Monday, December 31, 2012

Return of the Love Advice!

Dear Readers,

Remember how I give love advice?  Well, here's some more!  Remember to write in with your questions!   The love doctor is in!

Dear Telemoonfa,
OK so the other day I saw this guy and he was so hot and I was like “Oh my goodness!  I’m so in love!” So I went up to him and I was like “Hey!” and he was like “Hey,” and I was like, “So what’s up?” and he was like “Nothing.”  And then I didn’t really know what to do next so I said “I like your hair,”  even though his hair needed to be styled but I didn’t know what else to say, you know?  And he said, “Cool.” But then he didn’t say anything else and I didn’t say anything else and he just started skateboarding with his friends.  Well who’s more important, his skateboarder friends, who are probably drug-users, or me?  I’m his future wife!  I’m going to make his hair perfect and make him quit skateboarding and he’s going to love me for it!  How do I find him again?  What’s my next move?  It’s like he’s so dumb he doesn’t even know we’re soul-mates but we just so totally are! Help!

Frustrated,
Skater-hater 17

 

Dear Skater-hater 17,

Obviously this guy is sooooo into you, but sometimes guys need help uncovering their own feelings.  You’ve already tried subtlety and flirtation, now I suggest you move on to brute force.  Once you find him again, discreetly slip a pass-out pill into his soda.  Then dress up like a nurse.  When he faints, his deadbeat skater friends will be like, “Dude, maybe we should take him to a hospital or something man…” and then you’ll come out in your nurse costume and say, “I know what to do!  I will treat him in my private nurse house for curing people.  First I have to take him away in my car.” And then put his passed-out body in your car.  His skater friends will go along with it.  They are deadbeat skateboarders, after all.  If they protest or show signs of suspicion, inject them with your needles.  The needles will be kept in your nurse’s pouch.  And there is poison in the needles.  So then take him back to your bedroom and wait until he wakes up.  When he does, just say, “Say hello to your new wife!”  At this point, there will be so much to talk about that the conversation will grow organically from there.

 Sincerely,
Telemoonfa

 

Dear Telemoonfa,
I’ve been on three dates with this lady.  She’s a farm lady.  I know that because she’s always wearing overalls and talking about pigs.  She raised the biggest fattest pig and got a blue ribbon for it.  She wants me to live on the pig farm with her, but I’d rather live somewhere where it doesn’t stink all the time.  I want to be a metaphysical lawyer.  It sounds crazy, I know, but it’s a field that’s really growing.  Spirits have rights, too.  There are ghosts around us.  I can just feel it in the air.  Anyway, should I pursue this relationship further, or should I get out?  Oh, and there’s another girl I like, and she rides a scooter.  Should I pick her instead?

 Sincerely,

Glockforn, the Spirit Attorney

 

Dear Glockforn,
Look, Glockforn, buddy, before you get tied down into a serious relationship, I think you need to take a little bit more care of yourself.   Look in the mirror.  You’ve got to get it together, man!  Once they get into your mind, it’s all over.  There are dark forces after you, and it’s very probable that these dark forces have possessed the body of the pig lady, and used her to infiltrate your mind.  It’s clear that you have feelings for her.  That means the dark forces have a foothold in you, my friend.  They’re trying to open up a portal, from their world to our world.  It’s all part of their dastardly plot to squelch the cries of the disenfranchised spirits you care so much about.  Have you tried harnessing atmospheric energy beams on half-moon nights and sending out a cosmic love-ray into inner space?  That might help.  Or maybe that’s just what they want you to do.  Glockforn, the Spirit Attorney, I want to think that this pig farmer lady is real, but I suspect she’s a spirit, or some sort of puppet of the dark forces who are after you.   Forget the pig lady.  Do not be fooled by her quaint overalls and her folksy humor.  You need to find someone who is on the same plane of being as you.  In other words, when you’re looking for someone to woo, it makes everything less messy if you make your object of affection a mortal human.   Go with the scooter girl. 

Sincerely,
Telemoonfa

 

Dear Telemoonfa,

My boyfriend just texted me and said, “I want to break up.  This is not a joke.  Consider our relationship ended.  Do not respond.”  What is he trying to say?

