Saturday, August 25, 2012

2016 Obama's America Movie Review

Dear Readers,

Today I saw 2016: Obama's America and it was soooooo awesome!  I loved it.  You should go see it.

If you haven't heard, it's a political documentary about Barack Obama's motives and about what he'll do to the country if he gets re-elected.  D'Nesh D'Souza, the director and writer and narrator of the documentary, argues that Obama's actions are motivated by an anti-colonialist worldview.

I think D'Nesh is spot on.  His movie made so much sense.  I know a bit about the anti-colonial worldview because for a year in college I had a roommate who was from Nicaragua who was switching majors from psychology or anthropology to applied indigenous studies.  He told me that one day he wanted to get a doctorate degree, and one day he would write his dissertation on the three corrupt C's: capitalism, Christianity, and Caucasians.

Also, I took a post-colonial literature class from this lady a few years ago, and we read a bit of Edward Said and we read the most racist conqueror stuff Christopher Columbus ever wrote, and we deconstructed Robison Crusoe.  The class was unashamedly anti-Christian and anti-American and anti-capitalist.  The professor is an angry woman.  I hope someday she gives her heart to Jesus and finds a good man to settle down with.  (I assume she's single.)  But it will be hard to do if she keeps hanging around the Northern Arizona University English Department.  I shouldn't get personal, though.  I'm sorry.  Namaste. She was a great lady in a lot of ways, too.  She helped her students become better writers, and she challenged my ideas and she's very smart, and etc. and etc. and etc.

But I can't help evaluating the lives of liberal radicals and evaluating the lives of conservative radicals.  The conservatives always seem to be more psychologically and socially healthy and positive.  They have nice families.  The liberal radicals always seem to be angry and fighting against something.

The movie successfully argues that Obama is not a typical liberal Democrat like Bill Clinton.   He's a radical anti-colonialist.  He wants to make the world more "just" and "fair," as he understands those terms, by enriching third-world nations and fleecing the first-world super-powers.  He wants to tear down America and bring countries like Kenya and Indonesia up.  But mostly, he wants to tear down America.

The best thing that the movie does is tell a story.  Republicans aren't that great at telling stories.  They tend to like graphs and figures.  But is it a story that the Romney campaign should tell?  No.  If they did, they would be called racist, and they would be seen as attacking Obama's family and getting nasty.

But is it a story you should tell?  Yes!  Go tell your liberal friends and your unregistered voter friends to go see 2016 Obama's America!  And go see it yourself!  And vote for Mitt Romney! 


Sunday, August 19, 2012

My August 28 Republican Primary Ballot

Dear Readers,

Here's how I'll be voting and why.  The people I'll be voting for are in bold.  I live in Arizona, in Congressional District 4, Legislative District 16, and I live in an unincorporated part of Pinal County, so I won't be voting for any city council members.  (I oppose all efforts of incorporation, by the way.)

United States Senator:

Cardon, Wil
Flake, Jeff
Hackberth, bryan
Van Steenwyk, Clair

I'm voting for Cardon because he's the tea-party outsider challenging the establishment.  He'll lose, but at least it will be a valiant effort.  I'm pretty sure Arizona will have Jeff Flake as a Senator for the next 36 years.  That's the way things usually go around here.  Luckily, Jeff Flake isn't that bad of a Republican.  He's pretty conservative.  I'm just tired of career politicians, that's all.  I have a lot of other good reasons for wanting Cardon in and Flake out.  Trust me, I have really really good reasons.  Like Flake sponsored a cap-and-trade bill to fight phoney-baloney global warming.  Like Flake is soft on border security.  Like Flake broke his term-limit pledge.  Like Flake enjoys looking in the mirror at his toned abs and blonde highlights a little too much.  I could go on, but at this point, what's the point?  Do I really think that by listing my reasons for opposing Flake I could persuade enough of you to sway the election?

