Friday, December 23, 2011

The Occupier's Interior (and Sometimes Exterior) Monologue

I behold the grass... grass... grass... I slobber.
The chipmunks in this park are just like me and you,
when you get right down to the essence of things,
like the pure essence of the universe,
stardust, hydrogen, our souls, you know?
Chipmunks know what's really going on. They see it.

Follow the money trail all the way to Wall Street
the money trail lined with human skulls, it goes
to the buisnessmen, to the modern-day colonizers,
they're slaughtering the lower-classes
just like they slaughtered Tonto, Sitting Bull, Geronimo,
the California Condor, the coal miners of every nation.

Look at the chipmunks
and you'll see what I'm saying.
You can't escape from the Economy of Actuality.
It's everywhere, man, but they keep it all hidden.
Everything is coming together, man, all the elements,
we're gonna show everyone that the people are
waking up to the new reality, but in actuality
the new reality is just the old reality
but this time it's got knives, and fangs.
You know how reality is just like, reality, you know?
But they can't see the reality because of The Man, man.
They got their hate boots strapped on tight
and their heel is coming for you man
they got your number and they got my number
we're nothing but numbers to these number-men.

Sniff. This grass has a particular life, a calming effect
that grows through the beat of the bongo drums.
I'm passive now... but now I'm agressive!
Give me that sandwhich! Punch!
I go belly down on this warm warm ground
and look at the ground. Hello ground.
Ha ha ha you are a funny ground. My friend.
Do you know where I can get some juice? Organic?
Such wonder! Munching, munching.

My name is Marginalia no longer!
My name is now Centralia, the Pure,
Equality Ambassador to the Land of Inequality!
Oh the fruit I have plucked!

Dogs like to be dogs

I can tell by the way they bark.
And ants like being ants.
I've never heard them say that,
but inductive reasoning tells us it is so.
If they hated themselves so much,
they'd find the pesticide in the shed, wouldn't they?
Or if stuffing foodstuff into the Queen's fat mandibles
for all their blasted ant mortality wasn't their cup of tea,
they'd find a dandelion to sit under,
meditate, and eventually become a butterfly.
Thus we can conclude that all those workers
down at Fatty's All-You-Can-Eat Buffet
won't emerge from their workaday cocoons any time soon.
They aren't in cocoons; they are humans,
and humans have no cocoons from which to emerge.
Let's all go to Fatty's. My treat.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Christmas Card Letter 2011

Dear Family and Friends,

Merry Christmas! It’s hard to believe that it’s already time to send out Christmas cards. This year has really flown by. We hope you’re all doing well.

Not a ton has happened to the Bird family this year. Our lives have actually stabilized quite a bit. We haven’t moved, or had another baby, or changed jobs, or anything major like that. We’ve gotten pretty comfortable with our situation. I’m starting to really feel like a grown up.

I, Ben, work for Severtson Corporation, a company that makes the best movie screens in the world. I really like my job, which happens to be a private-sector non-union small business job in the manufacturing industry. I feel patriotic just clocking in every weekday morning. It would be inappropriate to delve into politics here (vote for Mitt Romney!) so I’ll just refer you to my blog, Telemoonfa Time, found on the Internet at This year I’ve dabbled into a few hobbies like planting trees, oil painting, and avoiding housework.

The back yard looks a lot different than it did a year ago. Erin and I took out all the gravel back there, shovel full by shovel full, and we got rid of the ugly bushes that came with the house. We wanted to work with a blank canvas. Unfortunately, due to several factors -exhaustion from the gravel removal process, apathy, insufficient funds- the back yard still looks like a blank canvas- a blank, brown, and dirty canvas. But before our willpower ran dry, we managed to plant three citrus trees: orange, grapefruit, and lemon. They’re hanging on for dear life.

Erin has enjoyed being a homemaker this year. She keeps herself busy around the house and around the neighborhood. She makes kefir, she cans, she makes raspberry jam, she jogs, she does yoga, she takes care of Trudy, she leads the church choir, and she’s also been babysitting a lot lately. But wait, there’s more! She quilts! She kayaks! She yodels! OK, I’m exaggerating, but not very much. Erin is a wonderful woman with a can-do attitude and a will-do work ethic.

Trudy is 2 years old now, and she’s such a sweet little girl. She’s gotten a few inches taller, learned a few hundred new words, and is exclusively talking in complete sentences. For example, the other day when we strapped her in her car seat, she said, “Why did you do that to me?” It’s so rewarding to be a parent, and to watch her learn how to walk and talk and interact with people. Trudy sure can be melodramatic, though. Within a matter of minutes, she can go from the depths of anguish when she has to leave the park to the heights of ecstasy when she gets an artichoke. Really, I’m not just trying to impress you by telling you that Trudy loves artichokes. She really does love artichokes. But if you are impressed with Trudy’s appetite for healthy vegetables, so be it.

Well, I’d like to put something religious in this Christmas letter, for reasons that should be obvious, so I’ll quote from the Bible. “And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.”

Sincerely, Telemoonfa

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Christine O'donnell Endorses Mitt Romney!

Dear Readers,

News flash! I officially endorse Mitt Romney!

And you wanna know who else endorses Romney? A whole ton of important people!

Earlier this election cycle, I thought maybe Michele Bachmann or Herman Cain would be the best conservative candidate, but then Michele starting looking unelectable because she said crazy things, and Herman Cain had all those sexual harassment allegations (and let’s remember that he’s innocent until proven guilty). But now that election day is getting closer and closer, I’ve become more sure and more sure that Mitt Romney is the Republicans’ best bet.

I’ve talked about this before, but there are still so many “tea-party” conservatives that don’t like Mitt, they call him a RINO or an elitist or a pawn of "the establishment," whatever that means. They say he’s just like Obama, in his secret heart. I don’t understand what they’re talking about. I think they don’t like Romney because they don’t like his image: robotic, salesman-like, gentlemanly, politically cautious, clean-cut.

But then of course there are the real problems that conservatives have with Mitt, like his change in positions on issues like abortion and gay marriage, and of course there's Romney's biggest impediment to winning over conservatives: his health care system in Massachusetts. And then there are some evangelical Christians who just don't want to vote for a Mormon. I don't discount these issues, but I wish that all the Romney-bashers would take a chill pill, look at the issues calmly, and come to the conclusion that Mitt Romney is the best we've got.

Anywho… when I sat down to write this what I really wanted to talk about was endorsements… so let me start talking about that. (Wow, what a smooth transition that was!)

Check out all of Mitt Romney’s fantastic endorsements!!!

Governor Chris Christie. This guy’s doing great in New Jersey. He’s fighting public-sector unions, un-boondoggling boondoggles, and generally acting like a grown-up in a state run by teenagers.

Representative Thad McCotter. This guy is brilliant. He marches to the beat of his own drum. I’ve watched a lot of his speeches, and I’ve looked at where’s Mcotter’s been on the issues, and he’s just great. He was right about supporting Mubarak in Egypt, he was right about the stimulus and Obamacare, and he’s right about Mitt Romney being the best Republican presidential candidate out there.

Soon-to-be Senator Jeff Flake. He’s a career politician, for sure, but he’s ultra fiscally conservative. He always votes no on extending unemployment benefits, welfare, food stamps, etc. Ron Paul people like him. But Ron Paul people probably like him less now that he has endorsed Romney.

America’s Toughest Sheriff, Joe Arpaio. Okay, um, Sheriff Joe didn’t actually endorse Romney this year, but he did endorse him in 2008. This time around, Sheriff Joe got senile and endorsed Rick Perry, who has no chance of winning. This recent endorsement is especially odd because Arpaio’s claim to fame is his enforcement of illegal immigration laws, but Mitt Romney’s tougher on illegal immigration. Remember, Perry thinks that if you refuse to give in-state tuition deals to illegal immigrant college students, you don't have a heart! By the way, I think Sheriff Joe’s endorsement of Perry is emotionally based. They’re both not academically inclined, you know what I mean? They both like to act really tough, and tough guys like other tough guys. So, when Sheriff Joe says he endorses Perry, what he really means is he's endorsing Romney. Yes, I know what's in Joe's heart better than Joe does. Ha ha ha! I sure am getting presumptuous and crotchety in my late twenties. But you know what I'm saying, right?

Michael Medved, Hugh Hewitt, Michael Savage, Ann Coulter, Charles Krauthammer- these gentlemen and a lady are professional pundits, so they usually don’t officially endorse candidates, but I’ve kept up with these people enough to know that they would vote for Mitt Romney. And these folks are really really conservative!

And to save my favorite for last…

Christinne O’donnell! Remember her? For all you tea-partiers out there, Christine O’donnell is the ultimate tea-partier!!! And she’s endorsing Mitt Romney!!! Now I ask you, why would a clearly anti-establishment woman like her endorse Romney if he's the epitome of "the establishment?" Oh, O'donnell's secretly part of "the establishment," or maybe she used to be a true tea-party Washington outsider but now she's trying to be a doorkeeper in the House of Establish, is that right? See, all this talk about "the establishment" is over simplistic. I mean, wasn't Ronald Reagan part of "the establishment?" And why does "the establishment" have to be pronounced in such negative tones? There is a good thing about stability in government, about the peaceful transition of power from one group of people to another group of people, elected democratically. I actually really dislike it when people use ignorant absolutes, such as, "Oh, we ought to just throw all the bums out. Never vote for any incumbent. As soon as anybody gets to Washington D.C., they drink the Kool-Aid and get all stupid." This endorsement makes me like O'donnell more and more. I might have thought that she would have endorsed Michele Bachmann, because of the female thing, and because then when inevitably Michele lost, Christine could look like a principled outsider with tea-party credibility. But it turns out that the lovely lady Christine is a little more sensible than that. Hooray!

