Friday, December 23, 2011

The Occupier's Interior (and Sometimes Exterior) Monologue

I behold the grass... grass... grass... I slobber.
The chipmunks in this park are just like me and you,
when you get right down to the essence of things,
like the pure essence of the universe,
stardust, hydrogen, our souls, you know?
Chipmunks know what's really going on. They see it.

Follow the money trail all the way to Wall Street
the money trail lined with human skulls, it goes
to the buisnessmen, to the modern-day colonizers,
they're slaughtering the lower-classes
just like they slaughtered Tonto, Sitting Bull, Geronimo,
the California Condor, the coal miners of every nation.

Look at the chipmunks
and you'll see what I'm saying.
You can't escape from the Economy of Actuality.
It's everywhere, man, but they keep it all hidden.
Everything is coming together, man, all the elements,
we're gonna show everyone that the people are
waking up to the new reality, but in actuality
the new reality is just the old reality
but this time it's got knives, and fangs.
You know how reality is just like, reality, you know?
But they can't see the reality because of The Man, man.
They got their hate boots strapped on tight
and their heel is coming for you man
they got your number and they got my number
we're nothing but numbers to these number-men.

Sniff. This grass has a particular life, a calming effect
that grows through the beat of the bongo drums.
I'm passive now... but now I'm agressive!
Give me that sandwhich! Punch!
I go belly down on this warm warm ground
and look at the ground. Hello ground.
Ha ha ha you are a funny ground. My friend.
Do you know where I can get some juice? Organic?
Such wonder! Munching, munching.

My name is Marginalia no longer!
My name is now Centralia, the Pure,
Equality Ambassador to the Land of Inequality!
Oh the fruit I have plucked!

Dogs like to be dogs

I can tell by the way they bark.
And ants like being ants.
I've never heard them say that,
but inductive reasoning tells us it is so.
If they hated themselves so much,
they'd find the pesticide in the shed, wouldn't they?
Or if stuffing foodstuff into the Queen's fat mandibles
for all their blasted ant mortality wasn't their cup of tea,
they'd find a dandelion to sit under,
meditate, and eventually become a butterfly.
Thus we can conclude that all those workers
down at Fatty's All-You-Can-Eat Buffet
won't emerge from their workaday cocoons any time soon.
They aren't in cocoons; they are humans,
and humans have no cocoons from which to emerge.
Let's all go to Fatty's. My treat.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Christmas Card Letter 2011

Dear Family and Friends,

Merry Christmas! It’s hard to believe that it’s already time to send out Christmas cards. This year has really flown by. We hope you’re all doing well.

Not a ton has happened to the Bird family this year. Our lives have actually stabilized quite a bit. We haven’t moved, or had another baby, or changed jobs, or anything major like that. We’ve gotten pretty comfortable with our situation. I’m starting to really feel like a grown up.

I, Ben, work for Severtson Corporation, a company that makes the best movie screens in the world. I really like my job, which happens to be a private-sector non-union small business job in the manufacturing industry. I feel patriotic just clocking in every weekday morning. It would be inappropriate to delve into politics here (vote for Mitt Romney!) so I’ll just refer you to my blog, Telemoonfa Time, found on the Internet at This year I’ve dabbled into a few hobbies like planting trees, oil painting, and avoiding housework.

The back yard looks a lot different than it did a year ago. Erin and I took out all the gravel back there, shovel full by shovel full, and we got rid of the ugly bushes that came with the house. We wanted to work with a blank canvas. Unfortunately, due to several factors -exhaustion from the gravel removal process, apathy, insufficient funds- the back yard still looks like a blank canvas- a blank, brown, and dirty canvas. But before our willpower ran dry, we managed to plant three citrus trees: orange, grapefruit, and lemon. They’re hanging on for dear life.