My really really good reasons notwithstanding, polls show that my vote on this race doesn't matter.  Flake is so far ahead, it would take a miracle for Cardon to win.  I know voicing my opinion on Telemoonfa Time isn't very influential, but, hey, I can only do so much, you know?  I can't turn water into wine, and I can't turn Wil into a winner.  For better or for worse, Flake is my Senator, forever and ever.  The Serenity Prayer seems appropriate here.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

United States Representative:

Gould, Ron
Murphy, Rick
Gosar, Paul

I'm picking Ron Gould because all my tea-party pals say I should.  Plus, Gould did this seriously so awesome commercial where he shot Obamacare.  BLAM!  Just looking at a picture of Gould and his haircut tells you who's more conservative.  Plus, who are you gonna trust to be more conservative?  Someone from the Wild West town of Lake Havasu City where everybody has a gun and a big truck, or Flagstaff, the hippie mountain town where they sip chai tea and chortle over the latest issue of the New Yorker magazine?  (FYI, Gould is from Lake Havasu City and Gosar is from Flagstaff.)  Vote Gould!

State Senator District 16:

Fillmore, John
Crandall, Rich

I’m voting for John Fillmore because he’s the true tea-party conservative.  (I feel like I’m getting repetitive. I feel like I’m getting repetitive.)  But seriously, Fillmore has a better rating with the Pachyderm Coalition than Crandall does. (Warning: any claims made on Telemoonfa Time regarding anything have not been verified by independent, impartial parties and may only be “true” in the sense that they exist or have existed in the mind of Telemoonfa.)  John Fillmore has a Master’s degree from the school of hard knocks.  Ha ha ha.  That’s one of the things that he likes to say, and that’s one of the things that endears me to him.  He runs his own small business, he’s a Grandpa, and he’s just so warm and wholesome! 

Crandall, on the other hand… well, he’s this slick-talkin’ mushy moderate RINO (Republican in name only) and he’s a FCINO (fiscal conservative in name only) and he’s a RCINO (Rich Crandall in name only. i.e. the rest of Crandall’s entity, or the non-name portion of his metaphysical life-thrust, is composed of attributes totally unassociated with the name “Rich Crandall.”  The only thing Rich Crandall about Rich Crandall is his name!  How deceptive!  The true essence of the man is very Gregory, or very Charles, I’d say.) 

He’s also an APTDBTSUTVMOTT (a politician that doesn’t bother to show up to vote most of the time.)  And Crandall’s really into being healthy, much like Adolf Hitler was.  I hear he runs some kind of backroom green-based vitamin and minerals operation.  I picture smoke coming out of tubes, mutated lizards behind plexiglass, starry-eyed children chanting nutritional mantras between bites of gray food-bars with green spots, stuff like that. And Crandall really wants to get “healthy” food into public schools, through Chicago style lunch enforcement.  Did you hear that some school in the Windy City said that kids can’t bring their own lunches to school, because their parents don’t know how to pack healthy, balanced meals?  Arrrggghhhh!!!  If you want that kind of thing happening here, go ahead and vote for Crandall.  But if you want freedom, opportunity, and the smell of liberty wafting into your sturdy American nostrils, then vote for the man who will fill your wallet with more cash, and fill your heart with more love: vote for Fillmore!

State Represenatative District 16:

Townsend, Kelly
Coleman, Doug
Davis, Jeff
Novalsky, Judy

By now the perceptive pattern-recognizers among you recognize how I pick who to vote for:  I choose whoever is first on the list.  Ha ha ha, just kidding.  But seriously, isn't it weird that all my favorite candidates so far are at the top of the lists?

I’m voting for Kelly Townsend because she started the Greater Phoenix Tea Party Network, which is an Internet-based political action thing-a-ma-jig that I joined a while back.  I didn't really do much with it, but I got emails from her about protests I could go to, or about how I should write letters to elected representatives, or different things like that.  I read some of the stuff she wrote, and boy is she conservative.  She’s also passionate and productive. 

And, you know what else? I’ll say it, she’s pretty.  That’s a plus.  I like having attractive women in positions of power.  Maybe it’s kind of chauvinistic of me to say this, but I can’t be the only one to notice that conservative female politicians are way more attractive than liberal female politicians.  Compare Sarah Palin with Debbie Wasserman-Schultz. Compare Christinne O’Donnell with Hillary Clinton.  Or even compare Arizona’s recent Governors, Jan Brewer and Janet Napolitano.  It’s clear to me which women radiate more warmth, beauty and va-va-va-voom.  It’s the Republicans.  

