Monday, November 22, 2010

Hey yay we cloned a monkey

The group that cloned the monkey.

Hey yay we cloned a monkey.

There are already mice with fully functioning human brains.

Gosh, I love Christine O'Donnell. I really really do.

You might not like this video upon first play, but if you watch it over and over again, it has a really cool effect on your brain.

I wish Miss O'Donnell well. She is me.

May the Universe flow through you.


Boycott Prom! Abolish Student Councils!

Dear Readers,

The Student Council at Northern Arizona University decided to create a new fee for new communal services.

This news is more evidence that, generally speaking, college students should not be running things. Remember the Yellow Bike Program?

Ha ha ha. What an utter failure in communism that was.

Student Councils are worthless!! They should all be abolished!

Oh, I suppose that a few girls making posters and twirling ribbons for a school dance is innocent. But I don't want to go to the dance! I don't have any school spirit, and I don't plan on getting school spirit any time soon. Stop bugging me.

I never went to prom. I probably just stayed home and watched movies, played Super Nintendo, or read comic books.

And not because I couldn't get a date! I'm pretty sure at least one awkward and hormonal girl would have gone to the prom with me. But I don't like dances, and I don't like school, and I don't like expensive things like fancy meals and overpriced tickets to a school dance, and I don't like prom!

I think a new tea-party slogan could be: I'm not going to prom!


What do student councils do anyway? They just think up ways to spend other people’s money, and they act like they're doing it for the good of other people. Student councils teach kids to be in love with power, fame and big government.

Thank goodness I'm out of school. I never never want to go to school again. School is a bad place. People are mean there.

Retreat to the hills. Paint a picture of the hills. Don't go to the prom. Emerge only when your hills are threatened.


Vote 4 Bristol 2-Nite!

Dear Tea-Party Co-Conspirators,


Remember that tonight Bristol Palin is on Dancing With The Stars! Vote for her a thousand times! Tell everyone you know to vote for her a thousand times!

Remember, the future of the American liberty is hanging in the balance! Do you want Barak Obama ramming his communistical hand down your throat and ripping our your red-white-and- blue soul?!!! Of course not, because you love freedom, and that's why you need to VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE!!!

Bristol Palin’s win would show the world once and for all that WE’RE HERE TO TAKE OUR COUNTRY BACK!!!


P.S. The eagle flies at midnight. Caw. Caw.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


Dear Readers,

Here's a script for a TV commercial:

Mike: Mom, what’s for dinner?

Mom: We have mashed potatos, broccoli, and milk.

Mike: Ah, Mom, I hate broccoli.

Dad: Now, son, this food is good for you. So eat it, or you don’t get any dessert.

Younger Sister: Oh boy, what’s for dessert?


Kids: Yeeaaaahhh!!!

Announcer: The healthy dessert, squidcicles, are made from 100% squid! It’ll give you that get-up-and-go energy you need to get up and go! And kids really love them!

Mike: (takes a lick) mmmmm… these are so good! I think we should have them for every meal!
Announcer: I think so too!

Everyone: Squidcicles: they’re squidlicious!

TV Poetry

Dear Readers,

Here are two funny poems I wrote a decade ago. They're about TV and Super Nintendo. Enjoy.

Results of a TV Addict

Video games and TV Guides line the walls of my home,
And I’m writing this silly poem,
To show you what I absolutely adore
(Although some might say it’s a bore)
But I think it’s heaven-sent,
Having my brain cells unduefully spent
Feeling my brains turn into goo,
Duuuh… sometimes I say “moo”
And my muscles all deteriorate
And my toenails all disintegrate,
But of course my thumb muscles are still good,
From playing video games as long as I could.
I have no reason to go outside.
My brains are already fried
From staring at my wonderful television
Which might be in Smell-O-Vision
But I wouldn’t know,
Because so many years ago,
I lost my sense of smell
When I accidentally fell
But that doesn’t matter now
Look! TV! It’s “The Big Brown Cow”

That’s the Life

My Super Nintendo and I are going to run away
Where birds always sing and babies never cry
Where dogs never bark and streams always flow
There we could, for all eternity, play my blues away
Watching the pigeons and sparrows happily fly
My Super Nintendo making me forget everything I know
Then finally I’d be happy to always stay
Eating gummy bears and apple cinnamon pie
But I wouldn’t worry about being bitten by a vamp-crow

