Friday, April 30, 2010

Marco Rubio!

Dear Readers,

I can't overstate Marco Rubio's importance right now.

He's amazing.

He's fantastic.

He's righteous.

He's just what the Senate needs.

It seems that Marco Rubio has descended from the sky, bearing the torch of patriotism and conservatism...

He's honest.

He's pure.

He stands up for American greatness.

He stands up for God.

He expresses himself so well, so passionately, hearing him talk about America is like feeling the warmth of the morning sun.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Obama's Proposed Program Poised for Economic Boost

Dear Readers,

Below is a transcript of President Obama’s speech, as delivered at a press conference in Washington D.C. on April 28th, 2010. In it Obama offers a rationale for and a brief outline of his latest proposed social program, Justice Offered Benevolently (JOB).

-begin transcript-

My fellow Americans, as we already know, we face tough economic times. Top economists categorize our time as almost as harsh as the Great Depression. Almost. Thankfully, we have that qualifier. Almost.

Top economists also tell us that if it had not been for the bold and swift Congressional action, in the form of the jobs bill, perhaps we would now be seeing those dark days of Depression. Thankfully, we have not arrived at that juncture. The economy is recovering.

But despite the concerted, carefully calculated efforts of Congress and the executive branch, and despite the efforts of the masses of hard-working American citizens, our national economy is still in trouble. Let me be clear: America is recovering. But our stance remains wobbly. If no further action is taken, our unstable economic footing could collapse. If we do nothing, one fierce financial tectonic shift could send our country flying headfirst down Depression road. In clear terms, inaction on our part will lead to a double-dip recession. Not only is that what the top economists tell us, that’s what common sense tells us. [swats at fly, misses]

A double dip recession is what we must stand up against, together, to secure for our children a prosperous future, and to maintain our prominent role on the world stage. [swats at fly, gets it]

That was pretty good, huh? [laughs]

[abruptly gives evil stare to reporter] That is why today I am introducing new legislation, a new social program, if you will, that would revolutionize the way we think about earning money and helping the national economy blossom. I call this new program Justice Offered Benevolently, or JOB, for short.

[forced chuckle] My staff helped me title it, by the way. Glad to see those creative writing degrees being put to good use.

[back to serious-mode] With JOB, people will work for the money they earn. Once they earn the money, they can save it or spend it however they want. The money they spend, on whatever they want, will naturally create more jobs for people who offer goods and services, in exchange for money.

With JOB, there is no need for government workers to regulate various markets. No company will be favored over another via tax breaks or special laws. No business will be deemed “too big to fail.” Under this program, companies may come and companies may go, but that is OK, because if we save for a rainy day, we will all be more prosperous. The free-market laws of supply and demand will work out the details.

With JOB, there will be no price fixing. We will not pay farmers to plow under their acres of corn while children starve. Instead, 75% of the government workers will fire themselves and get jobs in the private sector. The remaining 25% of us will stay in Washington D.C. and fingerpaint, and, if they so choose, create macaroni noodle necklaces. I plan to paint my necklace black. But the color of these macaroni noodle necklaces is not important. What's important is that we government workers will keep ourselves looking busy while the private sector figures out all the details. With JOB, employers and employees, working independently of the government, will arrange the details of working hours, working conditions, pay, and other matters. [bows to king of small Middle Eastern country, who happens to pass by]

The best part about this new social program is that it will require virt- virt- virsh- [garbled speech] Gee whiz, I'm talking like I'm in the special olympics. I think I'm all wee-weed up.

As I was saying, JOB will require virtually no oversight on the government’s part. And it will be implemented right now in all 57 states.

Thank you, and God Bless America.

-end transcript-


Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I got a job!

Dear Readers,


Starting next week or the week after that, I'll be working in a factory/warehouse called Severtson Corporation in Mesa, Arizona. I'll be manufacturing movie screens, and packing up boxes and getting things shipped out to the right places and stuff like that... um... I don't know exactly what I'll be doing, but I think I'll like it.

And the way I got the job is faith promoting. Let me tell the spiritual story.

As you may know, the teaching thing hasn't been working out too well for me. Last quarter was pretty good, but this quarter my classes have gone downhill, academically and behaviorally, and I'm often stressed out and angry and frustrated and annoyed with kids these days.

Sometimes I still think that maybe teaching could work out for me, but mostly I think that I should pursue other things. Anyway, I found out about 3 weeks ago that I got laid off, so I would not have a job at the middle school next school year. (Budget cuts, you know. About 6 or 7 other first and second year teachers got laid off, too.) So... I started looking around for other jobs, which is kind of depressing and frustrating, especially for a guy like me who has a ton of liberal arts college credits but not a lot of useful skills, and especially in this economy when it seems like there are a hundred guys going after every job.

I mean, I was thinking about becoming a caregiver or a nurse or a truck driver or a UPS delivery person or a package handler… (I went on a tour of a huge UPS hub in Phoenix. Remind me to tell you about that sometime.) I didn’t know what to do with my life, and I have been kind of jaded and sad and stuff... confused... because for the past 4 or 5 years, and longer, even, I've told people that I want to be a teacher, and I went to all that school to become a teacher... but anyway… I just want what a lot of people want: a steady job, a reliable paycheck, some benefits, a way to provide for my wife and kid, and my future children.

Here's where the spiritual part comes in. My wife visit-taught a lady, we'll call her Bichelle, who works for Paychex, a company that handles payroll for a lot of different companies. (Visit teaching is where Mormons go visit other local Mormons to share a spiritual message and socialize.) One of the companies Bichelle does payroll for is Severston Corporation, which is a company that manufactures and sells and distributes movie screens that are especially good for projecting 3D movies on to.

(The story of how the company started is very wonderful and American, by the way. The company started from a painter who was experimenting in his kitchen with a bunch of different types of paint. Well, he ended up inventing a new kind of paint alloy stuff that makes 3D Movies look extra cool-looking! And he's Mormon and he's got 10 kids, I think.)

During one visiting teaching visit, my wife told Bichelle that I got laid off. Bichelle told her to tell me about Severtson, which was hiring. Bichelle even went so far as to call one of the managers at Severtson and give me a good recommendation. My wife said that her and Bichelle had a close spiritual connection. My wife and her visiting teaching companion actually fasted for Bichelle for a special reason.

So, isn't it amazing that the visiting teaching supervisor just happened to have my wife visit teach Bichelle? And isn't amazing that my wife just happened to mention to Bichelle that I was looking for a job? And isn't it amazing that I got the job?

The faithless will call this story a coincidence, but I call it evidence of God's involvement in my life.

Other small miracles convince me that Heavenly Father was involved in me getting this job.

Small Miracle One: The scheduling of the interview

Right now I work in the mornings and my wife works in the afternoon and evenings. It's nice that we don't have to put our child in day care, but it's hard to arrange a good time for interviews. And since Severston is a good 1/2 hour or 45 minutes away, the interview pretty much needed to be at noon. When I called to schedule a time to fill out an application and have an interview, the manager said, "Can you come in tomorrow at noon?"

And I said "Yeah" and I thought, "Wow, what a coincidence- I didn't even tell them that I needed to have the interview around noon, and out of all the times in the day to have an interview, the manager chose noon!"

Small Miracle Two: Finding the interview location

I remember I didn't know if I had the right address when I went to the interview. I just got the address of Severtson Corporation in an email from Bichelle, and since the company is a factory/warehouse they don't really advertise their address or have a big sign or anything... and I forgot to ask them for precise directions to the place over the phone, and I'm new to the Phoenix metropolitan area...