Erin has enjoyed being a homemaker this year. She keeps herself busy around the house and around the neighborhood. She makes kefir, she cans, she makes raspberry jam, she jogs, she does yoga, she takes care of Trudy, she leads the church choir, and she’s also been babysitting a lot lately. But wait, there’s more! She quilts! She kayaks! She yodels! OK, I’m exaggerating, but not very much. Erin is a wonderful woman with a can-do attitude and a will-do work ethic.

Trudy is 2 years old now, and she’s such a sweet little girl. She’s gotten a few inches taller, learned a few hundred new words, and is exclusively talking in complete sentences. For example, the other day when we strapped her in her car seat, she said, “Why did you do that to me?” It’s so rewarding to be a parent, and to watch her learn how to walk and talk and interact with people. Trudy sure can be melodramatic, though. Within a matter of minutes, she can go from the depths of anguish when she has to leave the park to the heights of ecstasy when she gets an artichoke. Really, I’m not just trying to impress you by telling you that Trudy loves artichokes. She really does love artichokes. But if you are impressed with Trudy’s appetite for healthy vegetables, so be it.

Well, I’d like to put something religious in this Christmas letter, for reasons that should be obvious, so I’ll quote from the Bible. “And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.”

Sincerely, Telemoonfa

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Christine O'donnell Endorses Mitt Romney!

Dear Readers,

News flash! I officially endorse Mitt Romney!

And you wanna know who else endorses Romney? A whole ton of important people!

Earlier this election cycle, I thought maybe Michele Bachmann or Herman Cain would be the best conservative candidate, but then Michele starting looking unelectable because she said crazy things, and Herman Cain had all those sexual harassment allegations (and let’s remember that he’s innocent until proven guilty). But now that election day is getting closer and closer, I’ve become more sure and more sure that Mitt Romney is the Republicans’ best bet.

I’ve talked about this before, but there are still so many “tea-party” conservatives that don’t like Mitt, they call him a RINO or an elitist or a pawn of "the establishment," whatever that means. They say he’s just like Obama, in his secret heart. I don’t understand what they’re talking about. I think they don’t like Romney because they don’t like his image: robotic, salesman-like, gentlemanly, politically cautious, clean-cut.

But then of course there are the real problems that conservatives have with Mitt, like his change in positions on issues like abortion and gay marriage, and of course there's Romney's biggest impediment to winning over conservatives: his health care system in Massachusetts. And then there are some evangelical Christians who just don't want to vote for a Mormon. I don't discount these issues, but I wish that all the Romney-bashers would take a chill pill, look at the issues calmly, and come to the conclusion that Mitt Romney is the best we've got.

Anywho… when I sat down to write this what I really wanted to talk about was endorsements… so let me start talking about that. (Wow, what a smooth transition that was!)

Check out all of Mitt Romney’s fantastic endorsements!!!

Governor Chris Christie. This guy’s doing great in New Jersey. He’s fighting public-sector unions, un-boondoggling boondoggles, and generally acting like a grown-up in a state run by teenagers.

Representative Thad McCotter. This guy is brilliant. He marches to the beat of his own drum. I’ve watched a lot of his speeches, and I’ve looked at where’s Mcotter’s been on the issues, and he’s just great. He was right about supporting Mubarak in Egypt, he was right about the stimulus and Obamacare, and he’s right about Mitt Romney being the best Republican presidential candidate out there.

Soon-to-be Senator Jeff Flake. He’s a career politician, for sure, but he’s ultra fiscally conservative. He always votes no on extending unemployment benefits, welfare, food stamps, etc. Ron Paul people like him. But Ron Paul people probably like him less now that he has endorsed Romney.