 I’m probably not only attracted to Republican women’s looks, but I’m attracted to the gospel that they preach.  When they talk about liberty, small government, and the right to bear arms, that brings peace to my soul.  But when a liberal woman starts talking about the right to abortion or the need to pump more money into some early childhood education program, or universal health care, that stirs up bitter emotions in me, and I just can’t find that woman appealing.  Vote Townsend!

Corporation Commissioner:

Bittersmith, Susan
Burns, Robert "Bob"
Stump, Bob

Um, I like them all.  I think I’ll vote for all three.  Ha ha ha.   There are three spots available, and there are only three candidates so the Republican primary is just a cake walk for Bittersmith, Burns and Stump.  I would complain about the lack of options, but sometimes it’s a relief to not have to think and just fill in all the bubbles.  It’s like when you’re trying to pick out jelly at the grocery store and there’s so many flavors you have to stand there forever and look at them all.  I'm a busy man.  I can't be staring at rows and rows of jelly all the time.  If there was only strawberry, you’d be out of the store a lot faster and you could move on to more important things, you know.  And I like strawberry.

Before you think that I enjoy the limiting of options, remember that there comes a point at which all metaphors, allegories, and parables break down.  The Smurfs are an allegory for a communist utopia.  We can learn much from this allegory, but communists aren’t three apples tall, you know?  And the Smurfs don't murder their fellow-citizens, like the communists do.  There is a danger in stretching an allegory too far.  But there is also a danger is rejecting all allegories. 

Board of Supervisors District 2:

Acton, John
Castillo, Tisha
Chase, Cheryl
Mccord, Michael
Springer, Carol

See this post for why I’m voting for Michael McCord.  I have another thing I want to say, though, to Cheryl Chase.  Where do you get all your money to mail stuff?  I must have received ten mailings from you!  That’s a little overblown, don’t you think?  I mistrust your campaign because it’s so big.  It makes me think that you’re being funded by the RINO Establishment or the United Nations or the Illuminati something.  And campaigning with Paul Babeu does not help you win over social conservatives.  But, I guess if name identification and pomp wins elections, then you’ll win.  But if values, conservative ideas and relevant experience still matter, then Michael McCord will win.  Vote Michael McCord!

Oh, and another thing.  I happened to see Tisha Castillo at the Olive Mill restaurant today.  She was wearing a Tisha Castillo for Supervisor T-shirt.  Isn’t that funny?

There was a guy at the Olive Mill playing a guitar and singing.  It was great.  Live music is good for the soul.  Remember how I oppose San Tan Valley incorporation, but Michael McCord supports incorporation?  Well, I kind of support incorporation, if it means we'll get more artsy stuff going on around here.  Seriously, artsy folks like me don't want to have to drive a half an hour just to see an art museum or a good concert or a good play. 

County Attorney:

Voyles, Lando

In this election, there is only one man for the job of Pinal County Attorney, and that man is Lando.  Only Lando has proven that he has the wherewithal and stick-to-it-tive-ness to qualify for the ballot.  Only Lando had the nigh-prophetic forward thinking skills to see that the position of County Attorney was open, and only Lando took the initiative that nobody else did: he ran.   When everyone else stood motionless in a non-running state, Lando was there, running.  Vote Lando!


Arnson, Derek
Bearup, Tom
Mcclaren, Jack

OK, this one I had to research a little, and I just spent about a half an hour googling.  First of all, I want to thank Paul Babeu for all the great work he’s done as Sheriff.  I understand that a lot of the police officers like him, and that he is running things very efficiently over at the Sheriff’s office.  I’ve been conflicted about whether to vote for him or not.  And, uh, this is going to sound horrible, but maybe it shouldn’t sound that horrible.  I’d rather not vote for him because he’s gay.  There, I said it. 

