Friday, December 31, 2010

The Rest of Your Life

Adults try to relax and watch TV.
They don't get enough rest,
but they're cozy with the slight haze
that sleep-deprivation brings-
it's almost like being drunk.
They fill up their closets
they fill up their trashcans
and they fill up their veins
with merchandise.
They tear down their barns,
and build greater barns.

They're nice enough.

For exercise, the adults walk
their codependent dogs over and over
and they put the food pebbles in the dish
and they put the tap water in the other dish
and they all play fetch
until the dogs drop dead.
And then they get more dogs
and then the new dogs die and
then all the adults die.

And maybe the adults don't go to Heaven
and maybe they don't go to Hell.
Maybe they go to a place with a big TV.

Leaves in General

Leaves are so nice,
they wiggle and waggle and swiffle.
Bunch up, spread out, bunch up, spread out
(that's what swiffling means).

I'm eating nacho-cheese potato chips
in an empty room. Now I scratch myself.

Leaves lie there lazily like laying lavender leaves, softly,
leaves precisely like other leaves!
I inhale the scent of the leaves...
the leafy perfume of leaves intoxicates me...
Today is a wicked elixer with alcoholic leaves in it, literally.
My brain, which, being a sniffer, sniffing, sniffs the leaves,
sniffing in leaf-smelly-drunkeness!


I love the leaves forever...

Acorns probably fall on leaves.
I've seen acorns on leaves.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Merry Christmas

Dear Readers,

Here's a poem I wrote for the Christmas cards my wife and I will be sending out this year.

Dear beloved relatives, family and friends,
Again we address you as another year ends.
We hope you are feeling the Christmastime cheer
That fills up our hearts this blessed time of year.
It seems most fitting to tell you our news,
Some awesome adventures and also our blues.

Ben’s teaching job caused him much grief
But a change in career brought welcome relief.
When once he was miserable, suffering in school
Now he makes movie screens. It’s really cool.
He coats off-white vinyl with silvery paint
Compared to the students, his boss is a saint.

Erin’s vocation changed drastically too
Telling Wells Fargo she was finally through.
Now that she’s free from the walls of the bank,
Chief Executive Mommy is her proper rank.
She’s wholly familiar with many a chore;
Of household civility she maintains the core.

Trudy is cuddly, well-tempered and neat.
Just look at her picture. Isn’t she sweet?
Pomegranates and cheese are her favorite food.
She’ll also eat oatmeal, if it pleases her mood.
Her legs are getting strong; she can already walk
And her mind is a smart one. She’s starting to talk!

With San Tan Valley we’re falling in love.
Our city’s possessed with the peace of a dove.
Maybe we’ll stay until our days of death.
This seems a nice place to draw a last breath,
But wherever life takes us, wherever we roam,
We remember, especially at Christmas, that God is our home.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Dec 4th Pinal County Republican Committee Meeting in Casa Grande, Arizona

Dear Readers,

Last Saturday, on December 4th, I attended a Pinal County Republican Committee Meeting in Casa Grande, Arizona. It was awesome.

I haven’t been super-active as a Precinct Committeeman, but I got a few emails and phone calls saying that this meeting was one of the most important meetings of the year, because an election of officers was taking place, so even though it took me 45 minutes to drive to Casa Grande, I went.

I was kind of hoping there would be some Jerry Springer type of mayhem at the meeting. I like my politics brawling and mudslinging and melodramatic (as long as I’m at a safe-distance). But the meeting turned out to be a clean fight. Most people were celebrating the results of the November 2nd elections. Because in case you haven’t heard, for the first time since statehood, Pinal County is red. Here in Legislative District 23, Frank Pratt and John Fillmore won the state house seats, and Steve Smith won the state senate seat. And Daniel Wahsburn won the Superior Court Judge seat.

I saw some semi-famous political people there- Pinal County Sherrif Paul Babeu, Arizona Republican Leader Guy Randy Pullen, Pinal County Supervisor Bryan Martyn, and the mayor of Maricopa city, whatever his name is.

The most important thing I did was vote for the Pinal County Republican Committee leadership- Chairman, 1st Vice Chairman, 2nd Vice Chairman, Secretary and Treasurer. I voted for all the super conservative, tea-party type of candidates. And here are the results, for all who are interested:

ELECTION OF STATUTORY OFFICERS: Election results for County Board 2011-2012 are:

Chairman - Steve Kohut: entrupenuer, venture capitalist, tea-party activist
1st Vice Chairman – Fred MacKenzie: nice old guy who campaigned for Barry Goldwater back in the day.
2nd Vice Chairman – Greg Schuller: radio voice, conservative.
Secretary - Ted Brewster: passionate organizer of the Queen Creek/San Tan Valley Tea Party Rally on April 15th.
Treasurer – John Webster: holds a bachelor’s in finance, an MBA, and he runs several businesses debt-free. He has a lot of guns, too.

I think every single position changed hands. The lesson to be learned here is that the tea-party movement is alive and well and growing.

I’m late for work. Bye.


Monday, November 22, 2010

Hey yay we cloned a monkey

The group that cloned the monkey.

Hey yay we cloned a monkey.

There are already mice with fully functioning human brains.

Gosh, I love Christine O'Donnell. I really really do.

You might not like this video upon first play, but if you watch it over and over again, it has a really cool effect on your brain.

I wish Miss O'Donnell well. She is me.

May the Universe flow through you.


Boycott Prom! Abolish Student Councils!

Dear Readers,

The Student Council at Northern Arizona University decided to create a new fee for new communal services.

This news is more evidence that, generally speaking, college students should not be running things. Remember the Yellow Bike Program?

Ha ha ha. What an utter failure in communism that was.

Student Councils are worthless!! They should all be abolished!

Oh, I suppose that a few girls making posters and twirling ribbons for a school dance is innocent. But I don't want to go to the dance! I don't have any school spirit, and I don't plan on getting school spirit any time soon. Stop bugging me.

I never went to prom. I probably just stayed home and watched movies, played Super Nintendo, or read comic books.

And not because I couldn't get a date! I'm pretty sure at least one awkward and hormonal girl would have gone to the prom with me. But I don't like dances, and I don't like school, and I don't like expensive things like fancy meals and overpriced tickets to a school dance, and I don't like prom!

I think a new tea-party slogan could be: I'm not going to prom!


What do student councils do anyway? They just think up ways to spend other people’s money, and they act like they're doing it for the good of other people. Student councils teach kids to be in love with power, fame and big government.

Thank goodness I'm out of school. I never never want to go to school again. School is a bad place. People are mean there.

Retreat to the hills. Paint a picture of the hills. Don't go to the prom. Emerge only when your hills are threatened.


Vote 4 Bristol 2-Nite!

Dear Tea-Party Co-Conspirators,


Remember that tonight Bristol Palin is on Dancing With The Stars! Vote for her a thousand times! Tell everyone you know to vote for her a thousand times!

Remember, the future of the American liberty is hanging in the balance! Do you want Barak Obama ramming his communistical hand down your throat and ripping our your red-white-and- blue soul?!!! Of course not, because you love freedom, and that's why you need to VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE!!!

Bristol Palin’s win would show the world once and for all that WE’RE HERE TO TAKE OUR COUNTRY BACK!!!


P.S. The eagle flies at midnight. Caw. Caw.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


Dear Readers,

Here's a script for a TV commercial:

Mike: Mom, what’s for dinner?

Mom: We have mashed potatos, broccoli, and milk.

Mike: Ah, Mom, I hate broccoli.

Dad: Now, son, this food is good for you. So eat it, or you don’t get any dessert.

Younger Sister: Oh boy, what’s for dessert?


Kids: Yeeaaaahhh!!!

Announcer: The healthy dessert, squidcicles, are made from 100% squid! It’ll give you that get-up-and-go energy you need to get up and go! And kids really love them!

Mike: (takes a lick) mmmmm… these are so good! I think we should have them for every meal!
Announcer: I think so too!

Everyone: Squidcicles: they’re squidlicious!

TV Poetry

Dear Readers,

Here are two funny poems I wrote a decade ago. They're about TV and Super Nintendo. Enjoy.

Results of a TV Addict

Video games and TV Guides line the walls of my home,
And I’m writing this silly poem,
To show you what I absolutely adore
(Although some might say it’s a bore)
But I think it’s heaven-sent,
Having my brain cells unduefully spent
Feeling my brains turn into goo,
Duuuh… sometimes I say “moo”
And my muscles all deteriorate
And my toenails all disintegrate,
But of course my thumb muscles are still good,
From playing video games as long as I could.
I have no reason to go outside.
My brains are already fried
From staring at my wonderful television
Which might be in Smell-O-Vision
But I wouldn’t know,
Because so many years ago,
I lost my sense of smell
When I accidentally fell
But that doesn’t matter now
Look! TV! It’s “The Big Brown Cow”

That’s the Life

My Super Nintendo and I are going to run away
Where birds always sing and babies never cry
Where dogs never bark and streams always flow
There we could, for all eternity, play my blues away
Watching the pigeons and sparrows happily fly
My Super Nintendo making me forget everything I know
Then finally I’d be happy to always stay
Eating gummy bears and apple cinnamon pie
But I wouldn’t worry about being bitten by a vamp-crow

Everything would be happy there
So whenever I wanted to, I’d just fall asleep
I could snooze ‘neath the shade of yon oaken tree
What was happening back home? I wouldn’t care
Because I wouldn’t have to earn my keep
Or keep track of some important key
The hardest thing I’d do is simply pick a pear
There would be no work there, to make me weep
Ah, yes, not a care in the world, that’s the life for me.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Gummy Bear Eating Made Easy: A Fundamental Step-by-Step Guide for the Serious Gummy Bear Eater

After practice, eating gummy bears will not only be enjoyable, but it will also turn into an evening ritual that will be hard to pass up. First, you get some gummy bears from a store, preferably Bashas’. Then you take them home. Once you get settled into your favorite gobbling chair, rip open the inferior plastic bag with all your mighty rage, letting some of the candy fall into your lap. Eat the ones that fall onto the floor first, for they are the sweetest. Then furiously jam your fist into the bag, collecting the gummy heads in the cracks between you fingers, then licking them off. Once your hand is slimy with your drool, you are ready to eat 30 at a time. Form your hand into a scooper and scoop up anywhere from 30 to 35 gummy bears. Shove them into your mouth. Don’t chew too slow; the average should be 81 CPM (chews per minute). Repeat this process until you can’t scoop anymore. Then lift bag up to your mouth and dump the rest in. Leave the bag on the floor for your dog to eat. Dogs like that.