Well, I googled the address that Bichelle gave me and it led me to a huge complex, where lots of businesses were. I got to the place and drove around, and I didn't see where I was supposed to go. I drove around to the back and saw some guy working in some kind of warehouse place, and I asked him if he had ever heard of Severtson. He said no, but he knew there were some new businesses near the front of the complex, and maybe I should check in there.

I thought, "Great, Bichelle gave me the wrong address, and now I’ll probably have to go across town to their real location, and I'll probably be late.” I had the company's phone number on me, so I wanted to call them to get the right directions, but I don't have a cell phone.

So I decided to walk in to the most convenient little store or whatever in the massive industrial complex and ask them pretty please to use their phone. I parked in front of a random door. I walked up to the door, and there I saw a little piece of paper taped to the door that said, "Severtson Corporation!"

So I was right there! And I found it!

When I walked in to the place and sat down, I felt the Spirit very strongly, like I was in the right place.

I believe that my life is divinely guided. I try to say my prayers and read my scriptures and go to church and go to the temple and be a good follower of Jesus Christ. I’m so thankful that I got this job. I’m not sure if I can really support a family on it and let my wife be a stay-at-home-Mom, but maybe with raises and overtime I can. And for right now, it feels like the right thing to do.

Thanks for reading, remember to say your prayers, and I’ll see you later.


Monday, April 26, 2010

Telemoonfa Just Got Birther-er!

Dear Readers,

I think I’m really a birther now!

Boy oh boy, I just keep delving further and further into wacky conservative territory, the land on the far-far-far right side of the map.

I used to think that the birthers - those who question Barack Obama’s eligibility to serve as President because he wasn’t really born in America and the US Constitution says that you have to be a “natural born citizen”- I used to think those people were crazy.

And I used to think that in order to really be taken seriously in the political arena, and in order to really get anything done, you had to distance yourself from the loony fringy people; I thought you had to denounce the birthers as heretics.

Well, I still sort of think that. And if I ever run for public office, I'll probably erase this blog post and deny ever being a birther, and I'll probably deny having any sort of connection with anyone who had anything to do with birthers, and in fact I'm denying my own birther status now... I'm not a birther. I'm sensible, and bipartisan. If I ever run for public office, I'll probably say something like, "I was not aware of any kind of group who questions Obama's eligibility, but I do encourage the people to exercise their right to stand up and let their voices be heard, and that's why I'm running for _______________ (insert public office title here) because I want to stand up against all that does not sparkle."

But now I’m seeing the birthers in a different light. Well, I don’t know any of them personally, but I did see a guy at a Tea Party who was holding a sign that said, “Where’s the birth certificate?” So I guess he was a birther. And I guess I “met” him. We didn’t say anything to each other, but he seemed nice.

I’m having second thoughts about birthers mostly because they’re gaining political power. As many of you know, the so-called “birther bill” passed in the Arizona House of Representatives 31 to 22 recently. (But it wasn’t a formal vote- I don’t get it.)

But 31 to 22! 31 Arizona representatives thought the birther bill was a great idea!

Now, you know as well as I do that the government isn’t made up of far-right crazies. People who launch political campaigns and win are well-groomed, socially acceptable people. Or they can at least act well-groomed and socially acceptable during the campaign. The Arizona legislators, unlike the conspiracy theorist stereotype, aren’t pale guys living in their mother’s basements. The members of the Arizona House of Representatives are very normal, sensible people.

And they passed the birther bill!

So maybe this birther conspiracy theory isn’t so crazy after all.

Remember, global warming skeptics were once viewed as being as crazy as the birthers. But now that more evidence is coming out, global warming skeptics aren’t so lonely anymore. There’s lots of ‘em!

By the way, I nearly got sick on Earth Day at the public middle school where I work. Of course there are recycle bins everywhere, and there’s an environmental club there, and the principal (who is a great Catholic and who likes the Beatles and who likes to golf) said over the intercom during morning announcements, “The environmental club would like to remind you to tell your parents to use reusable bags at the grocery store. Many stores give you 5 cents off your bill per bag for every reusable bag you use, every time you use those bags. Use reusable grocery bags. Save money, and save the earth.”

I actually make it a point not to recycle in my classroom. And when I’m in the office, and I mess up on making photocopies, and I see the brown trash bin and the green or blue recycle bin, both within arm's reach… I THROW THE PAPER IN THE TRASH CAN!!!

Ha ha ha.

I remember one time in English 105: Critical Reading and Writing in the University Community, my class was having a discussion about morality and stuff, and one guy said, “I think I’m a pretty good person. Like, I’m not going to litter on purpose, or like, purposefully not recycle…” and so the touchstone for morality for this guy was whether or not someone litters or recycles.


Just like the ranks of the global warming deniers are growing, the birther ranks are growing. Hey, there’s at least 31 of them in the Arizona House of Representatives!

The fact is, Barack Obama has a mysterious past and a lot of sealed records.

We need Aslan, the Lion from The Chronicles of Narnia, to swim across the Pacific, and go to Hawaii. Then Aslan needs to chomp off the Hawaiian Governor’s head. Then Aslan needs to join forces with Orly Taitz to shine a light on the secret Government files, (It can be just like the X-Files) and then we’ll finally know for sure where Barack Obama was born.

I’m speaking metaphorically, by the way. I don't really want Aslan to chomp off anyone's head. That would be illegal.


Report on the Panel Meeting on San Tan Valley Incorporation

Dear Readers,

Last Saturday morning I went to a panel discussion on the possibility of San Tan Valley incorporation.

Factual Report.

It happened at the Encanterra Country Club on Combs Road from 9 to 11 last Saturday morning.

On the panel was Bryan Martyn, the Pinal County supervisor of district 2, the town manager of Florence, Arizona, um… I think a Queen Creek government guy and a Maricopa city government guy…

I’d say there were about 300 people there.

The whole meeting consisted of people writing down questions on index cards and giving them to a moderator, who would read them out loud, and then one of the panel members would respond. But Bryan Martyn ended up talking most of the time.

My feelings about the meeting, and about other similar meetings.

I went in to the meeting this morning thinking, “No, I’d rather not incorporate,” and I left there thinking, “No, I’d still rather not incorporate.” But even though it didn’t change my views, I’m glad I went.

I really want to start going to more town hall meetings, Home Owner’s Association meetings, political meetings, and etc., because… I don’t know why. Partly because going to government meetings is free entertainment and free intellectual stimulation. And it’s nice to be around people, particularly the type of people who go to government meetings.

I do feel kind of powerless at those meetings, though. I sit in the audience and stay quiet and the important people up on the stage talk and talk and talk, and they have very good public speaking skills. And then the important people go into executive session. The important people close their doors, the public is refused entrance, and the important people end up making all the decisions.

I know I live in a representative democracy, and I know my vote and my opinion count, but I still feel powerless sometimes.

One time when I felt the most powerless was in 2007, when I went to a student government meeting at Northern Arizona University. I was trying to get the powers that be to stop the construction of a $60,000,000 health and wellness complex, using a new student fee to pay for it. From the meeting I got the impression that it was already a done deal, and they weren’t really interested in hearing my opinion.

After the meeting I remember talking to one of the ladies who was dressed up really nice and seemed to be in charge of things. (If I remember correctly, she was a speaker in the student government meeting who said that most of the student survey results had come in and it was looking like the student body was in favor of the Health and Wellness Center being built.)

I asked the lady, as she was on her way out of the meeting, “Do you have any suggestions for how I can stop this building from being built?”

She gave me a really dirty look and said, “Did you fill out the survey?”

I said, “Yeah.”

She kind of shrugged, and looked away, or looked at her watch, or started walking away, and I said, “… so… I guess that’s all I can do?”

