Love Advice

Dear Readers,

I know a lot of you out there are struggling... struggling with work... struggling with money... struggling with the modern-day hustle and bustle of our hubbub-ish society ... and I know a lot of you are struggling with what should be the most struggle-free thing in the whole world... that four-letter-word we all love to hear... LOVE.

And it makes me sad that some of you are sad... about love... and I don't want to brag, but when it comes to love... true, romantic love... I'm pretty much a rockstar.

So let me help you!

Want to turn your so-so marriage into a marriage that’s so-so dreamy?! Then write me!

Want to make that special someone finally notice you, but don’t know how to break the ice? Then write me!

Want to replace the “f” and “l” in “fling” with an “r,” (meaning that you’ll turn a fling into a relationship involving an engagement ring?) Then write me!

Just send an email to thisisfake@don'treallywritemeanemail.com! I’ll carefully read your emails with the tenderness of a Best Friend Forever at a sleepover, but with the detached objectivity of Adolf Eichmann! Then I’ll publish your email on Telemoonfa Time, along with my response. It’ll be fun!

Look, the emails have already started to flow in!

Dear Telemoonfa,

My hunky guy and I have been seeing each other since like 4ever, like almost 3 months, and I thought everything was dreamy, like he gave me a super-sparkly handbag with a bunny on it and that means he knows bunnies are my special love thing, you know? Well, yesterday he was like, "We need to talk," all serious, and I was like, "I love talking, my honey-bunny” and he's all, "No, this is serious, Amanda." and I knew he really was for really serious because he called me Amanda, not Mandy-Candy, then he said and I quote "that he was ready for a break." Ready for a break?! What does that mean? And now he hasn't even called or texted or Facebooked or twittered or NUTHING! He said he went scuba-diving and his cell phone doesn’t work underwater. Is that true? What's happening to my life?! Help!

Freaking-out-edly,
Mandy-Candy

Dear Mandy-Candy,

Sorry, but your honey bunny doesn’t love you anymore. But stop freaking out! There still might be a way to remove his heart from his chest and keep it sealed tightly in that bunny purse you like so much. The only solution is to keep calling him. Don’t let up. If you haven’t called in a few minutes, call again. If he blocks your phone number, use somebody else’s phone. If he changes his number, track him down. Go to his house at night. Break his windows. He may run, but that’s only because he wants to see how far you’ll go to prove your devotion. If you can’t find him, consider hiring a private detective. Remember, it’s not stalking if you’re really in love. Trust me, many healthy, long-lasting relationships all began when somebody just couldn’t let go.

Sincerely,
Telemoonfa

Dear Telemoonfa,

I’ve always had a hard time with the concept of truly being in love. I’m not sure if I really love my wife, or if I’ve merely gotten comfortable with her. She’s a familiar face, and she’s alright for company, you know what I mean? Well, the other night we were having dinner, and for no reason I looked deep into her eyes, really really deeply, and all of a sudden I got this warm tingly feeling in my head. It started in my brain, and then it went out into my hair and my ears. I touched my ears, and they were so hot I had to let go. And then I looked deeper and deeper into my wife’s eyes, and I stated salivating like crazy! I mean, the drool filled my mouth and started dripping over my bottom lip, so I had to get a napkin out and soak it up, but in a few seconds the napkin was saturated, so I got a dishrag that was hanging from the oven handle and used that, but then that got saturated, too! So then I got a big fluffy bath towel and swaddled my face with it, until the drooling stopped. And the whole time my wife was just staring and staring, with a strange, witchy kind of look I had never seen before. Am I in love?

Drooling for a Diagnosis,
Earl

Dear Earl,

Congratulations! You’re describing the exact physiological reactions associated with the state of being in love! Give your wife an extra kiss tonight and tell her that you finally really know ;)

Sincerely,
Telemoonfa

Well, those emails were great. I'm glad I could help make the world a more loving place. Keep 'em coming lovebugs!

Sincerely,
Telemoonfa