Vote for Mitt Romney!


P.S. By the way, Mitt Romney’s endorsements beat up Newt Gingrich’s endorsements. Seriously, what leaders in the conservative movement endorse Gingrich? Hardly any!

Romney Outs Self as Flip-Flopper!!!

Dear Readers,

Did you see the latest Mitt Romney explosion in Parade magazine?!!!! Mitt Romney dropped the most ultimate bombshell of all ultimate bombshells!!! Will his campaign be able to explain this one away?

When asked how he spent Sundays, Mitt confessed:

“When the whole family’s together, we start with a big breakfast. Ann makes batter for pancakes, and I flip them.”


Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Christmas Cards for your Non-Believing Relatives

Dear Readers,

Are you looking for the perfect non-offensive Christmas Card for friends or family who have gone astray like little lost lambs? Well look no further! Telemoonfa has the perfect Christmas Card for you!

First, here's the preachy version you can mail to the good Christians in your family tree:

Inside the card, I suggest you write, "Remember the best Christmas gift of all: For God so loved the world that he gave his Only Begotten Son, that whosoever believeth on him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

And here's the less offensive design for the rest of them:

Inside the card, I suggest you write something like,

"As the end of the year approaches, let's pause to remember why we send each other holiday cards: to remind ourselves to accept the Positivity all around us and to extol the virtues of Inclusiveness, in all of its beautifully diverse forms. May the non-judgmental spirit of late December fill your home and your heart."

Feel free to print out these cards and mail them to everyone on your Christmas card list!


Sunday, December 4, 2011

Young Liberals on a Mountain

Dear Readers,

A week ago, my wife, my little brother and I hiked to the top of Mount Wrightson, which is in the Santa Rita Mountains, about an hour south of Tucson. It was gorgeous. The sun, the wind, the physical exertion, the ice chunks frozen on the tree limbs... it had been too long since I had been on a hike. A walk in the woods is very mentally restorative. Except I had a headache afterwards, so maybe it wasn’t mentally restorative after all. Ha ha ha.

When we got to Baldy Saddle, about a mile from the peak, we asked a young couple what time it was. We told them we wanted to get down the mountain before sunset. The guy held up his fists to the sky and shifted them one beneath another and told us we had about 3 and a half hours before dark.

I said, “Wow, where did you learn that neat fist trick?”

He said, “I learned it from a survivalist class I took at Northern Arizona University, in Flagstaff.”

I said, “Hey, my wife and I went to NAU.”

So we chatted for a bit, and found out that the lady was studying Environmental Science, and the gentleman was pursuing a Masters degree in Climate Science.

“Uh oh,” I said. “Well, in the interest of full disclosure, I think I should tell you that I am a global warming denier.”

He was taken aback, and said, “Uh… everybody has his or her beliefs. That's OK. I'm a Buddhist, so I forgive you.”

I said, “Even if global warming is true, there's nothing we can do about it." I was about to say that China and India don't care about stopping global warming, farting cows don't care about stopping global warming, and water vapor doesn't care about stopping global warming, so if none of those other things cut back on their carbon emissions, will it really help "save the planet" if I start taking cloth bags to the grocery store? But I held my tongue. I wanted to answer Obama's call for civility in public discourse.

He said, "No, we'll get there. One person can make a difference. I think everything’s going to be alright, if we all work together and get on the same page.”

“You guys are Buddhist?” I asked, changing the subject to something less controversial.

“We try to follow the ways of the Buddha. Yeah.”

I said, "Well I think reincarnation ain't nothin' but a bunch of hooey."

Ha ha ha! Just kidding. What I really said was, “We're Mormon," and then I changed the subject back to global warming, and tried to agree to disagree, you know what I mean? I said, "Well, I guess you don't have to go into global warming research with your Climate Science degree. Maybe there’s other things you could do.”

“No, I’m going into global warming.”

Then there was an awkward silence.

"Do you guys want some Triscuits or some marshmallows or something?" I asked.

They declined.

My wife and my brother and I parted ways from the college couple. Once we were out of earshot, my wife said I had been a little rude. My brother said maybe I was just a little rude, but not very rude, and it wasn’t a big deal anyway.

I didn’t mean to be rude. I hope I wasn’t rude. I don’t want to be a rude guy. I can understand how it would be uncomfortable for global warming researchers to be confronted with global warming skeptics.

But I think I was very cordial to the young liberal college couple while still expressing my differing views. I think it’s a big deal that global warming is a hoax. I think more people need to talk about the whole thing skeptically without fear of being politically or socially reprimanded. (Rick Perry, for example, has been unashamed of his global warming skepticism.) The more global warming skeptics stay silent, the more the hoax will consume tax dollars, resources, and human potential.

I mean, this young guy was bright and talented, despite being stereotypically liberal. He could be going into an honorable career as an architect or as an astronaut or who knows what, instead of turning himself into a global warming researcher forever applying for government grants, or a goon from the Environmental Protection Agency. I think it’s ridiculous that so many college students want to “go into global warming” as a career. What kind of a career is that?

Human-caused global warming is a big fat hoax, perpetuated by the folks who profit from it.

We saw the same couple later on, at the peak of Mount Wrightson. They were eating Odwalla bars and hummus. I thought as a way to mend possibly hurt feelings, I would bring up the most non-controversial topic in the world: the weather. I asked, in the friendliest manner I could muster, “So, what's the weather like in Flagstaff these days?”

"Unusually warm,” he replied.

How clever. I knew what he was hinting at.



Dad told us kids to stay away from Tex
if we knew what was good for us.

Tex chopped the tail off a cat
with a machete.
I saw the cat screaming through the street.
Back then the cops never heard of animal cruelty.

The doctor told him if he didn’t quit
drinking he’d be dead real soon,
but that just made Tex drink more.

Sometimes he’d live with a woman
and then she’d leave, crying.
Then he’d bring another one home,
her arm wrapped around his skinny waist, giggling.
Sooner or later she’d leave, screaming,
and the poor kids came,
and the poor kids went,
and sometimes the poor kids went hungry.

I was at the city pool with him once.
He would sprint to the end of the diving board
and jump as far as he could
and make the biggest splash you’ve ever seen.

When Tex moved from his apartment,
he poured concrete mix down the toilet.
When somebody parked too close to his truck,
he bashed in their windows.
He wasn’t mean about it though.

At the funeral, Tex somehow managed to get his ashes
mixed in with the mashed potatoes we all ate.
Pastor Perkins gave us a stern warning:
we’d better pray, because
there’s a little bit of Tex in all of us.


Hypno is the name of a Pokemon,
a big yellow creature that hypnotizes
people and Pokemon with his haunting, majestic eyes,
haunting and majestic, yes,
haunting and majestic, for sure!
But not as haunting as Haunter.
And not as majestic as Majestro.
And not as for surely as Forsurenth.

Oh, I have admiration for the Admiral,
all right, la la la la,
All the angels, all the anglers,
half the Alabama archers, la la la la,
Sound the alarm with a lullaby charm!

Let’s get together and test the weather
The cranes will wear cotton and the crows will wear leather.

Samantha is a rotten child, a nymph, a spider!
Her name isn’t Samantha, she’s an Imperialist Imp,
an industrialist insider from Indiana’s Insipid Slopes.
But she sure professes her prowess; she spits perfectly Panda!
She panders to the pal-pal pandas: “Give a sweet girl a hand,”
she’ll have us understand,
“Plant your land-plants on my land forever.
Planting landly slap-handy plants forever, plant, plant.”
Samantha! A Genetic Chemical Molecular Atomic Panda!
Samantha! A Bio-nuclear Electro-magnetic Panda!
Power-nuzzled by hydros!
Her electrical circuits trans-vaporize all Pandas,
the Panda pounces, Viper-like, pouncer-like,
into the steam-engine wilderness and begins to sniff out
a Teapot with a handle,
a Teapot with a spout.

Whose head will we sever?
Whether it is his or whether it is hers,
whether it’s with Liz or whether it’s with spurs,
with the instruments of the future, that is to say,
through the instrumentality of futuristic instruments
which whole-heartedly inform star-lit investment decisions,
such as bombs lathered in lilac-colored bomb-sauce,
we shall un-instrumentize the future!

Power of the Eagle! Speak deeply into the Ears
of my Trick-Talk-Tick-Tock Talking-Tank! Squak! Squak!
The Tri-Force! I got the Tri-Force!

I'll never play Asteroids vs. Humanoids again
because I’m making a political statement.
Asteroids would never stoop to that level.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

The Meadow

There's a meadow I walk around in,
and sit down in, a meadow in which I
take a stand. Well, that is, I stand up,
but not with conviction. I stand,
knowing that reclining soon will come.

I sleep, awake, fall asleep again, eat,
move a bit, drink, and it's only me.
I keep a lot of pillows around.
Me, going up, going down, going hop hop hop
on the meadow ground and going roll roll roll
on the meadow ground and then I rest
here or there, on the meadow ground,
sometimes here, sometimes there,
but it's all the Meadow.