And she nodded and walked away. Or maybe she said something condescending like, “Well, yes, little college student, if you filled out the little survey that you got in your student email, then we already heard your voice.”

Of course I was asking the wrong person for advice on how to stop the building. That would be like asking Barack Obama, “Do you have any ideas about how we can defeat you in the 2012 elections?”

I’m still kind of upset about that whole new fee-funded building on NAU. I wrote a letter to the editor a while back about it. Last time I was in Flagstaff I saw them working on the building.

The process for getting the building built and imposing a new student fee was messed up.

They, the proponents of the new building and fee, set up a booth and handed out surveys at the recreation center, where the students (mostly athletes and Greek-life types) are more likely to support it. Would they have been as successful if they set up the booth in the liberal arts building, a building typically populated by non-athletic people? Or would they have been as successful in the Business building, where students tend to lean to the right? Probably not. And so the proponents of the new Health and Wellness building were not looking for a genuine representation of the NAU students- they were looking for a certain type of college student to get support from.

And the survey didn't get much publicity. It was in an email, and a lot of students just delete emails like that.

And the rhetoric on the survey was atrocious. It showed all these wonderful pictures of beautiful people working out. It showed rows of weightlifiting equipment and stuff, and the survey asked questions like, “Don’t you think it’s important to be healthy?” and “Would you be more likely to exercise if you had a state-of-the-art sports/exercise facility right on campus?” and “Do you think that staying in shape is part of a good education?” And “Did you know that people who routinely work out get better grades" (See, you can find statisitics to back up anything you want) and then at the end of the survey they were like, “Oh, by the way, there’s going to be this tiny student fee to pay for the new Health and Wellness Complex. It will be $250 per student per semester for the next 30 years, and even if you go to school at an NAU campus in Yuma, and so would never use the darn facility, you'll still have to help pay for it... but don’t worry about those little details because the new building is going to be so awesome! Look at these pictures of the cool Health and Wellness Center that the University in Las Vegas has! We need one too!”

Back to the way I felt about that meeting at NAU- I felt as though I was a lowly college student. I had no connections. All I had was an opinion about fiscal conservativism, and the well-dressed woman had all the king's horses and all the king's men.

And when I think about the injustice that is the new Health and Wellness Center at NAU, righteous indignation swells within me. And to get along, I have to put my faith in the justice that will be served, and the mercy that will be extended, when Jesus gets back.

The NAU students who come after me will not know about the fight I waged. They will not know that I gave some of my time and effort to try to save them some money. And saving them money is saving them power and freedom.

But a lot of students don’t see things that way. A lot of them have rich parents, and a lot of them don’t really care about how expensive tuition is, and a lot of them are stoned.

Back to my thoughts on the San Tan Valley meeting...

it was nice to see my fellow citizens and to see all those people act so civilly. They were all polite and respectful and mature- what a stark contrast it was to my middle school drama classroom!

I just really want to emphasize that it’s nice to see people who disagree be nice to each other, and it’s nice to see so many people who have an interest in their government, and who want to have a say in how it gets run, because they realize that the government derives its power from the consent of the governed.

Increasing Sparkle

I guess I feel like going to meetings and voting and such is a civic duty, and because I want to help America sparkle.

See, America isn't sparkling very much right now, and it should sparkle more. America's sparkle was at 67 % when Bush was in office, and now our sparkle is down to 49%. So if we want to get our sparkle up to at least 80%, then we all need to do our part.

The Neon Force That Beckons Me

There’s some kind of force that’s leading me into politics. It’s becoming a passion or an obsession, and I don’t know if it’s healthy or not.

But back to reporting on the panel meeting…

It was held from 9-11 in the Encanterra Country Club Event Center, which was like a big fancy ball room. I mean this place was really fancy. Really nice-looking expensive chairs, and beautiful light fixtures. I kind of liked it, but I also don’t like that type of place very much because I feel out of place.

And there were no children anywhere.

I went with my daughter, and it was hard for me to concentrate because I was worried about her fussing the whole time. I actually had to leave halfway through the meeting.

Um... sorry I'm not a very good reporter. I kind of drifted around and stuff... but I learned some interesting stuff about how San Tan Valley got its name, and how some of the boundaries were determined, and I heard about some of the complications surrounding the possible annexation of the Ironwood Banner Hospital by the Town of Queen Creek... it was educational.

At least, I felt more educated after I left. As to whether or not the meeting was really educational, who can say?

The actual arguments about possible San Tan Valley incorporation

One of the great questions from the audience was, "I'm retired, and I don't really care about schools, roads, libraries or any services that a city offers. Why should I vote for incorporation?"

And Bryan Martyn answered something like, "Well, frankly, it sounds like you shouldn't vote for it."

It all comes down to what kind of services people want from their government. If the people really want more matching road signs, more sidewalks, a library, a city pool, more parks, some public art, and more government workers who don't work very much but get paid a lot, and they are willing to pay for that stuff through more taxes, (or, maybe more accurately, are willing to force other people to pay for that stuff) then yeah, I guess they should vote yes on incorporation. But, if you'd like more freedom and less government, then vote no on San Tan Valley incorporation.

I feel like repeating my most powerful argument against incorporation- we can always do it later. But once we incorporate, we can never unincorporate.

Bottom line, I'll be voting no on San Tan Valley incorporation, and you should too.


Rand Paul gives a Great Tea Party Speech

Dear Readers,

Boy, there's nothing like a good tea party speech. Here's a great one I found on Youtube today. It's from last year, but the message is as fresh as April 26, 2010 It's by Rand Paul, who is running for the Senate in Kentucky. Rand Paul is the son of Ron Paul, and it seems like Rand is a chip off the old block. All you Kentuckians should vote for him. That's my opinion.


Thursday, April 22, 2010

Dear Arizona Senators,

Dear Readers,

Here's a letter I just sent to John McCain:

Senator John McCain,

Please vote no on Senate Bill 3217, Restoring American Financial Stability Act of 2010.

The title of that bill sounds good; I would love financial stability to be restored in America, but what follows the title in over 1,400 pages will be more likely to destroy financial stability, unless by "financial stability" you mean "everyone is consistently poor."

I feel that giving more power to the federal reserve is dangerous, and it will lead to less prosperity and to the weakening of the American Dream.

I know I can count on you to make the right conservative choice. But I thought I would write to you anyway.

By the way, if you vote yes on Senate Bill 3217, I'll be voting for JD Hayworth this November.

Thank you.


The last part of my letter is funny. I said if he votes yes on Senate Bill 3217, then I'll be voting for JD Hayworth. What he doesn't know is that even if he votes no on Senate Bill 3217, I'll still be voting for JD Hayworth.

Ha ha ha!

I am so clever!

I also sent this same letter, with a few changes, to Jon Kyl, my other Senator.


Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Arizona's gotten righter! (and birther stuff)

Dear Readers,

It's an exciting time to be an Arizonan. It's even more exciting to be a conservative in Arizona!

Some good conservative things are being done in my home state, specifically in the areas of second ammendment rights, illegal immigration and verifying the natural-born status of our President.


Pretty soon in Arizona you're not going to need a concealed weapon permit to have a concealed weapon! Arizona joins Alaska and Vermont in adopting the "constitutional carry."

So tuck them guns away, boys, and burn up them government permits!



A tougher law on illegal immigration might be signed into law by Governer Brewer pretty soon. I'm all for human rights, and I have compassion on those who are just seeking a better life for their families by coming to America to work.

But we really need to curtail illegal immigration because it causes a lot of problems.

(Sheesh, what an understatement that was!)