Everything would be happy there
So whenever I wanted to, I’d just fall asleep
I could snooze ‘neath the shade of yon oaken tree
What was happening back home? I wouldn’t care
Because I wouldn’t have to earn my keep
Or keep track of some important key
The hardest thing I’d do is simply pick a pear
There would be no work there, to make me weep
Ah, yes, not a care in the world, that’s the life for me.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Gummy Bear Eating Made Easy: A Fundamental Step-by-Step Guide for the Serious Gummy Bear Eater

After practice, eating gummy bears will not only be enjoyable, but it will also turn into an evening ritual that will be hard to pass up. First, you get some gummy bears from a store, preferably Bashas’. Then you take them home. Once you get settled into your favorite gobbling chair, rip open the inferior plastic bag with all your mighty rage, letting some of the candy fall into your lap. Eat the ones that fall onto the floor first, for they are the sweetest. Then furiously jam your fist into the bag, collecting the gummy heads in the cracks between you fingers, then licking them off. Once your hand is slimy with your drool, you are ready to eat 30 at a time. Form your hand into a scooper and scoop up anywhere from 30 to 35 gummy bears. Shove them into your mouth. Don’t chew too slow; the average should be 81 CPM (chews per minute). Repeat this process until you can’t scoop anymore. Then lift bag up to your mouth and dump the rest in. Leave the bag on the floor for your dog to eat. Dogs like that.

Poems about my two little brothers

Dear Readers,

Here are some poems I wrote in high school about my two little brothers:

Paul’s Pretty Perfect Picture

You look so innocent in your new overalls,
Like a farmer’s son,
Barely learning how to pull weeds,
Very willing to help.

Standing by the water,
Sun is glistening off your face,
Always photogenic.

Face and clothes moderately dirty,
From gleefully playing,
In the forest,
Hundreds of years older than you.

Happily smiling for the camera,
Building seet memeories on film
Of your youth
Rapidly rolling into the future.

My little brother’s education

You look so entranced in your Super Nintendo Game
Not caring about anything else.
Angry at Mario’s death,
Insisting the buttons didn’t work
Or Paul was in the way
Unwilling to put your empty cups away
Not caring about the books waiting in the dusty rack beside you,
They didn’t offer what you wanted,
Something that only video games could.
Soothed by your control over the little man on the screen,
Making you forget about the boo-boo on your knee,
And about the microscopes you could be looking in,
Upset the game didn’t go his way,
But not ever quitting,
And he never will,
Because the game is his thrill.


The Old Gray Couch

Dear Readers,

When I was young, my family had an old gray couch. It was a ragged old thing. I remember that for the last year or so that we had it, the cushions sagged in so much that we wedged a piece of plywood in there to make the couch sit-able.

Mom hated the couch, but I loved it.

One day my Mom finally borrowed somebody’s pickup truck and hauled it off to the dump. That night, Mom beamed as she came home with a new thousand-dollar couch from a fancy furniture store.

I was angry about the new couch. It looked like it belonged in a museum, behind a velvet rope. So I purposefully spilled a whole glass of milk on it.

I remember that I made Mom cry, and she yelled at me. That might have been the worst thing I’ve ever done.

When I was in high school, I wrote the following poem about the old gray couch.

The Old Gray Couch

What is the couch to me?
It is the haven from the outside world.
It is the falling apart gray piece of junk.
It is the place I lay for TV.
It is a dirty filthy slob hangout.
It is the place I have slept on countless nights.
It is where I’ve spent lazy summer afternoons playing Super Nintendo.
It is where I’ve spent insomnia-filled nights watching exciting new informercials that will change my life.
It is where I’ve seen Howard Berg mega speed-read Rush Limbaugh blather.
It is where I’ve had stimulating conversations about TV and Super Nintendo games.
It is where I’ve spent at least 40 % of my life.
It is where I’ll be living in 10 years.
It is the symbol of laziness and idleness everywhere.
It is the place I’ve thought up many schemes to get rich after I’m a bum in the gutter.
It is the place I’ve seen countless TV movies, most of which are dumb.
It is the place I ran to when I skipped last summer’s wrestling camp to watch valuable television.
It is the thing that hasn’t been cleaned ever since its creation.
It is the place I’ve beaten Super Mario Brothers 15 times consecutively.
It is the place I hate to leave.
It is where I wanna be forever.
It is where several TV remote controls have been hiding for years.
It is the place I envision when I think of heaven.
It is the place with Kool-Aid stains, apple-sauce-mush, and salsa drippings all over it.
It is where I have spent lots of my time eating yummy gummy bears.
It is where I have eaten, and will continue to eat, five pounds of red licorice per week.
It is where I lay when I watch Bruce Lee movies with no plot.
It is where the Simpsons weekly influence my young and impressionable brain.
It is where I always want to be.
It is the place I love.