I think after I found out Babeu was gay, I looked for more reasons not to vote for him.  And I found a few.  I disliked how politically ambitious he was.  He seemed to jump in front of every camera and microphone.  I disliked how he was constantly asking for more money for border security.  I disliked how quick he was to blame everything on illegal immigrants.  But let me be clear.  I absolutely appreciate his service to the country when he was in the military, and his great service to Pinal County.  Babeu put his life on the line, for me.  A scripture comes to mind, a scripture that I hope Babeu and all American cops and soldiers know and believe, “Greater love hath no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”  Thank you, Paul Babeu, for your service.

People aren’t either all good or all evil.  Hitler had an eye for good art.  Martin Luther King Jr. was an adulterer.  People are complicated.  We shouldn’t dismiss a person’s achievements because of his or her faults.  We should somehow simultaneously celebrate their successes and condemn their sins, remembering that only the Lord is the perfect judge.  I think we should rejoice in goodness and truth, wherever it is found, and denounce evil and error, wherever it is found.  I think it was right for Chris Christie to have the flags lowered to half-mast for Whitney Houston. 

So anyway, I want a change, and I think the best man to replace Babeu is Derek Arnson. A conservative friend of mine, State Senator Chuck Gray, endorses Arnson, and that means a lot to me.  Arnson has tons of experience, he’s a good family man, and he’s endorsed by the Casa Grande Pachyderm Coalition, and um… well, the other candidates seem good too, especially Bearup, what with his delightful name and all.  But I’m going with Arnson.  I am a little worried that Babeu will win, just because of his strong name recognition and his rich campaign machine, but well, we'll see what happens.

County Treasurer:

Boyd, Steven

Boy, I sure do like Boyd.

County School Superintendent:

Broussard, Jill
Gonzalez, Anthony

I’m tired.  I don’t know who I’m going to vote for.  I have about two more weeks to figure it out, so I’ll just decide later.  If some tea-party patriot (remember, the buzz-word is tea-party) would do my homework for me, I’d really appreciate it.  But you have to be tea-partier!  Just leave a comment and tell me who to vote for and why.  Thanks.

County Recorder:

Ross, Virginia

Virginia Ross really knows how to record things real good, like records, so she is so good for to be the recorder and it’s great.  4 America!

County Assessor:

Acton, Jeffrey
Wolf, Douglas

After reading this TriValley Central article, I gotta go with Wolf.  He’s got way more experience.  And Acton doesn’t present his ideas clearly.  Look at what Acton said, as quoted in the article:  

“My goals are to lower taxes and bring new businesses to the area and to have lower taxes, which would attract bigger and better businesses to the area and improve [the county’s] infrastructure,” he said.

So, Acton has four, arguably five, arguably three, arguably two goals:
1] lower taxes
2] bring new business
3] have lower taxes (this is different than goal 1.  Goal 1 implies Acton is an independent agent exerting change upon the taxes, causing them to lower.  "to have lower taxes" however, implies that the taxes will be lowered, presumably by other people or by forces of nature.)
4] bigger and better businesses.  (this is different than goal 2, which was to bring new business.  After the new business is brought in, then bigger and better businesses will be brought in, even bigger and even better than the “new business”.  Wow!  Just how much bigger and how much better will these new businesses be, Jeffrey Acton?   
5] improve infrastructure.  It is unclear whether this goal is a separate, and therefore, fifth, goal, or whether it is the direct result of the successful implementation of goal 3.  Since- in Acton's mind at least- the improvement of infrastructure would automatically occur upon the achievement of goal 3, no effort or attention needs to be given to pursuing goal 5.  And if it will automatically occur, why call it a goal at all, since the term "goal" is usually applied to something that is fought for.  Come to think of it, goal 4 could also be considered a byproduct, or a natural outgrowth, of the achievement of goal 3, so there may only be a total of 3 goals.  And since goals 1 and 3 are essentially identical, maybe we should consider Acton's goals to consist of two items and two items only: lower taxes and businesses that are new, bigger, and better.  