Poems about my two little brothers

Dear Readers,

Here are some poems I wrote in high school about my two little brothers:

Paul’s Pretty Perfect Picture

You look so innocent in your new overalls,
Like a farmer’s son,
Barely learning how to pull weeds,
Very willing to help.

Standing by the water,
Sun is glistening off your face,
Always photogenic.

Face and clothes moderately dirty,
From gleefully playing,
In the forest,
Hundreds of years older than you.

Happily smiling for the camera,
Building seet memeories on film
Of your youth
Rapidly rolling into the future.

My little brother’s education

You look so entranced in your Super Nintendo Game
Not caring about anything else.
Angry at Mario’s death,
Insisting the buttons didn’t work
Or Paul was in the way
Unwilling to put your empty cups away
Not caring about the books waiting in the dusty rack beside you,
They didn’t offer what you wanted,
Something that only video games could.
Soothed by your control over the little man on the screen,
Making you forget about the boo-boo on your knee,
And about the microscopes you could be looking in,
Upset the game didn’t go his way,
But not ever quitting,
And he never will,
Because the game is his thrill.


The Old Gray Couch

Dear Readers,

When I was young, my family had an old gray couch. It was a ragged old thing. I remember that for the last year or so that we had it, the cushions sagged in so much that we wedged a piece of plywood in there to make the couch sit-able.

Mom hated the couch, but I loved it.

One day my Mom finally borrowed somebody’s pickup truck and hauled it off to the dump. That night, Mom beamed as she came home with a new thousand-dollar couch from a fancy furniture store.

I was angry about the new couch. It looked like it belonged in a museum, behind a velvet rope. So I purposefully spilled a whole glass of milk on it.

I remember that I made Mom cry, and she yelled at me. That might have been the worst thing I’ve ever done.

When I was in high school, I wrote the following poem about the old gray couch.

The Old Gray Couch

What is the couch to me?
It is the haven from the outside world.
It is the falling apart gray piece of junk.
It is the place I lay for TV.
It is a dirty filthy slob hangout.
It is the place I have slept on countless nights.
It is where I’ve spent lazy summer afternoons playing Super Nintendo.
It is where I’ve spent insomnia-filled nights watching exciting new informercials that will change my life.
It is where I’ve seen Howard Berg mega speed-read Rush Limbaugh blather.
It is where I’ve had stimulating conversations about TV and Super Nintendo games.
It is where I’ve spent at least 40 % of my life.
It is where I’ll be living in 10 years.
It is the symbol of laziness and idleness everywhere.
It is the place I’ve thought up many schemes to get rich after I’m a bum in the gutter.
It is the place I’ve seen countless TV movies, most of which are dumb.
It is the place I ran to when I skipped last summer’s wrestling camp to watch valuable television.
It is the thing that hasn’t been cleaned ever since its creation.
It is the place I’ve beaten Super Mario Brothers 15 times consecutively.
It is the place I hate to leave.
It is where I wanna be forever.
It is where several TV remote controls have been hiding for years.
It is the place I envision when I think of heaven.
It is the place with Kool-Aid stains, apple-sauce-mush, and salsa drippings all over it.
It is where I have spent lots of my time eating yummy gummy bears.
It is where I have eaten, and will continue to eat, five pounds of red licorice per week.
It is where I lay when I watch Bruce Lee movies with no plot.
It is where the Simpsons weekly influence my young and impressionable brain.
It is where I always want to be.
It is the place I love.

The Importance of Being Earnest Essay

Dear Readers,

I once met a retired Notre Dame English professor who said, “Grading student essays is penance for sin.”

Ha ha ha. It’s so true.

A long time ago I had to write this essay for my high school Drama class. Following regular procrasticnation protocol, I waited until the day it was due to start. But my telemoonfa side kicked in, making me finish it in a record time of less than five minutes. If memory serves me correctly, I originally received an F, 47 %, but then I argued with Mrs. Butler, the teacher, up to a D. Looking back, this is definitely one of my best essays in that class. Take notes, readers, because this is ideal laziness-induced essay.

By the way, the essay has five paragraphs, each with five sentences. That's very important.

The Importance of Being Earnest Essay

The play The Importance of Being Earnest by Oscar Wilde is a satire. A satire pokes fun at an institution. This play’s social merit is good. It makes valid social criticisms. Here is why I think so.

This a good play because it talks about important stuff like Bunburying. “Yes, poor Bunbury is a dreadful invalid.” (page 298) Algernon makes up an imaginary brother named Bunbury who is sick all the time to get out and into things. Bunbury is not real but some people think he is.

This satire pokes fun at dating and marriage and stuff. It is funny. Algernon wants to marry Cecily. Jack wants to marry Gwendolen. They both make up imaginary people to help them.

Lady Bracknell is a person in the play. She pokes fun at an institution. The instituition she pokes fun at is marriage. Algernon is also good. So is Jack.

In conclusion, the play pokes fun at an instituition. Jack and Algernon are funny in the play. That makes the play. The play is so funny that it made people laugh. People hope everyone will be happy in the play.

The End

Mrs. Butler wrote,

Telemoonfa, This is a “skimpy” paper that does not focus on a central thesis. You also have no quotations to support your ideas.

Ha ha ha.



Saturday, November 6, 2010

A Message to the Voters of America

Dear Readers,

I have a message for the millions of people who voted last Tuesday.

Thank you!

The election was historic! Generally speaking, the good guys won! Obama’s radical agenda will be stopped, or at least stalled.

I really do not think that Obama will win in 2012. I think we’ll have a Republican President in 2012, (I’m hoping for Mitt Romney or Sarah Palin or Chris Christie) and I think the Republicans will pick up many more Congressional seats. Like 40 more!

Of course we still need to have hotly contested primaries to get the RINOs out of power. We need conservative tea-party type candidates to beat the moderate Republicans.

Now, there were a few disappointments. I wish that Christine O Donnell had won in Delaware. I wish that Sharron Angle had beat Harry Reid in Nevada. I wish that Dino Rossi had beat Patty Murray in Washington state. I wish that Joe Miller had beat Lisa Murkowski in Alaska. (They’re still counting ballots, but it looks like Murkowski will win.)

I sort of wish Meg Whitman had beat Jerry Brown for California, and I sort of wish that Carly Fiorina had beat Barbara Boxer, but sometimes I think California is so far gone that it’s beyond redemption. I don’t think that Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina were real conservatives, but they probably would have been better than the Democrats. Whatever. At least Californians had the decency to keep marriage traditional and pot illegal.

Here in Arizona, I wish that Jesse Kelly had beat Gabrielle Giffords, and I wish that Ruth McClung had beat Raul Grijalva.

Ruth McClung is a rock-climber, a painter, a rocket scientist, a devout Christian, a conservative, and an attractive woman. Raul Grijalva, on the other hand, is a blubbery socialist. Grijalva called for a boycott of Arizona in response to SB 1070. And he supports a single-payer health care system. And the voters picked Grijalva. For shame. But the race was waaaaaay closer than it has been in the past. That’s a good sign. I think Ruth McClung or another Republican has a great chance at beating him in 2012.

But overall I want to say that I’m so happy with Tuesday’s results.

Russell Pearce, my conservative hero, is the new Arizona Senate President. Steve Smith beat Rebecca Rios (Hallelujah!) in my legislative district, and… long story short, Republicans run pretty much everything in Arizona now.

And Pinal County has turned Republican! For the first time since the dawn of time, Pinal County has more Republicans than Democrats! Bryan Martyn and Sheriff Paul Babeu were the first Republicans to win out here in Pinal County, a few years ago, but in the next few years, I bet all the elected Pinal County offices will be Republican. And that’s a good thing.

I think Pinal County’s shift from blue to red has to do with Obama being the President, and with the tea party movement, but I think a lot of it just has to do with a demographic and population shift. San Tan Valley, Maricopa city, and Casa Grande have grown like crazy over the past few years. Those cities are becoming more suburban. And for some reason, nice suburbs with Home-Owner’s Associations tend to be more conservative than inner-cities or poor, rural areas.

Thank you, American voters, for what you did last Tuesday.

I love my country.

The other day I went on a long bike ride. The weather was perfect. I hopped over a fence and went on some dirt paths that ran by electrical poles for a bit, and then I rode on Germann road. I rode past a huge dairy farm, a steel mill, acres and acres of cotton fields, a warehouse/factory looking place, a nursery, and a lime orchard. It seemed to go on forever. I loved seeing all that beautiful industry, all that beautiful work, all that beautiful production. The milk, the meat, the cotton, the limes, the plants, the steel – it was gorgeous.

America is beautiful and America is great.

And I don’t think that Barack Obama and most liberal Democratic politicians feel the same way about America that I do. But thankfully Americans voted in some really great men and women last Tuesday. Thankfully Americans voted in Marco Rubio. He gave a great and inspiring victory speech Tuesday night.

I wanted to put that victory speech on Telemoonfa Time, but due to technical difficulties, I can’t. But I’ll put another speech up, a speech that Marco Rubio gave at the last Conference of the Conservative Political Action Committee. It’s amazing. Enjoy.


Thursday, November 4, 2010

A Message to the Libertarian Voters in Arizona Congressional District 8

Dear Readers,

I have a message for the 9,524 people who voted for the Libertarian candidate in CD 8.

What were you thinking?! Do you realize that Jesse Kelley lost by 2,349 votes?

If only half of you 9,524 people would have voted for Jesse Kelly, he would have won! And you would have had a candidate who is much closer to your libertarian views heading to D.C. Instead you sent the liberal incumbent Gabby Giffords back to Washington. For shame!

Maybe Jesse Kelly doesn’t match your libertarian views when it comes to national defense and foreign policy, but neither does Gabby Giffords. And Jesse Kelly comes waaaaaay closer to matching your libertarian ideas of lower taxes and smaller government than Gabby Giffords does.

Gabby Giffords supports Obamacare and Cap and Trade. Those two issues alone should be reason enough for every Libertarian to vote her out of office.

The reason I’m addressing this blog post to Libertarians instead of to Democrats is because Libertarians are already certain that lower taxes and smaller, less intrusive government is the way to go. Democrats, on the other hand, think that higher taxes and bigger government is better. So I’m just not sure why you Libertarians can’t realize that your third-party candidate isn’t going to win, so you need to support the candidate that most closely fits your views and that has the best chance of winning. And that candidate is Jesse Kelly.

