…” and then the actor/mugger will say, “Oh, that’s so sweet” and he’ll start crying, and then you’ll say, “Why are you crying?” and then he’ll say, “I’m sorry man, I just can’t rob a couple who’s about to get married. That would be downright despicable. Do me a favor, since I already ruined the surprise, and I’m so sorry about that, why don’t you ask your lady right now?” Then you’ll get down on one knee, show her the ring, and say, “Will you marry me?” and then she’ll say yes and you’ll hug and kiss, and then the actor/mugger will say, “You know, I’m actually an ordained minister. I can marry you lovebirds right now!” And then you can do the ceremony right then and there! Bada bing bada boom, you’re married!

Good luck!

Sincerely,
Telemoonfa


Dear Telemoonfa,

I’m a vegetarian and my boyfriend Brad makes fun of me for it. I hate the idea of killing animals, but Brad seems to get pleasure out of shooting defenseless little birds and watching them bleed to death. He never shoots birds when I’m around, but I know he does it at least once a week with his hillbilly buddies. I know something small like this shouldn’t bother me, but it really does. I’ve told him that he can still be an omnivore, but I’ve asked him to respect my dietary lifestyle and to stop his hunting habit. In this day and age, no one needs to hunt. It’s cruel. I really like him, but should I break up with him?

Confusedly,
A leaf-eater

Dear Leaf-Eater

No, you shouldn’t break up with Brad. You should marry him. Hunting is cool. And so is eating meat. I’d like to give you a more in-depth response, but right now I’m gnawing on the forehead of a dove. Yum yum!

Sincerely,
Telemoonfa