Poems

Hello my legions of fans,

Here's a bunch of poems I wrote. Some of them I think I wrote on my mission, which was from June 2002 to June 2004 and some of them I wrote while I was at Eastern Arizona College in Thatcher, Arizona, during the fall of 2004 and the spring of 2005. Enjoy!

A Neglected Geometry Textbook Speaks

I have a circle inside of me.
Would you like to find its diameter?
I have a triangle inside of me.
Don’t you want to find its area?
I have a rectangle inside of me.
How does measuring its perimeter sound?

I have cones and cubes and spheres and cylinders and sixteen-sided polygrams spangled across within throughout my hundreds and hundreds and thousands of pages!

Look at me- now I say- touch me- now I say- open me- now I say-
Use me- use me- use me-

Violate me!

A Prince's Soliloquy

Out of the square I can see for miles;
Our fortress is tall and strong.
I can see all the transients camping there,
Men with no place to belong.

Inside my house there is comfort and ease,
Luxuries of every kind.
Outside my house there is sorrow and pain.
Frankly, I mostly don’t mind.


An Informed Gentleman’s Conversation Concerning the True Authorship of Holy Writ With Another Slightly Less Informed Man: Set to a Dance Beat. (Read it Fast)

Who wrote the Bible?
Shakespeare wrote the Bible!
Who wrote the Bible?
Shakespeare wrote the Bible!

Kick it!

Why did Shakespeare write the Bible?
Psalms 46 man Psalms 46!
Why did Shakespeare write the Bible?
Psalms 46 man Psalms 46!

Kick it!

Isn’t that wacktastic?
Yeah man that’s wacktastic! What of it?
Isn’t that wacktastic?
Yeah man that’s wacktastic! What of it?

Kick it!


Expatriation

I trudge for seeming eternity
Up unfamiliar steps
Down concrete hallways
With wrists quivering and
Backbone screaming.
Memories of leisure mock my
Nightmarish migration as the
Deadweight of meager possessions
Tightly strapped to my depleted frame
Incites strangers to
Jeer at my plight.

Man, I can’t believe they’re making me move to a different dorm room.

Licking a 9-volt battery twice

one two three
lick it-

yaaaaaahh!


one two three
lick it-

yaaaaaahh!

My Truthometer is 4 Feet High and Rising

Truthity truth truth
Truthity truth truth
Ooo that sounds good!
Truthity truth truth
Truthity truth truth
Gimmie some more of that truth!

Hey man, I’m going to take your truth from you.
My what?
You heard me. Your truth. I’m going to take it from you.
No way, man. I’m gonna run away from you, and keep my truth!

Truthity truth truth
Truthity truth truth
I just defended the truth!
Truthity truth truth
Truthity truth truth
Rejoice, rejoice, in truth!

Ineffective Beeps and a Perverted Chair

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
The alarm yells at me,
Curled,
Warm, and
Unconscious.

ABSENT ABSENT ABSENT ABSENT ABSENT ABSENT
The instructor yells at my empty chair,
Blue,
Stiff,
Yet yearning to get another feel of my hindquarters.

Walden Pond: Condensed and Hipafied for 2004

Blink it’s my Mother
Blink it’s my Dad
Blink it’s a teacher cuz my kid was bad

Blink it’s a salesman
Blink it’s my job
Blink it’s Ed Larry and Phil, Kevin and Bob

Blink it’s the preacher
Blink it’s the wife
Blink it’s the undercover people who control my life

Smash that’s the hammer
Zzzzz that’s the drill
Sparkle crack pow fizz- now tell us machine- how does that feel?

I’m going to a cabin
I’m going to the woods
Escape now flee from suburbia- set fire to all your goods.

Kimberly Doesn’t Grind Wheat Anymore

You have cuticle pushers, bikini wax, suntan lotion, toenail polish, matching fingernail
polish, and a loofa sponge.

But don’t forget the muffins and the meat, dear,
Don’t forget the muffins and the meat.

Rub Summa Dat Deer Urine On Ya Real Good, Cousin
Or,
Pretend I’m Ed Walton

Bangity bang bang, Gunnity gun-
Go grab your rifle ‘n we’ll have some fun.
We’ll shoot us some squirrel, we’ll shoot us some deer,
We’ll shoot any dern critter that dares to come near.

Vroomity vroom vroom, Truckity truck-
The bed’s big enough fer a eighty-point buck.
I got ma tools set, my camouflage, too,
Shootin’ time, huntin’ time, ruckus time- Hullabaloo!

Jerry the Leprechaun Strikes Again

Blast, you played a nasty trick.
I can’t believe that I am sick.
I should not have eaten your green bread.
I’m sure it’s tampered with my head.
A rash has spread across my arm.
I should not have fallen for your charm.
Jerry, exit, leave my lawn!
Audience, heed: Don’t give your trust to a leprechaun.

The Instructions for Housewives Trilogy


Instructions for Housewives: Plan A

1) Tidy up the house.
2) Wait until others untidy the house.
3) Promptly retidy the untidiness.
4) Repeat steps 2 and 3 in perpetuity.


Instructions for Housewives: Plan B

1) Tidy up the house.
2) Wait until others untidy the house.
3) Yell at others until others retidy the untidiness.
4) Repeat steps 2 and 3 in perpetuity.


Instructions for Housewives: Plan C

1) Tidy up the house.
2) Wait until others untidy the house.
3) Prevent others from locating your dynamite in the cupboard.
4) Use the dynamite.
5) Relocate.
6) Seduce a stupid rich male.
7) Take his money.
8) Repeat steps 5, 6, and 7 in perpetuity.