Monday, February 28, 2011

Telemoonfa’s State of The Union Address

Dear Readers,

I’m tired of listening to the lies coming from the liberal media and the lies coming from the heathen Obama administration. I ought to give my own State of the Union address, don’t you think?

OK, here’s my speech:

(It’s not a fantastic speech. It’s really not very good at all. I’m sorry. But I heard in a public speaking class that you’re not supposed to apologize for a speech before you give it, so I’m sorry for apologizing.)

I love America. I love people. Hooray for love!

My goal is to facilitate as much peace, prosperity and freedom for as many people as possible. I believe the way to achieve that goal is through following conservative principles and through worshiping God.

I'm afraid that America is becoming a welfare state, like Greece. Too many people are becoming dependent on the government, and that's unsustainable. Food stamps, "free" school lunches (and sometimes “free” breakfast and dinner), “free” childcare a.k.a. public school, welfare, unemployment, social security, Medicare, Medicaid, government health insurance, too much TV ... all these things are bad for us. Really really bad for us.

Every year there are more and more government employees, more and more government grant applicants, more and more public sector union members with outrageous benefits and pensions. And then there are the outrageous bailouts of companies deemed "too big to fail", the mismanagement of stimulus dollars, where do the big-government gurus in power think all this money comes from?

Social security is headed for ruin. I would tell anybody under 40 not to count on Social Security being there for you when you retire. Uh… make that 50. My own retirement plan is to save up a bunch of money and assets, or maybe live off of my children when I'm too frail or feeble-minded to work, or maybe learn survival skills that will get my family and me through the oncoming fiscal Apocalypse. Or I might just work until the day I die. Maybe you should make a plan like that too. Learn to rely on yourself. Reclaim the rugged individualism, work ethic, and morality that made this country great.

Government is too big, and it seems to only gets bigger. More power is being shifted from elected representatives to unelected bureaucrats, and the Supreme Court. This power shift is bad.

ObamaCare is a train wreck. Unless it's repealed or dramatically altered, Obamacare will destroy this country. Give it a few decades, and it will destroy this country.

I'm afraid that not enough people realize the threat that big government poses. And even though I'm encouraged by last November's elections, there were two things that really troubled me with the results here in Arizona.

One: Medical marijuana was legalized, (and coincidentally, at the same time, stock in Funyuns roared j/k lol :) (and of course a huge new government program had to be created to implement the dispensation of weed) and

Two: funding for First Things First was continued. Also, last May, with prop 100, Arizonans voted for a one percent sales tax increase. So, generally speaking, the candidates that won all campaigned on conservative principles, but when the people were actually given a chance to vote for raising taxes- they voted to raise them! And then when the people were given a chance to eliminate wasteful spending- they voted to keeping pumping funds down the First Things First hole!


What's happening? Why don't enough people understand the gravity of our situation yet?

Don't vote for Barack Obama again. Don’t vote for Democrats again. Vote for Republicans. But that's not enough. Drastic times call for drastic measures.

Get food stored up. Get water stored up in big barrels and tanks. Consider getting a gun. Consider getting lots of guns. If you're prepared, then if America crumbles at least you can take care of yourself and your loved ones.

Am I crazy? I don’t think I am.

I’ve been pretty bleak tonight, but there is hope on the horizon. If we take evasive maneuvers, we can avoid America becoming poor and weak and devilish. Here are a few of my suggestions:

- Support tea-party conservative candidates.

- Withdraw from the United Nations.

- Cancel kindergarten. Cancel the twelfth grade. On second thought, just abolish the federal Department of Education, and let states and localities decide how to fix the school system. On third thought, encourage real school choice and competition by giving school vouchers to all parents of school-age children in America. On fourth thought, build an impregnable wall between school and state. It worked at the beginning of our nation, and it can work now.

- Sell off government land and use the money to pay off debts.

- Be really nice to Israel.

- Be really mean to Iran, North Korea, Venezuela, Cuba, China, and Russia.

- Be really mean to the Muslim Brotherhood and all her tentacle-like organizations, such as Hamas and the Muslim Student Association.

- Resurrect Senator Joseph McCarthy and have him purge out the jihadists from our government this time instead of the Communists. Um... Actually, he should still root out the Communists, too.

- Pass a balanced budget amendment.

- Abolish the Environmental Protection Agency. Or at least severely cut its funding.

- Add an amendment to the U.S. Constitution that defines Marriage as a covenant between one man and one woman.

- Build a wall on our southern border. Put Sherrif Joe Arpaio in charge of writing and enforcing immigration laws.