Sincerely,
Confused Texter

 

Dear Confused,

Guy’s humor is funny.  When a guy says that something is not a joke, that’s just his sly way of letting you know that it really is a joke.  Why would he deny it being a joke, out of nowhere?   He said that because it truly is a joke, and the reality is, he does not want to break up.  In fact, he wants to marry you.   Respond  to your BF with the following text: “LOL u r a funny 1!  That’s Y we’re sooooo purrfect (purr like a kitty, get it?!) for eachother.  Wanna BBQ at my place 2nite?!  I’m grilling 1 giant hamburger in the shape of a heart so we can eat it 2gether 2 symbolize our everlasting love!”  If he doesn’t respond, do not be discouraged.  Go through with your barbeque plans, and at long last he will arrive, hoisting in his right hand an engagement ring!

 Sincerely,
Telemoonfa

You are my spirit sibling.

Dear Readers,

Maybe you've noticed that this blog has been more religious lately.  Well, that's because I've been more religious lately.  And I've been more religious lately because THIS COUNTRY IS GOING TO HECK!!! 

Obama won, gay marriage pretty much got legalized by a popular vote of the people in three states, marijuana got legalized for recreational purposes in two states, we're on the fast-track to socialized medicine and I'm really really mad!

Well, I was really really mad right after the election.  I was downright depressed for a long time, actually, and freaked out.  But now, almost two months later, my mind is a little more settled.  There's no use being mad for a long time about stuff I can't control, I say to myself.  I can't control national politics.  I can't really control local politics either. 

So, I hate to be Mr. Doomy-Gloomy, but I don't know if America can get back on the right track.  I don't know how we're going to fix the student-loan problem, the health care problem, the U.S. soldiers committing suicide problem, the national debt problem, the runaway entitlement problem, the ballooning federal government problem, and a bunch of other problems.  With Obama and the Democrats at the helm, I don't think these problems will be fixed.  Instead, I think the economic and moral vitality of this nation will wither.  It's very sad.

If Americans re-elected Obama, who will they elect next?  Joe Biden?  Hillary Clinton?  The corpse of Joseph Stalin? 

Obama has a terrible track record on just about every issue.  He's done very unethical things in regards to Fast and Furious and the Benghazi attack.  And remember Solyndra?  And remember the shifty passage of Obamacare?  And remember the recess appointments when congress wasn't really in recess?  And remember when Obama did nothing about the national deficit and the national debt?  And yet... he won. 

I guess Americans want socialism now.  I guess unashamed Christian capitalists like me are in the minority. 

This last election reflects a dark facet of human nature, folks.  It sounds strange, but many people want to be slaves.  This is the message of the Exodus from Egypt, as recorded in the Old Testament.  When the children of Israel were wandering in the desert for forty years, many of them wanted to go back to Egypt and become slaves again.  Why?  Because even though they were slaves in Egypt, they at least had food and water, and they were cared for by their masters.  In the desert, they only had manna, and they had to govern themselves a little more than they were used to. 

If the House of Israel had been a democracy, they probably would have voted to return to Egypt.  But God had his eye on his chosen people.  He called Moses to lead them.  God established a monarchy, basically.  Moses was essentially the King.  But he was a good king.  He was a King led by God.  And so God was their King.  And so the House of Israel eventually got to the Promised Land, conquered their ungodly enemies, and prospered.

But do Americans want God to be their King?  Or would they rather have Obama be their king?  Judging from the last election, it seems that  Americans would rather have the security and predictability of a big government nanny state than face the dangers of the Wild West.

I'm not saying that Mitt Romney is God.  He's not.  And I'm not saying that the Republican party is God's chosen political party.  It's not. 

I do think that God wanted Mitt Romney to win, though, because a Mitt Romney election would have led to laws that are more in line with God's ways.  For example, with Obama as our President, I think gay marriage is more likely to be legalized.  And I think that God is opposed to gay marriage.  For another example, with Obama as our President, I think that abortion will be more prevalent, because his administration seems to be pro-abortion.  Also, Obama has no sympathy for the Catholics who say they will not comply with the HHS regulations that makes them provide free contraception to their employees.  Obama will probably fine or imprison the Catholic leaders who defy his orders.  I think Romney would have done a better job at preserving religious liberty.

I'm not saying that if Romney would have won, Americans would have repented in sackcloth and ashes.  Most likely they would have mocked Romney for four years and continued on in their wicked ways.  