Back to the text of the article:

Besides attracting businesses, Acton said he wants to “return control over our taxes” to the residents of Pinal County and to reduce the county’s budget and cut spending.

“[The Pinal County] supervisors spent away the rainy day fund, but now we have no choice to raise taxes,” he said.

So does this mean Acton will raise taxes?  It sounds like it.  He says that we quote, “have to.”  This is in his own words!  And if raising taxes is non-negotiable, that would pretty much destroy goals 1, 3, and 4.  Not to mention goals 2 and 5, if goal 5 can be said to exist at all.  (Remember, goal 4 is irrevocably predicated upon the successful implementation of goal 3.  But remember, goal 3 is also considered to be goal 2.  And goal 2 is nothing more than goal 5, repeated, considering that goal 5 is the natural consequence of reaching goal 1, so we may all comfortably rest our minds upon the equation goal 5 = goal 1.)  But wait, there’s more!

The Board of Supervisors recently lowered the tax rate from $3.99 to $3.79 per $100 of assessed valuation when it approved its 2012-13 fiscal year budget. Acton, however, said he wanted an additional 20-percent decrease.

Hmmm... Acton will lower taxes after all, by 20 %.  That's a lot of percentages! Wow!  What a bold proposal by Acton, especially considering the fact that taxes "have to" be raised.  Acton sure must be a conservative leader to lower taxes when they have to be raised! 

Well, that was all fun, but seriously, Wolf is the serious candidate.  Vote for Wolf.  Seriously.


write in

I'm writing in my own name, Telemoonfa, because I've always wanted to take care of the county's horse stables.  (That's what a constable does, right?)  There's just something so romantic about roaming about the countryside on a royal steed and stopping at brooks to give the horse water and tucking the horses into their stables at night.  Telemoonfa for Constable: the stable choice for consistently awesome horse stables.


Friday, August 10, 2012

They Had Teeth

a play in ten minutes by Telemoonfa

(It’s afternoon in rural Texas, 1934.  JUNIOR, a thirteen-year-old boy, sits in front of a shack, scratching a big circle in the dirt with a rock.  GRANT, a pastor in his forties, enters.  JUNIOR stands.)

GRANT  Hello there.

GRANT  It’s a hot one, ain’t it?

JUNIOR  Sure is.

GRANT  Feels like more than a hundred.  What do you say?  A hundred?  More? Less?

JUNIOR  Uh… I don’t know.

GRANT  Is your Daddy around?

JUNIOR  Yes sir.

GRANT  In the house?

JUNIOR  No, he’s out back, in the garden.  But I wouldn’t go back there if I was you.  He don’t like preachers.

GRANT  How’d you know I was a preacher?

JUNIOR  I seen you at church, preaching.  I been there a few times. 

GRANT  Oh.  I don’t recollect seeing you there.

JUNIOR  I always sit in the back, when I go.  You’re the new preacher. 

GRANT  (shakes JUNIOR’s hand, laughs)  Naw, I ain’t that new.  Pastor Jebediah T. Grant’s the name.  What’s yours?

JUNIOR  Junior.

GRANT  Well Junior, it’s good to meet you, and even though you say your Daddy don’t like preachers, maybe he’ll like me.  I’m a new preacher, remember?  (laughs, almost exits.)

JUNIOR  Wait, um, Pastor? 

JUNIOR  I have a question.  You’re a preacher and all, and, I mean, you know the Bible so good… I was wondering… Oh, never mind. 

GRANT  What is it?

JUNIOR  No, no, you’re busy. Never mind.

GRANT  I’m in no rush.  Ask your question.  Don’t worry, I’ve heard ‘em all before.

JUNIOR  Is doing magic circles wrong?

GRANT  What?

JUNIOR  Is doing magic circles wrong?  Are they against the Bible?

GRANT  Hmm.  Now that’s a question I’ve never heard before.  What’s a magic circle, some kids’ game?

JUNIOR  No, doing a magic circle ain’t a game. They’re supposed to help you make a wish. 

GRANT  Well, the Bible don’t talk about magic circles directly, no. But, in a way, the Bible says something about everything.  You just got to know how to look for it.

