Remember how I give love advice? Well, here's some more! Remember to write in with your questions! The love doctor is in!
Dear Telemoonfa,OK so the other day I saw this guy and he was so hot and I was like “Oh my goodness! I’m so in love!” So I went up to him and I was like “Hey!” and he was like “Hey,” and I was like, “So what’s up?” and he was like “Nothing.” And then I didn’t really know what to do next so I said “I like your hair,” even though his hair needed to be styled but I didn’t know what else to say, you know? And he said, “Cool.” But then he didn’t say anything else and I didn’t say anything else and he just started skateboarding with his friends. Well who’s more important, his skateboarder friends, who are probably drug-users, or me? I’m his future wife! I’m going to make his hair perfect and make him quit skateboarding and he’s going to love me for it! How do I find him again? What’s my next move? It’s like he’s so dumb he doesn’t even know we’re soul-mates but we just so totally are! Help!
Dear Skater-hater 17,
Obviously this guy is sooooo into you, but sometimes guys need help uncovering their own feelings. You’ve already tried subtlety and flirtation, now I suggest you move on to brute force. Once you find him again, discreetly slip a pass-out pill into his soda. Then dress up like a nurse. When he faints, his deadbeat skater friends will be like, “Dude, maybe we should take him to a hospital or something man…” and then you’ll come out in your nurse costume and say, “I know what to do! I will treat him in my private nurse house for curing people. First I have to take him away in my car.” And then put his passed-out body in your car. His skater friends will go along with it. They are deadbeat skateboarders, after all. If they protest or show signs of suspicion, inject them with your needles. The needles will be kept in your nurse’s pouch. And there is poison in the needles. So then take him back to your bedroom and wait until he wakes up. When he does, just say, “Say hello to your new wife!” At this point, there will be so much to talk about that the conversation will grow organically from there.
Dear Telemoonfa,I’ve been on three dates with this lady. She’s a farm lady. I know that because she’s always wearing overalls and talking about pigs. She raised the biggest fattest pig and got a blue ribbon for it. She wants me to live on the pig farm with her, but I’d rather live somewhere where it doesn’t stink all the time. I want to be a metaphysical lawyer. It sounds crazy, I know, but it’s a field that’s really growing. Spirits have rights, too. There are ghosts around us. I can just feel it in the air. Anyway, should I pursue this relationship further, or should I get out? Oh, and there’s another girl I like, and she rides a scooter. Should I pick her instead?
Glockforn, the Spirit Attorney
Dear Glockforn,Look, Glockforn, buddy, before you get tied down into a serious relationship, I think you need to take a little bit more care of yourself. Look in the mirror. You’ve got to get it together, man! Once they get into your mind, it’s all over. There are dark forces after you, and it’s very probable that these dark forces have possessed the body of the pig lady, and used her to infiltrate your mind. It’s clear that you have feelings for her. That means the dark forces have a foothold in you, my friend. They’re trying to open up a portal, from their world to our world. It’s all part of their dastardly plot to squelch the cries of the disenfranchised spirits you care so much about. Have you tried harnessing atmospheric energy beams on half-moon nights and sending out a cosmic love-ray into inner space? That might help. Or maybe that’s just what they want you to do. Glockforn, the Spirit Attorney, I want to think that this pig farmer lady is real, but I suspect she’s a spirit, or some sort of puppet of the dark forces who are after you. Forget the pig lady. Do not be fooled by her quaint overalls and her folksy humor. You need to find someone who is on the same plane of being as you. In other words, when you’re looking for someone to woo, it makes everything less messy if you make your object of affection a mortal human. Go with the scooter girl.
My boyfriend just texted me and said, “I want to break up. This is not a joke. Consider our relationship ended. Do not respond.” What is he trying to say?
Guy’s humor is funny. When a guy says that something is not a joke, that’s just his sly way of letting you know that it really is a joke. Why would he deny it being a joke, out of nowhere? He said that because it truly is a joke, and the reality is, he does not want to break up. In fact, he wants to marry you. Respond to your BF with the following text: “LOL u r a funny 1! That’s Y we’re sooooo purrfect (purr like a kitty, get it?!) for eachother. Wanna BBQ at my place 2nite?! I’m grilling 1 giant hamburger in the shape of a heart so we can eat it 2gether 2 symbolize our everlasting love!” If he doesn’t respond, do not be discouraged. Go through with your barbeque plans, and at long last he will arrive, hoisting in his right hand an engagement ring!