- Go to a simple fair tax or a flat tax. Eliminate capital gains taxes.

My fellow Americans, we can turn this ship around if we really want to. If we educate ourselves, if we elect the right people, if we pass the right laws, if we wholeheartedly seek after the right religion, we can take this country back to the way the Founding Fathers envisioned it (minus the dismal status of women and the yucky slavery part and etc.).

If my positions strike you as radical, so be it. Maybe they are radical. But you know what else is radical? America.

That's right. America is radical.

May love and the spirit of Michelle Bachmann forever fill your heart. God bless America.


Sunday, February 27, 2011

When the Muse Doth Strike

I’m usually busy doing laundry
or scraping gunk from counters
which must be thoroughly degunked
and each scrap of fabric duly imbued
with the subtle scent of lilies
by 8:43 p.m. when Edna comes back in
or else she’ll totally freak out.

But lo and hark! For while I scrub scrub scrub,
still doth the Muse press her wordful weight
upon my fearful mind, whispering
similes deep into my hair, whispering
like a whisperer whispering whispery stuff, such as:
“the cuddly sarcophagus peas like an infantile sneeze”
which line, upon amateur explication defies explanation,
refuses validation from the lower poetry classes
quaintly fond of tintinnabulation
but leaves with such the sensation of an anticipation,
that some snooty-eyed professor will pronounce canonization
upon that line, after the Ph.D.
is through staring at a puddle, ponderously,
all alone,
with no one there,
to hold his or her professorial hand.

But pay the Muse-ical whisperings no mind,
my Ever-Cleaning Soul! Think solely on the thought
of Edna, in a clean room, (and hot!)
For the hoary-headed Muse, comparatively, is wimpy
and if thou ever hast hopes that Edna will don that skimpy
red dress- the shoulder pads strutting like strawberry muffins
the licorice-lace lunging betwixt
thy bedroom pals, Trixie and Dixie
and since thou doth much prefer Edna
pressing her weight upon you,
forsake the Muse
pay thy housecleaning dues
and soon thou shalt triumphantly glide
on rivers of sex
in sexy sexual sex-filled canoes!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Poetry Stuff and OK, See You Later

Dear Readers,

I was at the Apache Junction Public Library the other day and I checked out a book called the "The Best American Poetry 2001," Guest Editor Robert Hass, Series Editor David Lehman. I've read about half of the book so far. Some of the poems are really cool, but I thought far too many of them were far too dense. They're nearly impossible to "understand". (I put "understand" in quotation marks because deep poets would probably say that you're not supposed to "understand" a poem, you're supposed to "experience" a poem.)

Here's my favorite line of ultra-dense poetry. It's from Ceriserie by Joshua Clover. This is exactly the way it appears in the poem:

"Gold leaf: Wedding dress of the verb to have, it reminds you of of"

Ha ha ha! What in tarnation does that mean?

I appreciate the opaque poems for what they are, and that's cool if you're into that kind of poetry, but I prefer poems that are more communicative.

So about a third of the way into "The Best American Poetry 2001", I hit a poem that was a breath of clear air: Snow Day by Billy Collins. It's beautiful. Reading the poem calls up beautiful imagery of a city beneath snow, but it also somehow talks about the struggle between civilization and anarchy. I wish you could read that poem, but in the beginning of the book there's a warning, "All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form," so I won't type the whole thing here.

I've read a bit of Billy Collins' poetry before and I really really really like it. Here's a place where you can read some of his poems.

In fact, I think the winner of the "Telemoonfa's Favorite Poet" Prize is a tie between Billy Collins and Edna St. Vincent Millay.

Edna St. Vincent Millay was so good at writing sonnets. Have you ever tried to write a sonnet? It's pretty difficult, but the form is really rewarding. Sonnets have rhymes, and fourteen lines. I wrote about her a little in this post.

I try to write poetry a lot. Most of the time I write a few lines and it doesn't go anywhere so I throw it away. But sometimes I write poems that I enjoy, and sometimes people have told me that they have enjoyed my poems, and I really appreciate that.

Poetry itself is such an enjoyable exercise. Even bad poetry is better than no poetry.

I don't have as much free time to write poems as I would like. I work and sleep and go to church and spend time with my family and eat and do chores. And writing poetry usually takes a while, and I have to be in the right relaxed, contemplative mood, and blah blah blah.

Recently I was wondering why I hide behind sarcasm and absurdity so frequently in my writing. My recent posts giving love advice are perfect examples of the kind of sarcasm and absurdity I'm talking about. Why didn't I write serious love advice?

