Saturday, December 26, 2009

The Pre-Columbian Native Americans

I've seen framed pictures of them in museums.

They sang songs about
the rain dropping down,
the rain dropping down,
the rain dropping down,
the corn growing up,
the corn growing up,
the corn growing up.

They danced and sacrificed
for their quaint gods.

The Warm Embrace of a Loving God

Clocks are kept around to ensure
important appointments are punctually attended.
But now and then we put away the clocks.

Years come and go.
The older I get the more I realize I'm older.
I've seen a lot of things,
I've heard a lot of things,
I've said and done a lot of things.
I don't care for more elucidation.
We know what we've done.

Years come and go.

I have faith in my beautiful body,
in your beautiful body,
in our brains, our lungs, our livers.
Believe in them. Our fleshy instruments
are there, making a symphony.

Have you stopped, when the clocks are away,
to bow before the majesty of the pancreas?
I reccomend it.

Years come and go.
A cold horse is on the horizon,
A cold horse is coming toward us.
Our blood will soon settle.

Electricity shocking the head,
weight pressing on the chest,
bones folding,
redness pouring from a hot torso spout,
the emasculating sickness whittling away
at earthly faculties,
scratching at the coffin ceiling

These things have their seasons
they come and go like ocean waves.

I have it on good authority-
the calmness of my mind-
that death is a blooming plant.

Watch out for nukes that will kill us all.

Await the warm embrace of a loving God.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Barack Wrote Me Back!

Dear Readers,

Remember that letter I wrote to the President a while back? (I learned how to use the link function, so I don't have to copy and paste the whole URL anymore! I'm like totally a professional blogger.)

Well, I got a letter back from Mr. Obama. It was so kind of him to write back. I decided to post the letter here. My responses are in red.

Dear Friend:

Thank you for contacting me. I appreciate hearing your perspective on global warming. (Yeah, right.) Few challenges facing our Nation are more urgent. (I bet I can name at least thirty seven more urgent challenges. Thirty seven is more than a few. Oh, and by "more urgent" I mean "actually real.") The facts are clear, (Whatever you gotta tell yourself.) and the science is beyond dispute. (Say it over and over and it might come true.) We know that we cannot keep burning fossil fuels and adding greenhouse gases to the atmosphere without consequence. (You're right about that one. The consequence will probably be more warmth in the winter, more coolness in the summer, more general health and comfort...) If left unchecked, our continued dependence on these sources of energy will further weaken our economy and threaten our national security. (Drill, baby, drill!)

We are addressing the climate crisis first and foremost by pursuing a clean energy future (Is "clean energy future" your special way of saying "COMMUNIST DICTATORSHIP"???!!!) that makes our country safer and more prosperous. The American Recovery and Reinvestment Act puts Americans to work weatherizing homes and buildings, doubling our supply of renewable energy, and advancing scientific research. My 2010 Budget makes further investments in a clean energy economy that will create good-paying jobs through funding for wind and solar power, advanced biofuels, clean coal, and fuel-efficient cars. In addition, my Administration is pursuing comprehensive legislation to move toward energy independence and prevent the worst consequences of global warming while creating incentives to make clean energy profitable in America. (This is a good letter, rhetorically speaking. It sounds great, like your speeches. I'm being serious here. If I listen to you long enough, Mr. Obama, I might be spellbound by your charisma. You're a great politician.)

The response to global warming, however, must be global. (No it doesn't, because global warming isn't real!) Just as we work to reduce our own emissions, we must forge solutions that ensure every country does its part. (Solutions like dumping tons of U.S. money into the pockets of third-world dictators?)

Our choices as individuals and as a Nation will ultimately define the world we leave to our children. (You sound like you're in a beauty contest.) To learn more about my plan to act boldly (Why don't you act humbly or cowardly once in a while? Politicians are always acting boldy.) on global warming and meet our obligation to future generations, I encourage you to join me online you again for writing. (Hey, no problem.)


Barack Obama

To be a part of our agenda for change, (a.k.a. to become an Obama zombie) join us at

(Let me ask you a question, Mr. Obama: How many people have died so far from global warming? I think that number is a big fat zero. So why is global warming such a pressing issue? And why are you bent on spending so much money on it? Know how many people died in Poland this month from cold weather? 79. Here's the proof. Maybe burning more fossil fuels would have helped those 79 people see a few more sunrises.