Honestly, I would have preferred Ian Gilyeat to be my Senator instead of John McCain. Ian Gilyeat has practically the exact same political philosophy that I do. But I didn’t vote for him because he had no chance of winning, and because voting for him would just encourage him and people like him to run again.

Libertarians, don’t you like Ron Paul? He’s basically a libertarian, but he became a Republican. Why? Because Ron Paul’s a smart man, and early on he learned that there is a two-party system in this country. Third parties don’t work. Don’t waste your time with them.

(The numbers I used in this post were from the Arizona’s Secretary of State’s website and were accurate at the time of this writing. It’s possible that Jesse Kelly will still actually win, but it’s not looking so good right now.)


Monday, November 1, 2010

from the land of the scorpions

The man who wants to eat a hamburger
isn’t registered to vote.
He is a Beast of the Power of the Air.

He’s humming to himself.
He wants a hamburger,
but he nibbles a leaf,
and he’s humming to himself.

Hm, hmmm, hmmmm, hmmmmm…

Bop! bop! bop! bop! bop!

Hm, hmmm, hmmmm, hmmmmm…

Bop! bop! bop! bop! bop!

It’s a tune he got from a radio one day,
on an a.m. station broadcasting live
from the land of the scorpions.

Somebody large in that red house-
Somebody large and hidden-
had played it especially for the hungry man.

That day he slowed his steps to listen.
He put one knee on the sidewalk,
untied, tied, untied, then tied
his left shoe shoelaces,
so as to not look suspicious.

The tune struck him.
His jaw went loose.
He put both hands inside his heart.
All the way inside.

His arms and fingers spread wide.
His body moved forward and upward.

He is a Beast of the Power of the Air.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Daniel Washburn for Superior Court Judge in Pinal County, Arizona, Division 1!

Dear Readers,

You know how on the voting ballot, there's always those judges at the end of the list that nobody really talks about or knows about? I've left those blank when voting, and I was thinking about leaving them blank this election.

But then Daniel Washburn, a candidate for Superior Court Judge in Pinal County, Division 1, sent me an email that said something like, "Hey, Telemoonfa, you should help me with my campagin. I'm friends with Jeff Smith!"

That e-mail, to me, was the bat signal. I donned my bat-suit and sprung into action! (Actually I just e-mailed him back and said "Sure, I'll help, because a friend of Jeff Smith is a friend of mine." But that's the more boring version.)

Short story shorter, I am now proudly wearing his T-Shirt and displaying his sign in my front yard.

First I liked Daniel Washburn because he seemed conservative and Mormony. But then I looked at his website and his competitor's (Delana Fuller) website, and Daniel Washburn's website totally blew the other one out of the water!

Daniel is the only candidate with experience as a judge. He has a very impressive resume.

But my new favorite thing about Daniel Washburn is that he wrote this wonderful article about student-initiated religious speech in public schools. I read the whole thing, and it was great.

He talks about the sort-of conflict between the Establishment Clause and the Free Speech Clause in the First Ammendment of the U.S. Constitution. The Establishment Clause states that Government can't establish a state church. But the Free Speech Clause guaruntees that religous views can be expressed. So what happens when a bunch of Christian students want to pray in public school? One could argue that letting the students pray, say around the flag pole at lunch time, is using state land, money, and facilities to promote Christianity, and therefore it violates the Establishment clause. On the other hand, you could argue that forbidding the Christian students from praying around the flag pole at lunchtime is a violation of the Free Speech Clause.

Daniel writes that court precedent has made clear that teacher or adminstrative-initiated religous speech, such as a teacher-led prayer, violates the Constitution. But the Supreme Court has not reviewed the issue of student-initiated religous speech. Practically speaking, we're talking about student led prayers at football games and graduation ceremonies, etc.

Daniel Washburn reviews a lot of court cases dealing with the issue of student-initiated religous speech in public schools, and then he eloquently writes in the conclusion, "Student-initiated religious speech is private speech and, as such, does not violate the Establishment Clause. Conversely, this type of speech is protected by the Free Speech Clause. Hence, schools should allow religious and secular speech that does not disrupt the school's administration of education. Religion has long been a part of American history. Students cannot be expected to divorce themselves of their religious beliefs when attending a public school. The Court, in Chandler, is not giving religious speech special treatment rather it is asserting that student-initiated religious and secular speech must be treated equally."

Dang, that conclusion is dynamite! Doesn't Washburn write well and think clearly?

I'm reminded of an incident that happened on a school bus in Mesa not too long ago. It was in the news. There's a few different versions of the story.

Version 1: Some LDS students were riding home on the school bus when they all decided to sing some LDS Church hymns. The bus driver said, "Hey, quit singing church music. You're violating the Seperation of Church and State, and that's in the Constitution!"

Version 2: The students on the bus were being rowdy and vulgar, (which is typical) and the bus driver said, "Hey, aren't a lot of you kids Mormon? You ought to sing some Mormon songs." The Mormon kids started singing Joseph Smith's First Prayer or something.

Version 3: Some LDS students on the bus started singing LDS songs, and the bus driver didn't say anything. He didn't tell them to keep singing, or stop singing. Half of the kids on the bus were filled with the Spirit, and beheld heavenly visions. And half of the kids on the bus were offended.

In version 1, one could argue that the bus driver violated the student's free speech.

In version 2, one could argue that the bus driver violated the Establishment Clause, because he's a government bus driver, on the job, and he promoted Mormonism.

In version 3, one could argue that the bus driver violated the Establishment Clause because he let the Mormon kids take over and spread their religion throughout the public school bus. And if he smiled when he heard the singing, well, that smile would practically be an endorsement of Mormonism, and an endorsement of Mormonism could be interpreted as hate speech. The bus driver, just by smiling, could have made all the gay kids on the bus suicidal! And that's gotta be a really really serious crime!

Sorry, I get absurd sometimes. But then again, practicing law is absurd sometimes.

I'm not sure which version of the incident is real. Public school busses have video cameras now, so I'm sure some government worker reviewed the tape to determine what really happened on the bus.

Whatever version of the story really happened, the bus driver got suspended for a few days and reassigned to a different bus route for misbehaving. Or maybe I'm confusing that with another story. I don't know.

I tried googling this story but I couldn't find it. I promise I read it in the news a few months or years back.

Have I ever told you that sometimes I think it would be cool to be a lawyer? If law school wasn't so long and hard and expensive, I might go. Basically my career story is...

I was going to be a teacher.

I went to college for six years to become a teacher.

I became a teacher.

I hated being a teacher.

I stopped being a teacher.

I have a wife and a kid and a house, so I got a job making movie screens at a factory in Mesa. I like the job pretty well, and maybe I'll do it for the rest of my life. It's secure, and the people there are just great people.

Gosh, how did a post about Daniel Washburn turn into a post about me?

Hey, that reminds me of a joke. What does the self-centered opera singer do to warm up? He goes, "Me me me me me!"

(You have to sing the me me me me me to make that joke funny. And now that I explained it, the joke is less funny.)

Vote for Daniel Washburn on November 2nd!


Monday, October 25, 2010

My November 2010 Sample Ballot

Dear Readers,

The people I'm voting for are in bold.

United States Senator

Glassman, Rodney (DEM)
McCain, John (REP)
Nolan, David F. (LBT)
Joslyn, Jerry (GRN)

You'll notice that Democrats are listed first on the ballot. I wonder if more people are likely to vote for the person at the top of the list of names. I think they are. And who decides which party appears at the top of the list? Does the Secretary of State flip a coin?

I voted for J.D. Hayworth in the primary election. I just have to say that. John McCain is better than the Democrat, and I kind of like the libertarian guy, but he doesn't have a chance of winning. And Sarah Palin and Mitt Romney endorse John McCain, and I love both Sarah Palin and Mitt Romney.

U.S. Representative in Congress Dist. 6

Schneider, Rebecca (DEM)
Flake, Jeff (REP)
Tapp, Darell (LBT)
Grayson, Richard (GRN)

I voted for Jeff Smith in the primary election. I just have to say that. Rebecca Schneider is a librarian. I would never want a librarian as a representative. Have you noticed how libraries are different these days? They're more enviornmentally friendly, and they have lots of liberal social programs for teens. Richard Grayson is a wack-job college professor and author, hmmm... kind of like Barack Obama!


Goddard, Terry (DEM)
Brewer, Jan (REP)
Hess, Barry J. (LBT)
Gist, Larry (GRN)

I really do like Barry Hess, but he's a libertarian and has no chance of winning. I don't think Jan Brewer is a conservative deep down inside, but it seems like she can be swayed toward conservative-ness. I don't like the way Brewer pushed for Proposition 100, the 1 % sales tax. But I like her actions relating to SB 1070.

State Senator Dist. 23

Rios, Rebecca (DEM)
Smith, Steve (REP)

I'm really excited about this race. It's going to be a close one. I think Steve Smith will win, and he definitely should win. He's the better candidate. I should have called more people or knocked on doors or put a sign in my yard for Steve Smith, but I work 50 hours a week now and I'm a sleepy guy, and it seems like the little things I do don't make much of a difference but I know if everybody believed that then America would dissolve and blah blah blah. Vote Steve Smith!

State Representative
vote for not more than 2

Bustamante, Ernest (DEM)
McGuire, Barbara (DEM)
Fillmore, John (REP)
Pratt, Frank (REP)

I'm voting for the two Republicans. I really like John Fillmore. He's got a down-to-earth Grandpa type of attitude. When asked where he got his education, he said that he had a Master's degree from the School of Hard Knocks. Ha ha ha. He runs a wood-burning stove business in Apache Junction or something. I really think Fillmore is a common sense conservative. As for Frank Pratt, well, he seems like a country-club Republican, but whatever. He's better than the Democrats.

Secretary of State

Deschene, Chris (DEM)
Bennett, Ken (REP)

I'll be honest. I have not taken the time to look into these guys. Maybe I should. I'm voting for Ken Bennett because he's a Republican. Is that bad?

Attorney General

Rotellini, Felecia (DEM)
Horne, Tom (REP)

Tom Horne's cool.

