Obama's Proposed Program Poised for Economic Boost

Dear Readers,

Below is a transcript of President Obama’s speech, as delivered at a press conference in Washington D.C. on April 28th, 2010. In it Obama offers a rationale for and a brief outline of his latest proposed social program, Justice Offered Benevolently (JOB).

-begin transcript-

My fellow Americans, as we already know, we face tough economic times. Top economists categorize our time as almost as harsh as the Great Depression. Almost. Thankfully, we have that qualifier. Almost.

Top economists also tell us that if it had not been for the bold and swift Congressional action, in the form of the jobs bill, perhaps we would now be seeing those dark days of Depression. Thankfully, we have not arrived at that juncture. The economy is recovering.

But despite the concerted, carefully calculated efforts of Congress and the executive branch, and despite the efforts of the masses of hard-working American citizens, our national economy is still in trouble. Let me be clear: America is recovering. But our stance remains wobbly. If no further action is taken, our unstable economic footing could collapse. If we do nothing, one fierce financial tectonic shift could send our country flying headfirst down Depression road. In clear terms, inaction on our part will lead to a double-dip recession. Not only is that what the top economists tell us, that’s what common sense tells us. [swats at fly, misses]

A double dip recession is what we must stand up against, together, to secure for our children a prosperous future, and to maintain our prominent role on the world stage. [swats at fly, gets it]

That was pretty good, huh? [laughs]

[abruptly gives evil stare to reporter] That is why today I am introducing new legislation, a new social program, if you will, that would revolutionize the way we think about earning money and helping the national economy blossom. I call this new program Justice Offered Benevolently, or JOB, for short.

[forced chuckle] My staff helped me title it, by the way. Glad to see those creative writing degrees being put to good use.

[back to serious-mode] With JOB, people will work for the money they earn. Once they earn the money, they can save it or spend it however they want. The money they spend, on whatever they want, will naturally create more jobs for people who offer goods and services, in exchange for money.

With JOB, there is no need for government workers to regulate various markets. No company will be favored over another via tax breaks or special laws. No business will be deemed “too big to fail.” Under this program, companies may come and companies may go, but that is OK, because if we save for a rainy day, we will all be more prosperous. The free-market laws of supply and demand will work out the details.

With JOB, there will be no price fixing. We will not pay farmers to plow under their acres of corn while children starve. Instead, 75% of the government workers will fire themselves and get jobs in the private sector. The remaining 25% of us will stay in Washington D.C. and fingerpaint, and, if they so choose, create macaroni noodle necklaces. I plan to paint my necklace black. But the color of these macaroni noodle necklaces is not important. What's important is that we government workers will keep ourselves looking busy while the private sector figures out all the details. With JOB, employers and employees, working independently of the government, will arrange the details of working hours, working conditions, pay, and other matters. [bows to king of small Middle Eastern country, who happens to pass by]

The best part about this new social program is that it will require virt- virt- virsh- [garbled speech] Gee whiz, I'm talking like I'm in the special olympics. I think I'm all wee-weed up.

As I was saying, JOB will require virtually no oversight on the government’s part. And it will be implemented right now in all 57 states.

Thank you, and God Bless America.

-end transcript-

Sincerely,
Telemoonfa