Conservatives laugh at the idea of Joe Biden running and winning in 2016, but I think the media will get behind whoever the Democratic nominee is, and will attack whoever the Republican nominee is.  And I think the country will go along with it, and... well... I suppose if the next few years get really bad, if the economy gets worse, and the Republicans put up a really charismatic nominee, like Marco Rubio, or maybe Chris Christie, maybe we can win. 

But even if the Republicans gain some seats in the midterm election, and win the Presidency in 2016, I'm still pessimistic.  The Supreme Court will be more liberal by then, more of America's sovereignty will be given to the United Nations by then, and Obamacare will be further and further in place, never to be removed.  (Theoretically Obamacare can be repealed, but practically speaking, I don't think it will be.  At that point, it would be like repealing Social Security.) 

And so where does America go?  Look at Greece.  That's where we're headed.  It's ugly.  More poverty.  More suffering.  More and more people fighting over a smaller and smaller pie.

But I don't know what to do about it, except vent on Telemoonfa Time and try to get prepared for the Second Coming of Jesus Christ.  I need to get food storage ready, and water storage ready, and I need to learn some survival skills, and I need to get myself and my loved ones right with God.  And even if Jesus Christ doesn't come back in my life time, it won't hurt to get prepared.  Being prepared will settle my mind.  "If ye are prepared, ye shall not fear." 

Although, it's probably more important to get spiritually prepared than temporally prepared.  So that's why my blog has been more religous lately.

Well, enough ranting.

Oh, but I also want to extend the olive branch to the Democrats I've been arguing with lately.  You are not my enemy.  I think you are all pretty swell people.  It's your ideas that I think are wrong.  You've been misinformed by school teachers and by Hollywood and by the news media.  Maybe you can take advantage of the non-election year that is upon us and study out the principles of conservatism and the principles of liberalism, and look at case-studies of where these political philosophies have been put into place, and ask yourself, which political philosophy better serves humanity?  I think it is conservatism- social, fiscal, and national security conservatism.

Another thing I want to say is that I'm thankful that I have the free speech to voice my views, even though they may not be popular right now.  Thanks for reading.  I hope the best for you. 

And hey, if you need a place to stay for a while, or if you need some food to eat, you can call on Telemoonfa.  I'll help you out.  You are my spirit sibling.  We're all children of the same God.  But bear in mind, if you stay at my house, you will be subject to my preaching.  Ha ha ha.

Sincerely,
Telemoonfa

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Continuity. Insulation. Meditation. Progression. Deification.


Cell phones, spaceships, invisibility cloaks,
axes, picks, buzz-saws, cars, the cotton gin,
materials harvested, organs dissected, 
powers from the brown brown earth harnessed,
decoded, manipulated, metal put to new use,
new use, new use, newer use,
elements discovered, elements cooked. 
Eggs.  Cooked.  Over easy.  Cracking that
shell of a chicken egg, smack, smack, and smack.

Puppets.  Space puppets.  Space puppets, invisible.
Invisible space cookie-puppets that talk,
cookies, made with macadamia nuts, that are humans,
human cookies.  Humans offering themselves up
to be consumed, arranging themselves, 
as the synchronized swimmers do,
cookies to be eaten by other humans.

These things bring me, they bring all of us, close to godhood,
they bring us close to God, who is the Man
who speaks through the telegraph, through the cellular phone,
who speaks in a still small voice on sundry occasions, 
and on other sundry occasions he eats cookies,
while pulling on the strings of the puppets. 

Sunday, December 23, 2012

The Murdocks Get Merry


Dear Readers,

The following is a little play I wrote recently for my sister who teaches a dance class for young girls in Sahuarita, Arizona.  Mostly the play is just a bunch of segues between song and dance numbers.  The words in bold are songs. It was actually performed a few weeks ago in the Sahuarita School District Auditorium.  Enjoy.

House music plays.  Grand curtain opens to reveal the living room of a well to do family, decorated for a Christmas party.  Prudence Murdock enters, powdering her face.  She is followed by Sophie, a maid.

Prudence: Tinsel! Green!  Red!  A poinsettia!  The stockings were hung by the chimney with care!

Sophie: So you like it Mrs. Murdock?  You like how I decorated for tonight’s Christmas party?