The Importance of Being Earnest Essay

Dear Readers,

I once met a retired Notre Dame English professor who said, “Grading student essays is penance for sin.”

Ha ha ha. It’s so true.

A long time ago I had to write this essay for my high school Drama class. Following regular procrasticnation protocol, I waited until the day it was due to start. But my telemoonfa side kicked in, making me finish it in a record time of less than five minutes. If memory serves me correctly, I originally received an F, 47 %, but then I argued with Mrs. Butler, the teacher, up to a D. Looking back, this is definitely one of my best essays in that class. Take notes, readers, because this is ideal laziness-induced essay.

By the way, the essay has five paragraphs, each with five sentences. That's very important.

The Importance of Being Earnest Essay

The play The Importance of Being Earnest by Oscar Wilde is a satire. A satire pokes fun at an institution. This play’s social merit is good. It makes valid social criticisms. Here is why I think so.

This a good play because it talks about important stuff like Bunburying. “Yes, poor Bunbury is a dreadful invalid.” (page 298) Algernon makes up an imaginary brother named Bunbury who is sick all the time to get out and into things. Bunbury is not real but some people think he is.

This satire pokes fun at dating and marriage and stuff. It is funny. Algernon wants to marry Cecily. Jack wants to marry Gwendolen. They both make up imaginary people to help them.

Lady Bracknell is a person in the play. She pokes fun at an institution. The instituition she pokes fun at is marriage. Algernon is also good. So is Jack.

In conclusion, the play pokes fun at an instituition. Jack and Algernon are funny in the play. That makes the play. The play is so funny that it made people laugh. People hope everyone will be happy in the play.

The End

Mrs. Butler wrote,

Telemoonfa, This is a “skimpy” paper that does not focus on a central thesis. You also have no quotations to support your ideas.

Ha ha ha.



Saturday, November 6, 2010

A Message to the Voters of America

Dear Readers,

I have a message for the millions of people who voted last Tuesday.

Thank you!

The election was historic! Generally speaking, the good guys won! Obama’s radical agenda will be stopped, or at least stalled.

I really do not think that Obama will win in 2012. I think we’ll have a Republican President in 2012, (I’m hoping for Mitt Romney or Sarah Palin or Chris Christie) and I think the Republicans will pick up many more Congressional seats. Like 40 more!

Of course we still need to have hotly contested primaries to get the RINOs out of power. We need conservative tea-party type candidates to beat the moderate Republicans.

Now, there were a few disappointments. I wish that Christine O Donnell had won in Delaware. I wish that Sharron Angle had beat Harry Reid in Nevada. I wish that Dino Rossi had beat Patty Murray in Washington state. I wish that Joe Miller had beat Lisa Murkowski in Alaska. (They’re still counting ballots, but it looks like Murkowski will win.)

I sort of wish Meg Whitman had beat Jerry Brown for California, and I sort of wish that Carly Fiorina had beat Barbara Boxer, but sometimes I think California is so far gone that it’s beyond redemption. I don’t think that Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina were real conservatives, but they probably would have been better than the Democrats. Whatever. At least Californians had the decency to keep marriage traditional and pot illegal.

Here in Arizona, I wish that Jesse Kelly had beat Gabrielle Giffords, and I wish that Ruth McClung had beat Raul Grijalva.

Ruth McClung is a rock-climber, a painter, a rocket scientist, a devout Christian, a conservative, and an attractive woman. Raul Grijalva, on the other hand, is a blubbery socialist. Grijalva called for a boycott of Arizona in response to SB 1070. And he supports a single-payer health care system. And the voters picked Grijalva. For shame. But the race was waaaaaay closer than it has been in the past. That’s a good sign. I think Ruth McClung or another Republican has a great chance at beating him in 2012.

But overall I want to say that I’m so happy with Tuesday’s results.

Russell Pearce, my conservative hero, is the new Arizona Senate President. Steve Smith beat Rebecca Rios (Hallelujah!) in my legislative district, and… long story short, Republicans run pretty much everything in Arizona now.

And Pinal County has turned Republican! For the first time since the dawn of time, Pinal County has more Republicans than Democrats! Bryan Martyn and Sheriff Paul Babeu were the first Republicans to win out here in Pinal County, a few years ago, but in the next few years, I bet all the elected Pinal County offices will be Republican. And that’s a good thing.

