Dear Readers,
So many lovelorn and otherwise romantically challenged people have written in recently! And, being a benevolent advice-giver, I cannot withhold my Cupid-like wisdom from the world any longer! Let’s get to it!
Dear Telemoonfa,
Valentine’s Day is coming up and I don’t know what to get my wife. But I think she has too much stuff already. Does she really need another teddy bear, another scented candle, another fruity bottle of lotion, another heart-shaped box of chocolates, another bouquet of flowers, another porcelain doll to collect dust, another thing to put in a cardboard box and then put in the garage? Don’t you think there’s something wrong with women who need to get new stuff in order to feel loved?
Overwhelmed,
Gregory
Dear Gregory,
Hmmm… what do you get the woman who has everything? I also struggle with coming up with new gift ideas every Valentine’s Day, birthday, Christmas, anniversary, Mother’s Day, etc. But my experience has shown to not try anything risky. Ask me about the time I got the Mrs. a bowling ball with her name engraved on it– she had a fit! So, it’s best to stick with a safe gift, like a teddy bear, a scented candle, a fruity bottle of lotion, a heart-shaped box of chocolates, a bouquet of flowers, or a porcelain doll! Hey, I’ve got a great idea- get her all of those things! What your gift lacks in thoughtfulness, it will make up for in quantity! As for your concern about your garage filling up with junk, yes, excessive clutter bothers me too, but I am comforted by the motto, “Better to have a garage full of junk than a heart full of divorce.”
Sincerely,
Telemoonfa
Dear Telemoonfa,
Valentine’s Day is coming up and I’m single. Very single. And I’m depressed. Very depressed. Am I depressed because I’m single, or am I single because I’m depressed?
Very single and depressed,
Natalie
Dear Natalie,
You’re single because your standards aren’t low enough. Find a guy who is unattractive, socially awkward, alcoholic, unemployed, uneducated, in short, find a guy you are repulsed by, and then date him. You might find this guy at a bus stop, or a comic book shop. When you first see the guy, there’s no need to break the ice. Just grab his hand and tell him you like him. Then he will follow you everywhere like a dog. Because, though it may be hard to believe, he’s more desperate for love than you are. Admittedly, this advice won’t solve your depressed problem, it may even exacerbate it, but at least you won’t be single for Valentine’s Day.
Sincerely,
Telemoonfa
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