Prudence: Don’t rush my judgment, Sophie.  I haven’t properly inspected.  First overall impression… charming.  Upon closely examining this tablecloth, however, I see what can only be described as an imperfection.

Sophie: Oh, no, I wanted so bad to make it pretty.

Prudence: Certainly you did. 

Sophie: I wanted to make it real good, real good for Christmas.

Prudence: I know your heart Sophie, my dutiful maid, and it is pure.  But alas, Sophie, your heart’s purity has proven powerless at producing a symmetrically placed tablecloth.

Sophie: Did I do a bad thing?

Prudence: (measures with tape measure) The distance from the floor to the tablecloth on this side is two feet, two inches.  The distance from the floor to the tablecloth on this side is two feet, two and a half inches.  That’s an entire half-inch of discrepancy!  A walloping half-inch of imperfection!  Out with you!   (Sophie goes to door.  She wants to stay, and earn back Prudence’s approval. )   Out! 

Sophie (at doorway) All I wanted to do was make some people happy with Christmas and with the ribbons and make the little children smile.

Prudence: Out!  (Sophie exits) Charles!  The time is 6:03.  Charles! 6:03!

(Charles enters)

Charles: Yes honey, I know what time it is.

Prudence: And where were you to be at 6?  What was the previously agreed upon minute designated for the pre-party wardrobe inspection?

Charles: I don’t know.

Prudence: You infuriate me.  Here!  You were to be here! 

Charles: I don’t care.

Prudence: Merry Christmas.

Charles: Merry Christmas to you.

(Sarah enters)

Sarah: Merry Christmas to us all!

Prudence: Ah, Sarah.  Sarah my lovely daughter.  Your mere arrival brings a sweetness to a day made bitter by tardy husbands and imperfectly aligned tablecloths.

Sarah: (aside) I wish I had a Mom who talked normally.

Prudence: (she points at Charles’ tie) What is that? 

Charles: My tie.

Prudence: It is not the tie to which I refer, but the brown smear that is defiling the tie!

Charles: Oh, that. It’s hot chocolate.  I was drinking it and… woops.

Sarah: Don’t get too worked up, Mom.  Nothing says Christmas like hot chocolate.

Charles: I like hot chocolate.

Hot chocolate song

Prudence: Oh, what a lovely song that was. 

Sarah: Yes, lovely. Lovely.

Charles: Lovely lovely lovely.

Prudence: All this love almost makes me want to invite Sophie back in for a cup of hot chocolate.

(Sophie enters)

Sophie: Did you say, you want me to come back in?

Prudence:  Sophie!  Were you eavesdropping?  You know how I feel about those who press ears to doors.  

Sophie: Yes ma’am.  Sorry ma’am.

(Sophie exits)

Charles: Prudence, you’re being a bit of a Grinch, don’t you think?

Prudence:  I think you’re the mean one, Mr. Grinch!  (storms off in a huff)

You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch

Sarah: Sometimes I don’t know who’s a bigger Grinch, my Mom or my Dad.

Prudence: 6:15!  The guests will be arriving any minute!!  Any second!  Charles, did you get that invitation hand-delivered to the Senator?

Charles:  Yes, dear, but I doubt he’ll be here. I’m sure the Senator has more pressing parties to attend.

Prudence: You underestimate my renown.  And you underestimate the reputation of my Christmas parties. 

Sarah: Mom, Dad, everyone, the guests are arriving!

(All guests enter.)

Random Guest # 1:  Yo check this, Miss M.  Your parties rock!

Random Guest # 2:  You said it.  Tonight, we’ll be rocking around the Christmas tree!

Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree

Prudence:  These guests are a bit rambunctious.  Sophie, enter!  (Sophie enters with a platter of cookies.) Serve the cookies.

(Guests start eating cookies.)

Sarah: (aside) I wish Mom would get into the Christmas spirit.  Parties are for fun, not impressing people.  Hmmm.  Maybe if I compliment her cookies, she’ll lighten up. (to Mom) Mom, these cookies sure are scrumptious.

(Human cookies enter)

Cookie Song

Charles:  Yes, these cookies are great.  And the guests are great.  Like you, for example, in the sombrero.  You’re a great, grand, wonderful guest- downright delightful- and I don’t even know who you are.  I don’t even know where you’re from. 

Guest: I’m from Mexico.

Charles:  Mexico! I’ve never been.  What’s it like?