State Treasurer - I'm voting for the Republican

Superintendent of Public Instruction - I'm voting for the Republican

State Mine Inspector - I'm voting for the Republican

Corporation Comissioner - I'm voting for the Republican

Clerk of the Superior Court - I'm voting for the Republican

Justice of the Peace

Pfeifer, James (DEM)
Babeu, Shaun (REP)

Yes, you saw that right! I'm voting for a Democrat! I looked at James Pfeifer's website and he looks really qualified. But mostly I'm voting against Shaun Babeu. See, if Shaun Babeu gets elected, about two-thirds of the cases will be messed-up because of a conflict-of-interest. Shuan's brother is the Sherrif of Pinal County. So the tax-payers will have to pay for a substitute Justice of the Peace for a ton of the cases. I'm not sure how it all works, but I've read enough about this race to be confident that I'll vote for James Pfeifer. Although, I do think that Shaun Babeu will win, just because this is a Republican area and a Republican year.

I also want to say that in the August primary, I voted for Dennis Lusk, who I think would have been even better than James Pfeifer.

Constable - I'm voting for the Republican

Apache Junction Unified School District No. 43

Budget Increase, Yes

Budget Increase, No

I had no idea that I was in the Apache Junction School District. I just moved here to San Tan Valley a year ago. And I'm voting no on the budget increase. Ha! I can see the crowded classrooms and stressed-out teachers now! I am so cruel!

Board Member for the Apache Juntion School District.

Harte, Jo
Kimble, Dena
Leeb, Judith
Skinner, Debbie C. "Deborah"
Van Soest, Krista
Young, Lucy

How am I supposed to decide if they don't have a (DEM) or (REP) next to their name? Ha ha ha. I'm joking, but not really. I have no idea who I'm going to vote for. I need to look into that, or I might just leave it blank. (You know, it's probably better to leave something blank rather than just fill in a random bubble.)

As for the Propositions, I have to get going but I'll just briefly list how I'm going to vote, and add a few catchy slogans.

(I've sort of already talked about how I'm going to vote on the propositions in a previous post, but I want to write about it again, because I might have changed my mind on a few, and I've learned a few new insights on some of them since the last time I wrote.)

106 - Yes - Obliterate Obamacare!

107 - Yes - Discriminate against Discrimination!

109 - Yes - Huntin' - n - fishin' is good country livin' - put it in the Constitution!

110 - No - Reform state trust lands stuff, in general! No on 110!

111 - No - Lieutenant Governor? Lieutenant Governor? We don't need no stinkin' Lieutanant Governor!

112 - Yes - Super-Size Signature Scrutiny!

113 - Yes - Un-thuggerize Union thugs! Keep Secret Ballots Secret!

203 - No - Poo-poo on the Pot-heads!

301 - Yes - I'd rather conserve my wallet than conserve the land!

302 - Yes - First Things First = Worst Things Worst-er! Eradicate Early Education!

Remember that Tuesday, November 2nd is Election Day! Be sure to vote!


Friday, October 8, 2010

Federal Judges Strike Again!

Dear Readers,

This last August, Missouri voters rejected Obamacare by an overwhelming 75 %. That’s good news.

This upcoming November, voters from Arizona and lots of other states will pass propositions rejecting Obamacare. That’s more good news.


Passing propositions, making new state laws and even amending state constitutions might not make a bit of difference. Federal Judge Vaughn Walker recently showed Californians that Proposition 8 violated the U.S. Constitution. Federal Judge Susan Bolton recently showed Arizonans that she could stop SB 1070 from taking full effect. And now a federal judge in Michigan ruled that the individual mandate part of Obamacare (where the government forces everyone to buy health insurance) is constitutional.

From my understanding, the federal judge in Michigan uses the Commerce Clause to justify the individual mandate in Obamacare. The Commerce Clause says that Congress has the power to make laws regulating interstate commerce. The judge from Michigan explained that since everyone uses health care services at some time in their lives, everyone is always engaging in health care related commerce. And practically everyone travels outside their state of birth at some time in their lives, and many times people go out of state for health care services, so that makes the commerce “interstate.” So Congress can regulate it. And they can force you to buy health care insurance.

So, does that mean that the Government can eventually force you to eat healthy and exercise? After all, diet and exercise has to do with health-related interstate commerce. I wouldn’t doubt it. I wouldn’t doubt it if some Congressperson is hatching up a new law forcing all Americans to join a gym. I can hear the communist rationalizing the law now, “If every American joined a gym, health care costs would be astronomically lessened! Think about what a healthier populace would do for our economy! Think about what a healthier populace would do for our national security! We need the American Gym-Joining Investment Act of 2011. We need it for the future. We need it for our children.”

Whether we like it or not, the U.S. Constitution trumps state constitutions. Whether we like or not, federal law trumps state law. That pretty much means that the current power-hungry Congress and White House can pass any law they want, and the power-hungry judicial branch of the government will let them get away with it. The new definition of “Constitutional” seems to be, “anything the courts will allow.”

So, we need to elect tea-party conservatives this November. Hopefully they can appoint some conservative people in all levels of the judicial branch of the government. And hopefully this new crop of conservative politicians can repeal or at least dramatically alter Obamacare.

Hopefully the voice of the people won't be squelched.


Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Cute Pictures of My Daughter

Dear Readers,

Here are some adorable pictures of my daughter!

This is from her first birthday party. By the time she got to eating her birthday muffin, she was tuckered out. I can't believe I've been a father for a whole year now. Isn't she just adorable?

There she is in her birthday hat!!!!

Oh, and this is one of the cutest pictures of all. My wife and my daughter and I had a wonderful morning at the park. My daughter likes to play in the grass.

Arizona’s Upcoming Propositions, Part Two

Dear Readers,

Remember my post about Arizona’s upcoming propositions? Well, I just found out that State Senator Russell Pearce’s opinions on the propositions are EXACTLY THE SAME AS MINE!!!! Think about that! Russell Pearce and Telemoonfa, both working independently, came up with the same conservative decisions. I feel great about myself, and I feel great about Russell Pearce!

State Senator Russell Pearce is one of the most fiscally and socially conservative politicians around. He’s running for re-election, and I’m nearly positive he’ll win. I wish we could get more folks like him into office.

Russell Pearce got a 92.5 from the Pachyderm Coalition. Americans For Prosperity gave him the Barry Goldwater Legislator of the Year Award. Plenty of conservative think tanks that rank politicians always put him at the top of the really really conservative list. Need I say more?

But here’s something that Russell Pearce brought to my attention. One of the most controversial propositions this November is Prop 203, the proposition about legalizing marijuana in Arizona. Russell writes, “NO!!!!! THE WAY IT IS WRITTEN IT REALLY LEGALIZES MARIJUANA USE FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS TO USE IT”

I am going to vote to keep it illegal. Here’s a few reasons why:

1 - I think legalizing marijuana would increase the amount of people using marijuana (and that would be a bad thing).

2 - It’s bad for your health.

3 - It’s addictive.

4 - It’s a gateway drug.

5 - It turns a lot of people into Afroman.

6 - It’s against the Lord’s law of health, the Word of Wisdom, found in Section 89 of the Doctrine and Covenants of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. (OK, so marijuana isn't specifically mentioned by name in section 89, but if the Supreme Court can find the right to an abortion in the Constitution, I can find a marijuana ban in Section 89. Plus, it's been made very clear by modern day prophets that God does not want us smoking pot.)

It’s funny, though, I don’t like how Mayor Bloomberg is micromanaging the menus of New York City restaruants. So I may be a bit hypocritical when I vote to keep marijuana illegal this November, but I really like the Heart Attack Grill. I've never been there, but I want to go someday.


Thursday, September 30, 2010

ASU and U of A and NAU Theatre is Godless These Days

Dear Readers,

Arizona State University is doing a play called "Dreaming Darwin." From the blurb:

School of Theatre and Film faculty members Lance Gharavi and Jacob Pinholster assembled a team of ASU student artists and created a new work that would be a “fantasy on a theme” about Charles Darwin. This workshop production follows a successful 2009 staged reading and is the next step in the evolutionary process of creating a play – just in time for Darwin’s birthday!

Why the heck should ASU theatre students celebrate Darwin's birthday? I'm more inclined to celebrate Darwin's death-day. Geez, a play romanticizing Charles Darwin. What will they think of next?

How about they write a new play, "My Supper with Satan." I can see the advertisement now:

ASU students and faculty have joined cloven hooves to create a new theatrical work celebrating the eternal works of the Prince of Darkness! This play seeks to feature Satan in a totally new light- Incandescent Fuschia! After the show, audience members can participate in a sacrifice on a real Satanic altar! B.Y.O.B. (Bring your own bunny) Suitable for all ages!

Ha ha ha.

Another play ASU is doing is very politically charged. Here's the blurb promoting "La Casa Rosa":

Performance in the Borderlands opens its Fall Season with the presentation of La Casa Rosa, a play that has New York residents buzzing about the other side of immigration: the experiences of families left behind. Drawing inspiration from the real lives and experiences of a group of indigenous women from the town of Tetlanohcan in central Mexico, the play is the tale of two sisters struggling for control of their ancestral land.

Location: Arizona Latino Arts Center (corner of First Street and Adams in downtown Phoenix ), a Performance in the Borderlands Community Partner. The performance will be followed by a discussion with the group, called Soame Citlalime (Women of the Star in Náhuatl, the local language) ... It will be performed in Spanish with English super-titles.

I have to think that this play was chosen with the immigration issue in mind. I think that this play will encourage audience members to dislike Sheriff Joe Arpaio, apologize for America, and vote Democratic.

Oh, I forgot to mention that NAU is also weighing in on the immigration debate by bringing Luis Valdez to the campus. Luis Valdez is an accomplished actor and writer, but he's more into politics these days. He seems like a nice guy, but I'm pretty sure he's a communist. I think when Mr. Valdez visits the Flagstaff campus, he'll work on recruiting new members of La Raza, encourage ethnic solidarity among Hispanic students, advocate for open borders, and advocate for liberalism.

Now let's take a quick look at the University of Arizona Theatre department, and see what they're doing.

They're doing What I Did Last Summer by A.R. Gurney. Here’s an excerpt from the blurb:

As Charlie looks back on the summer he was 14, the foibles of his upper-middle-class upbringing are revealed. By the time summer ends, life-altering experiences have sown the seeds of change, highlighting the wonder of individual will against the crushing conformity of society. Adult language and themes.

I have three problems with that blurb. (I'm getting sick of saying "blurb," by the way, but I can't think of anything else to call it.)