I also want to tell you that I was disapointed that the climate change conference in Copenhagen turned anti-capitalist and anti-American. Hugo Chavez's speech was outrageous. He got a standing ovation for saying, "socialism... that’s the way to save the planet, capitalism is the road to hell….let’s fight against capitalism and make it obey us.”

But I suspect that the global warming movement was always secretly communist anyway. Mr. Obama, I wish you would have heeded Sarah Palin's advice and just boycotted Copenhagen.

I might write to you again, but I don't think it will do much good. I realize that I'm just talking to one of your staff members, and not really you, or maybe I'm talking to a computer program that searches for terms in my email and then sends back an automated response... say lah vee. But know that next November I'll be voting for conservative politicians. OOOooo! Doesn't that scare you?

Thank you. And I'm sorry for being rude to you. I just had to let off some steam. Can we be friends again?

Oh, and I have another suggestion for you, Mr. President. Look into
this. The article on the other end of that link is about Nathan Myhrvold, a scientist who claims he can stop global warming by putting a hose up into the sky and pumping a bunch of sulfur into the stratosphere, thus preventing a little bit of the sun's heat from reaching the earth. According to Mr. Myhrvold, trapped C02 will make the earth a little warmer, more sulfur in the stratosphere would make the earth a little cooler, so the weather will get balanced out, and we'll all be just fine.

Here's my suggestion. Let's do nothing about global warming for a while. Say a decade or two. Let's concentrate on the economy and the war on terror for the time being. Then, if the temperature really starts rising like Al Gore says it will (which I don't think it will) then we can use Mr. Myhrvold's idea. Or maybe another scientist will come up with another way to cool the earth down that doesn't involve setting up a world government and plunging billions into poverty. Sound like a good idea?

But you probably won't look into Mr. Myhrvold's idea becuase you're in the business of supressing genuine science and you're into squelching prosperity, just because you want to be sooooo mean!

I wonder if oil is really a non-renewable resource, like the enviornmentalists keep telling us it is. The story we're often told is that oil is a finite fossil fuel because it comes from dinosaur bones that get mixed with lava or something, and you know, there's only so many dinosaur bones out there, so once they run out, we'll have to rely on wind and solar and live in teepees and blah blah blah.

Dinosaur bones! Ha! It's laughable!

The Earth is only 6,000 years old and there's no such thing as dinosaurs. The things scientisits call "dinosaur bones" are just funny rocks put there by Satan to dissuade believers!)


P.S. Merry Christmas.

"Christmas in the Heart" album review

Dear Readers,

I just got Bob Dylan's latest album, Christmas in the Heart. It's the first Christmas album he's ever done, and it's really really good. I just got it yesterday, and I've already listened to it three times all the way through. I think you’d like it, too.

I like the way that Bob Dylan doesn't take himself so seriously as a poet/musician/trapeze artist that he sees himself as being above doing a Christmas album. A snooty, serious, artsy artist wouldn't do a Christmas album, since Christmas albums can be seen as being overdone, commercial, and accessible to a wide range of people.

(Maybe that’s what prevented Bob Dylan from doing a Christmas album before… but I wonder why he didn’t do one during his heavily Christian phase, when he was putting out albums like Empire Burlesque and Slow Train Coming… it certainly would have been commercially successful, but who can know the mysterious ways of Bob Dylan?)

I'd say it's more characteristic of Bob Dylan to do a cover album of obscure folk songs, like he did with World Gone Wrong.

I also like the way Bob Dylan has no problems mixing secular songs like "Must Be Santa" with religious songs like "O Little Town of Bethlehem." Dylan is certainly not the first one to mix secular and religious Christmas songs, in fact it’s done all the time, but it was nice to be reminded that Jolly Old Saint Nicholas and our Savior, Jesus Christ are not mutually exclusive.

One of the big things that sets Christmas in the Heart apart from most other Bob Dylan albums is that people can actually understand what the lyrics mean. Contrast some typical Bob Dylan lyrics from "Chimes of Freedom":

“Through the wild cathedral evening the rain unraveled tales for the disrobed faceless forms of no position”

to the lyrics on this new Christmas album:

“Here comes Santa Claus here comes Santa Claus here comes Santa Claus right down Santa Claus lane”

And I like the way Bob Dylan doesn’t sing the Christmas songs in a sarcastic way, as if he's playing a joke on his audience. No, Dylan gives the songs the respect they deserve, he commits to the songs, and he sings them in a really nice way. The album is straightforward, simple, and great.