The flowers are purple and the flowers are sweet,
The flowers are flowers! The flowers are flowers!
See, now here I am in another part of the meadow,
and now here I am in another part of the meadow.

Look! Here come the clouds that give me bedtime hugs!
Bye-bye. You can't live in the Meadow.
Only I can. Bye-bye.
Yummy snacks. I want the yummy snacks.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Mitt Romney is a Conservative

Dear Readers,

I'm tired of tea-party folks and conservative Republicans calling Mitt Romney a RINO or a mushy moderate or a even liberal. He's not! He might appear more liberal to the casual observer because he went to Harvard (but remember he also went to BYU, the bastion of conservatism!) he governed in the Northeast, he lacks a cowboy swagger, and of course because of Romneycare... but he's actually pretty conservative.

A few things that people forget about Romneycare are that Mitt Romney vetoed much of it, and that the liberal Governor and liberal legislature who came after him has made it worse. That's why health care in Massachusetts is becoming higher in cost and lower in quality. I don't think it's Mitt Romney's fault. Another gigantic difference between RomneyCare and ObamaCare is that RomneyCare was started when the budget was balanced and there was in fact a surplus in the state coffers. ObamaCare, on the other hand, was done at a time when the debt and the deficit were out of control.

Look, if you read the chapter in No Apology: The Case for American Greatness on health care, you'll start to see Mitt Romney's side of things in regards to Romneycare. There's a lot of freeloaders in the emergency rooms, and that's driving up costs. And I agree that it would be inhumane to turn away the sick and injured from hospitals, just because they don't have the ability to pay. So, we're already treating medical care as a right in this country. Maybe it isn't such a bad idea to make everybody buy health insurance.

Mitt Romney's electable, OK? He's more electable than Newt Gingrich, according to the polls. And electability is one of the most important qualities the Republican party should look for when nominating someone. Just like Michael Medved writes, Presidents get elected with the support of the people in the middle. Like it or not, Obama has a really good chance of winning. He's the incumbent, and incumbents usually win. I was reading an article on Hot Air, one of my favorite political websites, and I found this comment and I thought I would copy and paste it here:

Again…Show me in Romney’s record here what is liberal, all of you who CLAIM to know so much about Romney!

Romney’s record:
Cut taxes in MA – Check

Closed loopholes and raised fees as Reagan did – Check

Voted pro-life bills as GOV – Check

Voted and eased 2nd Amendment bills in MA – Check
See here: “Massachusetts oldest, largest and premier pro-second amendment/gun rights group, Gun owners` Action League (GOAL) stated:“The bill was the greatest victory for gun owners since the passage of the gun control laws in 1998 (Chapter 180 of the Acts of 1998). It was a reform bill totally supported by GOAL. Press and media stories around the country got it completely wrong when claimed the bill was an extension of the ‘assault weapon’ ban”

Against illegal immigration – Check

Signed bill against Illegal Immigration Recv tuition breaks – Check

Build the complete fence along the border – Check

For Defense of Marriage Act – Check

For Cut, Cap, and Balance – Check

Pro expansion of the military and keeping GITMO open – Check

Drilling in ANWR – Check

Investing in new technologies for oil – Check

Develop energy technology like nuclear or liquefied coal – Check

Conservative Reagan could vote for Romney…Reagan: “I’m not retreating an inch from where I was. But I also recognize this: There are some people who would have you so stand on principle that if you don’t get all that you’ve asked for from the legislature, why, you jump off the cliff with the flag flying. I have always figured that a half a loaf is better than none, and I know that in the democratic process you’re not going to always get everything you want. So, I think what they’ve misread is times in which I have compromised.”

Many of you need to check Reagan’s Governing and POTUS (POTUS means President of the United States) record to Romney’s!

You all spout off and have nothing to back it up with while he was in office he Governed with as a conservative. Did you know that Reagan vetoed his Tip O’Neill Congress 78 times in 8 years.
Romney vetoed his Massachusetts legislature over 800 times in 4 years. Virtually all were overridden–including the entirety of his 8 “Romneycare” vetoes because he governed as a Conservative!

Mitt Romney 2012!


Wednesday, November 23, 2011

I'm thankful for... (plus Mitt Romney 2012!)

Dear Readers,

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

What are you thankful for?

Oh, that's neat! Now it's time to talk about everyone's favorite subject.... MEEEEEEE! and my feelings ; )

I'm thankful for...

Mitt Romney



my job

my family





the four seasons


whirring machines that make my life more comfortable

moments away from whirring machines that make life more meaningful

moments when my mind is more than a mere biological whirring machine, times when my mind is a spiritual being with a life of its own

moving on...

Listen folks, about Presidential politics, we really need to get Obama out. I want to elect the most conservative person around, and I'm not sure who that is. It's so hard to know who's really conservative. But electability matters, too! I think Rick Perry would be a pretty good President, but could you imagine him in a debate with Obama? Obama would crush him. And Perry's too much like Bush, and too many people don't like Bush.

I've watched just about every second of all 11 debates this election season, and the guy I like the most is Mitt Romney. I like Michelle Bachmann, but she doesn't have much executive experience or much private sector experience, and she says embarrassing stuff sometimes, like, "Watch out for the 9-9-9 plan- look what happens if you turn it upside down!" Too many gaffes for one little lady.

I really like Rick Santorum, too. I think he's right on most of the issues. But, he seems whiny, and his campaign is really struggling. Maybe if Newt Gingrich's campaign goes downhill, Santorum will have a chance against Mitt Romney as the next incarnation of the anti-Romney spirit.

Rick Perry... you know if he were just better at debating, he would have a better chance at winning. I don't like his stance on illegal immigration, though. And if there is such a thing as being too much of a cowboy, then Rick Perry... uh... is too much of a cowboy.

Newt Gingrich. Fantastic debater. Problematic personal life. He's on his third marriage. He sat on a couch with Nancy Pelosi and tried to get us all to buy carbon credits to fight global warming. (By the way, global warming is a big fat hoax!) But one could drag up stuff about all the candidates to make them look too liberal. So... Another bad thing about him is that he's been a politician forever, and he got a bunch of money recently from Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac... over a million bucks... he was an adviser or something... wouldn't a principled conservative refuse to take that much money from such a messed-up government organization?

Nevertheless, Newt's pretty cool, but not as cool as Mitt Romney. Also, Newt's tubby. What does that have to do with being President? Well... I'd feel comfortable with Newt as the Commander-in-Chief, but not as the Commander-in-Briefs, you know what I'm saying? Say what you want about Barack Obama, but you gotta admit, the less he wears, the better he looks. Remember when Obama was jogging shirtless in slow motion, David Hasselhoff-esque, on the beaches of Hawaii? Now that's the kind of posturing that really energizes the female vote!

(Oh, my dear Readers, Telemoonfa Time has reached a new low. When I start comparing Gingrich's and Obama's beach bodies, it's time for Rick Perry to declare my house as a No Blogging Zone. If you launch a boycott against me and all my writings, I'll understand. Even I boycott myself sometimes. But enough with the self-depreciating humor. It's not funny anyway and I'm not funny enough and seriously this isn't even funny anymore; it's just sad.)

Herman Cain. Last night he said that we should put tough sanctions on Syrai, such as getting everybody to stop buying oil from them. The only trouble is... Syria doesn't export oil very much. They send out about three thimble-fulls a month. So, Cain demonstrated again that he doesn't have a grasp on much of foreign affairs. And he usually gives one of two answers to every question: Answer 1: "I'm a problem solver. I would get the most knowledgeable people about __________________ (enter issue here) and I would look at the data, and come to a conclusion." Answer 2: "Let me explain how my 9 9 9 plan would fix ___________ (enter issue here)"

John Huntsman... I really like him, too. He did balance the budget of Utah, and the economy there is great, relatively speaking, but I think a lot of that has to do with the culture of the people of Utah, not necessarily the resident of the Governor's mansion. He's more liberal, though, when it comes to global warming, evolution, ending the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, and he rides a motorcycle. Plus, I don't like the way he's a wishy-washy Mormon. He's kind of a watered-down, multicultural Latter Day Saint. I know, I know, maybe I shouldn't be judging his religiousness. That's a very personal matter and I don't want to act like I'm the judge of Huntsman's spiritual character, but... did you hear that Jon Huntsman is going to celebrate Diwali in a traditional Hindu fashion for his adopted daughter from India? Huntsman ought to be putting a CTR ring on that little girl, and telling her to marry a hunky RM in the temple someday, don't you think? (That reminds me of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie trying to raise their adopted kids in a bunch of different religions. We'll see how that works out.) Well... I just prefer the traditional strain of Mormonism displayed in my hero, Mitt Romney.

Ron Paul. He's too kooky. And his foreign policy is messed up. And he's not electable. And listen, all you crazy Ron Paul supporters: like it or not, politics is about compromise. There's 350 million people in this country, and many of them are liberals. Their votes are just as valid as conservatives' votes. You have to compromise with them. The best thing an elected official can do is to try to push the government in a conservative direction all the while preaching the doctrine of conservatism to the masses.

Again and again, Ron Paul has proven that he is unwilling to negotiate, unwilling to compromise, unwilling to even consider voting for an unbalanced budget. If a bill isn't exactly how he wants it, he'll just vote no. That's why he's called Dr. No. This doesn't mean the Paul's positions are right, it just means that Paul's positions are unpractical. The American people don't have the political will to put Paul's drastic changes into place. Now, that being said, I think that Ron Paul has been and will continue to be an important voice for auditing the federal reserve, getting out of the U.N., defending civil liberties, and for moving American towards fiscal stability.