America’s Toughest Sheriff, Joe Arpaio. Okay, um, Sheriff Joe didn’t actually endorse Romney this year, but he did endorse him in 2008. This time around, Sheriff Joe got senile and endorsed Rick Perry, who has no chance of winning. This recent endorsement is especially odd because Arpaio’s claim to fame is his enforcement of illegal immigration laws, but Mitt Romney’s tougher on illegal immigration. Remember, Perry thinks that if you refuse to give in-state tuition deals to illegal immigrant college students, you don't have a heart! By the way, I think Sheriff Joe’s endorsement of Perry is emotionally based. They’re both not academically inclined, you know what I mean? They both like to act really tough, and tough guys like other tough guys. So, when Sheriff Joe says he endorses Perry, what he really means is he's endorsing Romney. Yes, I know what's in Joe's heart better than Joe does. Ha ha ha! I sure am getting presumptuous and crotchety in my late twenties. But you know what I'm saying, right?

Michael Medved, Hugh Hewitt, Michael Savage, Ann Coulter, Charles Krauthammer- these gentlemen and a lady are professional pundits, so they usually don’t officially endorse candidates, but I’ve kept up with these people enough to know that they would vote for Mitt Romney. And these folks are really really conservative!

And to save my favorite for last…

Christinne O’donnell! Remember her? For all you tea-partiers out there, Christine O’donnell is the ultimate tea-partier!!! And she’s endorsing Mitt Romney!!! Now I ask you, why would a clearly anti-establishment woman like her endorse Romney if he's the epitome of "the establishment?" Oh, O'donnell's secretly part of "the establishment," or maybe she used to be a true tea-party Washington outsider but now she's trying to be a doorkeeper in the House of Establish, is that right? See, all this talk about "the establishment" is over simplistic. I mean, wasn't Ronald Reagan part of "the establishment?" And why does "the establishment" have to be pronounced in such negative tones? There is a good thing about stability in government, about the peaceful transition of power from one group of people to another group of people, elected democratically. I actually really dislike it when people use ignorant absolutes, such as, "Oh, we ought to just throw all the bums out. Never vote for any incumbent. As soon as anybody gets to Washington D.C., they drink the Kool-Aid and get all stupid." This endorsement makes me like O'donnell more and more. I might have thought that she would have endorsed Michele Bachmann, because of the female thing, and because then when inevitably Michele lost, Christine could look like a principled outsider with tea-party credibility. But it turns out that the lovely lady Christine is a little more sensible than that. Hooray!

Vote for Mitt Romney!


P.S. By the way, Mitt Romney’s endorsements beat up Newt Gingrich’s endorsements. Seriously, what leaders in the conservative movement endorse Gingrich? Hardly any!

Romney Outs Self as Flip-Flopper!!!

Dear Readers,

Did you see the latest Mitt Romney explosion in Parade magazine?!!!! Mitt Romney dropped the most ultimate bombshell of all ultimate bombshells!!! Will his campaign be able to explain this one away?

When asked how he spent Sundays, Mitt confessed:

“When the whole family’s together, we start with a big breakfast. Ann makes batter for pancakes, and I flip them.”


Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Christmas Cards for your Non-Believing Relatives

Dear Readers,

Are you looking for the perfect non-offensive Christmas Card for friends or family who have gone astray like little lost lambs? Well look no further! Telemoonfa has the perfect Christmas Card for you!

First, here's the preachy version you can mail to the good Christians in your family tree:

Inside the card, I suggest you write, "Remember the best Christmas gift of all: For God so loved the world that he gave his Only Begotten Son, that whosoever believeth on him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

And here's the less offensive design for the rest of them:

Inside the card, I suggest you write something like,

"As the end of the year approaches, let's pause to remember why we send each other holiday cards: to remind ourselves to accept the Positivity all around us and to extol the virtues of Inclusiveness, in all of its beautifully diverse forms. May the non-judgmental spirit of late December fill your home and your heart."

Feel free to print out these cards and mail them to everyone on your Christmas card list!