A bill is working its way through the Arizona Congress that would require candidates to provide proof of natural born status before they can get on the ballot. If the "birther bill" passes, then Obama will have to provide his original long form birth certificate to the Arizona secretary of state. I think that's the way it works, anyway.

I really hope the bill passes. Not because I don't think that Obama was born in Hawaii, (I tend to believe that Obama is a natural born citizen) but I hope the bill passes for the political entertainment that will ensue.

If it passes, I really want to see what happens.

Won't it be crazy if the bill passes, and then in 2012 when Obama tries to campaign in Arizona, he can't, because his name isn't even on the ballot? I suppose Obama could say, "Just write my name in," but that's dumb. He wouldn't do that.

I wonder if Obama will even bother campaigning in Arizona in 2012. I don't think he has much of a chance of beating a Republican here, especially with the way the polls are going.

Ha! If the bill becomes law, I could picture Obama saying, "You know what, if Arizona is going to be so backward that they're going to waste taxpayer money and valuable legislative time to, as they put it, 'verify my eligiblity,' when I have already laid these issues to rest, then I won't even campaign in Arizona. I shouldn't have to stoop to these immature levels. I'm above such things. Let's move on with hope and transparancey and change and wonderfulness and look deep into my eyes while I talk to you..."

And then the birthers will say, "See! We told you, America! Obama is not a natural born citizen!"

And then the Obama zombies will say, "Oh yes, Obama, you shouldn't have to prove your citizenship. You're the mighty Obama! We're sorry we questioned you!"

But really, if the birther bill passes, and then if Obama refuses to present his super-duper geniune birth certificate to the Arizona government, won't that be a huge boost to the birther movement? I know I'd join the birther ranks!

I wish Obama would just post his super-duper official birth certificate on the Internet. (I know he posted one, but it was only his almost-official birth certificate, not the super-duper official one.)

Or I wish Obama would say something like, "Look, I don't have my super-duper official long form birth certificate anymore. My Mom lost it. And the government house of records in Hawaii that had the other copy of my super-duper official long form birth certificate burnt down."

But he hasn't said anything like that. I wish he would give some clear answers.

But Obama doesn't give clear answers. Instead he just ignores the issue or says stuff like, "Of course I'm a natural born citizen. Let me clear up any confusion. I am now assuring you with my words, with my word of honor, that I am qualified to hold the office that I now hold. Be assured that the proper authorities have seen to it that I am not a counterfit President."

Yeah, Obama says, "These citizenship issues have already been resolved," just like he says, "The science behind climate change is settled."

And check this out: According to this article in World Net Daily, Obama has spent "hundreds of thousands of dollars to avoid releasing a state birth certificate that would put to rest all of the questions."

Hmmm... OK, I just read some stuff on Wikipedia and Snopes, and it seems like Obama was really born in Hawaii.

Oh wait, now I just read some other stuff, and it seems like Obama was born in Kenya.

OK, OK, most everybody else is saying that Obama was born in Hawaii, so, you know what? There are more important things to think about, so... I'll just say that he was born in Hawaii, OK?

OK, now that that's settled, I don't have to think about it anymore. And now my neighbors won't think I'm crazy, now that I'm certain that Obama is a natural born citizen of the United States.

Hmm... It really is better for my social life if I just believe that Obama was born in Hawaii.

Here I am believing... here I am believing...

Look! I see people! People smiling, and coming towards me!

They want to be my friends!

They are two men, and their names are Hal and Patrick. I've made more friends already!

Hello Hal!

Hello Patrick!

Boy, Hal and Patrick, isn't it great to be sure that Obama is a natural born citizen? Gosh, it just makes me feel swell. By the way, I like cars that go fast, and how about those television programs?

Hal and Patrick, I like objectifying women, especially the really pretty ones, what about you?

Yep, I sure do enjoy looking at cars that go fast. In fact I would like to drive a very fast car one day. One of the red ones. And I enjoy entertaining programs that come on the television set as well, as do you fine gentlemen. And we all enjoy the appearances of female supermodels, don't we?

Boy, Hal and Patrick, I sure am sure that Obama was born in Hawaii. And, Hal and Patrick, I sure am sure that there are no issues at all about how maybe our true-blue President didn't ever release his very official long-form birth certificate. See, I don't worry about that issue just because we're all so sure about where Obama was born.

There's no reason to be upset, because we're all so certain about that issue. We don't have the proof about Obama's citizenship, but who needs proof when you have blissful certainty?

Hey, Hal? Where are going?

Patrick, Patrick?

Don't leave me Patrick! Come back!!! Please!!! Come back!!!

Why won't you stay?

Hal and Patrick, come back to me.

Well, Hal and Patrick are gone. I bet you scared them away, reader.

OK, let's just say that Obama was really really really born in Hawaii. But still, Hawaii, you know, is like, borderline America.

Think about it. Hawaii was the last state admitted to the Union, it's really far away from the rest of us, there's a bunch of people there that surf and eat spam and smoke pot all day, they have a strange culture... wouldn't you feel more comfortable with a President from Texas, the heartland of the United States? Wouldn't you feel more comfortable with a President who knew how to square dance rather than hula dance?

Or wouldn't you rather have a President be born in Pennsylvania? I mean, Pennsylvania was one of the original 13 colonies; it's got a cracked liberty bell and Johnny Appleseed and Paul Bunyan lived there, too.

But Hawaii, um... the jury's still out on whether or not Hawaii is really truly American.


Whether or not Obama is a natural born citizen, I see the birther movement as just one expression of the general mistrust of our President. A lot of people don't like what he's doing. A lot of people know that Obama lies. He said he would put the whole health care debate thing on CSPAN, and he said he would make sure that everybody had a chance to read the health care bill before they voted on it. Those were lies.

And remember Mr. Obama, when I sort of thanked you for allowing us to drill, baby, drill? Well, I take my thanks back, because now I think that you really won't let us drill for oil domestically. I think it was all a trick! You seem bent on making America weaker!

Well I for one am going to do something about it! I'm going to pound these exclamation marks into my keyboard:


And now I'm going to make some more exclamation marks, but this time they're gonna be bold!


You think you've had enough? Well, you ain't seen nothing yet! Because this time I'm going to write even more bold exclamation marks, that are in a bigger font!


Had enough, yet, Mr. Obama? Or should I break out the font color change? You want me to go all red on you? OK, here goes:


Take that!


I got laid off

Dear Readers,

I got laid off from my job as a middle school drama teacher.

About five or six other first-year teachers got laid off, too, from the middle school. The principal made it clear that it was because of budget cuts, and not because of my performance. He said he would write me a letter of reccomendation.

That's nice.

I bet that if I wouldn't have quit at the high school last October, I would have been able to work there again next year.

In a way it's sad, but in another way, I'm glad.

I've got a few job leads that I'm working on.


I recently sent this email to a lady (I'll call her "Y") who is in charge of professional development for first and second year teachers at the school where I teach.


I don’t think I’ll be attending the meeting, and I don’t think I’ll complete the BEST program. I got laid off. And I’m not planning on being a teacher again next year, anywhere. I don’t think teaching is for me. Of course I’ll still try to do an OK job for the next 5 weeks, though.

This semester has been a little better than last semester, but I wanted to say that you were right- a whole month of rehearsals made classroom management a big issue again. I did teach a few mini-lessons like you suggested, and tried to keep the students meaningfully busy while others were rehearsing, but in order to get these plays ready on time, we need to devote large chunks of class time to rehearsals, and the classes are getting pretty squirrelly and blah blah blah. But I’m handling it pretty well. The show must go on.

Thanks for all your help. You really did help me while I was here. I can tell you really care about teaching and I can tell that you’re a great teacher. I’ve been really impressed with a lot of the teachers around here. They do an amazing job. Both my mentors, ----------- at the high school and --------- at the middle school were wonderful teachers.