And now I have a message for Ron Paul. If you don't get the nomination, please please please DO NOT RUN THIRD PARTY! You will nearly guarantee Obama's reelection!

And now, finally, we come to the old tried and true candidate, Mitt Romney. He's my hero. Mitt Romney is the most electable. I have problems with him, like many conservatives do: his support of Ethanol subsidies, Romneycare, his flip-flop on abortion and gay rights... that one time he tried to relate to the inner-city black kids by saying who let the dogs out ... but all things considered, he's the Republican party's best chance at victory, and he's the best chance we have at pushing America in a conservative direction. Plus he's perfect on foreign policy. Plus he belongs to the true religion! Think of the boon a Romney Presidency would be for LDS public relations! As long as he's a good President, of course. If he's a horrible President, that might be bad for the Church's image. But I've got a feeling that Romney will be a great President. Mitt Romney 2012!


Thursday, November 17, 2011

Giant Bird in my Backyard

Dear Readers,

The other morning I went in the backyard and saw a giant bird standing on the wall. The bird was huge! I had never seen a bird like it before in my neighborhood.

After a moment, the bird flew away.

(The lemon tree and grapefruit tree I planted last spring are also in the picture. One of these days they're going to be huge and produce a ton of fruit, but for now they're really small.)

Then the bird landed on one of my neighbors' rooftops. He stood there a while, looking this way and that.

I looked at him for a little while, and then he flew off again.

It was amazing. What kind of bird is it? I don't know. Do any of you know? Did he come to your house?

Whatever he is, I hope he comes back. I like him. On the other hand, I understand that birds are free, and they rightfully go wherever they want to go.


Thursday, November 10, 2011


I’ve always been prone to sleep.
I like 9 hours a night,
and a long nap following a long lunch:
A hot, sloppy sandwich, milk in a big cup,
a sleeping pill. At lunch I like
eating alongside warm and blurry people,
comfortable figures, muttering
their dreams of sailing, their dreams of flying.

Some people don’t like the fog but I do.
There’s fog when you sleep,
fog on the doorstep of every day,
fog waiting for your return, loyal as a dog.

The more I sleep,
The more quickly a year passes.
The more I sleep,
The more fog collects on my glasses.
The more I sleep,
The sooner I’m dead.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

San Tan Valley Voters Reject Tax Hike; Fiscal Conservatives Rejoice!

Dear Readers,

In local political news...

Prop 1 and 2 failed! Hooray!

A few weeks ago, when I first saw the signs, dozens of them, around the neighborhood saying, "Combs Kids Count! Vote Yes on 1 & 2" I wanted to put up signs that said, "No on 1 & 2 means more $ 4 U!" It's a catchy slogan, but it sounds a little greedy, and I didn't want to spend the time or energy putting up signs, you know. But I was very pleased when I saw someone recently put out a few signs opposed to 1 & 2 that were much more succinct than my imaginary signs. They read, "Teach Budgeting. No on 1 and 2."

Well, the yes on 1 and 2 campaign beat the fiscal conservatives on the signage front, but we naysayers won where it really mattered- in the voting booths! The unofficial results I'm looking at now says that 1 and 2 failed 35 % - 65 %.

Honestly, I thought Propositions 1 and 2 would pass. They were for the children, and things for the children usually pass. Like First Things First kept getting funded because it was for the children. And Prop 100 passed because it was for the children. Budget overrides for school districts always passed in Sahuarita, the town that I grew up in. And of course, the budget overrides were for the children.

The people who want us to keep government programs going for the children are the same people who are burdening our children with debt. You know how much every child owes to the federal government? $47,888, according to the National Debt Clock.

I do understand that a lot of teachers are upset, a lot of administrators are upset, and a lot of Moms and Dads are upset. I feel your pain. But I have a suggestion! You can donate $ 200 a year to your school, and then get all $200 completely back in your taxes. That's a great way to allocate your state income tax money to the schools. And one of the best things about that is that it is voluntary!

And then, if you really feel really really upset, even after you've donated $200, give even more! You can even act as if the propositions passed, and give Combs School District an extra 15 % on your property taxes for the next 7 years! School Districts take donations! They're always asking for them! There's a slew of fundraisers you can choose from. Car washes, bake sales, etc.

I do care about education and I do care about schools, but if we want our Republic to survive, and not go down the road that Greece is currently on, we need to severely limit the size and scope of government. And one of the best ways to limit the size and scope of government is to never let them raise your taxes.


Thursday, November 3, 2011

The Rodeo

Yee-haw ya’ll! Get your spit on them bolo ties
And break out some big old bucking bronco boots, guys,
‘cause it’s the Rootin’ Tootin’ Big-Gun-Shootin' Upsher County Rodeo!
It’s gonna be just like they do on the television show
They’s horses, they’s barrels, they’s bulls and they’s hay,
Calves, dogs, clowns, and beer kegs flowin’ all day!

And up in the seats is some treats for us who like ropin’
Cuz there’s sweetheart ladies just a struttin’ and a flouncin’
With them girlie curly twirly hair ribbons just a-flap-flap-flappin’
And when them ropers yank hard on a sheep’s bleeding neck,
the women all start hollerin’ and cheerin’ from here to Heck.
I tell you there ain’t nothing better in the sweet Texas breeze
than to lasso a steer, tie ‘em up, and bash ‘em in the knees!

And this year my Granpa’s Ex-wife’s Cousin Buck
is gonna bring in a 7 foot tall rabid duck. A duck!
Hauled in direct from the farm on his big-old diesel truck.
7 foot tall! No lie! They cooked up chemicals they made him drink
then scientists gene-mixed him with a T-Rex dinosaur, I think,
well, it’s a feathery yellow-glowin' guy,
a mutated honker about to die, children might even cry
when they see it foaming at the beak and veins just a poppin’
but us cowboys know when the Rodeo is startin' and when the Rodeo is stoppin'
and the show ain't done 'til the duck's done droppin'
down to the dirt and starts spewing chunky orange spew
but the rodeo ain't through, I said the rodeo ain't never through
'til the duck's got one eye on the Devil and one eye on you.
After that we're gonna make the duck fight turtles.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Will Wil Cardon Win?

Dear Readers,

There's a guy named Wil Cardon who is running against Jeff Flake in the Republican primary for Senator.

I don't know too much about Cardon, but from what I do know, it looks like Wil Cardon is a more formidable opponent than I had previously thought. I initially dismissed him because Seeing Red Arizona dismissed him, but maybe I shouldn't have been so dismissive.

The most important thing you need to know about Wil Cardon is that he's a ka-trillinoaire. An ultra-super-mega ka-trillionaire. And he earned that money fair and square. And he's going to spend a whole bunch of his own money to take down Jeff Flake.

Now, Jeff Flake is a pretty good conservative, but there's a lot of things I don't like about him.

I don't like his stance on global warming and cap and trade. He thinks it's real, and he likes the cap and trade idea.

I don't like his stance on illegal immigration. He's soft.

I don't like his career in politics. Flake's never had a real job. And if he becomes our Senator next year, then he'll most likely be our Senator for at least thirty years. That's the way politics work, you know.

I don't like his blonde highlights.

So... I think I support Wil Cardon. I wonder if Sherrif Joe Arpaio will endorse Wil Cardon. Sherrif Joe endorsed Jeff Smith, Jeff Flake's challenger for Representative last year, so... if the trend continues... Cardon should get Arpaio's support.

What Cardon doesn't have is an strong campaign organization, like Flake has. Cardon's going to have to spend a lot of money to get people to recognize his name and convince people that he'll do a better job than Flake.

But I think Cardon's already convinced me. I think I support Wil Cardon.


Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Vote No on the J.O. Combs Unified School District Budget Overrides

Dear Readers,

On Tuesday, November 8th, there will be a special override election in the Combs Unified School District, in San Tan Valley. The schools want more money. They want about two million dollars, in addition to all the money they're already getting, over the next three years.

To obtain the desired additional funds, the school districts have proposed increasing property taxes.

There are two propositions on the ballot, propositions 1 and 2. Proposition 1 will allow the School District to spend 10 % more than the state budget allows them to. Proposition 2 will allow the School District to spend 5 % more than the state budget allows them to. (What happens if they both pass? Does the district get to spend 15 % more than the state budget allows? I think so.) Both propositions stipulate that the additional spending will be funded entirely by new property taxes on properties located within the school district.

For a person who owns a home valued at $97,770, (which is a few thousand more than my house is worth) it will cost an additional $176.34 a year. That's $ 14.70 a month. I'm getting this information from the pamphlet I got in the mail.

And if you own a business that's valued around 2 million dollars and is located within the school district, your business will pay an extra $7,132.90 a year.

Please vote no on both 1 and 2.

Here's a few reasons why you should vote no:

1. More taxes are bad for the economy.

2. Schools already have enough money. Lack of funding is not the issue. Mismanagement of funds is the issue.

3. Schools never stop asking for money. If Propositions 1 and 2 pass, soon the school will find that they need more money.

4. Proposition 100 passed. Wasn't that supposed to rescue the schools from financial ruin?

5. The increased taxes will stick around for 7 years. In 7 years, I'll bet that Combs USD will ask for a renewal of the increased property taxes.