First, the term, “upper-middle-class.” Have you ever wondered why liberals are so quick to use the terms "lower class", "upper class", "middle class"? It's because liberals love to fan the flames of class warfare. It comes straight out of the Communist Manifesto: “The history of the world is a history of class struggle.” Notice how many times Barack Obama uses those terms. It's annoying and dangerous.

Second, "the crushing conformity of society." Liberals are always whining about "conformity." They're busy trying to make free Americans think that they are enslaved.

Third, "adult language and themes." If they have to put in that notice, you know it’s got to be really bad. I remember when I was in high school, my drama class took a field trip to the University of Arizona, and we saw a play called "I Hate Hamlet" and it had the F word in it, and some other objectionable material, including a joke making fun of Mormons. There wasn't a warning or anything.

I'll show you yet another example of the depravity abounding in our state college theatre departments.

ASU is doing "Big Love," which does not have anything to do with the controversial HBO show, but the play's advertisement says, "This performance is intended for mature audiences and contains nudity."

You may be wondering, Why is Telemoonfa concerned with the plays Arizona's colleges are doing? Why doesn't Telemoonfa bury his head in his self-imposed suburban Christian bubble?

Well, I'm concerned because I love drama, I love Arizona, and I love studying drama in Arizona. But I'm worried that Christian conservative students who like drama won't be able to study drama at college without compromising their values. While I was at college, I personally saw a lot of good young Christian sheep leave the fold. And some of their waywardness began in their theatre classes.

Some may say that if conservative Christians want to avoid temptation, then they ought to go to a private college more in line with their values. That's a practical solution for some students, but the problem with that is that state colleges are publicly funded, and private schools usually aren't.

Your tax dollars are funding theatrical nudity! Does that bother you?


Vote in Person

Dear Readers,

About a month ago, when I was making phone calls for the Jeff Smith for Congress campaign, at least half of the people I called said, “I already mailed in my ballot.” It turns out that a lot of people are doing mail-in ballots these days, and so basically I called a lot of those folks for nothing.

I think people should just wait until Election Day to go to the polls and vote in person for the following reasons:

1- Voting at your local polling place is more exciting. You get to see your friends and neighbors voting and working at the polling station. I don’t know about you, but when I vote in person, I feel democracy in the air. I get a sense of government of the people, by the people, and for the people.

2- Campaigns sometimes don’t get into full gear until a few months before the election. Enthusiastic volunteers help to publicize candidates and propositions just before an election. If you wait to vote on Election Day, then you have all the information available to you.

3- If more people mail in their ballots a month or so early, politicians will start to elongate their
campaigns. Even political junkies like myself don’t like to be bombarded with political propaganda months and months before an election.

4- Scandals often break shortly before an election. Take Ben Qualye, the next Representative from Arizona, Congressional District 3, for instance. It wasn’t found out that he wrote for a raunchy website until after mail-in voting had begun. I bet there were plenty of early voters who wished that they could have changed their vote after Ben’s dirty little secret came to light.

5- If more than half of people vote early, then I think we’re wasting a lot of taxpayer money by setting up polling stations and paying the poll workers and so on.

But I understand there a lot of benefits to voting early by mail, too.

See you later.


Friday, September 24, 2010

NAU Theatre is Raunchy These Days

Dear Readers,

So I just took a peek at Northern Arizona University’s 2010-2011 Theatre Season.

They’re doing Equus. It’s a morally bad play that’s got major nudity in it. Maybe I should write a letter to the editor complaining about it.

They’re also doing The Last Days of Judas Iscariot. I’ve never heard of that play before, but here’s the promotional blurb about it:

In a hilarious dissection of history’s most legendary betrayal, Pontius Pilate, Mother Teresa, and Sigmund Freud are called to testify in a trial of Judas Iscariot. Mixing the urban vernacular with the holy and divine, arguments fill the courtroom over where Judas should reside–heaven or hell, and who is truly to blame– he or God.

My guess is that the play is going to be very sacrilegious. Religion will be mocked, and godless liberals in the audience will laugh.

Man, what’s with Mac Groves, Robert Yowell, and other liberal theatre professors wanting their students to get naked on stage?

I remember when I was in the Grapes of Wrath at NAU in the Spring of 2008. During the final scene of that play, Rose-of-Sharon Joad was supposed to breastfeed a starving stranger. The director, Dr. Robert Yowell, wanted her to actually expose her breast to the audience. It would be more powerful, Yowell figured.

I was nervous to be in a play that had nudity in it. (I was also nervous about being in a play where I had to repeatedly take the Lord’s name in vain, but that’s another story.) Thankfully, even though the actress playing Rose-of-Sharon was a left-leaning vegetarian, she had enough decency to ask the director if she could please keep herself covered. The director relented, and it was decided to have Rose-of-Sharon cover herself up with a blanket while she pretended to breastfeed. Thank goodness.

Also in Grapes of Wrath, for set decoration, Robert Yowell had a giant naked lady painted on the backdrop. It was supposed to be “artistic.” I remember Yowell saying that the giant naked lady represented the lushness and promise of California.


Looking back, the whole play was a bunch of amoral communist propaganda.


Monday, September 20, 2010

Replies to Comments

Dear Readers,

Sometimes when I read comments that you write here on Telemoonfa Time, I want to reply to them, but then I get distracted by yummy food in the fridge or my 1-year-old daughter crawling over the keyboard. So I'd like to devote this post to replying to some old comments on various posts.

First, s. asked on my last post, Stop Recycling,

is this a serious post or are you being sarcastic? i can't tell.....

Response: It's a serious post, but sometimes I got carried away. I am concerned that kids these days have replaced traditional Christian concepts of morality with new, not-so-Christian concepts of morality. I feel that there is a God-shaped vacuum in people's hearts, and they need to fill it with God, or perhaps with extreme enviornmentalism. People inherently want a sense of right and wrong, and I think that being green can satisfy that urge. But I got carried away when I was writing the post. I never buy six-packs of soda with those little plastic rings, and I never throw away paper on purpose, but I also don't recycle. And when I taught school, I got rid of my little blue recylcing can, and when students asked me, "Where do I recycle this paper?" I would just say, "Throw it away. We don't recycle in my classroom." Ha ha ha. And I still don't recycle.

Here's a comment from the Boid on Jeff Smith lost :(

"You have a lot to learn about politics, son." This reminds me of a line from an old movie: "Forget about it Jake, it's Chinatown." I live outside Arizona and haven't paid attention to this race, but I think Anonymous is right, Telemoonfa does have a lot to learn about politics. One thing to learn (if he hasn't already) is that the odds are astronomically stacked against the contender in a party primary. The party ALWAYS* supports the incumbent. Another thing to learn is that political parties are about the perpetuation of the party moreso than the advancement of good government. Both major parties are this way.

*there are very few exceptions to this. The Boid

Response: Yeah, there are few exceptions to this, but there have been a handful of exciting upsets in Republican primaries this year. Rand Paul in Kentucky, Sharron Angle in Nevada, Marco Rubio in Florida, Mike Lee in Utah, and my new favorite politician, Christine O'donnell in Delaware. I'm optimistic that the country is moving in the right direction, politically. And even though Jeff Smith lost, there are still plenty of good candidates who need our help. Here in Arizona, I hope my friends in Flagstaff and Payson will support Dr. Paul Gosar. Down in Tucson, I hope my family and friends will vote for Jesse Kelly, and also in the Tucson area, I hope the folks down there will support Ruth McLung. I'm very optimistic about how these fresh conservative politicians can undo a lot of the damage being done by Obama and the Washington establishment. And I'm very optimistic that in 2012, Obama will be voted out and replaced by a Republican. I'm hoping Mitt Romney will run and win, and then the country will be so much better.

On my recent post Dawes, Bethcabforcutie wrote

i love dawes! I have their album, but i didn't pay for it ;-) I don't like the radio much either. I only really listen to classic rock or oldies stations and even they play the same old generic songs. Good thing we have ipods!!!

Response: I love Dawes too! They're incredibly awesome. And I love my iPod! Glad to see you're still reading my blog. I imagine you don't comment on my political posts because you're a very liberal liberal living in the liberal Flagstaff going to the liberalest University in the State! That's fine though. Well, it's not fine, really. You should be conservative. Everyone should be conservative! And I'm confident that one of these days you'll see the light. Just keep reading this blog and conservative stuff. Let conservative stuff seep into your brain. Before you know it, you'll be waving a "Don't tread on me" flag and shouting portions of the Declaration of Independence at City Council meetings. Ha ha ha. Have you figured out what you want to be when you grow up yet?

On my post, My Sample Ballot for the August 2010 primary, anonymous wrote:

1st of all, I'm not tan. I'm Chickasaw. It's genetic. Secondly, I do like to have fun with metaphors and analogies. Next, I'm surprised that someone would be impressed by a man who has planned on running for two years and still believes "Stop funding of illegals" is a single piece of legislation, and campaigns off of platitudes without details. Lastly, my kids are sooooooo cute, and I've got one more coming in Dec. Boooyah! Smith is taller. Which he cleverly accentuates by having his shirt unbuttoned to just slightly above his navel.

Response: Wow! I love it when real live politicians comment on my blog! I've had Bryan Martyn comment, Richard Grayson comment, maybe some other ones, and now this one is Matt Byers! Byers recently ran against Steve Smith in the Republican primary for State Senator from Legislative District 23. Matt, I'm sorry I called you tan when that's your ethnicitiy. Gosh, I'm embarassed. Look, I respect the heck out of you for being conservative and for running for office. Thanks for coming to the Meet and Greet in Apache Junction and taking the time to talk to me and my wife. I really respect your efforts, especially because you were not getting paid to campaign, and it probably cost you a lot of time, effort and money to run for office. I don't know if I could ever do it. Maybe you should run for some other political office someday. But I did vote for Steve Smith and I support him now. I hope you can be a good fellow Republican and endorse Steve Smith now. You know he'll be better than the Democratic incumbent Rebecca Rios!

contract hell wrote on my Northstar Alarm Chronicles post


Response: I'm sorry to hear about your experiences with Northstar Alarm. What makes me feel bad is the idea that I could have been the one who got you to sign the contract in the first place. But maybe you should move on emotionally. Your contract with Northstar Alarm seems to be really upsetting you every day. I don't think it's healthy to hang on to anger like that. On another note, there were some other comments on that post that bothered me. It reminded me that I've failed at a lot of things in my life- selling alarm systems, making money at writing, teaching... I'd rather not think about my brief stint with Northstar Alarm Services anymore. I like my job now, and I like my house and family and church now, so that's good.