I feel like I ought to apologize to the district for not doing the job I said I would do when I got hired. I feel very ashamed of the things that went on in my classroom because I was not doing a good job with classroom management. Very ashamed. I feel ashamed of the way some of my students treated each other on my watch. They were very disrespectful to each other. And I feel ashamed of the way I let some students treat me sometimes. And I feel ashamed of the way I robbed my students of the good educational experience they deserve.

There were a few positive things that happened in my classes, though. There were times when good things were happening and I think the students learned at least a little bit.

And I feel like I ought to apologize to you for wasting a lot of your time. It must be frustrating to work on developing first year teachers, and then to have them quit/get laid off or whatever.

Well, again, thanks for all your help Y, and I’ll see you later.



Jeff Smith!

Dear Readers,

Remember how Jeff Flake is a pretty good conservative Representative, but he's not a really great conservative Representative?

I first got to like Jeff Flake because he's Republican and Mormon, but now I'm having a change of heart about him. JD Hayworth didn't have great things to say about him, and I have a great respect for JD, and Jeff Flake skipped the Cap and Trade vote, and I think that Flake has been in Congress for long enough.

Well, this there's this other guy running against him who I'm going to vote for.

The other guy's name is Jeff Smith.

At first I didn't want to consider voting for someone other than Jeff Flake, because, like I said, Flake has been pretty conservative- he's made a lot of good votes, he doesn't mess around when it comes to earmarks, and he's Mormon.

But Jeff Smith is also Mormon!

And Jeff Smith sounds really conservative, he has an MBA, he goes to all the tea parties, and he has a lot of experience in the private sector, and I think he's got my vote.

Here's his website:


Friday, April 16, 2010

Tea Party April 15 2010!

Dear Readers,

Yesterday I was a bold political activist! I went to a TEA party at Founders Park in Queen Creek from 6-8:30 pm. These are the signs that I made and waved around:

Do you get it? It's sort of based off of a song by the artist currently known as Prince. You know, the one that goes, "Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1999." Well, I changed 1999 to 1776 to be all patriotic and stuff, because 1776 is America's B-day!

I made this sign because I wanted to show the world that tea party activists are smart people who know what's in the Constitution. So I quoted from the U.S. Constituition and used elipses correctly and everything.

See, it bugged me when Democratic Representative Alcee Hastings from Florida said about the health care bill going through Congress, "We make up the rules as we go along." And Democratic Representative Phil Hare from Illinois said, "I don't worry about the Constitution on this." That unpatriotic, un-American statement was also said in relation to the health care bill.

So, I thought I would remind the Representatives and Senators "and all executive and judicial Officers" that if they don't support the Constitution, that's unconstitutional. Because it says very clearly in the Constitution that everybody in all three branches of government has to support the Constitution. And all these public officers took an oath to uphold and defend the Constitution when they were sworn in to office.

These public officers are breaking their oaths, and we need to hold them accountable by replacing them this November with conservative Republican candidates!

Of course, some could argue that Alcee Hastings, Phil Hare, Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid are upholding and defending the Constitution, even while they are dragging the nation down the dark path of socialism and bankruptcy. Some people interpret the Constitution in wacky ways.

Speaking of interpreting the Constitution in wacky ways, remember Roe v. Wade? In that case, the Supreme Court decided that there was a right to abortion in the Constitution all along. Abortion was part of privacy rights or something. I think I heard Michael Medved say that one of the Supreme Court justices who heard Roe v. Wade said that the right to abortion was an "emanation of a penumbra."

Gosh, an emanation of a penumbra.

That makes the Constitution seem really metaphysical. It makes it seem like only the mystical elders, trained in the dark arts of constitutional review, can hear the secret whispers coming from the Constitution.

The Supreme Court has way too much power.

Sometimes I wonder if the Supreme Court should even have the authority of constitutional review at all. Maybe Congress should vote on whether or not something is constitutional. At least Congress is sort of accountable to the people. They have their jobs on the line. The justices of the Supreme Court are there for life, and they don't have any constituents to worry about. They don't really answer to anybody. And if you get a lot of liberal activist judges up there, they can really change the laws of the nation fast.

Or maybe the people should vote on whether or not something is constitutional. Of course, maybe that would be impracticle. That would require a whole lot of voting. But I think it would be nice if the people could vote on whether or not something was constitutional or not. I think the Constitution was written so that anybody with a high-school education can understand it. I think the people, in a democratic type of vote, could apply the Constitution to new cases that arise. The three options that the people could choose for each case should be:

1] Yes, X is constitutional.

2] No, X is unconstitutional.

3] A lack of information constrains us to acknowledge that we cannot determine if X is constitutional or unconstitutional. Therefore, a Constitutional ammendment is required

(Maybe I should go to law school. I do enjoy reading the Constitution and thinking about what it means. But I don't want to get into way too much debt to go to law school, and I worry that I won't like it. A lot of law stuff is boring.)

I had a lot of other good ideas for signs, like...

I’m not fringey, I’m friendly.


Obama aint my mama (held by a child)

Obama is a sith lord (most effective if held by a person costumed as a sith lord)

Obama drinks from the wells of Communism

A spectre is haunting America…and I’m a Ghostbuster!

I like my presidents all black

Obama is a Kenyan Muslim terrorist

Hey Congress, don’t spend more than you make.

Hey Congress, fire most of your workers

Geitner belongs in Gitmo

Socialism hurts children

Bankruptrcy is the new Black

I don’t like paying taxes

Excuse me, I really don’t appreciate the way my tax dollars are being spent.

We the People

Taxation without Representation is an Obama-nation

Repeal the Health Care Bill

Stay away from my Guns

My heart wanted change, now my pocket wants change

Obama is hopey and changey…I wish he was impeachy

Don’t worry, I dislike his white half, too

Vote for fiscal conservatives

Read my sign: No new taxes

Washington failed Economics 101

The Founding Fathers would be ashamed

I can’t find a right to health insurance in the Constitution

The right to abortion is an emanation of a penumbra

I'd say there were 500-700 people there. But it was very different from the tea party I went to in Flagstaff last year. The tea party in Flagstaff was a public demonstration- it was held alongside Route 66, which is the major road through Flagstaff, and we were trying to get the attention of the passersby. (Passerbys ? you know... the plural of passerby... the people walking and driving by.)

The tea party in Queen Creek, on the other hand, was more like a gathering for likeminded people. But it was great.
Oh, and I took it upon myself to stand on a much-traveled intersection near my house holding the a sign to advertise the tea party. Well, I got the idea from the San Tan Valley Patriots email list. Here's an email I wrote to one of the guys organizing the tea party:
Secret Tea Party Person,
This afternoon I stood on the corner of Ironwood and Ocotillo with a sign that said "Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1776" from about 2:45 - 4:00. It was hot outside.
Interesting story- a cop came up and asked me what I was doing. He asked me what my sign meant. He asked my why the tea party was on the same day as tax day. I said the scheduling helps with publicity. He asked me for some ID and I gave him my driver's licesne and he walked away and called somebody and then in a few minutes he came back and gave it back to me. He said it's fine to express your first ammendment rights.
He said the main reason he came over was because I think he said he got some phone calls from some people who were worried about my baby daughter that I had with me. It was hot outside. I gave my daughter plenty of water before I went out there and I tried to keep her in the shade, but, blah blah.
Anyway, thanks for helping me have the guts to go out there for a while. I got quite a few supportive honks!

