Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Hindus Do Animal Sacrifice!

Dear Readers,

Hindus do animal sacrifice!

How did I not know about that? I'm 26! I thought Budhism and Hinduism and all those Eastern philosophies/religions that nobody really is but everybody really wants to get into someday were supposed to be really peaceful and in tune with the natural world and animal friendly.

I'm not mad at Hindus for doing animal sacrifice, by the way. I think it's kind of cool. But I'm concerned that nobody knows that Hinduism endorses animal sacrifice, and lots of it. Or at least when I would have conversations with college students about religion, they would always talk vaguely about how great Eastern spirituality was, and they would always hint that Christianity was lame.

I wonder if you wonder if I have some kind of hatred toward animals.

Um... I pushed a cat off of a second story balcany one time. I felt bad afterwards. The worst part about it is that I was a missionary at the time.

It was on impulse. (I was "in the moment" as Adam Lambert said of his bromantical kiss.) Let's see what I remember... Another missionary and I were walking up some stairs... I think there was a little bit of snow on the ground, but not very much. It was cold, I remember. Very very cold. And there was this cat standing on a railing, and I just nudged him off. On purpose. I watched him fall all the way down to the sidewalk. He smacked it and meowed in pain, and then he got up and limped away. That was the last I ever saw of him.

And maybe a neighbor saw me push the cat. I don't know.

So there's probably someone in Morgantown, West Virginia right now yelling, "No way am I joining the LDS church- they're the Church of the Cat-Pushers!"

Say Lah Vee.

But animal sacrifice is a lot cooler than what I did, because the Hindus are hurting animals for God, and what I was doing was... I don't know why I did it.


Telling People When They Can Go To The Bathroom

Dear Readers,

Have you ever had the pleasure of telling a bunch of little kids when they can and can't go to the bathroom? I have. I feel like writing a poem about it.

When I am in front of the students,
and I want to say the word "ooodents"
(even though it's not really a word but the un-really word really rhymes with students,
and the plural of ooodents is ooodents
and POOF now I know that the word
is a word that I've certainly heard
from the upside-down mouths of kabloo-dents
and thus is real)

They raise their hands and say, "I have to go to the bathroom"
and they get up and say, "I have to go to the bathroom"
and they wiggle and giggle and spiggle and say, "I have to go to the bathroom"
(don't ask about spiggle)

And I say, "But class, class, don't you know,
that it's important to know
all about Kabuki and all about Noh?"

"No!" "Yeah right!" "I gotta go so bad!"
"I hurt down there! So bad!"
"I'm gonna tell my Dad
that you would'nt let me tinkle,
and just wait 'til he sprinkles
you with pain!"
It's an emergency!"

So I let them go. All of them.

Gasp! It comes to me! They're lying.
Those liars, lying.
They went 5 minutes ago. They didn't really need to go. Liars.
They won't come back, those liars, lying.
They'll put their gang signs all over the stall walls. Gangsters!
Lying gangsters!
Gasp! The children might smoke.

It's the parent's fault.
And the Democrats' fault.


Job Hunting Part Two

Dear Readers,

OK, so that job with Fry's didn't work out because the Union decided not to strike... and uh... other places interviewed me but didn't hire me, and now Home Depot is going to interview me next Tuesday. I might be on the "freight team" which means I could unload trucks, move stuff from the back to the floor, use pallet jacks and forklifts and handtrucks and get all dirty and sweaty and ha ha ha and work with my body, which is good for the soul.

And the schedule should work out to where we won't have to get a babysitter. I can't imagine getting a babysitter for my three-month-old daughter. That would be horrible.

I still might be a teacher forever. I don't really know. I guess it depends on how next semester goes. And it depends on whether or not the administration wants to hire me back. I can understand them not wanting to hire me back next year. And I can also understand me not wanting to go back next year.

I'll tell you, physical labor, that's the kind of work that makes a man feel like a man- not this namby pamby stuff I've been doing at school- standing in circles with middle-schoolers, playing zip zap boink and pretending we're mimes, being all sensitive to little girls' feelings... I might as well be a hair stylist!


Adam Lambert!!!! Andy Warhol!!!!

Dear Readers,

OK fellas, let take this to a whole nuvva level!!!