On my Is Computer = I More Stupider? post, an anonymous commenter wrote,

With or without computers, Arizona morons are, by nature, stupid.

Response: I get a few comments that just say I'm stupid. These comments are probably from liberals who don't feel like debating the issues, but they like to call me dumb and they like to make fun of conservatives. I put links up to the CATO Institute and the Goldwater Institute in my little section of "Links to Good Places on the Internet" because those Institutes do a wonderful job of explaining why small government and low taxes are better than bigger government and high taxes. I've learned a lot from reading some of their material. Those Institutes use reason, history, and research to defend their views. Although I do feel like I'm an educated conservative, I don't have to re-invent the wheel and re-explain why conservatism is better than liberalism here on Telemoonfa Time.

On my controversial post, Sex, Sterling Gray wrote,

Telemoonfa, am I a bad person because I have only read your posts about sex?

Response: Ha ha ha!

On my post Report on the Panel Meeting on San Tan Valley Incorporation, Bryan Martyn wrote,

Thanks for a great post. And good on ya for thinking about getting more involved.

Agree or disagree with the issue, we need clear thinkers as you who are willing to step up.

The incorporation issue is different to every family. Heck, every person. The beauty of the issue is that it will be determined by a vote of the people. Neither I, nor Mr. Johnson, nor a concerned Apache Junction citizen will determine your future; you will.

Keep up your writings and please feel free to contact me directly if you have questions or you'd like to learn more about how you can get involved.

Response: Wow! It's a politician writing on my blog! And he sounds like a politician! About Bryan Martyn, I'm glad that he's strong on national defense. He served in the military for 20 years, and I really respect that. I met him in person once and he was very nice. Too bad he recently voted to increase Pinal County's property taxes. Now that I'm a land-owner, I'm more concerned with property taxes. But you renters should be concerned with property taxes, too, because landlords just pass on the cost of taxation to the renters, and your rent goes up.

OK, see you later!


Thursday, September 16, 2010

Stop Recycling

Dear Readers,

You should stop recycling. It’s dumb.

Did you know that one time my Dad was at the town dump and he saw a taxpayer funded dump-worker move a big metal bin of glass over and throw it away with the rest of the regular garbage? People had to separate their glass and put it in the special bin, or else they got charged a fee, but then the dump workers just threw it away anyway. My Dad asked the guy why he was mixing the glass with the rest of the trash, and the guy said, “Oh, well, the place that we give the glass to doesn’t need any more glass right now.”

Grrr! How often does that happen? Probably a lot!

I have a sneaking suspicion that recycling creates a bigger carbon footprint than not recycling. Now that people recycle, you need a recycling trashcan as well as your regular trashcan, a recycling dumpster as well as a regular dumpster, and a recycling processing center as well as a regular landfill. And, to enforce recycling programs, you have to establish a Bureau of Recycling with plenty of planners and managers and organizers and quality control specialists (and of course all those folks will need to conduct retreats and do team-building exercises and have therapy and great salaries and pensions and paid vacations). In addition the astronomical staffing requirements to run the Bureau of Recycling, the Bureau requires the latest and greatest technology!

Look, in Great Britain, there are microchips in people’s trashbins!

Look, in Canada, security cameras are everywhere, and government spies are video-taping your garbage habits!

Look, in San Franscico, you get fined a hundred smack-a-roos for not recycling! But if you leave your recyling bin in the street for too long, you get fined another hundred smack-a-roos!

And if we don't fight against recycling right now, it might be too late!

That's why I'm asking you to take a stand. I know it will be hard for some of you, but I need you to join me on this one.

Get out a fresh piece of paper. A brand new white piece of paper. Do you have it in your hands?


Now rip it up! Tear it into little bitty pieces! Now go throw it in your trash can! Did you do it? Good. Now give yourself a pat on the back, because you just helped America!

I had a conversation about morality on the NAU campus, a guy said, “Hey, I don’t think I’m that bad of a guy. I mean, I’m not going to throw trash on the ground on purpose or anything.”

Isn't it funny that the first example of immorality that came to this college student’s mind was not disposing of trash properly? Why didn’t he say, “Hey, I don’t think I’m that bad of a guy. I mean, I always tell the truth,” or "I'm saving myself for marriage."

Without further ado, I bring you my 8-point trash platform.

Telemoonfa's Trash Platform:

1. Telemoonfa opposes all measures to force residents to use the same trash service.

2. No more guilt-inducing public service announcements about recylcing.

3. No more billboards, commercials, etc., telling us we should recylce.

4. No more bragging about how much post-consumer material went into whatever product you're consuming.

5. No more little stickers on disposable cups that say, "After enjoying this beverage, please be kind to Our Mother. Recylce this cup, or re-fashion it into a wind-chime/bird feeder while listening to Enya. Peace." I hate those stickers!

6. No more recyling. Just manufacture more stuff when you want it. And then throw away the stuff after you've used it or you're tired of it.

7. Don't cut the plastic rings that come on six-packs of soda. That way, little birds and rodents will get stuck in them. Once the animals are trapped, we can kill them and eat them, and turn their feathers and paws into charms. We can sell the charms, and that will revitalize the economy.

8. I guess you can safely dispose of motor oil, grease and car batteries. And maybe burning tires in your backyard isn't such a good idea.


Thursday, September 9, 2010

Terry Jones vs. Lots of Angry Muslims

Dear Readers,

So I’ve been following the burning the Koran story. And I want to write about it.

First of all, I need to say that I don’t think Pastor Terry Jones ought to burn any Korans. I don’t think he should encourage anybody to burn any Korans. Burning a book that so many people believe to be the holy Word of God is wrong. I would be terribly offended and saddened if someone burned the Bible and/or the Book of Mormon in an act of protest.

If Terry Jones doesn’t like Islam, why doesn’t he just say something like, “Islam is a false religion. Muhammad was not a true prophet. Sure, some of the Muslims are nice folks, but everyone should be Christian, and not Muslim.” He could even say that Muslims are horrible sinners and they’ll burn in Hell forever. Or why doesn’t he just write letters to the editor of his local newspaper? Why doesn’t he encourage his followers to spread his anti-Islamic message through literature and arguments? Why does Terry Jones feel that he has to burn Korans and be so shocking and offensive?

I’ve never really understood protestors who do big symbolic, shocking things, like the folks who burn the American flag. Why don’t they just say, “In my opinion, America is not that great. America has done a lot of bad things, like enslaving people, disenfranchising minorities, and giving Paris Hilton her own reality TV show. I hear that things are much better in Holland.”

Well, for some reason the act of burning an American flag is more dramatic and shocking, even though all the flag-burners are trying to say is, “I hate America. America is bad.”

Well, I think that burning the flag just makes the flag-burner look immature. I’ve always kept my distance from protestors who speak symbolically through vandalism, or messing with effigies, or blowing stuff up. I prefer protestors to speak literally, not symbolically.

Like remember when Sinead O Connor tore up a picture of the Pope on Saturday Night Live? I thought that that incident was in very poor taste, and I lost respect for the woman. Why didn’t she just call together a press conference and say, “I don’t care for the Pope or the Catholic Church for the following reasons...” She might not have generated as much press, but at least she would have been taken a lot more seriously by mature adults who are persuaded by arguments and not by shocking stunts.

But then again, the original Boston Tea Party people dressed up like Native Americans and dumped a bunch of tea into the sea. They were violent, rowdy protestors. They didn’t just politely ask King George III to stop being so tyrannical; they staged big demonstrations and they destroyed property and they used violence. And I guess it’s kind of cool to see people dress up and block traffic and yell into bullhorns. It breaks up the monotony of the day.

And the Supreme Court has ruled that burning the flag is protected under the freedom of speech clause in the First Ammendment. And so is burning the Bible or the Book of Mormon or the Koran.

But if you read this article, the most shocking thing to me is not Pastor Terry Jones’ plans to burn Korans, but this prominent Muslim’s response to the situation:

"If this [burning the Korans] happens, I think the first and most important reaction will be that wherever Americans are seen, they will be killed. No matter where they will be in the world they will be killed."

I'm not sure, but that statement might be a threat.

And Terry Jones claims that he has received over a hundred death threats, and I believe him. Radical Muslims have been known to threaten people with death, and they’ve also been known to carry out their threats.

That is not the way Muslims should respond. They should not kill anyone. They should not threaten people with death or violence. They should not use this incident to radicalize Muslims or incite more violence and terror.

So, what should Muslims do in response? Um, how about publish articles, write letters, chat about it with friends and neighbors? How about blog about it?

Wait, I have another idea. Why don't the offended Muslims hold a candlelight vigill? Or maybe they could write poems and songs about how much they dislike Terry Jones, and about how much they love the Koran?

But maybe the best thing Muslims can do about the Koran-burning is ignore it.

I mean, as a Mormon, I’ve kind of been in a similar situation as Muslims are. People have desecrated the Bible and the Book of Mormon before, and what have I done about it? Nothing. I just keep going to Church and saying my prayers and trying to raise a god-fearing family.

The only time I recall responding to messed up anti-Mormon stuff is when HBO did an episode of Big Love with sacred temple stuff in it. I called HBO and told them I was offended and I wished that they wouldn’t air the episode. I think they aired the episode anyway. I can't remember. But I didn’t threaten anybody’s life or do anything violent.

I think this whole burning-the-Koran thing can be a teachable moment. Muslims can learn to accept constructive criticism and to turn the other cheek. And Terry Jones can learn that doing really offensive things at the right time gets you famous.


Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Steve Smith! Part Two

Dear Readers,

If it weren’t for Steve Smith and the propositions, I might not even vote this upcoming November 2nd. I mean, John McCain is going to win no matter how I vote, and so is Jan Brewer, and so is Jeff Flake, and so are most of the Republican candidates for state offices. This is a Republican year. Many Democrats are upset with Obama, and so lots of them are becoming Republican or Independent. That’s good news, but I sort of wish I could vote in a more exciting race, like Sharron Angle vs. Harry Reid in Nevada, or Ron Johnson vs. Russ Feingold in Wisconsin.

Luckily, there’s an exciting race in my Legislative District, good old LD 23: Steve Smith vs. Rebecca Rios.

I’ll be voting for Steve Smith.