6. If they cut a few extracurricular activities at the schools, so what? So the students may get to take a few less field trips. Big deal. Parents can hire a private person to teach their children music or art or sports. You can play on teams. Kids can join clubs. There are community theaters. There are church groups that have all sorts of youth activities. I know private sector football clubs are not the same as high school football, but we taxpayers need to take a stand somewhere. When I was a kid, I didn't participate all that much in extracurricular activities. I mostly built forts in the desert, and listened to Bob Dylan and read comic books alone in my room. And look at me now! I turned out great! The privileged teenagers may whine for a few weeks, and the union members may whine for a few years, but they'll get over it, eventually.

7. Schools waste too much money on technology.

8. Money is power. Whenever you pay taxes, you surrender a little bit of your power to the government. Of course we need some taxes, for roads and the military and for all of the other constitutional actions of government, but we don't need nearly as much taxation as we have now.

9. There are those who say that church and state should be kept separate. Maybe school and state should also be kept separate.

10. If it turns out that the Combs Unified School District starts failing, then I would suggest taking your kids out of public schools and putting them into private schools, charter schools, or religious schools, or educate them at your own home. Or let them go uneducated and make them work in a factory or on a farm. That will build character, and schooling is overrated anyway.

11. If you feel heartless voting no on 1 and 2, soothe yourself by writing to your Representatives and Senators in Congress and telling them to support school vouchers. I think school vouchers will go a long way to fixing our education system.

12. I've already written about wasteful spending in education, and at Combs USD in particular, before.

I'm sure some will call me Mr. Merciless for voting to keep my property taxes at their current levels, but I can endure name-calling, especially entertaining, alliterative name-calling. In fact, alliterative name-calling is quite fun. Why don't you call me The Heartless Hermit? I can take that. Or how about a Dastardly De-funder? Those descriptions slide right off me, I'll have you know, you Terrible Tax-Raiser, you Limp-necked Liberal, you Pricey Public-School Promulgating Pansy!


Thoughts on the October 18th Republican Presidential Debate

Dear Readers,

Rick Perry

Stick a fork in Rick Perry. He’s done. He’s had too many bad debate performances. I know I predicted that Rick Perry would be the President, but… well… um… gee… um… I was wrong. Rick Perry awkwardly pauses too much. He doesn’t speak in nice complete sentences. He’s not dumb, but when it comes to extemporaneous speaking, sometimes he sounds dumb. I know that nobody speaks in nice complete sentences all the time, but some are more eloquent than others. Mitt Romney is more eloquent than Rick Perry, for example.

In a perfect world, it shouldn’t matter that Perry is a lousy debater. Content is more important than form. Substance is more important than image. I would rather have a experienced and honest leader with limited speaking ability, like Moses, than an inexperience and deceitful leader who has mastered the art of rhetoric.

But we don’t live in a perfect world, and these days, politicians need to be able to debate well. And the Republicans need to nominate a masterful debater. Can you imagine Rick Perry going up against Barack Obama in a debate? Obama would beat him. Obama can blow people away in debates. He’s got the look, the demeanor, the voice, the inflection, the gestures… I’ll admit, sometimes when I watch President speak for a while, I get a tingly, hypnotized feeling! But then I remember what’s Obama’s actually saying, and I remind myself that he’s wrong and/or lying most of the time.

Also, part of a President’s job is giving good speeches. Obama’s great at speeches. Really great. Maybe that’s why he does them so much. Too bad they don’t seem to accomplish very much. The highlight of Obama’s Presidency so far, I think, was when he spoke at the funeral in Tucson. It’s a beautiful speech, beautifully delivered.

One thing that bugs me about Rick Perry is that half his answers started with something like, “We need to start having a serious conversation about ___________ (fill in the issue here.) “It’s time to seriously revive a national debate about ____________” This is a minor complaint, but still, it was something I noticed.

The best thing I can say about Rick Perry’s performance last night is that he suggested that we should stop funding the United Nations. I completely agree, and I was happy to hear someone besides Ron Paul and his John Birch Society pals say that we should get out of the U.N. It’s time for us to withdraw from that corrupt organization. Oh, I suppose if our membership in the U.N. prevents war somehow, we can stay in it. What do I know? But really, the best way to prevent war, like Mitt Romney says, is a strong America. Peace through strength. Generally speaking, Americans are still the good guys. Even if we stay in the U.N., let’s give it less money, and less of our participation.

Jon Huntsman

Man, they asked Huntsman so few questions, and he gave so few answers, it’s almost like he wasn’t even there.

Ha ha ha. If you saw the debate, you know that was a joke. Huntsman actually wasn’t there. I don’t know why. Probably because Huntsman isn’t doing well enough in the polls to warrant him a spot in the debates. That’s the same reason Gary Johnson was absent.

I know a lot of conservatives don’t like Jon Huntsman, but I thought he did pretty well in the past debates. He certainly sounded smart and made a lot of interesting and witty comments. On the other hand, I’m glad he wasn’t there. His absence gave more time to the more electable candidates.

Newt Gingrich

I think he won the debate. Cain got hammered on his 9 9 9 plan, Mitt Romney got hammered on RomneyCare, Perry hammered himself with his own slow tongue, but Gingrich neither hammered nor received hammering. He was gentlemanly. The more I hear Newt Gingrich, the more I like him. And he is so spot-on with his critiques of the provocative, TV-friendly debate format. The debates are looking more and more like episodes of Jerry Springer these days.

Newt challenged Obama to a Stephen Douglas – Abraham Lincoln style of debates. I think that’s a great idea. I think the Republican nominee should do that, unless the nominee is Bachmann or Perry. They seem to be the most limited when it comes to debating. Oh, and probably not Ron Paul, either. But Romney, Cain, Santorum, and Gingrich would all mop the floor with Obama in a series of old-fashioned debates.

Ron Paul

Ron Paul managed to not say anything kooky for another debate. But, in my opinion, Ron Paul seems grumpy. And he seems to relish his outsider status. There’s a problem when outsiders become leaders. They can’t lead because they’re stuck in the outsider role. In fact, I think that’s what happened to Obama. Obama was the cool outsider guy, the rebel against the system, but now he’s become the System. Does that make sense?

Ron Paul’s budget proposal is good…. I guess… he wants to eliminate a dozen federal departments and agencies and slash a trillion dollars in spending. Hey, I’m all for drastic cuts, but come on, let’s face it, if Ron Paul were the President, his budget proposal would instantly fail. It’s too drastic. It’s too revolutionary. And if you think Cain’s 9 9 9 plan would be hard to pass, Paul’s budget proposal would be impossible. Does Paul seriously think he could get a budget that cut 1 trillion dollars form this year’s budget? There’s no way. Even if a hundred new tea-party type of people got elected to Congress next year, there’s still no way. I’m not being pessimistic. I’m being realistic.

Michelle Bachmaan

I think Bachmaan had a pretty good night. I don’t think she said anything too embarrassing. I thought she was a little over-the-top emotional when she spoke directly to the Moms and kids of America who are facing foreclosure. She didn’t say what she would actually do about the foreclosure problem, but I guess it’s good every once in a while for Presidential candidates to try to reach out emotionally to voters. One good moment for her was when she said that everyone should pay some federal taxes. With the way the federal tax code is now, about half of Americans don’t pay anything.

I can always hear her laugh. And she has these great big smiles. Almost too big.

Hmmm... I was about to comment on her outfit, but that would be sexist and shallow of me. I didn’t think about saying anything about any of the other candidate’s outfits. Women probably have a harder time than men getting dressed up. Men just wear a gray or black suit. It’s a given. But women have to pick out colors and accessories and makeup and hairstyles and etc. etc. etc.

That being said… did you see Bachmaan’s buttons last night?! And those mountainous shoulder pads?! Oh My Wow! Is she trying to trick us into thinking that she’s a man? Which sailor did she steal those clothes from? I mean seriously, with the way she was costumed, I thought at any time she was going to start baton-twirling!

And the woman really does have a beautiful head of hair. Why would she pass up a chance to flaunt it?

Rick Santorum

Rick Santorum is great. I don’t know why he’s doing so badly in the polls. Maybe he doesn't look Presidential? He seems to be a rock-solid conservative. He opposed TARP, and I love the way he keeps bringing up family values. He keeps stressing that stronger families make stronger economies. And when he criticizes other candidates, he has substantive things to say. Rick Perry hit below the belt when he accused Romney of hiring illegal immigrants to work on his lawn. Michelle Bachmann said, "Watch out for the 9 9 9 plan! Turn it upside down!" (By the way, I think Bachmaan stole that from me. Shhh… actually the truth is that I kind of maybe stole that funny idea from someone else on the Internet.) Rick Santorum, on the other hand, had legitimate complaints about RomneyCare. I also like the way he seems to answer the questions asked of him. He doesn’t change the subject or dodge things as much as the others do. He had a good night.

Mitt Romney

Mitt delivered yet another stellar performance. He consistently comes off as sharp, fair-minded, and handsome. His weakest part of the night was when he was being criticized on RomneyCare, and in fact RomneyCare is probably the weakest part of Romney's whole life. Another bad moment was when he was bickering back and forth with Perry. Mitt Romney 2012!

Herman Cain

I wished Herman Cain would have defended his 9 9 9 plan a little better than he did. He seemed to keep saying, "Go to my website. Experts analyzed the 9 9 9 plan. Go to my website. Experts analyzed the 9 9 9 plan. Go to my website." The 9 9 9 plan really is a great plan, in my opinion. I just wish Cain could communicate its greatness a little better.

