Fun with 5 paragraph essays, part two

Dear Readers,

The 5 paragraph essay tradition is alive and well in the American Educational establishment. I see the cookie-cutter formulaic writing all the time.

I might be breaking some laws here, (so what! I live dangerously!) but I'm going to post this brilliant 5 paragraph essay satire written by Ed White, without giving him any royalties:

Edward M. White
English Department
University of Arizona
Tucson, AZ 85721

My Five-Paragraph-Theme Theme

Since the beginning of time, some college teachers have mocked the five-paragraph theme. But I intend to show that they have been mistaken. There are three reasons why I always write five-paragraph themes. First, it gives me an organizational scheme: an introduction (like this one) setting out three subtopics, three paragraphs for my three subtopics, and a concluding paragraph reminding you what I have said, in case you weren’t paying attention. Second, it focuses my topic, so I don’t just go on and on when I don’t have anything much to say. Three and only three subtopics force me to think in a limited way. And third, it lets me write pretty much the same essay on anything at all. So I do pretty well on essay tests. A lot of teachers actually like the five-paragraph theme as much as I do.

The first reason I always write five-paragraph themes is that it gives me an organizational scheme. It doesn’t matter what the subject is, since there are three parts to everything you can think of. If you can’t think of more than two, you just have to think harder or come up with something that might fit. An example will often work, like the three causes of the Civil War or abortion or reasons why the ridiculous 21 year limit for drinking alcohol should be abolished. A worse problem is when you wind up with more than three subtopics, since sometimes you want to talk about all of them. But you can’t. You have to pick the best three. That keeps you from thinking too much, which is a great time saver, especially on an essay test.

The second reason for the five-paragraph theme is that it makes you focus on a single topic. Some people start writing on the usual topic, like TV commercials, and they wind up all over the place, talking about where TV came from or capitalism or health foods or whatever. But with only five paragraphs and one topic you’re not tempted to get beyond your original idea, like commercials are a good source of information about products. You give your three examples and zap! you’re done. This is another way the five-paragraph theme keeps you from thinking too much.

The last reason to write this way is the most important. Once you have it down, you can use it for practically anything. Does God exist? Well, you can say yes and give three reasons or no and give three different reasons. It doesn’t really matter. You’re sure to get a good grade whatever you pick to put into the formula. And that’s the real reason for education, to get those good grades without thinking too much and using up too much time.

So I’ve given you three reasons why I always write a five-paragraph theme and why I’ll keep doing so in college. It gives me an organizational scheme that looks like an essay, it limits my focus to one topic and three subtopics so I don’t wander about thinking irrelevant thoughts, and it will be useful for whatever writing I do in any subject. I don’t know why some teachers seem to dislike it so much. They must have a different idea about education than I do.

THE END

Isn't that great?

I decided to write my own 5 paragraph essay based off of "Nothing but Nets" by Rick Reilly, an article first published in Sports Illustrated magazine.

Why You Should Buy Nets for Africa: A 5 –paragraph essay by Telemoonfa

A lot of people have given money over the years to charity organizations. Rich people who don’t know what to do with their money get their heart strings pulled and they give money to people who need it or to good causes. One such good cause I would like to talk about is mosquito nets for people in Africa. We should give money for mosquito nets for people in Africa for these three reasons: it helps people in Africa live, it doesn’t cost that much money, and it makes you feel good.

First, we should give money for mosquito nets for people in Africa because it helps people in Africa live. It’s a shame that so many people over there die every day just because there are a bunch of mosquitos with malaria that bite them. Within just a little bit of time being bitten, people die. And just think: only a little bit of money could save them.

Second, we should give money for mosquito nets for people in Africa because it doesn’t cost that much money. I could understand if the nets were a thousand dollars, you wouldn’t want to give all that money to people in Africa. But really, it only costs ten dollars for one of those nets! Ten dollars! That’s about how much you spend on a new CD or on a meal out.

Third, we should give money for mosquito nets for people in Africa because it makes you feel good. When you send ten dollars to Africa to help save a person’s life, it gives you a feeling like you made a difference in the world. Think about someone you love. A friend, or a child. Now imagine them dead! Isnt that messed up? Giving somebody life just makes you feel so good inside. There’s nothing else like it.

In conclusion, we should give money to Africa for mosquito nets because it helps people in Africa live, it doesn’t cost that much money, and it makes you feel good. I hope this essay has convinced you why we should give money to Africa for mosquito nets.

THE END

Sincerely,
Telemoonfa