Steve Smith is clearly the better candidate. I think I’ll help out with his campaign a little bit, but I don’t think I’ll invest so much emotionally as I did with Jeff Smith’s campaign.

I think Steve Smith’s got a really good chance of winning, because he’s the Republican, and like I said, this is a Republican year.

But um, he might lose just because Rebecca Rios has money, name recognition, connections and she’s the incumbent. Plus, Rebecca Rios has a ka-billion signs up in my neck of the woods, and I haven’t seen a single Steve Smith sign. So I think Smith should work on closing the sign-gap.

But Rebecca Rios is soooo liberal!!! And she really needs to lose!!!

I already wrote about Rebecca Rios’s ultra-liberal liberalness here.

Rebecca Rios is the definition of a career politician. If you look up “career politician” in the dictionary, you’ll see a picture of Rebecca Rios.

When Rebecca Rios was in high school and it was career day, Rebecca went straight to the “politics” booth and stayed there all day. She got an A + in government class, not because she really understood any of the content, but because she did an oral interpretation of the Miranda rights dressed up as a sexy Lady Liberty.

Steve Smith, on the other hand, is a conservative new-comer who, unlike Rios, has actually had some private sector jobs. And he’s very Christian, and he’s got an adorable wife and kids. And it looks like he’ll really work on fixing the illegal immigration problem, which, in turn, would help the economy problem. I don’t agree with him on everything. I wish he were a little more socially conservative. Well, I’m sure he’s socially conservative when it comes to his personal life, but he might be a bit more libertarian when it comes to, say, the marijuana issue. I thought I read a survey he filled out once about social issues, but I can’t find it now. Anyway, Steve Smith is pro-life, so that’s good. Blah blah blah,

Vote for Steve Smith this Tuesday, November 2nd!

On another note, I’m still stewing over Jeff Smith’s loss. What makes my sorrow deeper is the fact that a gigantic Jeff Flake billboard went up just the other day on the 60 freeway in Mesa on my drive home from work. Gosh, did Flake have to rub his victory in like that? Why didn’t he put up the billboard before the primary, when he actually had some competition? Now he’s just wasting money. And I thought Flake was supposed to be the champion of penny-pinching!
Rebecca Schneider, the lesbian socialist librarian, has no chance of beating the Eagle Scout, farmhand, and GQ model all-rolled-into-one Jeff Flake. (OK, I'm not 100% sure that Schneider is a lesbian, but unless my gaydar is malfunctioning, um... come on... she wears a man's haircut... she loves dogs... it doesn't take Scooby-Doo to solve this mystery!)

I’ve got a message for you, Jeff Flake: I’ll vote for you, and if I see you at church I’ll smile and shake your hand, but whenever I see your gratuitous billboard, I'll make a Wolverine-clawing motion with my hand in the air!


Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Jeff Smith lost! :(

Dear Readers,

Well, Jeff Smith lost.

I'm sad, but I'm not completely surprised. Jeff Flake is the incumbent, he has a lot of name recognition, and he hasn't had any big scandals. There were a lot of people who told me I was crazy for supporting Jeff Smith just because he had no chance. It seemed that those naysayers never talked about the issues or compared and contrasted the candidates or anything, they just said, "Well, Jeff Flake isn't doing too bad, and he's well-known, and Jeff Smith doesn't have enough money or a big enough name." And I got discouraged when I read that Espresso Pundit wrote, "This isn't even a race. Jeff Smith is taking on Jeff Flake. Smith has no money and no chance." Espresso Pundit was echoing the conventional wisdom that an underfunded, honest grassroots tea-party candidate can't beat a career politician.

Gosh, I'm really upset and I need to go to bed.

I just wrote Jeff Smith the following letter:

Jeff Smith,

Sorry to hear the news about your loss. I voted for you, my wife voted for you, I wore a Jeff Smith button when I was out and about, I told my family and friends and co-workers about you, I blogged about you, I put a Jeff Smith bumpersticker on my car, I distributed signs and literature to a few people around San Tan Valley, I put a sign in my yard, I put up a few signs around my neighborhood, I sat in front of the polling place for two hours this morning, I knocked on just a few doors, I left your literature on maybe a hundred doors, I spent about 8 - 10 hours on the phone calling people, I donated 25 bucks to your campaign, and I hosted a Meet and Greet.

And I know that you did a ga-zillion times more than I did. But you still lost. I'm disappointed.

I'm really really bummed right now. I'm afraid for our country. One of the things that upsets me the most is Ben Qualye winning in CD 3. Did the people voting for him look into his record at all? Or were they convinced by all those TV ads his Dad and his Dad's friends bought for him? Another thing that makes me mad is the really really low voter turnout rate- about 20 % I think. Why don't more people care about the direction of our country? I don't get it. But, I think your campaign did some good, and I don't regret helping you get a few more votes. Maybe you could run again in two years, but I'm sure you don't want to think about that now.

Thank you for running. I hope you don't think that all your effort was wasted. You inspired a lot of people, including me, and you added to the public political discourse in a positive way. People need to hear your message of fiscal and social conservatism, and they need to hear what Flake's stances are on illegal immigration and global warming, among other things.

Thanks again for running against Jeff Flake. It's been a pleasure getting to know you and working with you. I think you're a great man and a true patriot. Best of luck to you on your future endeavors.


P.S. I have plenty more commentary on the other Primary election results, like the Governor race and the Senate race and stuff, but I have to go to bed now. For more up-to-the-minute commentary on the election results, refer to pundits who get paid to be pundits. Goodnight.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Jeff Smith! Again! Part Two! Returns!

Dear Readers,

I just posted the following at

which is like a local newspaper chat board forum thing. Enjoy.

Yeah, Jeff Smith is awesome. I support him all the way.

I had him over to my house for a Meet and Greet and I interviewed him and tape-recorded it and typed it up and put it on my blog, Telemoonfa Time. If you feel like reading a lot, you can go to

This is sort of a plug for my own blog, but really it would probably be better if you just went to Jeff Smith's website to read about him:

One of my personal favorite parts of Jeff Smith's website was Jeff Smith's point (I think it's in the guiding principles section) that being fiscally conservative and socially conservative are linked closer than a lot of people want to think it is. But campaign season isn't exactly the time to get philosophical about politics. All of us in Congressional District 6 have a practical choice to make on August 24th- are we going to vote for Jeff Smith or Jeff Flake?

Here's a few reasons why I'm voting for Jeff Smith:

1. I like the guy. I've met with him personally on a number of occasions, and he has a great personality. Smith's nice and friendly, but he's not a pushover. I believe once he's a Representative, he'll stand strong against Washington corruption.

2. Jeff Smith is right on all the issues. He'll fight to repeal or dramatically reform Obamacare, he'll oppose government bailouts, and if anyone offers him a bribe, he'll refuse it. I know Flake usually fights against wasteful spending too. But when you're weighing the overall effectiveness of a politician, I think you need to look at not only how they vote, but you need to look at what they actively fight for. Flake has been a good soldier on the earmark front. Flake, or his aides, even spotlight a new egregious earmark each week. It's very cute. And fighting earmarks is great, but earmarks only account for about 1 % of the federal budget, while entitlements like Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid, account for more than half of the federal budget. So if you really want to fix the federal budget, you need to fix the entitlements. Why hasn't Flake gone after entitlements? Why has Flake chosen to save the earth from global warming through economy-killing cap-and-trade? Why has Flake chosen to work with the ultra-liberal Luis Gutierrez on comprehensive immigration reform a.k.a amnesty?

3. Smith majored in economics in college. Flake majored in political science. I know from experience that the economics and business majors tend to be more conservative and level-headed than the political science majors.

4. Smith has a Master's of Business Administration. Flake doesn't.

5. Smith has experience working for AT&T and Lucent Technologies, competing in the private sector, and he has experience starting his own business- a financial advisory firm. (I bet Congress could benefit from Smith's financial advice) Flake's private sector experience? Um... he doesn't have any. Well, he worked in a public relations firm, which is all about rhetoric and influencing people, and that may technically be "private sector," but it's not "private sector" in the usual sense of the term, like selling phones and hooking up telecommunications networks and stuff, like Jeff Smith did. So, Jeff Flake doesn't have any private sector experience. You know what other prominent politician doesn't have any private sector experience? Barack Obama! And look at how well Obama's turning out!

6. Smith's record is immaculate. I doubt the guy has ever gotten a speeding ticket! Ha ha ha. OK, I really don't know that, but still, the Flake campaign hasn't been able to uncover any scandalous skeletons in Smith's closet yet, and that's because there aren't any.

7. Jeff Smith hasn't lived his life knowing that he wanted to be in politics. Jeff Flake, on the other hand, wrote a essay in 7th grade titled, "My plan to be a powerful politician for forever". And Jeff Flake enjoyed dressed up as a king every Halloween. Ha ha ha. Seriously, I have a mistrust of people who plan on becoming politicians from their childhood. A lot of the great figures like George Washington and Abraham Lincoln didn't plan on making a career out of politics. I think it's clear that Flake has his sights set on becoming a Senator someday. It's like Flake's just waiting in line, paying his dues in the political machine, waiting until Kyl or McCain retire or die. That's not the way American politics should be.

8. I have other reasons, but I have to go now.

And here's a good video for you:



Dear Readers,

Just when I start to lose faith in new bands, a band like Dawes comes along. They’re a refreshing group of young guys from California who play the guitar and the drums and they sing. I just discovered them on the Internet today, and if I wasn’t such a tightwad I would buy their one and only album, North Hills. Someday I’ll buy it. And maybe I’ll see them in concert someday. But I’ve listened to a few of their songs, and all I have to say is, “Wow, they’re awesome.”

In an attempt to describe their sound to you through written form, I would call Dawes indie mellow folk rock. I only throw “indie” in there because they aren’t really well known, but I think they will be better known soon. Talent and passion this great can’t remain in obscurity for too long.

But wait! Before I buy that album, I need to remember the time when I heard “Postcards from Hell” by the Wood Brothers on Pandora Internet Radio, and it had such a good first impression on me that I quickly spent about twenty bucks on their albums, Ways Not To Lose and Loaded. But now those two albums sit in my CD case, and I never feel like listening to them, and I don’t really even like the Wood Brothers anymore. I think it’s the singer that bugs me. I think he’s trying too hard to be all folksy and Southern. Of course, early critics of Bob Dylan probably said he was trying to hard to be someone he wasn’t, but whatever.

Dawes is awesome.