Blah blah blah.

I have plenty more to say, but it's getting late, and my ADD is kicking in, and yours probably is too, so let's just call it a night, shall we?

Thanks for reading, I'll see you later, and Mitt Romney (or Herman Cain) 2012!

Actually, lately I've been thinking it would be cool to have a bumpersticker that said, "Mitt Romney or Herman Cain 2012". I like them both a lot.

OK, see you later


Monday, October 10, 2011

NAU's 2011-2012 Theatre Season

Dear Readers,

Well, another college school year has arrived, and with it has come Northern Arizona University's 2011-2012 Theater season. I criticized last years' plays in this post. And now in this post- you guessed it- I'm going to criticize this season's plays. Here's the list of the plays they're going to do followed by my biased, Christian, judgmental, and politically conservative thoughts:

The Two Gentelmen of Verona: The Musical, adapted by John Guare & Mel Shapiro, based on the play by William Shakespeare

Shakespeare set to rock and roll. I guess that's cool. I don't have much to say about this play, but I want to make the observation that William Shakespeare is a pillar of Western Civilization, and this play seems to put a few cracks in that pillar. Instead of doing a Shakespeare play in a traditional, respectful production style, (you know, tights, capes, swords, corsets for the ladies) NAU has chosen to do a modern, messed-up version of Shakespeare.

The modern liberal University seems to have a love-hate relationship with William Shakespeare. Academicians love him because he's such a gold mine of great literature. They can't deny his skill, his genius, and his enduring popularity. But they hate him because they hate Western Civilization. You see, the more college professors read Shakespeare and talk about Shakespeare and teach Shakespeare, the more they perpetuate the greatness, or at least the influence, of Western Civilization, of dead white men. Some scholars satisfy both their desire to study great literature and their desire to bash dead white men by teaching Shakespeare in disturbing new ways. For example, they teach The Tempest from a postcolonial view, and they teach The Merchant of Venice from a homosexual view.

Nickle and Dimed by Joan Holden, based on the book by Barbara Ehrenreich.

This is the play I have the most to complain about. The woman who wrote the book that the play is based on, Barbara Ehrenteich, is married to a union organizer, she's worked with ACORN, the SEIU, and is really really concerned with gender inequality and economic inequality. In short, she's a threat to good Republicans everywhere.

Gee whiz.

Last year the theater department brought on lefty lefty leftist left-winger Luis Valdez. They had him bash Sheriff Joe and bash Republicans and bash SB 1070, and they had him talk a little bit about theater, too. This year they're producing a play, Nickle and Dimed, that's straight-up communist propaganda.

What's going on? Is anyone criticizing the theater department's hyper-political, hyper-liberal play selection but me? There's a bunch of young, impressionable college students (not to mention publicly-subsidized college students) who are genuinely interested in theater. They arrive at NAU's doorstep eager for knowledge, eager for direction, eager for enlightenment, and what do they find lurking behind the theater's dark curtains? Leftist political indoctrination! Moral degradation!

These 18-year-olds and 19-year-olds want to be actors, they want to be directors, they want careers. They're not paying tens of thousands of dollars in tuition and fees to be indoctrinated with liberalism! The Theater Department might as well host an Occupy Flagstaff rally, inspired by the stupid and dangerous Occupy Wall Street movement. The professors might as well make the students chant "Income Equality Now" at the steps of Flagstaff city hall!

The production of Nickle and Dimed is an outrage. America is the greatest country on Earth. There is more social mobility here than anywhere else. There are more opportunities to fulfill your dreams here than in any other country. This is a blessed land, and to have cowardly theater professors produce anti-American plays while coolly sipping lattes and enjoying their cozy tenure infuriates me. I encourage anybody reading this to write a letter to the NAU Theatre department voicing your concerns with the play's controversial content. You can send a letter to: Department of Theatre / PO Box 6040 / Building 37/Room 120 / Flagstaff, Arizona 86011. Or you can email them at Your voice, small though it may be, can make a difference.

A Bonus Project - Puppets

I have no idea what they're going to do with puppets... but even a socially/fiscally/national defense conservative like myself has to admit... puppets are pretty cool. I'd pay to see this show. Hopefully the puppets will recite the Lord's Prayer and/or Paul Revere's Ride by Longfellow. But it's more likely that the folks who pull the strings will put on a interpretive dance inspired by the Communist Manifesto.

Dancing at Lughnasa by Brian Friel

I've never heard of this play before, (which isn't surprising because I'm an uncultured factory-working suburbanite these days) but I learned from reading the blurb that the play is set in Ireland. Is it just me, or does the NAU theater department have a preoccupation with Ireland? Check this out. The department recently produced The Cripple of Inishmaan, which was a dark Irish play about sad dark Irish people, a woman on the faculty is named Darby, another woman on the faculty has a last name that starts with the letters "M" and "c," which are immediately followed by a capitol letter, and now here we find that the NAU theatre department fixation with all things Irish has not yet been satiated. They're doing another play set in Ireland.

I wanted to get an idea of the moral content of this play, so I could pass the information on to you, my dear readers, so I went to a website called "Movieguide: the family guide to movies and entertainment," which is a movie-review site from a Christian perspective, and I found a review for a film adaption of Dancing at Lughnasa. I found this:

"Mild Christian worldview with Christian prayers & familial love, but strong anti-Christian content including an insane priest who loves African pagan practices & a bitter, puritanical home leader"

I won't be seeing what other "strong anti-Christian content" the play has to offer, fortunately, since I will not be attending the play.

Arsenic and Old Lace by Joseph Kesselring

Now here's a great play the whole family can enjoy. I've only seen this play performed once, and it was a dreadful high school production. But Arsenic and Old Lace is a guaranteed crowd-pleaser, an American theater staple, and I've heard it can be done very well. Good play selection, NAU theatre! It's almost as good as A Christmas Carol, which, to NAU's credit, they produced a few years ago. Unfortunately, these types of plays- the plays that promote the goodness of Western Civilization and Christianity- are too few and far between.)

Love Letters by A R Gurney

This sounds like a play I'd like to see. Yeah, this one sounds really neat. Though, if I were to oppose NAU's selection of the play on moral grounds, I would say that Love Letters romanticizes marital infidelity. And that's a bad thing. It sells tickets, for sure, but it's still a bad thing.


Saturday, October 1, 2011

Herman Cain = DEMON CAIN!!!

Herman Cain wants us to think he's Christian. That's why he says he's "Baptist."

Herman Cain wants us to think he's a nice family man. That's why he's strategically placed himself among people he calls "wife" and "children" and now even cuddly babies he calls "grandchildren." He makes sure to appear in public, grinning, with these "people".

Herman Cain wants us to believe that he can "save" America. (Only one Man can save Americans, and it isn't Mr. Herman!!!) He's trying to ascend the HOLY THRONE!!!

But what if Herman Cain is lying? What if a demon has possessed the body of Herman Cain?! Or what if Herman was a demon all along?!

Forward this, my true Christian believers, to at least 10 people before midnight tonight! That will save at least 10 souls!


1. His last name is Cain!!! Ring any bells, my fellow Bible believers?!! CAIN was from the BIBLE and CAIN was EVIL!!! He was the first murderer! God is trying to tell us something! God inspired Mr. Cain's voodoo slave ancestors to adopt "Cain" as a last name, to warn us in the modern days of the grand deciever prophesied of in the Book of Revelation! (Revelation 15:8 secret meaning:Herman Cain was born on the seventh day of the seventh month, and so Herman Cain is the personal embodiement of the seventh plague!) His followers see the signs...

2. He was the president of Godfather Pizza. Think about that name for a second. GODfather Pizza... A pizza parlor that simultaneously takes the Lord's name in vain and takes Christians view away from the real Heavenly Parlor above to their hellish pizza slices beneath... Several Christian customers of Godfather's Pizza have confirmed getting a creepy feeling in that restaurant!

3. Cain's "economic" plan to reform "taxes" is called 9-9-9. Sounds simple, nice and kinda catchy, huh? Be not decieved!!! You know what 9-9-9 is upside down? 666! That's the Mark of the Beast !!! he number of the Devil ... 666!!! We found it! It's finally here! Shout it from the mountaintops!!! Everyone who agrees with the 999 plan (code for the 666 plan) is accepting the mark of the Beast, and therefore will not be Raptured when the Rapture comes!

Forward this now, and DO NOT SUPPORT DEMON CAIN!

ADT Adopts Northstar Alarm Sneak Tactics

Dear Readers,

Last night, I got a knock on the door. It was a well-groomed young man in a white polo-shirt with an ADT logo.

“Hi, I’m Mike,” he said. “I’m a marketing director for ADT, the home security system company. In a few weeks, my sales team is going to be coming through the area, but before I send them through, I’m trying to do a local little advertising by placing one of my signs in your yard. See, I’m thinking that some of your neighbors and maybe some of the passersby s will see the sign and it will be great grassroots marketing for ADT. We’ll actually compensate you with an alarm system if you just take care of this sign for us. How many exterior doors do you have?”

Wow, this was really crazy, I thought as he stood in the doorway. That was the exact same spiel that I was taught to give on strangers’ doorsteps when I worked for Northstar Alarm Security Systems for a miserable week and a half in Nashville, Tennessee, in the summer of 2007.