That story about the cop really happened. It was kind of cool to get hassled by the man for being a right-wing extremist. But the experience of standing out there also made me feel weird and sad inside. I felt weird. I felt weird because I was by myself, and I looked crazy. But I felt like I was supporting a good cause. The supportive honks and thumbs-up signs I got were great.



Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Happy Tea Party Eve!

Dear Readers,

I'm so pumped for tomorrow's TEA PARTY!!!!

And so is my daughter!



Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Pictures from around my backyard

Dear Readers,

I took all these pictures in my backyard. I didn't plant any of these plants, except the little garden picture you'll see in a little bit. All these plants were here when we moved in last summer. I've only watered them a few times. Maybe once or twice or three times, in seven months. And we live in a desert, you know. These plants are good at surviving. I admire them for that.

Bush and tree and wall and sky and home and dirt and weeds and shadows.

Shadow and ground and wall and green fluff.
Beautiful bricks.
A little kingdom. Little soldiers.
Happy workers.
I planted this garden. Hopefully we'll get some vegetables from it in a few months. Cabbage and lettuce and tomatoes and cauliflower and... I can't remember what else. Gardening is nice.
Pink flowers. Green leaves. Again, I didn't plant any of these. These plants were just here when I moved in. Gosh, I love these flowers.
Fuzzy white flower.

Bright white light. It's the same flower as the flower in the last picture, but the flash on the camera was on this time.
Bright white lights glowing on the bush.
My daughter. Such a sweetheart.

GreenPeace Wrote Me Back!

Dear Readers,

Remember that post where I wondered why we ought to worry about saving endangered species? Well, I emailed a copy of that whole post to Greenpeace, and I got this email back:

Dear Telemoonfa,

Thank you for your email. There is a crucial reason for protecting species from extinction which is an entirely selfish one. It is important to protect animals threatened by human activities because the loss of those animals can have dramatic effects on the ecosystem. As far as I'm aware we don't have another planet that supplies us with the resources that we need, so ignoring the impact of species loss on those environments puts human survival in jeopardy as well. I hope this has answered your question. For more information visit us at

For a green and peaceful future,

So Greenpeace's answer is basically "the loss of species can have dramatic effects on the ecosystem." But Zach doesn't say what exactly the dramatic effects are... I suppose I should try to look into that myself.

I'd like to find an example of when a species going extinct has actually hurt humans, or jeapordized the survival of the human race altogether. Can you think of an example, readers, or find one?

Now, I think I remember learning about the American buffalo going scarce back in the Manifest Destiny Western expansion days, and people went hungry... but that was an act of war... the cowboys vs. the Indians. Or maybe it was an act of genocide, however you want to talk about American History...

Anywho... humans have adapted, and the ecosystem has adapted, when species have gone extinct, and we're all fine now.

Hmmm... I think I might look into the issue more.

And this issue is important!

Because so many decisions are based on the assumption that trying to save endangered species from extinction is actually worthwhile. So much construction has been stalled, so many taxes have been collected, so much land has been snatched by governments, all based on the assumption that trying to save endangered animals from extinction is good.

But what if that assumption is wrong?

Greenpeace wants us all to get wrapped up in talking about how we can best save endangered species. They want us to keep talking about what species are in fact endangered, which species are threatened, which species are nearing semi-endangerment... They want to keep us talking about the subcategories of endangered animals and how we can help a particular endangered species from going extinct. They want us to have all these conversations based on the assumption that saving endangered animals from extinction is actually a worthwhile thing.

But what if that assumption is wrong?

It's the same thing with global warming. GreenPeace and Al Gore want us to keep talking about the best way to lower carbon emissions, how many polar bears you save by riding your bicycle, how much C02 is emitted when you boil a pot of water, how coal power and wind energy produce different effects on the Earth's climate, how obscure animals are affected by global warming, how particular lakes are affected by global warming, blah blah blah... They want you to have all these conversations and worry about all this stuff based on the assumption that anthropogenic global warming is actually real.

But that assumption is wrong!

It's like Greenpeace and Al Gore want us to keep talking and arguing about the branches of the tree, but we need to attack the root of the tree. The root of the tree is the assumption. Does that make sense?

Anyway, readers, especially ones with science backgrounds and enviornmental study backgrounds, please let me know about times when rare species going extinct have dramatically hurt humans. Thanks.


Monday, April 5, 2010

Vote No on San Tan Valley Incorporation

Dear Readers,

This post goes out to all my San Tan Valley/Queen Creek readers.

(Other people can still read it, though.)

Pretty soon we’ll be voting on whether or not San Tan Valley should become a city. I’ve thought about the issues and studied the issues, and I’m now certain that I’m going to vote no on incorporation. And if you live in the area, you should vote no as well.

Here are four reasons why I am opposed to San Tan Valley becoming a city:

1. More government

2. Higher taxes

3. We don’t need it.

4. Once you incorporate, you can never unincorporate.

Well, maybe it’s technically possible to unincorporate, but it’s practically impossible. It doesn’t happen. Have you ever heard of a city voting to stop being a city? Town Council members, City Council members, mayors, etc. - when do those people voluntarily give up power? Remember Doctrine and Covenants 131:29: “We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion.” Power corrupts people. Only principled people like George Washington refuse the crown. Yes, of course we need some government and some regulation. But we don’t need as much government and regulation as we have right now. My point is, we can vote no this November, and then if we change our minds in a year or two or three, we can bring the issue to the ballot again. But once we say “Yes, let’s become a city” we can never go back to being unincorporated.

Here’s some of the arguments you’ll hear from the proponents of the incorporation of San Tan Valley, with my rebuttals:

1] But San Tan Valley is so big! There’s 80,000 people here! It’s gotta be a city!

A rural community isn’t legally required to incorporate once the population gets to a certain size. Ordinarily, 80,000 in the same general area usually live in an incorporated city, but so what? If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it too? If all the other densely populated rural communities incorporated, would you do it too?

2] San Tan Valley can grow in a more structured way if it incorporates. Our street signs can match! Our light posts can match! Maybe everything could be a gorgeous seashell-ish fuchsia!

I think I speak for most Americans when I say that liberty is more important than matching street signs. I think our area is pretty enough, and our cornucopia of Home Owner’s Associations do a pretty good job of making everything look like everything else.

3] We’ll have better roads.

That’s a pretty good reason. But I think the county can build roads just as well as a city can. And we can still get federal earmarks to fund road construction.

4] Being a city with a distinct identity will attract developers and businesses.

I may not be a business whiz, but I know that a lot of great businesses and developers have already found their way to little obscure San Tan Valley somehow, without matching fuchsia streetsigns to lead them here. And I bet the businesses will keep on coming. What will attract business more than a city with a catchy slogan is a lot of cheap land for sale, few regulations, and low taxes.

5] Incorporation is inevitable. It will happen someday, because the population is growing so much, so we might as well do it now.

You make it sound like becoming a city is like becoming part of The Borg. (Remember the Borg, all you Trekkies out there? "We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile." Ha ha ha.) No, incorporation is not inevitable. We residents of San Tan Valley have willpower! We residents of San Tan Valley have self-determination, and we can do what we want to do! If we don’t want to become a city, well then, dag-nabbit, we shouldn’t vote to become a city! Incorporation is not inevitable. And even if it is, it could still be right to fight against it.

Moving on, my life is great here in unincorporated San Tan Valley.

Well, it’s pretty good.

In any case, I’m sure my life would not improve merely because San Tan Valley incorporated. I think this is a wonderful area and I’m glad to call it home. Sure, it may not have all the nice amenities of a city, and the sidewalks certainly leave something to be desired, but so what? What is a few nice amenities and prevalent sidewalks compared with the beautiful unincorporated suburban sprawl of the twenty-first century Wild West?