P.S. I think that Dawes is better than 90% of the music you hear on the radio. If I was in charge of a radio station, I would play the music I wanted to play, like Dawes and the Grateful Dead and Bob Dylan until the radio station went out of business because nobody would listen to it anymore. Then I would get bitter at the people who stopped listening to my radio station. I would think I was smarter than them. I would think I had better taste.

But if I had my own radio station, I would play music that was objectively better, from my point of view, than the stuff they play on the radio these days. I would play music that would be good for people to hear, whether they liked it or not. I would impose my superior values and musical tastes on all those tuning in.

Maybe I’m not much different than Judge Vaughn Walker who thinks he knows what’s best for the country. (You know, the Proposition 8 gay marriage in California thing going on.) I still think his ruling was wrong and I hope it gets overturned either by the court of appeals or the Supreme Court, but sometimes it’s good to try to identify with your political opponents.

Gosh, couldn’t I go one blog post without getting political? Oh, I’m a stranger in a strange land. But some of you seem pretty cool. You know, sometime we should get together and sip beverages. We could yak about the weather while avoiding eye contact.

Monday, August 16, 2010

My Sample Ballot for the August 2010 primary

Dear Readers,

The other day I got a very exciting piece of mail- my Republican sample ballot for the August 2010 primary election!

In some cases I’m sure about who I’m going to vote for, but in other cases, I have no clue. I barely understand what some of these positions do. How am I supposed to know who would do the best job? I’m thinking about just leaving some of them blank.

Anyway, here's all my voting opinions for this upcoming primary election day, on Tuesday, August 24th, along with some commentary. The people I'm going to vote for are in bold. If I don't know who I'm going to vote for, I'll put question marks by the office title in italics. Enjoy!

United States Senator

Deakin, Jim
Hayworth, J.D.
McCain, John

I’m voting for J.D. Hayworth. Hayworth helped write the Bush tax cuts while McCain argued against them, and J.D. wrote a whole book on how to stop illegal immigration, and he’s endorsed by Sheriff Joe and Russell Pearce.

Some of you might wonder why I’m not voting for Jim Deakin, since he seems like a tea-party conservative Constitutionalist guy. The answer is simple. I’m not voting for Jim because he has no chance of winning. I’m not really interested in making a statement or being a principled loser, like third party candidates are. I’m interested in supporting conservative electable candidates. The simple fact is, Jim Deakin hasn’t raised enough money, and not enough people know about him. He hasn’t got enough support from big conservative names and groups. And, I feel like in this case, a vote for Jim Deakin is a vote for John McCain.

Some of you might wonder why I’m not voting for John McCain. John McCain limited free speech with the unconstitutional McCain-Feingold bill, he favored amnesty with the McCain-Kennedy immigration bill, he took over a million bucks from a convicted ponzi schemer, and he’s been in politics forever. And McCain has been incredibly cruel to J.D. this whole campaign. McCain shut down J.D. Hayworth’s cool radio show at the beginning of this year, and he’s spent so much money on trash-talking radio and TV commercials maliciously attacking J.D. Hayworth.

J.D. Hayworth is not an angel, but he’s the best option in this race.

U.S. Representative in Congress District 6

Flake, Jeff
Smith, Jeff

I’m voting for Jeff Smith, mostly because… well, if you’ve been reading this blog, you know why. I’m more excited about this race than any other race. Jeff Smith is a candidate that I really like and really believe in, more so than any other candidate. He’s the only candidate I’ve ever donated money to, and that’s a big deal to me, because I’m a frugal and stingy guy. Although there has been no polling done for this race, anecdotal evidence indicates that Jeff Smith has a good chance of winning. I probably know at least 50 people who are going to vote for him. One of the things I love about this race is that there are only two Republicans running, so voters have a very clean, easy choice to make.

In contrast, voters in Congressional District 3 are going to have a difficult time deciding which of the 10 Republicans to vote for. I’d vote for Pamela Gorman there, but then I’d be afraid that that would split the vote between two or more conservative candidates and give Ben Qualye, the son of Dan Qualye, the Republican nomination. If Ben Qualye wins the nomination, I’m going to pull my hair out. Did you hear that Ben Qualye sent out mailers with a picture of his family -- except that his “family” consisted of himself, his newly acquired wife and dog, and some photogenic children that he borrowed for the photo? Ha ha ha! And did you hear that Ben Qualye used to be a scotch-sipping skirt-chasing Scottsdale socialite? Ha ha ha!


Mills, Buz
Brewer, Jan
Jette, Matthew
Martin, Dean

OK, um, I think I’ll vote for Buz Mills even though he suspended his campaign and even though the polls say that Jan Brewer is definitely going to win no matter how any of us vote. But then in the general election I’m going to vote for a Libertarian candidate just to make a principled statement. I like Dean Martin a lot, but he's nerdy. Seriously, on his Facebook page, his one and only favortie movie listed is Star Trek. It already hurts him that he's tubby and pasty and dons spectacles- did he have to announce his nerdiness to the universe by listing that movie? He should have listed a manlier movie like James Bond or The Ten Commandments. Geez, he might as well give a campaign speeches in Klingon! Ha ha ha! No, we don't need a level 14 dungeon and dragons wizard leading Arizona, (I don't care how well he did is calculus class!) we need a rootin'-tootin'-cowboy! We need a guy who shoots guns and lives on a ranch and smokes cigars. We need Buz Mills. But it'd be cool to have a pot-smoking tax evader for our Governor, too, like Barry Hess. Ha ha ha.

State Senator District 23

Byers, Matt
Smith, Steve

This is a really difficult one. I met both of them last night at a Republican candidate Meet and Greet in Apache Junction. I like both of them. They both seem like good young conservative guys who are right on all the issues, but I’m going to vote for Steve Smith.

See, Matt Byers is really tan, and I don’t trust people that are too tan. Ha ha ha. Seriously, though, I think Byers uses way too many crazy analogies and metaphors on his website.

Steve Smith seems more straight-talking and passionate. And he’s really tall. I like tall people. They can see farther, so they can lead better. Plus, Steve Smith has an adorable one-month old baby at home. I have a soft mushy spot in my heart for babies, and whenever I see one or even hear about one, the mushy spot in my heart starts pulsating rapidly. Come to think of it, maybe I should get that checked out.

But then again, I like Matt Byers’ background. He’s had a lot of different blue-collar jobs.

But then I’ve got to remember that Steve Smith is taller. And he has a cute baby. Plus, Steve Smith has been planning on running for two years, so he’s been preparing himself for being a state Senator. Plus, Sheriff Joe, Russell Pearce, Arizona Right to Life and some other conservative people and groups have endorsed him.

But then again, Matt Byers comes into my wife’s work sometimes, and he’s friendly, so he’s got that guy-from-down-the-street appeal going for him.

This is one of those votes that I’m not really really really sure about, but I’m going to vote for Steve Smith.

And I’ll vote for either one of these guys in the general election, because we need to get rid of the current liberal state Senator Rebecca Rios.

State Representative District 23

Fillmore, John
Pratt, Frank

You can vote for two candidates in this race, and these are the only Republicans running, so I’ll vote for both of them.

Secretary of State

Bennett, Ken

I don’t know anything about Ken Bennett, but he’s the only one running, so of course I’ll vote for him.

Attorney General ?????

Thomas, Andrew P.
Horne, Tom

I don’t know much about this race. I know I used to get emails from Tom Horne when I was a teacher. And I know he worked to shut down the La Raza classes in the Tucson Unified School District, and he investigated the Ajo Unified school district for bussing in Mexican nationals to school everyday. So I like that about Tom Horne, but maybe Andrew Thomas is a good guy, too. I don’t know.

State Treasurer

Verschoor, Thayer
Carpenter, Ted
Ducey, Doug
Leff, Barbara

I think I’ll vote for Thayer Verschoor for State Treasurer because the conservative blog Seeing Red AZ endorses Verschoor, and they have some bad things to say about Doug Ducey. I guess Ducey didn’t pay his taxes for a few years or something. Really, I don’t know much about this race.

Superintendent of Public Instruction ?????

Dugan, Margaret
Huppenthal, John
Price, Beth

No idea.

State Mine Inspector

Hart, Joe

Joe Hart is hands down the best State Mine Inspector candidate ever! Ha ha ha. Just kidding. I have no idea. But he’s the only one running.

Corporation Commissioner ?????

Burns, Brenda
Pierce, Gary
Wong, Barry

You get to vote for two. I’m going to vote for Barry Wong and I don’t know who else.

Clerk of the Superior Court

Roche, Chad

He’s the only one running so I’ll vote for him.

Justice of the Peace

Babeu, Shaun
Lusk, Dennis

This is an interesting race. They've both put up a ga-zillion signs all over my neck of the woods. Judge Lusk has been doing the lawyer and judge thing for a long time, and Shaun Babeu is a prison guard who's riding on his brother's coattails. Shaun's brother is the now famous Pinal County Sheriff Paul Babeu. After briefly talking with Dennis Lusk, and after reading a little bit about this race online, I knew Lusk was the qualified one.

I know right now I'm fond of throwing out incumbents, but I think when it comes to electing a judge, you don't want an inexperienced political outsider; you want someone who can run the court effeciently. Lusk said that if the people were to choose Babeu, the court in Apache Junction would run really really slow, and justice wouldn't be served as well. Plus, I think there might be a conflict of interest with Shaun running the court and his brother being the Sheriff. I think they could work in cahoots to mess with people they don't like. I feel like electing Shaun Babeu would be like starting a local political family dynasty, and I don't like that.

I'm certain about this race. Vote for Dennis Lusk.

Constable ?????

Mcclaren, Jack
Palmer, Merle e.

What the heck does a constable do? I don’t like constables. “Constable” sounds like a title of nobility, and titles of nobilities are unconstitutional! Didn’t we put a stop to all constables and constable-like behavior when we rebelled from Great Britain?!

Judge of the Superior Court Div 1

Washburn, Daniel

He's the only one running.

Judge of the Superior Court Div 4


Judge of the Superior Court Div 7


Judge of the Superior Court Div 8


Are these spots just going to go unfulfilled? Or should I write in a name? Although, I think you can only write in the names of official write-in candidates. I don’t get it. Whatever.

Judge of the Superior Court Div 10

Fuller, Steve

He's the only one running.

OK, that about wraps it up. You don't have to vote like I do, but I hope you do. I think some of my votes are sort of informed, anyway.

Happy Voting!