JUNIOR  It don’t say nothing about brushing teeth.

GRANT  Excuse me?

JUNIOR  The Bible don’t say nothing about brushing your teeth. Daddy says I have to brush my teeth.  He said it was a commandment straight from God.  I asked him to show it to me in Scripture, but he just gave me a whippin’.  Pastor, did they even have toothbrushes back in the Bible days?

GRANT  Well, Junior, whether the people in the Bible had toothbrushes or toothpaste, or any mouth-cleaning product, isn’t the issue.  The real issue is, they had teeth.  And they also had a commandment to keep their temples clean.  And by “temples,” I mean “bodies.” 

JUNIOR  Does that mean I have to brush my teeth?

GRANT  Open your mouth. (GRANT looks in JUNIOR’s mouth.)  Whew!  Yep, you should brush alright.

JUNIOR  I know I should brush, but I wish Daddy wouldn’t whip me.  I hate it when he whips me.  Look.  (JUNIOR raises his shirt, exposing extreme bruising.)

GRANT  He hit you with a belt?


GRANT  For not brushing your teeth?


GRANT  Hmm.  Well, I got beat when I was a child too, when I did something my Daddy didn’t like. 

JUNIOR  It still hurts. 

GRANT  I’ll bet it does.  Well, you know what they say, “spare the rod, spoil the child.”

JUNIOR  I wish I was a little more spoiled then.

GRANT  Don’t we all. Listen, I want to answer your question about magic circles.  But first I got to know what they are.

JUNIOR  Well, magic circles, they come from, uh… magic circles, let me just show you.  See this over here?  I started it right before you walked up. And it’s got the four little circles, see?  One on the top, one on the bottom, one on this side and one on that side?

GRANT  Uh-huh.

JUNIOR  Those four little circles go on the north, south, east, and west. So, to do a magic circle, first you make a big circle in the dirt.  Actually, first you have to get all the right things. 

GRANT  And what’s this all for?  It helps you wish?

JUNIOR  I think so. 

GRANT  You think so?

JUNIOR  I’ve only done a magic circle twice before.  Both times my wish didn’t come true.  But maybe that’s because I didn’t do the circle right.

GRANT  What’s your wish?

JUNIOR  Nothing.

GRANT  It’s okay, you can tell me.

JUNIOR  No, I didn’t wish for anything.

GRANT  Oh, come on now.  Don’t lie.  You didn’t go through all this trouble just to wish for nothing.

JUNIOR  The wishes are private.  They have to be kept a secret, or else they won’t come true.

GRANT  Listen, here’s an idea for you, Junior.  Instead of doing this circle business, which looks like it might be witchcraft, if you want a wish to come true, why don’t you pray for it?

JUNIOR  I can’t.

GRANT  You can’t pray? 

JUNIOR  No, I can pray.  I do pray.  I pray every night.  But I can’t pray for my wish.

GRANT  Why not?

JUNIOR  Because what I want is something that, well, it doesn’t seem right to pray for it. 

GRANT  If it don’t feel right to pray for it, then it’s probably wrong.  And if it’s wrong to pray for it, it’s wrong to wish for it, whether you’re making a magic circle or throwing a penny down a well.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna head back there to talk to your Daddy.

JUNIOR  Wait.  Please?  I need to know if God says magic circles are okay or not.  Let me finish showing you. 

GRANT  Alright. 

JUNIOR  (holds up items as he talks excitedly)  Okay, so you’ve got to get something from the north, like an animal body part.  You got to get something that belonged to something that’s dead.  And it’s all split up into days.  On the first day, you go north.  See, the first day I got this crow feather, so I’m putting it here, in this little circle on the north.  The second day I walked south, and I found a dead cow.  That’s how I got this cow bone.  It’s a rib.  It was real hard to break it off from the rib cage.  And now I put the rib in the south circle.  Then on the third day I got this.

GRANT What is that, a spider web?