And if you want to live in a city so much, go move to a city instead of trying to change this place. That’s what I think.

Here’s a few examples of what incorporated cities have done recently:

The city of Phoenix recently passed a tax on food. Lame!

Cleveland, Ohio is crumbling because of burdensome city taxes and city regulations. Drew Carey is trying to save Cleveland.

Really rich people and the middle class have left New York City because the taxes are too high.

(By the way, I kind of don’t like using the terms “middle class” and “upper class” and stuff, because I’m afraid that using those terms leads to class warfare, and class warfare leads to Communism. I bet the more liberal a person is, the more often he or she uses the term “the middle class.”)

Sahuarita became a city in the 1990s, and it quickly bowed to the will of one real estate developer -old Mr. Sharpe, an unsavory character- and the Town Council spends most of their time changing the color of the street signs and trying to get each other kicked out of city government.

San Francisco fines you a whole bunch for not being sufficiently green.

So, there's a few examples of the dumb stuff city governments do. Of course, county governments do dumb stuff too, but not nearly as often or as severely as city governments.

Of course, I’m not against all cities. Heavens no! But I’m for more limited government, lower taxes, and other conservative things. So, all things considered...

Vote No on San Tan Valley Incorporation!

If you want to donate to the anti-San-Tan-Valley Incorporation Fund, Click on the big red YES below. It will take you to a secure donation website where you can support the cause of liberty financially.


In the event that the secure online donation system is not functional, just mail cash, checks, and/or your personal credit card information (including your name as it appears on the card, the 16 digit #, if it’s Visa or MasterCard or whatever, and your name and address, and the 3 digit security code on the back, and… while you’re at it, you should give me your social security number, too, just so I can verify your identity and make sure everything is on the up and up.)

Mail all donations to:

Camoflauged Secret Bunker # 41
Undercoverville, USA


Saturday, April 3, 2010

Bye Bye Birdies

Dear Readers,

What’s the point of saving endangered species from extinction?

That question just struck me as I was waking up this morning.

I remember when I was in elementary school I learned about endangered species, and my teacher said something like, “These poor little animals. There’s only a few of them left. People are taking their homes away. How would you like it if someone came up to your house and smashed it, and then built their house on top of it? That’s pretty much what we’re doing to these endangered animals. We’re taking their homes away. We’re making them bleed and die.”

It was a lot for a nine year old to take in.

Really, why are we so concerned with preserving endangered species? Why do we care about protecting their habitats and making them feel comfortable by staying really really far away from them? Why do we alter all our plans for beautiful industrialization just because a spotted owl or whatever happens to live right where we want to build something? Why do we spend millions of dollars (taken from tax-payers, most of the time) to fight for the species who aren’t powerful enough to fight for themselves?

I’ve come up with a few explanations to my first question, "What’s the point of saving endangered species from extinction?" and rebuttals and comments about each explanation.

1] We feel like we need to protect rare animals because animals are glorious and grand and majestic.

If all animals are glorious and grand and majestic, then why do we discriminate between the animals by saying one species of animal is OK to domesticate or to hunt or to displace, while another species deserves special treatment?

What makes one life more valuable than another life, just because one life happens to belong to a minority species and another life happens to belong to a majority species? By that same logic, a person belonging to a disappearing tribe would be more valuable than you and me.

I reject that type of discrimination based on species or on minority status. All humans have souls. All animals, no matter what their species, have spirits. Rarity alone doesn’t make something valuable. A common deer is just as valuable, in an ethical sense, as a California condor. A pet hamster is just as valuable, in an ethical sense, as a spotted owl.

Also, if people are holding animals up to be majestic, divine creatures, nobler than humans even, well… why aren’t the animals fighting to save their animal brothers and sisters from extinction? Why aren’t the oh-so-holy animals waging war on humans to spare an obscure species from oblivion?

The fact is, animals aren’t doing anything to stop other species from going extinct because animals aren’t majestic or noble or anything like that. Animals are savage beasts. All they really care about is self-preservation, and sometimes the preservation of their offspring. In fact, animals usually work to drive other species to extinction! They eat each other! I’ll bet more endangered species have become extinct by the paws, flippers, and etc., of animals than by the hands of humans.

And animals poop everywhere.

And they have no respect for private property.

The only way that animals get a little more cultured and refined is if humans beat culture and refinement into them. Ever see a dog owner smack a dog on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper when the dog did something wrong? That smack is the glorious process of domestication.

Without humans around, dogs would still be out in the wilderness killing each other and having sex with strangers, like the rest of the ferocious animal kingdom.

2] We feel like we need to protect rare animals because they are a novelty, something for us to put in a zoo, or in a carnival attraction.

That can’t be it.


The endangered-species bear isn’t really any more interesting than the regular bear. The only reason you’re interested in the endangered species bear is because people told you it was endangered.

And none of the animals on the endangered species list are as interesting as the platypus. And if you really want to look at a bizarre animal, I suggest you stop looking in the wild and start looking in the science lab.

Ever heard of hybrid animals, like a Zonkey? A zonkey is part zebra and part donkey. And it’s real. There’s a cama, too, which is part camel and part llama. Zonkeys and camas would really rake in the dough as a sideshow attraction, more than any animal on the endangered species list.

(Do a google images search for a Zonkey and you'll have a good time.)

Plus, the enviornmentalists who are gung-ho about preserving endangered species are usually against putting animals in zoos and exploiting them for our own entertainment and stuff.

3] We feel like we need to protect rare animals because they have not been studied thoroughly enough, and maybe their blood or some of their secretions could cure cancer or something. We only need to preserve them long enough to figure out if they can be useful to us.

I like this explanation the best so far, because it recognizes that animals were mostly put on this Earth to be used by humans. Maybe animals have some other purposes, too. But I don’t know what those other purposes are. Mainly animals exist in order to provide humans with food and clothing and to help establish an ecosystem in which humans can live. God mostly made the world for humans to live on.

But explanation # 3 falls short. I think we’ve already studied the endangered species enough to know that their blood or eyeball juice or whatever doesn’t cure cancer. Even if we lost a few species, a lot of their genetic makeup could probably be replicated in science labs. (Or we can pray and God can make cancer-curing vaccines fall from the sky.)

But the best refutation to explanation # 3 is a practical one. Remember that there are plenty of species that go extinct all the time.

Somewhere in an unmapped corner of the world, a little critter, the last of his kind, is dying. He has no offspring, no one to carry on his name, no one to give his things to, and no one to pass on his legends. Try as we might, we can’t save that little critter from dying. Because we don’t even know about him!

And even if we were able to manage, at great expense, to save the critter and clone him or breed him and make more of him, (all the while making our schoolchildren wear armbands and hold candlelight vigils to raise awareness about the nearly extinct species) while we were doing all that, a thousand other unknown species would be going extinct somewhere else in the world.

Trying to save a species when God or Nature wills that it die is as futile as trying to change the weather. And we all know that there’s nothing humans can do to change the climate.

Let natural selection work. Let God work. Be at peace with a species going extinct, and be at peace with a new species coming to life. That’s the way of this world.

So an endangered species goes extinct because humans invade their habitat. Meh. There’s plenty of other fish in the sea. There's a ka-billion other species we don't even know about yet!

And there are plenty of new species being discovered all the time. Why just 4 years ago, a student at Northern Arizona University discovered a new cricket in the Grand Canyon.

Also, if discovering a cure for diseases were really a motivation for saving endangered species, then I think we would hear a lot more from cancer groups and real scientists in the health care field fighting to keep endangered species alive. Instead, most of the fuss about endangered species comes from Communist/hippie people.