Sunday, December 4, 2011

Young Liberals on a Mountain

Dear Readers,

A week ago, my wife, my little brother and I hiked to the top of Mount Wrightson, which is in the Santa Rita Mountains, about an hour south of Tucson. It was gorgeous. The sun, the wind, the physical exertion, the ice chunks frozen on the tree limbs... it had been too long since I had been on a hike. A walk in the woods is very mentally restorative. Except I had a headache afterwards, so maybe it wasn’t mentally restorative after all. Ha ha ha.

When we got to Baldy Saddle, about a mile from the peak, we asked a young couple what time it was. We told them we wanted to get down the mountain before sunset. The guy held up his fists to the sky and shifted them one beneath another and told us we had about 3 and a half hours before dark.

I said, “Wow, where did you learn that neat fist trick?”

He said, “I learned it from a survivalist class I took at Northern Arizona University, in Flagstaff.”

I said, “Hey, my wife and I went to NAU.”

So we chatted for a bit, and found out that the lady was studying Environmental Science, and the gentleman was pursuing a Masters degree in Climate Science.

“Uh oh,” I said. “Well, in the interest of full disclosure, I think I should tell you that I am a global warming denier.”

He was taken aback, and said, “Uh… everybody has his or her beliefs. That's OK. I'm a Buddhist, so I forgive you.”

I said, “Even if global warming is true, there's nothing we can do about it." I was about to say that China and India don't care about stopping global warming, farting cows don't care about stopping global warming, and water vapor doesn't care about stopping global warming, so if none of those other things cut back on their carbon emissions, will it really help "save the planet" if I start taking cloth bags to the grocery store? But I held my tongue. I wanted to answer Obama's call for civility in public discourse.

He said, "No, we'll get there. One person can make a difference. I think everything’s going to be alright, if we all work together and get on the same page.”

“You guys are Buddhist?” I asked, changing the subject to something less controversial.

“We try to follow the ways of the Buddha. Yeah.”

I said, "Well I think reincarnation ain't nothin' but a bunch of hooey."

Ha ha ha! Just kidding. What I really said was, “We're Mormon," and then I changed the subject back to global warming, and tried to agree to disagree, you know what I mean? I said, "Well, I guess you don't have to go into global warming research with your Climate Science degree. Maybe there’s other things you could do.”

“No, I’m going into global warming.”

Then there was an awkward silence.

"Do you guys want some Triscuits or some marshmallows or something?" I asked.

They declined.

My wife and my brother and I parted ways from the college couple. Once we were out of earshot, my wife said I had been a little rude. My brother said maybe I was just a little rude, but not very rude, and it wasn’t a big deal anyway.

I didn’t mean to be rude. I hope I wasn’t rude. I don’t want to be a rude guy. I can understand how it would be uncomfortable for global warming researchers to be confronted with global warming skeptics.

But I think I was very cordial to the young liberal college couple while still expressing my differing views. I think it’s a big deal that global warming is a hoax. I think more people need to talk about the whole thing skeptically without fear of being politically or socially reprimanded. (Rick Perry, for example, has been unashamed of his global warming skepticism.) The more global warming skeptics stay silent, the more the hoax will consume tax dollars, resources, and human potential.

I mean, this young guy was bright and talented, despite being stereotypically liberal. He could be going into an honorable career as an architect or as an astronaut or who knows what, instead of turning himself into a global warming researcher forever applying for government grants, or a goon from the Environmental Protection Agency. I think it’s ridiculous that so many college students want to “go into global warming” as a career. What kind of a career is that?

Human-caused global warming is a big fat hoax, perpetuated by the folks who profit from it.

We saw the same couple later on, at the peak of Mount Wrightson. They were eating Odwalla bars and hummus. I thought as a way to mend possibly hurt feelings, I would bring up the most non-controversial topic in the world: the weather. I asked, in the friendliest manner I could muster, “So, what's the weather like in Flagstaff these days?”

"Unusually warm,” he replied.

How clever. I knew what he was hinting at.



Dad told us kids to stay away from Tex
if we knew what was good for us.