JUNIOR  Yeah, a spider web.  From the east.  And I know the spider was dead because I killed it.  He spun this huge web, about this big, stretching between two trees.  It looked like a firework pattern all spread out, real pretty.  So after I killed the spider, I took its web down and put it in my pocket.  So now I’m gonna put it in the east circle.  Then on the fourth day, which was yesterday, I went walking a long long way into the west. 

GRANT  And you got the head of a snake?

JUNIOR  Yeah.  This snakehead is from a Night Snake.

GRANT  Did you kill that too?

JUNIOR  Sure did.  I saw it from far away, about thirty feet.  I snuck up on the snake, and I picked up a big rock that was laying there, and I didn’t make no noise, and I got right over it, and I went, WHAM!  The rock landed right on its head. That’s how come the head is dented funny and see how one of his eyeballs came out?  So, I cut off the head with my pocketknife.

GRANT  I don’t know if I like the sound of this. 

JUNIOR  Once I have all the things in the right circles, I walk around the circle three times.  One.  Two.  Three.  Then I sprinkle myself with dirt, like this.  And the whole time, I can’t go inside the circle.  But after I sprinkle the dirt on myself, then I can go in the circle.  OK, now that I’m in the circle, I say the magic words.  Ghosts from the North, arrive.  Ghosts from the South, arrive.  Ghosts from the West, arrive.  Ghosts from the –
GRANT  (GRANT yanks JUNIOR from the circle.)  Stop it!  Stop it!  I don’t need to see anymore.  This is the work of the Devil!  Now, look here, Junior.  I need you to promise me something.  I need you to promise God something, right here, right now.  Here.  Swear on this Bible.  Put your left hand on it.  Raise your right hand.  Repeat after me.  I, Junior,

JUNIOR  I, Junior,

GRANT  Do solemnly swear,

JUNIOR  Do solemnly swear,

GRANT  to never do magic circles again.

JUNIOR to never do magic circles again.
GRANT  Remember this day, Junior.  Remember what you promised.  (GRANT exits.  Pause.) 
JUNIOR  (to himself) I’ll never do them again, but I might as well finish this one.  (JUNIOR walks around the circle three times, sprinkles dirt on himself, and re-enters the circle.)  Ghosts from the North, arrive.  Ghosts from the South, arrive.  Ghosts from the West, arrive.  Ghosts from the East, arrive. Power of the Earth, come up. Power of the Sky, come down. Hear me today and grant my wish. Hear me today and grant my wish.  Hear me today and grant my wish.  (long pause.  GRANT screams from offstage.  JUNIOR is terrified.  GRANT enters.)

GRANT  Junior!  What have you done?  He just died.  Your father’s dead!  (GRANT runs offstage)

JUNIOR  I didn’t know it would work.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

My honey bucket!!! :)

Dear Readers,

Look at this picture:

It's a bucket.  But you wanna know what's in the bucket?  OK, I'll show you.

Can you tell what that is?  It's honey!  And not just any honey, but it's Grandpa's Grain PURE, RAW honey!  It's probably the best honey I've ever had.  Mmmm... Just writing about it makes me want more right now!

What does pure, raw honey mean?

Well, "pure" means there's only honey in it and nothing else.  No twigs, no dirt, no bee wings.  And no chemicals or preservatives or stuff like that. (Although I don't know why anyone would add preservatives to honey.  Honey stays good forever.  I heard that some explorers found some honey that ancient Egyptian bees made during the reign of King Tut.  And they ate it.  And it was good!  So that just proves that honey stays good forever.)

And "raw" means it hasn't been cooked. Did you know that 99% of the honey that you buy in the grocery store has been cooked?  If the honey has been sealed in a can or a plastic container, then it's been cooked.   And that's bad for some reason. Well, that's what my wife says, anyway.

And kids love it!  Here's my daughter, enjoying a spoonful.

Yum- yum!

Mmmmmm.  Sweet, sweet honey...

And here's a close-up shot.

I use it in a lot of recipes, like in this whole wheat bread recipe.  And sometimes I eat the honey with crackers.  And sometimes I eat it in its purest form- straight from the spoon!

And Grandpa's Grain pure raw honey is very reasonably priced.  I get it from my dealer for 38 bucks a gallon.

