If I Only Had Porter's Brain

Scene: BEN and PORTER are in a library, doing math homework.

BEN: (trying to do a math problem) Five, three, carry the seven- Oh! I’m terrible at math! Porter, I wish I had your brain!

PORTER: Had my brain? What an intriguing scenario, Ben. But, what would you do if you had my brain?

(BEN and PORTER begin singing the following song, set to the tune of “If I Only Had a Brain,” from the Wizard of Oz.)

BEN: I would wile away the hours
taking numbers to some powers
to see how much value the original numbers would gain.
do do do do do do do
All my cares would be dissolving
as equations I’d be solving
if I only had Porter’s brain.

I would open up a math book,
and then with only one look,
tell you the square mileage of Spain.
do do do do do do do

PORTER: With the homework you would finish
all your grades would not diminish
if you only had my brain.

BEN: Oh I, could tell you why,
the quadratic formula’s called a formula.
I would know which train got to California
if one left at seven,
and the other one exploded (BANG!)

I would not be just a dummy,
poking at my tummy
until I experienced pain.
do do do do do do do

I would answer every question
and be done with this homework session
if I only had Porter’s brain.