(My sister said that the same thing happened to her a while back, a guy came to her door selling alarm systems, she can't remember the name of the company, and the guy used a lot of the same dialogue that Northstar Alarm people are trained to give, like, “How many cars do you think go by here a day? Hmm, I really like your yard because it’s in such a good location, and you keep it looking so nice, and if we could just place our sign in your yard that would be great advertising for our company.”)

Because of my experience working for Northstar, I knew a few things about the sales guy’s pitch:

- Mike was not a marketing director. He was a rank-and-file door-to-door salesman. He looked to be college-aged, but it’s almost October, so if he was a college student, he should have been in class… but then again, if this guy’s good at sales, and he likes it, he doesn’t have much of a reason to go to college.

- Advertising is a cover story. They really just want to sell you an alarm system.

- There would be no sales team coming through the area in the next few weeks. He was the sales guy.

- While it is true that if I bought the ADT security system right then and there, I would have gotten a big discount, ADT makes the real money from monthly monitoring service fees that would have been at least 30 bucks a month. I would have had to sign a contract that lasts for several years.

- Mike didn’t care how many exterior doors I had. The system would cost the same if I had 1 exterior door or 7 exterior doors. And it’s not like if I had too many doors, or too few doors, the system wouldn’t work for my house, or I wouldn’t be a suitable ADT advertiser. I can’t think of any legitimate reason why the sales guy should know how many exterior doors I have! The only reason he asked the question is to get my mind off the price, to get my mind where he wanted it. He wanted to get me answering questions. He wanted to start a conversation that would end with me signing a contract.

Maybe I should have went along with the sales pitch for a little while longer, but that would have been meaner than what I did. When he finally gave me a chance to speak when he asked me how many exterior doors I had, I just said “I’m not interested.” And then I told him that I did the same thing that he was doing a few years ago, and I said it was horrible, and he chuckled. And I told him that we were taught the same dialogue that he was using. He didn’t seem surprised. I don’t know if he was happy or not.

I didn’t mean to be condescending, but I thought I should be honest and forthcoming to the ADT salesguy. I hope I didn't come off as rude. See, I’ve made a vow to myself not to be rude to salespeople who go door to door, because I know how miserable that job can be.

But I’ve also made a vow to myself to never buy anything from a door to door salesperson. If I want something, I’ll research it and then go buy it. Oh, maybe I’d buy Girl Scout cookies or something trivial and tasty like that... but I don’t think Girl Scouts go door to door selling cookies anymore. It’s a different world, you know, what with all the criminals and creeps everywhere.

I wasn’t angry that the ADT salesperson came to my door. I respect Mike. He was just trying to make a living. He was just participating in righteous capitalism.


Friday, September 30, 2011

Ron Paul Revolution!!! 2012 END THE FED - Fight the NWO - Ron Paul

Ron Paul 2012!!!

We need to go back to the gold standard just like the Constitution and Dr. Paul says!!! "No paper money shall exsist in our Republic"

If you ever support anyone besides the Doctor Paul you're a buffoon. Ron Paul = freeeeedom!!!

All the rest, Romney, Perry, Cain, etc... are just drones from the Bilderberg/Illuminati implementing the New World Order ID card microchips!!! We don't need the feds telling us where our planes can fly!!! They're gonna build the U.S. Mexico wall to keep us all locked in America, man!!!


Audit the Fed!

Please, if you ever do anything political in your life, vote for Ron Paul because we're all doomed if he's not elected!!! Share this with all your friends on Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, and Everything!!!

Ron Paul 2012!

OK, I'm done with that joke. I was going to write something about how a Ron Paul supporter hacked into my blog and started spreading Paul propoganda on Telemoonfa Time, but... um... anyway... This is a satirical post about how members of the Ron Paul Cult are all over the Internet. Seriously, I just went to Mitt Romney's Facebook page and about half of the comments on all the posts were something about Ron Paul. Ron Paul people are crazy on Youtube, too. Almost every video having to do with Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, Herman Cain, or any of the other candidates has a bunch of Ron Paul people saying Ron Paul stuff. Some of the Ron Paul supporters are really nice people and smart and etc., and I agree with a lot of what Ron Paul says, but why are so many of his supporters so wack-taskic? They're just wacky and extreme to the max! Ron Paul's candidacy is starting to seem more like a cult-movement thing than a presidential campaign.


Russell Pearce vs. Jerry Lewis vs. Olivia Cortez

Dear Readers,

And now for some local political news...

Liberal rabble-rouser Randy Parraz got a recall election going for Arizona State Senator Russell Pearce in legislative district 18, which is in Mesa. This is a big deal because Russell Pearce is the co-author of SB 1070, a conservative superstar, and the AZ Senate President. One of the most important differences between this special recall election and a regular election is that there's no primary voting. In this election, Democrats, Greens, Independents, Republicans, and even Communists can vote. I think that Parraz and his cronies knew that the only way the conservative lion Russell Pearce could be brought down is through a recall election, because Pearce has beaten and will continue to beat any Republican in a primary election. And a Democrat will never beat Pearce, because LD 18 is Republican through and through.

A lot of people thought that the recall effort was a waste of time, because Pearce is so popular that he can't be defeated, but a very formidable Republican candidate has emerged: Jerry Lewis. He's a family man, a former LDS stake president, involved with the school choice movement, a businessman, a political outsider, and he's been in the area forever so he has a lot of connections. He seems thoughtful, intelligent, and he has a squeaky-clean record. So, it looks like the race is going to be pretty close. Maybe Lewis will win.

Pearce's campaign staff have done something unethical. They got Olivia Cortez's name put on the ballot. She's another Republican, but she's a phony candidate. She's not campaigning whatsoever. She's not putting out signs, she doesn't have a website, she's not returning newspaper reporter's phone calls. So... she's a plant, meant to draw away more votes from Jerry Lewis. This tactic has been used over and over in politics. When the Democrats paid for some of Libertarian Steven Stoltz's mailers in CD 8 in 2010, it was designed to take away votes from Jesse Kelly. And last year there was this controversey about how there were a bunch of sham Green party candidates on the ballot, just to draw away Democratic votes. It's a very effective tactic, but it's slimy.

Oh, and I have to say that the name "Olivia Cortez" is perfect for Pearce's purposes. When voters see that name they assume two things about her: she's female and she's Hispanic. I guess there are a lot of voters who vote according to a candidate's gender and ethnicity.

So... who am I supporting? Well, that doesn't really matter, because I don't live in LD 18 so I can't vote for either of them. And I'm certaintly not going to donate money or time to either candidate. But, hypothetically speaking, I support Russell Pearce. He has just a fantastic conservative record. Just fantastic. He's not perfect, but he's really good.

But if Jerry Lewis wins, that would be cool, too. He seems like a great guy. I think I'm going to go to a Russell Pearce and Jerry Lewis debate next Thursday. Maybe I should take pictures and blog about it. It's going to be entertaining, that's for sure.

OK, see you later.


Wednesday, September 28, 2011


For Allen Ginsberg

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by liberalism,
well-fed hysterical fashionably clothed,
who bicycled themselves through college campuses at noonish
screaming full-throated in adopted indigenous tongues for government grants
to teach the homeless how to grow organic granola in public spaces,
who befriended insects,
who taught red ants and black ants the sublimity of coexistence,
who videotaped each other waving rainbow flags, intentionally ironically waving anarchy flags, waving United Nations flags, declaring themselves flagless,
who were bound for Boulder, bound for Berkley, bound for Barcelona with a backpack packed with smack and dream-catchers,
who boarded Greyhounds to Nirvana then abandoned the buses at the whiff of spies,
who hitchhiked to the houses of gender-neutral relatives who seem pretty chill,
who wandered parks pick-pocketing in righteousness, baring their bones to the Sacred Mother Earth and Ancient Father Sky, burning music of the Grateful Dead, burning music of a minister's wayward daughter, burning bootleg underground playlists of the Mighty Lemonberry Squad’s thirteen B-side harpsichord versions of their # 67 hit “ghosts of ghosts are the only ones living,” fabricating certificates of authenticity to accompany the sardonic marketing of comic books that contain no comics and are not books,
who are twenty-somethings and thirty-somethings and something-somethings avoiding the creation of nuclear families, averting responsibility, chanting “sustainability” chanting “diversity” chanting “social justice,” chanting “New Urbanism,” with careful lips, spinning eyeballs, volunteering at abortion clinics between neo-carnival rallies expressing solidarity with cultural prisoners such as Chaz,
dropping flower-bombs on capitol cities, dropping spray-painted bombs of love on church doorsteps, performing the installations of art installations of constellations of art installations that perform, installing tele-micro-phonic software into soft wares i.e. second-hand pillows that smoke, drawing back the Curtain of Suburbia and peeking into the Inner Machinery of the Future-Minded Utopian Ideals, returning to the classroom, returning to the coffee-houses, returning to the hostels at dusk with mouthfuls of Promised Land Lore,
who got no job and wanted no job,
who collected union dues and municipal budget misallocations for their non-profit stimulus-subsidized commune start-up, the poster-child of shovel-ready investments into green jobs for clean energy dynamos that prepare children of low-income families for a lifetime of techno-savvy success in the brave new economy
who studied postcolonialism postcolonialism postcolonialism
who scrawled “Resurrect the proletarians of aboriginal architecture!” in dropout textbook marginalia thus fulfilling a global diversity requirement,
who slept in the graveyard of Western Civilization to summon the spirits of dead white men to kill them again,
who vacationed in mechanical forests to de-stress,
who roamed the Desert of New Thought Indian Reservation for forty days and forty nights, smoking peyote with the final few Indians who waged war on all pale-faced invaders,
who vacationed with drugs,
who vacationed again with more drugs,
who vacationed with the only guy left with a car,
who hired Craigslist philosophers to scream Equality into the halls of Congress,
who assembled a team of interior decorators slash meditation gurus to levitate and treat their windows with the color of hoary-headed infatuation
who knocked door-to-door for Barack Obama,
and plan to work for Obama again,
I have a message for you, plucked from the tree of Common Sense:
Become a conservative. Vote Republican.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Don't Go to the Church with the Grizzly Bear in it

They keep a grizzly locked at the end
of the hall, behind the last door on the left.
Whenever one of the churchgoers
Has sinned in secret, then returns to the sanctuary,
Unrepentant and pretty-faced,
the bear sniffs the sinner out.
He’ll scratch, pause, scratch, pause, scratch.
The Priest excuses himself,
walks down the hall, inserts key with trembling
hand, swings wide the door, and shouts with arms upraised,
“Administer sacred justice, O Holy Bear!
Let Heaven come to Earth!”