I'm not sure if I have a favorite song. They’re all good. But I particularly like "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" and "Must Be Santa." I had never heard "Must Be Santa" before, so I thought maybe Bob Dylan wrote it, but no, the liner notes say that some guys named William Fredericks and Hal Moore wrote the song... but one of the cool things about the song is that it's got an accordion in it. It’s fun!

Ha! I just went to Rolling and read some of the reviews of Christmas in the Heart. This one is a riot!

thefinerthings writes:

5 of 5 Stars

In this brilliant masterpiece of an album, Dylan puts a mirror in the face of American culture... and what America sees is not pretty. His gravelly voice implies a harsh new reality facing the nation. His rapidly increasing age is obvious in his voice, and through this he highlights the shameful rush towards progress, and bemoans the leaving behind of what were once treasures. With so many bands today focusing on materialism, Dylan takes the road less traveled by in portraying the sweat of the worker, the greed of the owner, the dreams of the children, the love of the parents, and the common hope for a better future, all under the guise of Christmas Carols. And in the end, this makes all the difference.

Some people take Bob Dylan much too seriously. And some people take themselves much too seriously. Like that reviewer, thefinerthings. Did you catch the pretentious allusion to "The Road Less Traveled By" by Robert Frost? I put it in bold.

And uh... were I and that reviewer listening to the same album? Where did he (she?) hear Bob Dylan singing about the "sweat of the worker" and "the greed of the owner"? All I heard about was the little drummer boy and the baby Jesus.

Certainly thfinerthings must be a Marxist, twisting Bob Dylan's innocent, American, wholesome Christmas album into communist propaganda!

Hmm. Thefinerthings must be more enlightened than I am. He can hear the true meaning of Bob Dylan's deep parables. Whatever.

I think Bob Dylan just wanted to sing some nice Christmas songs, and I’m glad he did. Bob Dylan did a good job. Oh, and all the profits from the album go to feeding the hungry, and so that's great, too.

What I’m wondering is, where will Bob Dylan go next? I hope he puts out more albums like Love and Theft. Well, wherever Dylan goes, I want to go too.

Thanks, Borris, for giving me the album for Christmas. I hope you don’t mind that I opened it early.


Monday, December 21, 2009

Heading Back to Egypt

Dear Readers,

I wish I was a Teletubby.

As much as I give lip service to the notions of rugged individualism and self-government, all I really want to be is Tinky-Winky. Or Po. Or any of those little guys.

I want to play hide and go seek and play with fun magic things that fall from the sky. I want a television built into my stomach, and I want it to play the most wonderful shows for me to watch whenever I please! And I want that beautiful baby-sun to laugh at me all the time, and I want to eat gobs and gobs of Tubby Tustard and Tubby Toast, whenever I feel like it, and I want Noo-noo to take care of me.

Never mind about defending sovereignty and working for a living and engaging in capitalistic endeavors. Never mind about unpleasant, difficult things.

All I want now is to sit by the flesh pots of Egypt, and eat bread to the full.


Thursday, December 17, 2009

Monday, December 14, 2009

17 Things to Put in Your Folk Song

Dear Readers,

If you ever find yourself in need of writing a folk song in a jiffy, this list should get you started.

This list was compiled through arduous listening sessions to music compiled by Alan Lomax, Harry Smith, and Moses Asch… oh and you know and stuff by Woody Guthrie and Leadbelly and Roscoe Holcomb and Robert Johnson and all those old-timey folk singers that are so much better than the musicians today.

So much better.

I say so much better mostly because all those old folk singers are dead, and I have no access to them, except through glimpses of their glory captured on vinyl.

And the things I have no access to always seem great. Like Heaven.

I don’t mean Heaven is forever shut to me, but I mean that right this second the Holy Place of Never-ending Bliss is far, far away.

Maybe if we started singin' about the things in this list, we'd produce better music. Ha ha ha.

Without further ado, here’s the list:

1. Dust

2. Trains

3. Boots

4. Oh

5. them rich folk from town

6. that old river

7. fruit

8. Ol’ Bill

9. Moonshine

10. the paper

11. injustice

12. women

13. animals

14. cotton

15. Standin’ on the corner

16. Momma

17. a graveyard


Saturday, December 12, 2009

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

My letter to the President

Dear Readers,

Here's a letter I just emailed to President Obama:

President Obama,

Global Warming isn't real.

Please look into "Climategate" and take the research of climate change skeptics seriously, and don't sign the treaty at Copenhagen. You will make America less free and less great if you sign that treaty.