Guest:  Well, I could tell you, but I’d rather just show you.  Amigos, vamanos!

Burro Song

Prudence: Charming.  That was charming.  (looks in handheld mirror) Charming like my Christmas hairdo.  Ah!  The tablecloth!  It has become crooked once again!  Something is rotten in the house of Murdock.  (straightens tablecloth with help of tape measure.)

Sarah: (aside) Wow.  Mom totally does not get it.  Mom, what do you think Christmas is all about?

Prudence:  Oh, you know, it’s about presents, parties, candy canes, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Sarah: Well, parties and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer are great, but I feel like Christmas should mean something more.

Where Are You Christmas? 

(Charles is touched by Sarah’s song.  He walks to Sarah.) 

Charles: That was beautiful Sarah, and you’re absolutely right.  Christmas has a deeper meaning.  We celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.

O Holy Night.

Curtain. 

Wise Old Jew Ben Stein wants Christians to Flagrantly Celebrate Christmas: Telemoonfa Concurs, Telemoonfa Copies, and Telemoonfa Pastes

My confession:
I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejewelled trees, Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are, Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu. If people want a nativity scene, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from, that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her 'How could God let something like this happen?' (regarding Hurricane Katrina). Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, 'I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives.And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?'

In light of recent events... terrorist attacks, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave, because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said okay.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell.
Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.

Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.

Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing yet?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit.

If not, then just discard it.... no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what a bad shape the world is in.

My Best Regards, Honestly and respectfully,

Ben Stein

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Matthew 11:28-30

Dear Readers,

In Matthew 11:28-30, Christ says,

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

For a long time I thought this scripture was about the Atonement.  I thought that Christ was saying, "If you are suffering under the weight of sin or trials, give them to me.  Tell me all about it, and the miracle of my Atonement will make you feel better right now."  And I thought that when Christ said that his burden was light, he was kind of lying.  I thought he was just telling us that to make us feel better, even though it really wasn't true, like when somebody says, "Oh don't worry about it, I can deliver these flowers for you.  I'm not busy at all." Or if you call someone late at night and ask for a favor, they sometime tell a white lie and say, "Oh, no, you didn't wake me up."

I mean, how was Christ's yoke light?  He went through all that suffering.  He was persecuted, mocked scourged, defamed, lied about, betrayed, and crucified. 

My former interpretation of Matthew 11:28-30 was good, but now I think that the "yoke" Christ is referring to isn't his own personal difficulties, rather it refers to the Christian life.  Putting on the yoke of Christ is living the life of a Christian.  And living the Christian life is easy.  I don't mean easy in the usual, modern sense, like a 25-piece puzzle is easy.  Sometimes the Christian life is difficult.  Standing up for what's right even when its not popular, enduring persecution, doing missionary work and just getting through the day-to-day toil of honestly earning a living: these things are not easy.  I know from experience.  Not that I'm an expert on living the Christian life.  Although I admire it and aspire to it, many times I am far from it.  I am far, far from having the trials of the early Christians that Paul talks about in Hebrews 11-35-38:

Women received their dead raised to life again: and others were tortured, not accepting deliverance; that they might obtain a better resurrection: And others had trial of cruel mockings and scourgings, yea, moreover of bonds and imprisonment: They were stoned, they were sawn asunder, were tempted, were slain with the sword: they wandered about in sheepskins and goatskins; being destitute, afflicted, tormented; (of whom the world was not worthy:) they wandered in deserts, and in mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth.

Notwithstanding all these outward sufferings, living the Christian life, or in other words, taking the yoke of Christ upon you, is easy.  The yoke of Christ gives you an inward peace.

I could write more about this, but really I'm just stealing the ideas I got from this interesting sermon that I randomly found when I googled, "What is Christ's yoke?" I didn't read the whole thing, but what I read was great.

Lately I've been down about the direction of the nation.  As a society, we're abandoning our Judeo-Christian morals.  But I find solace in the words of Christ. 

I haven't written much on this blog lately just because I've been busy, but I hope to write more often. 

I don't know.  I hope you enjoy this blog.  If not, well, at least I enjoy it.

OK, well, Merry Christmas everyone.

Sincerely,
Telemoonfa  

P.S. 

Q: How does Jesus like his fried eggs?
A: Over Easy.  Remember?  He said his yolk was easy.