The bear ambles to the sanctuary
slowly makes his way to the guilty one,
and then mauls the sinner!
Eats his stomach! crushes his skull!
Chomps his face!
chomps! chomps his bloody face!
In the midst of the congregation,
While the rest look on in reverence.

Intestines get all over the pews.

The Priest gives a solemn clap clap clap,
And the bear returns to his room,
Behind the last door on the left.

After the service, the body parts
Are scattered in the churchyard
And the sinner’s soul goes to Hell.

So it went for generations.
Perplexingly, church attendance increased.

But one Sabbath the bear sniffed toward Beatrice,
The banker’s new bride, for whom
The Priest held an insuppressible secret passion.
As the bear approached, Beatrice sat
Bowing her head, her golden locks a-flow,
Her blossom-blue eyes sparkling with pure sparkles
That became more sparkly the more they sparkled,
Her body beaming beauteous beautiful beauty-beams,
A warm light emanating and cascading and rippling
And drip-drip-dropping from her bosom.
Calm as a summer afternoon
when a sailboat sails by on a whispery breeze
and there's lots of seagulls and pelicans and stuff,
Beatrice sat, when the bear swiped at her with heavy paw,
Opened its jaws and yelled, “Rowr-raaaggghhhhllff!”

Just then, the Priest threw himself between Beatrice
And the bear! He let himself be eaten! He had saved her!

After the Priest was dead, the bear
Didn’t know what to do anymore.
There was no clap clap clap.
So he did what he did best. He killed everyone!
Even Beatrice. They all sat starry-eyed,
Waiting for teeth to come to their throats.
After they were eaten, they all went to Hell.
Even Beatrice.

In Hell there were more grizzly bears
That kept eating everybody’s guts,
And then everybody got to rest for a few minutes
While more intestines regrew, like lizard’s tails.
But the bears came back too,
And mauled everybody again,
And ate everybody's guts again,
And it hurt really really bad,
And that happened over and over and over again, forever.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Abolish First Things First!

Dear Readers,

We always hear that politicians are looking for ways to cut spending. Well I have a great idea. Eliminate First Things First!

First things First is an Arizona tax-payer funded bureaucracy that’s is aimed to help children. It’s founded in the belief that parents aren’t doing a good enough job raising children, so the government needs to takeover.

Last election, Arizona voters had a chance to de-fund First Things First. They blew it. Usually Arizona voters pick conservative candidates who promise to cut wasteful spending. But since voters felt that First Things First was for the children, and since the people whose livelihoods depend on First Things First waged an expensive propaganda war, Arizonans voted to keep throwing cash down the First Things First hole. For shame!

Maybe you’re saying to yourself, “But wait Telemoonfa, what wasteful spending has First Things First done, specifically? And don’t you love children? Don’t you want to help them?”

Of course I love children! And of course I want to help them! I have a daughter who’s two years old, and I just love her so much, and I do my best to take care of her, educate her, and raise her to become a faithful virtuous woman someday.

And here’s a few of the wasteful things that First Things First has done:

Books for Babies

When my daughter was born, we got a book, paid for by First Things First. I think it was a book about the numbers one through ten, and it had a bunch of pictures of babies in it. It’s a sweet little book, really, and books aren’t that expensive, but when you give a book to every newborn in the state, it adds up.

Magazine Subscriptions for Babies

After we had our daughter, we mysteriously started getting Parenting Magazine in the mail. We got it for a year. This can only be the work of the Government!

Movies for Babies

Along with the book, First Things First gave us a set of 6 DVDs about how to be a good parent. Neither my wife nor I have watched the movies, probably because we didn’t have a DVD player until just a few months ago. Which brings up a good question: First Things First is assuming that parents are rich enough to have a DVD player but too poor to obtain good parenting information. That’s a messed-up assumption! Again, 6 DVDs for every new baby in Arizona gets pretty costly.

The Fun Van

If the “free” books, magazines, and movies haven’t convinced you that First Things First should be eliminated, then this next reason should.

Almost every time I go to the library, I see the “FUN VAN: by First Things First” parked in the parking lot. I took the brochure about the Fun Van I found in the library. Here’s some of its propaganda:

“What is the Fun Van? An exciting opportunity for all families in Pinal County with children under 5 years of age. Together we will be working to help enrich your child’s skills and work toward empowering family literacy. We will travel to locations near you for your convenience. We encourage you to join our sessions with your children. We will present methods and techniques ranging from how to play with your child, to reading with your child to understanding how your child is developing through play.”

And sometimes the fun van provides snacks.

The Fun Van is destroying the dream of the Founding Fathers!

One of the most important things to remember about the book, the magazine, the DVDs, and the “education” that goes on inside the Fun Van is that it’s all secular. It’s all politically correct. Now, secularism and political correctness aren’t necessarily bad things. But if our children are being raised not by their parents, but by secular, politically correct government workers, our children will develop a different idea of morality and a different understanding of the purpose of life. In the care of the officials from the First Things First program, our children will most likely learn about endangered species, not about George Washington’s winter at Valley Forge. They'll most likely learn about how to befriend homosexuals and less likely to learn about the Ten Commandments.


Jeff Flake Endorses Mitt Romney

Dear Readers,

Have you heard that Jeff Flake endorsed Mitt Romney? If you haven’t heard, then let me tell you, Jeff Flake endorsed Mitt Romney. That’s great, because I endorse Mitt Romney, too. And I think this endorsement is a big deal because it basically seals the deal for Mitt Romney winning Arizona. Well, what do I know? Maybe it doesn’t.

Speaking of Flake, no one’s running against him for the Senate seat, the one that Jon Kyl is leaving open. Well, one guy is challenging Flake, but he has no chance. I guess the guy isn’t campaigning at all, so it makes me think he’s in it for the Arizona Clean Elections money. I think they need to abolish or dramatically reform Arizona Clean Elections, because it’s getting pretty dirty.

(Update on October 20, 2011: I made a mistake. It turns out that only candidates for state offices can get Clean Elections money. Federal candidates cannot. Sorry.)

I don’t know if a Democrat is going to bother running for the Arizona Senate seat. A Democrat doesn’t have a chance of winning a Senate seat in Arizona, especially in the current political climate.

I’m a little upset that no one’s seriously running against Jeff Flake, but then again, I wouldn’t want to be the guy running against him. Jeff Flake is like a juggernaut around here. And he’s a pretty good politician, compared to most politicians. He’s a pretty good conservative.

And speaking of Mitt Romney, this presidential election has pretty much become the Rick Perry and Mitt Romney show. Rick Perry is leading, but not by a ton. It looks like it will be a long hot primary season. Romney will win some states, Perry will win some states, but who will win the most states?

Mitt Romney appeals more to swing voters and independents than Perry. I think the polls are showing that if the general election were held now, Mitt Romney would beat Obama by a lot. But if Rick Perry were the nominee, it would be close.

So, if there are any independents or Democrats reading this, I have a message for you:

You know that Obama’s toast, right? I mean, even if you like the guy, you need to understand that the polls are showing that he’s going to be defeated in 2012. So you need to decide between Romney and Perry. So, can I ask you a favor, one voter to another? Change your party affiliation to Republican so you can vote in the primary. I know that might be hard for some of you to do. But don’t worry, you can change it right back after this one little vote. And you don’t even have to tell anyone that you briefly transformed into a Republican. It will be our little secret, OK? And if you don’t like the idea of being a principled Republican, well then, be an unprincipled Republican! All that matters right now is that you are a Republican in name only(RINO).

Oh, and then once you're registered as a Republican, then vote for Mitt Romney. Duh!

Or if you live in a state where anybody can vote in the primaries, then I guess you don’t have to be registered as a Republican.

Mitt Romney 2012!


P.S. Oh, and Sheriff Joe, can you endorse Romney too please? You endorsed him last time. You would look consistent if you endorsed him again. And Rick-amnesty Perry is so much of an amnesty-lover that I just nicknamed him Rickamnesty! And I don’t divvy out nicknames willy-nilly! Illegal immigration is so totally your issue, Sheriff Joe, you know! Your America’s toughest sheriff! So it just makes sense that you should endorse Mitt Romney!