Thank you for your service to your country.


And here's a great video about the global warming myth:


Friday, December 4, 2009

IPCC Chairman = Creepo!!!

Dear Readers,
Look, it's Dr. Rajendra K Pachauri, the leader of the IPCC (International Panel on Climate Change), which is part of the United Nations. They're the group that keeps telling us that we need to set up a world government to stop global warming. They're the group that keeps trying to make us all slaves or cavemen, or enslaved cavemen.
OK, maybe that's not exactly what they're trying to do... but it's pretty close!
Well, I think the Chairman = creepo!!! Look at his pic! Spot of white in his beard... doesn't he just look like a criminal?
He reminds me of Professor Coldheart from the Carebears.
P.S global warming isn't real

Animal Sacrifice Isn't that Big of a Deal!

Hey Telemoonfa,

I'm a cow and I hacked into your blog and I gotta tell you that you ought to stop making such a big deal out of animal sacrifce. I'm gonna get killed pretty soon so people can eat me. That's the grim reality me and all my cow friends and family face. Moo. I don't really care if my execution is part of a religious ceremony or not.

Secret Cow who hacked into Telemoonfa Time

Thursday, December 3, 2009

I'm really not trying to be Islamaphobic, but...

Dear Readers,

I'm really not trying to be Islamaphobic, but have you heard the news about the suicide bomber in Somalia who killed 19 people at a medical school graduation?

Those soon-to-be doctors could have helped the lives of so many people in the troubled nation of Somalia, but now they're dead.

And did you hear the news about Fort Hood a few weeks ago?

And did you hear the news about [insert act of Islamic terrorism here]

Are they totally unrelated stories? No, I don't think so. I think there's a commonality between today's suicide bombing and the recent Fort Hood tragedy. And the commonality starts with the letter "I" and ends with "slam".

Sorry to point that out.

Christians are terrorists too, sometimes.

But I don't want to become hateful, you know? I don't want to think bad things when I see a Muslim family buying groceries at Fry's. I want to love everyone and get along peacefully with everybody.


Job Hunting Part Three

Dear Readers,

I had an interview the other day with Home Depot. It was for a "freight team" position. The position involved moving merchandise around using handtrucks, pallet jacks, and forklifts and putting stuff on the shelves where they go, you know, and the hours would have been great. My wife and I wouldn't have needed to get a babysitter.

But they didn't hire me. Maybe it's because I'm overqualified.

Ha ha ha. Overqualified.

I like thinking that's the reason they didn't hire me because it sort of helps my self-esteem. It's like when I was in school and I could'nt understand an assigment, I would just say to myself, "I'm too smart for this assignment! I'm like a genius who doesn't fit into the system."


What does that mean anyway?

There should be no such thing as an overqualified applicant. I think really smart and skilled and experienced should be the first to get the job. Even if Barack Obama applied to work at Subway, I think Subway should hire him because Obama is so smart and... (oh, wait that example doesn't work.) But you know what I mean.

Seriously folks! If you were the hiring person, wouldn't you hire the people who dress really nice and act polite and have spent a whole lot of time in college? But maybe jobs like working on the freight team go to big hulking guys who got kicked off their high school football team for doing drugs in the boy's room.

Or maybe there were more qualified applicants.

But wait! Sometimes teaching is bearable... and sometimes it's more than bearable... sometimes it's enjoyable, a little bit... and sometimes I think that maybe I could be a teacher for a longer time... and I think maybe they'll hire me back next year full time.

But if they don't hire me back, then I think I might go to truck driving school in the summer and then drive a big old honker all over this country, man, and stop at the truck stops and go honk honk honk and drink caffinated beverages all the time and listen to rock and roll on the radio, and get very very unhygenic. I might get lonely, but at least with the radio I'll have a disembodied voice to keep me company, and I'll start howling at the moon.


flowers and babies everywhere!!!


Te gusta espanol?

Me gusta it!!!

Her shirt says "pretty as a flower" and that's soooooo fitting b/c she IS pretty as a flower---

A Super-FLOWER!!!

and did you see the little flower on her headband and the headband on her cutie pie face head???!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!

and the flowers on her chair and the flowers on her onsie and the flower on her head and all the flowers in the WORLD!!!

Tenemos picturas para los cuties de infantas 4-ever!!! AMore!

I blog @ Spanish b/c for U!!!



Animals Do Animal Sacrifice!!!

Dear Readers,

Animals do animal sacrifice!!!