Tex chopped the tail off a cat
with a machete.
I saw the cat screaming through the street.
Back then the cops never heard of animal cruelty.

The doctor told him if he didn’t quit
drinking he’d be dead real soon,
but that just made Tex drink more.

Sometimes he’d live with a woman
and then she’d leave, crying.
Then he’d bring another one home,
her arm wrapped around his skinny waist, giggling.
Sooner or later she’d leave, screaming,
and the poor kids came,
and the poor kids went,
and sometimes the poor kids went hungry.

I was at the city pool with him once.
He would sprint to the end of the diving board
and jump as far as he could
and make the biggest splash you’ve ever seen.

When Tex moved from his apartment,
he poured concrete mix down the toilet.
When somebody parked too close to his truck,
he bashed in their windows.
He wasn’t mean about it though.

At the funeral, Tex somehow managed to get his ashes
mixed in with the mashed potatoes we all ate.
Pastor Perkins gave us a stern warning:
we’d better pray, because
there’s a little bit of Tex in all of us.


Hypno is the name of a Pokemon,
a big yellow creature that hypnotizes
people and Pokemon with his haunting, majestic eyes,
haunting and majestic, yes,
haunting and majestic, for sure!
But not as haunting as Haunter.
And not as majestic as Majestro.
And not as for surely as Forsurenth.

Oh, I have admiration for the Admiral,
all right, la la la la,
All the angels, all the anglers,
half the Alabama archers, la la la la,
Sound the alarm with a lullaby charm!

Let’s get together and test the weather
The cranes will wear cotton and the crows will wear leather.

Samantha is a rotten child, a nymph, a spider!
Her name isn’t Samantha, she’s an Imperialist Imp,
an industrialist insider from Indiana’s Insipid Slopes.
But she sure professes her prowess; she spits perfectly Panda!
She panders to the pal-pal pandas: “Give a sweet girl a hand,”
she’ll have us understand,
“Plant your land-plants on my land forever.
Planting landly slap-handy plants forever, plant, plant.”
Samantha! A Genetic Chemical Molecular Atomic Panda!
Samantha! A Bio-nuclear Electro-magnetic Panda!
Power-nuzzled by hydros!
Her electrical circuits trans-vaporize all Pandas,
the Panda pounces, Viper-like, pouncer-like,
into the steam-engine wilderness and begins to sniff out
a Teapot with a handle,
a Teapot with a spout.

Whose head will we sever?
Whether it is his or whether it is hers,
whether it’s with Liz or whether it’s with spurs,
with the instruments of the future, that is to say,
through the instrumentality of futuristic instruments
which whole-heartedly inform star-lit investment decisions,
such as bombs lathered in lilac-colored bomb-sauce,
we shall un-instrumentize the future!

Power of the Eagle! Speak deeply into the Ears
of my Trick-Talk-Tick-Tock Talking-Tank! Squak! Squak!
The Tri-Force! I got the Tri-Force!

I'll never play Asteroids vs. Humanoids again
because I’m making a political statement.
Asteroids would never stoop to that level.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

The Meadow

There's a meadow I walk around in,
and sit down in, a meadow in which I
take a stand. Well, that is, I stand up,
but not with conviction. I stand,
knowing that reclining soon will come.

I sleep, awake, fall asleep again, eat,
move a bit, drink, and it's only me.
I keep a lot of pillows around.
Me, going up, going down, going hop hop hop
on the meadow ground and going roll roll roll
on the meadow ground and then I rest
here or there, on the meadow ground,
sometimes here, sometimes there,
but it's all the Meadow.

The flowers are purple and the flowers are sweet,
The flowers are flowers! The flowers are flowers!
See, now here I am in another part of the meadow,
and now here I am in another part of the meadow.

Look! Here come the clouds that give me bedtime hugs!
Bye-bye. You can't live in the Meadow.
Only I can. Bye-bye.
Yummy snacks. I want the yummy snacks.