Stop Recycling

Dear Readers,

You should stop recycling. It’s dumb.

Did you know that one time my Dad was at the town dump and he saw a taxpayer funded dump-worker move a big metal bin of glass over and throw it away with the rest of the regular garbage? People had to separate their glass and put it in the special bin, or else they got charged a fee, but then the dump workers just threw it away anyway. My Dad asked the guy why he was mixing the glass with the rest of the trash, and the guy said, “Oh, well, the place that we give the glass to doesn’t need any more glass right now.”

Grrr! How often does that happen? Probably a lot!

I have a sneaking suspicion that recycling creates a bigger carbon footprint than not recycling. Now that people recycle, you need a recycling trashcan as well as your regular trashcan, a recycling dumpster as well as a regular dumpster, and a recycling processing center as well as a regular landfill. And, to enforce recycling programs, you have to establish a Bureau of Recycling with plenty of planners and managers and organizers and quality control specialists (and of course all those folks will need to conduct retreats and do team-building exercises and have therapy and great salaries and pensions and paid vacations). In addition the astronomical staffing requirements to run the Bureau of Recycling, the Bureau requires the latest and greatest technology!

Look, in Great Britain, there are microchips in people’s trashbins!

Look, in Canada, security cameras are everywhere, and government spies are video-taping your garbage habits!

Look, in San Franscico, you get fined a hundred smack-a-roos for not recycling! But if you leave your recyling bin in the street for too long, you get fined another hundred smack-a-roos!

And if we don't fight against recycling right now, it might be too late!

That's why I'm asking you to take a stand. I know it will be hard for some of you, but I need you to join me on this one.

Get out a fresh piece of paper. A brand new white piece of paper. Do you have it in your hands?

OK.

Now rip it up! Tear it into little bitty pieces! Now go throw it in your trash can! Did you do it? Good. Now give yourself a pat on the back, because you just helped America!

I had a conversation about morality on the NAU campus, a guy said, “Hey, I don’t think I’m that bad of a guy. I mean, I’m not going to throw trash on the ground on purpose or anything.”

Isn't it funny that the first example of immorality that came to this college student’s mind was not disposing of trash properly? Why didn’t he say, “Hey, I don’t think I’m that bad of a guy. I mean, I always tell the truth,” or "I'm saving myself for marriage."

Without further ado, I bring you my 8-point trash platform.

Telemoonfa's Trash Platform:

1. Telemoonfa opposes all measures to force residents to use the same trash service.

2. No more guilt-inducing public service announcements about recylcing.

3. No more billboards, commercials, etc., telling us we should recylce.

4. No more bragging about how much post-consumer material went into whatever product you're consuming.

5. No more little stickers on disposable cups that say, "After enjoying this beverage, please be kind to Our Mother. Recylce this cup, or re-fashion it into a wind-chime/bird feeder while listening to Enya. Peace." I hate those stickers!

6. No more recyling. Just manufacture more stuff when you want it. And then throw away the stuff after you've used it or you're tired of it.

7. Don't cut the plastic rings that come on six-packs of soda. That way, little birds and rodents will get stuck in them. Once the animals are trapped, we can kill them and eat them, and turn their feathers and paws into charms. We can sell the charms, and that will revitalize the economy.

8. I guess you can safely dispose of motor oil, grease and car batteries. And maybe burning tires in your backyard isn't such a good idea.

Sincerely,
Telemoonfa