I think Pinal County’s shift from blue to red has to do with Obama being the President, and with the tea party movement, but I think a lot of it just has to do with a demographic and population shift. San Tan Valley, Maricopa city, and Casa Grande have grown like crazy over the past few years. Those cities are becoming more suburban. And for some reason, nice suburbs with Home-Owner’s Associations tend to be more conservative than inner-cities or poor, rural areas.

Thank you, American voters, for what you did last Tuesday.

I love my country.

The other day I went on a long bike ride. The weather was perfect. I hopped over a fence and went on some dirt paths that ran by electrical poles for a bit, and then I rode on Germann road. I rode past a huge dairy farm, a steel mill, acres and acres of cotton fields, a warehouse/factory looking place, a nursery, and a lime orchard. It seemed to go on forever. I loved seeing all that beautiful industry, all that beautiful work, all that beautiful production. The milk, the meat, the cotton, the limes, the plants, the steel – it was gorgeous.

America is beautiful and America is great.

And I don’t think that Barack Obama and most liberal Democratic politicians feel the same way about America that I do. But thankfully Americans voted in some really great men and women last Tuesday. Thankfully Americans voted in Marco Rubio. He gave a great and inspiring victory speech Tuesday night.

I wanted to put that victory speech on Telemoonfa Time, but due to technical difficulties, I can’t. But I’ll put another speech up, a speech that Marco Rubio gave at the last Conference of the Conservative Political Action Committee. It’s amazing. Enjoy.


Thursday, November 4, 2010

A Message to the Libertarian Voters in Arizona Congressional District 8

Dear Readers,

I have a message for the 9,524 people who voted for the Libertarian candidate in CD 8.

What were you thinking?! Do you realize that Jesse Kelley lost by 2,349 votes?

If only half of you 9,524 people would have voted for Jesse Kelly, he would have won! And you would have had a candidate who is much closer to your libertarian views heading to D.C. Instead you sent the liberal incumbent Gabby Giffords back to Washington. For shame!

Maybe Jesse Kelly doesn’t match your libertarian views when it comes to national defense and foreign policy, but neither does Gabby Giffords. And Jesse Kelly comes waaaaaay closer to matching your libertarian ideas of lower taxes and smaller government than Gabby Giffords does.

Gabby Giffords supports Obamacare and Cap and Trade. Those two issues alone should be reason enough for every Libertarian to vote her out of office.

The reason I’m addressing this blog post to Libertarians instead of to Democrats is because Libertarians are already certain that lower taxes and smaller, less intrusive government is the way to go. Democrats, on the other hand, think that higher taxes and bigger government is better. So I’m just not sure why you Libertarians can’t realize that your third-party candidate isn’t going to win, so you need to support the candidate that most closely fits your views and that has the best chance of winning. And that candidate is Jesse Kelly.

Honestly, I would have preferred Ian Gilyeat to be my Senator instead of John McCain. Ian Gilyeat has practically the exact same political philosophy that I do. But I didn’t vote for him because he had no chance of winning, and because voting for him would just encourage him and people like him to run again.

Libertarians, don’t you like Ron Paul? He’s basically a libertarian, but he became a Republican. Why? Because Ron Paul’s a smart man, and early on he learned that there is a two-party system in this country. Third parties don’t work. Don’t waste your time with them.

(The numbers I used in this post were from the Arizona’s Secretary of State’s website and were accurate at the time of this writing. It’s possible that Jesse Kelly will still actually win, but it’s not looking so good right now.)


Monday, November 1, 2010

from the land of the scorpions

The man who wants to eat a hamburger
isn’t registered to vote.
He is a Beast of the Power of the Air.

He’s humming to himself.
He wants a hamburger,
but he nibbles a leaf,
and he’s humming to himself.

Hm, hmmm, hmmmm, hmmmmm…

Bop! bop! bop! bop! bop!

Hm, hmmm, hmmmm, hmmmmm…

Bop! bop! bop! bop! bop!

It’s a tune he got from a radio one day,
on an a.m. station broadcasting live
from the land of the scorpions.

Somebody large in that red house-
Somebody large and hidden-
had played it especially for the hungry man.

That day he slowed his steps to listen.
He put one knee on the sidewalk,
untied, tied, untied, then tied
his left shoe shoelaces,
so as to not look suspicious.

The tune struck him.
His jaw went loose.
He put both hands inside his heart.
All the way inside.

His arms and fingers spread wide.
His body moved forward and upward.

He is a Beast of the Power of the Air.