My only wish is that the honey came in a bear-shaped plastic bottle. I love those. 

Oh, and it's a little less convenient to have a gallon bucket of honey than it is to have a little squeeze bottle of honey. You can't really take the bucket on a hike, you know?  Oh, and it's a little harder to spread than "regular" honey.  But the pros vastly, vastly outweigh the cons.  The best thing about it is the flavor.  I'm never going back to the old kind of honey.

Probably my favorite thing to do with it is make a peanut butter, honey and banana sandwich.  I'd tell you the recipe for that dish, but you can probably figure it out just from the title.

See ya!


P.S. Vote for Mitt Romney!

Saturday, August 4, 2012



January February March April May June July August
eighth month of the year
August August August August

August has thirty-one days.
It starts at the first day, designated by the symbol 1
and ends on the thirty-first day, designated by the symbol 31.
The second day, 2, follows the first day, 1.
The third day, 3, follows the second day, 2.
This pattern of days with an incrementally increasing numerical value
following days with an incrementally increasing numerical value
continues until we all arrive at the thirty-first, the final day of the month.
Progress is being made.
Surely thirty-one is greater than one.

August has contained within itself three full weeks.
"Full" meaning that it contains seven days:
one two three four five six seven
and then two other weeks,
the Alpha, the Omega, the dawn, the dusk,
the invocation, the benediction,
one two three four days in the first week,
one two three four five six days in the last week,
both weeks being somewhat less than full
as previously defined.
Yet the first week of August
and the last week of August
are full in a diffferent yet equally valid definition.
They are full in the sphere in which they were created.
These weeks are stones that sleep by creeks.

The first week of August 
and the last week of August 
kick not against the pricks of the Calendar,
the Calendar on which their powers are represented.
These weeks submit themselves to the Calendar, 
they submit to the Fullness,
and the days, the hours, the minutes, and the seconds
within the first week of August 
and the last week of August
all submit themselves to that
higher, fuller category in which they are placed.

And why do they submit?
Because each second, minute, hour, day, and week
have tasted a portion of the Fullness,
ingested its delicious cosmology,
and therefore know from unmediated experience 
that their place is their place indeed,
and they are themselves indeed,
and they and their places submit 
and are submitted to according to the 
wisdom that exists within the Fullness.
We say that the first and last
weeks of August are Full,
for once any measurement of time 
has taken a nanosecond of Fullness
into itself, (and all measurments of time have partaken,
instantaneously, simultaneously, at the dawn of creation,
of the Fullness) is itself Full.

Hear the grand secret, you who have stopped 
this moment with me to feel blindly after August,
who long, as do I, to pierce its representational facade,
to tear down the symbol and let the kernel be revealed:
Thus saith the Fullness:
"Offer burnt offerings to the symbols
that have guided you thus far.
For an offering, you shall offer 
your mind's only begotten son, Error."

Each week is a loaf of bread.
August is also a loaf of bread.


August never has a leap day,
it never has a holiday,
nope, it never has a holiday
it never has a holiday for sure
never never never never,
unless you count Purple Heart Day.

But a holiday is only a holiday
If the eyes of a child sparkle
upon hearing the name of the holiday.
Purple Heart Day, honesty brings me to say,
elicits no sparkling adolescent eyes,
no shrieks of joy, no giggly wiggly butterflies
fluttering about in the little stomachs of little people.

I mean no offense to those with Purple Hearts.
(and no offense to midgets, by the way)
Their hearts are pure; their hearts are purple.
Purer and purpler than my heart;
Purer and purpler than the hearts
of those who fritter away the days
reading preposterous poems about August.

And I mean no offense to the day designated
to honor the peculiar color of some people's
blood-pumping, ever-thumping, fist-sized organs.
Howsoever and nevertheless and notwithstanding
Purple Heart Day is better known as Tuesday, August seventh.

What's a calendar anyway
but a social construct?
What is a quote social construct unquote,
but yet another social construct?

Excuse me while I resort to my pre-lingual paradise.

ggrrrtttttthhhhhhhh  husshhhas