4] We feel like we need to protect rare animals because we don’t like it when things die.

I'll admit that it's a bit sad to see something die, like pogs, or the Beegees, or Seinfield, or the Roman Empire, or the dodo bird. Sometimes I wish everything could stay alive forever, because everything is special! Sometimes I feel like I’d love to have a T-Rex around, or maybe a curelom or a cumom.

But... uh... things die.

And if we go to impractical lengths to extend the mortal life of things that need to go, well... that's quiff.

And death is not the end. Our souls and spirits live on. There are worlds beyond this one. Take comfort in the promise of immortality, and let endangered species die.

5] We feel like we need to protect rare animals because they're rare.

We kind of already covered this. Rarity does not equal value. I think we should preserve animals if they are actually useful. If their hides are useful, if their meat is tasty, if you can make cool trinkets out of their bones, then maybe we should work to preserve them. Or if they make honey or lay eggs, then they're valuable. Or you know, if they pollinate flowers, or they offer themselves up as food to other bigger animals that humans eat, then they're valuable. But things aren't valuable just because they're rare.

Oh, except gold, and diamonds. Those are sort of valuable because they are rare. But people have used precious metals and gems as currency, so it's valuable because a lot of people agree that it's valuable. And so it's not really the rarity that makes gold valuable, but the arbitrary value placed upon it by humans.

So I suppose if we changed our currency from dollars to the wings of a rare butterfly species, then the rare butterfly would become valuable, and we would all very quickly be interested in preserving and harvesting that rare species of butterfly.

6] I can't think of any other good reasons.

I think the desire to protect endangered species could spring from sentimentalism, and from a misguided philanthropic urge. Or it could come from communist/hippie stuff.

Really, would the world be that much worse off if the California condor or some other endangered species weren't around more? Would it really hurt the ecosystem very much?

Sure, it’s sad for some reason, to see a whole species of animal go extinct, and we get nostaligaic. But I would submit to you that it's probably more effort to preserve endangered species than it's worth.

In conclusion, I think we ought to abolish the endangered species list altogether, and stop worrying about obscure animals going extinct.

I would like someone to write back, and explain to me why preserving endangered species is worthwhile. And I’d like a clear cost-analysis type of response. I don’t want an emotional answer.

I think I’ll send a copy of this blog post to Greenpeace, and see what happens.

Oh, and I wouldn't mind the preservation of endangered animals so much if it were done through private means. Like, if a concerned citizen bought up a bunch of land and kept a bunch of animals on it, that would be fine. But more often than not endangered species are preserved by taxes and government mandates and icky stuff like that.

More often than not, trying to preserve endangered species leads to less freedom, and less prosperity.


Thursday, April 1, 2010

JD HAYWORTH!!! (and Jim Deakin) (and sparkle)

Dear Readers,

I would like to take this opportunity to officially announce Telemoonfa’s endorsement of JD Hayworth.


There. All capitalized means official.

Perhaps some of you are wondering why I’m not supporting Jim Deakin. He’s another conservative Republican running against John McCain for U.S. Senate from Arizona. Well, Jim seems like a really honest man, and he seems really conservative, and he seems like a nice guy.


You know what Jim’s problem is?

He doesn’t sling enough mud.

And he’s not slick. Politicians have to be slick.

And remember the wise words of Osama Bin Laden: “When people see a strong horse and a weak horse, by nature they will like the strong horse.” JD Hayworth is a strong horse, and Jim Deakin is a weak horse.

Not that we should be taking advice from Osama, but still…

Now, I know it’s a shame that practically dictates that we have to abandon good honest politicians like Jim Deakin and idealistic third-party candidates, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

Who knows, it may be that Jim Deakin would turn out to be a better Senator than JD Hayworth will be when he gets elected, but say lah vee, we need to support JD Hayworth, because Jim Deakin does not have a good enough chance at winning. So I think Jim really ought to step aside and campaign for JD Hayworth.

Plus Jim Deakin doesn't sparkle, and JD Hayworth does sparkle.

And if there's one political mantra I live by, it is this one:

There is no substitute for sparkle.

And remember The Sparkle Song, sung to the tune of Yankee Doodle Dandy:

I'm a sparkle sparkle dandy

A sparkle sparkle little spark

I wanna sparkle all the sparkles now

Sparkle the Fourth of July!

The Declaration of Independence

Has a lot of sparkle in it,

I love the bald eagle and my country too

Sparkle sparkle sparkle sparkle

(next 4 lines chanted. Triangles and rhythm sticks are encouraged.)

Sparkle, sparkle, that's what we need!

Sparkle, sparkle, for the U.S.A.!

Sparkle, sparkle, we want the sparkle,

sparkle, sparkle, And America can shine!!!



video of forever and the freedom ha ha ha i like it

I Love Hutaree

Dear Readers,

So there’s this gun club/ militia called the Hutaree. Maybe you’ve heard of them in the news. Members of the Hutaree spend their time reading the Bible, looking out for the Antichrist and the mark of the Beast, shooting big guns, and talking about how they don’t like the government very much.

Hmmm… they sound like my type of people.

And look, they have a website:

Well, Big Brother got word of their right-wing Christian unrest and so the big bad government swooped in with their bigger guns and just smashed all those guys. Just smashed them.

Now the Hutaree people are all smashed.

And what did the Hutaree people actually do? Nothing! All they were doing was just hanging out in the forest, talking about maybe sometime killing the Antichrist or some of the Antichrist’s minions. And if killing the Antichrist is a crime, well, then, I hope to become a criminal, because I WANT TO KILL THE ANTICHRIST!!!

And wanting to kill the Antichrist isn’t crazy at all. It’s righteous! Plus patriotic!

Because killing the Antichrist is in the Constitution!

I quote from Article 5, section 17: Congress shall enact no law infringing on the right of the people to hunt for and destroy the Antichrist

And who doesn’t want to kill the Antichrist? C’mon, you would totally be a huge hero if you spotted him, got him in your scopes and then blasted him away with a BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!!!

He could be anywhere… look out! Duck! I think I see him!

And for those of you who think the Hutaree people aren’t really Christian because they’re too violent… well, let me remind you, my Christian readers, that a lot of you have enthusiastically and reverently sung the song that goes, “I’m a soldier in the army of the Lord,” and a lot of you have sung, “Onward Christian Soldiers” with vim, and a lot of you love the part of The Battle Hymn of the Republic that goes, “He hath loosed the fateful lightning of his terrible swift sword.” And we all know that those lyrics are code words for, “Blast away infidels in the name of God!”

And before you cast the first stone at the misunderstood Hutaree, let me remind you, my Christian readers, of the way you drooled when you first heard the story of David killing Goliath. You liked it when the rock hit his head. You liked it when David put his foot on Goliath's massive chest, and David took Goliath's sword, and hacked into that thick neck, and let the blood flow. You liked the power that David had, and you wanted some of that power.

And you still want the power that David had!

And the way you can get that power is by buying a bunch of guns and looking for the Mark of the Beast!

Whatever you do, if the Government comes to your house and says, "Hi, um, I'm the government, and I need to implant this chip into your brain. Don't worry. It will keep you safe."

Don't take it! Don't let them put the mark of the beast in you! Don't be tricked by the AntiChrist! They could come tomorrow. They could come in a week. They could be right outside your door! Blast them! Blast them away with the power of God!

Expel them! Expel the demons from your midst! Use your guns! Use your explosives to go boom boom boom!!!

Do not let the Devil in your house, and the Devil is 666, and he wants to put a government microchip in you!!! Watch out!


Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha !!!!!!

In conclusion, I love Hutaree. I think they are swell people.

And for sure they would support JD Hayworth.