I know some people - we've all met them - who are so sarcastic so much of the time, that I find myself refraining from interacting with them more than I have to. There is a time for sarcasm, and I appreciate it sometimes, believe me, but I think it's more admirable and important to be serious.

I think I don't write seriously very often because I don't want to become vulnerable. Sarcasm and absurdity is like a wall I put around myself when I write. Maybe some time I'll do a blog post about real love advice. I do think that I have some wisdom to offer, even though I'm still in my twenties.

OK, see you later.


Monday, February 14, 2011

Mitt Romney 2012!

Mitt Romney

Dear Readers,

Did you hear that Mitt Romney won the Conservative Political Action Conference presidential straw poll this last weekend? That means that conservatives want Mitt Romney to be their President! OK, um, he actually got second place, but Ron Paul got first place, and you know he's not going to win, so that really means that Mitt Romney won. Lots of polls are showing that Mitt Romney is the front runner in the upcoming 2012 Republican primary, and polls have also shown that he can beat Obama.

As you know, I have been and continue to be a big Mitt Romney supporter.

I just posted this comment on one of my favorite blogs, Seeing Red AZ:

I for one am a huge Mitt Romney fan and I want him to be the next President. I'm happy with the CPAC straw poll. I can't understand why some conservatives dislike Mitt so much. Mitt Romney has a lifetime of experience in the private sector. He turned around the Olympics. He's played his political cards well and now has a great chance at beating Obama. I read his book "No Apology: The Case for American Greatness" and I think he's got a great attitude on foreign policy. In the 2008 campaign, he stressed the importance of strengthening families and of entitlement reform.

Even though he campaigned a little like a liberal in 1994 against Ted Kennedy, he governed like a conservative as Governor. (I know, I know, except for the health care thing. But listen- the Mass health care plan was done only after Romney balanced the budget, the plan was done on a state level, not a national level, and the plan was not quite what Romney wanted- I think he vetoed part of the bill but his vetoes were overruled or something- I'm not sure... oh, and the health care plan was altered after he left office. I do agree though, that overall RomneyCare was a mistake, but everyone makes mistakes. No candidate is perfect.)

I'll also add that I believe that Mitt has a great moral character. I know what it means to be an active, believing Mormon- you have to be a pretty good guy- honest, faithful, hard-working, and family oriented.

Mitt Romney is the right man for 2012!


Monday, February 7, 2011

Still Even More Love Advice!

Dear Readers,

So many lovelorn and otherwise romantically challenged people have written in recently! And, being a benevolent advice-giver, I cannot withhold my Cupid-like wisdom from the world any longer! Let’s get to it!

Dear Telemoonfa,

Valentine’s Day is coming up and I don’t know what to get my wife. But I think she has too much stuff already. Does she really need another teddy bear, another scented candle, another fruity bottle of lotion, another heart-shaped box of chocolates, another bouquet of flowers, another porcelain doll to collect dust, another thing to put in a cardboard box and then put in the garage? Don’t you think there’s something wrong with women who need to get new stuff in order to feel loved?



Dear Gregory,

Hmmm… what do you get the woman who has everything? I also struggle with coming up with new gift ideas every Valentine’s Day, birthday, Christmas, anniversary, Mother’s Day, etc. But my experience has shown to not try anything risky. Ask me about the time I got the Mrs. a bowling ball with her name engraved on it– she had a fit! So, it’s best to stick with a safe gift, like a teddy bear, a scented candle, a fruity bottle of lotion, a heart-shaped box of chocolates, a bouquet of flowers, or a porcelain doll! Hey, I’ve got a great idea- get her all of those things! What your gift lacks in thoughtfulness, it will make up for in quantity! As for your concern about your garage filling up with junk, yes, excessive clutter bothers me too, but I am comforted by the motto, “Better to have a garage full of junk than a heart full of divorce.”



Dear Telemoonfa,

Valentine’s Day is coming up and I’m single. Very single. And I’m depressed. Very depressed. Am I depressed because I’m single, or am I single because I’m depressed?

Very single and depressed,


Dear Natalie,

You’re single because your standards aren’t low enough. Find a guy who is unattractive, socially awkward, alcoholic, unemployed, uneducated, in short, find a guy you are repulsed by, and then date him. You might find this guy at a bus stop, or a comic book shop. When you first see the guy, there’s no need to break the ice. Just grab his hand and tell him you like him. Then he will follow you everywhere like a dog. Because, though it may be hard to believe, he’s more desperate for love than you are. Admittedly, this advice won’t solve your depressed problem, it may even exacerbate it, but at least you won’t be single for Valentine’s Day.