Listen to my commentation NEWS style 5000!

I used to like Adam Lambert a lot. I thought he was great on American Idol. Like remember his trippy version of "Ring of Fire"? Some people called it weird (in a bad way) but I called it weird (in a good way.) And remember his "Whole Lotta Love" performance? He was totally great and entertaining and awesome, and I was sort of rooting for him to win it all, even though I didn't admit it... because maybe I was supposed to go for the Christian... well... I didn't watch it much last season, but... Adam Lambert was really really awesome...

But now he's not cool anymore.

Well, he's still cool, but he's not all the way cool, you know?


I always have this problem with guys like Adam Lambert. They're really good singers, they're fun, I get just a little bit jealous of their stardom and gutsiness and rock-n-rollenness, but then they get all sinful.


Say La Vee.

Like Andy Warhol too! I like his art but oh my some of the things he did in his free time... and some of his "artwork"... THEY'RE UNMENTIONABLE!!!


Things I'm thankful for

Dear Readers,

As Thanksgiving approaches, it becomes and behooves us to pause and reflect on our blessings. Pause with me, won't you?

OK, are you done pausing?

Hey, stop pausing so you can read my list of things I'm thankful for:

1. Mitt Romney

Seriously Mitt Romney is so awesome and he will win in 2012 Hooray!

2. Sarah Palin

Seriously Sarah Palin is also so awesome and she can be Mitt Romney's vice president, Hey I want her new book, by the way, if any of you are thinking about buying me stuff for Christmas. Just mail presents to:

Camoflauged Secret Bunker # 41
Undercoverville, USA

3. Ted Nugent

(Cat Scratch Fever!!!)

4. My bunker stocked with guns and gold

5. My secret knowledge that Global Warming is bunk

6. My hunch that Al Gore is unhappy inside

7. Toast toasted by toasters using the power of Dirty Coal

8. Big trucks that go honk honk

9. Dead birds that I get hot and then bite


Wooah positive!

Dear Readers,

Hey have you ever heard these lyrics before, I've heard these lyrics before!

Positive vibration oohhhh, Positive! I'm feeling good now!

Rastaman vibration woahh eye-in-eye.

That's Bob Marley.

Bob Marley, man, one time, he was at a peace concert- doing music for peace, and it was in Jamaica, and it was the morning before the concert, and he got shot, man, Bob Marley, some guy just shot him, and then you know what he did? He KEPT ON SINGING and he went on that night and there was this one song, maybe it was jamming I wanna jam with you now, we're jamming, no it wasn't jamming, it was Buffalo Soldier, no it was... what was that song? Was it Jamming? Like we're feeling good? No... wait... stolen from Africa.... no, man, wait, man, uh, I think it was jamming, and he put that line in there "No bullet will stop me now"

No bullet can stop us now.

It was beautiful, and everybody felt it.


P.S. Wanna play hackey-sack?

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Exploding Vampires 7

It’s about all these vampires, same ones from one
two three four five and six except they’re buffer now
and they all sneak into this guy’s houseboat
and the guys get out AK-47’s and
Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh

they just blast them all
and stab them sometimes too, with big old machetes,
Like in movies 1 through 6, too,
But in this one
the vampires have true hearts,
so it gets kind of sissy
and they love people and everything,
not just lust, but real emotional stuff
but the people don’t love them back

and the vampires just WHAM explode.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Looking for a job

Dear Readers,

Maybe I should be a truck driver.

Truck drivers usually get paid more than teachers, and they get to listen to the radio all the time, and they get to see the country. And the country is beautiful. And I like looking at maps.

And there are lots of openings for truck drivers. I see them all the time.

I might go to trucking school in May after this school year if I don’t find something else by then.

I’d do long hauls around the country for a while, maybe a year, and then work my way into more local jobs, so I could spend more time at home.

Or maybe I’d like driving a Greyhound bus.

I spent a lot of time the other day looking at this charming web site:

But I don’t think I’ll really be a trucker, mostly because I’d be away from my family so much. Also, truckers are often lonely, depressed, and addicted to chemical stimulants.

Maybe I could work for UPS or the Post Office… I’ve already applied to those places, and I actually have an interview this Friday with the Post Office to be a temporary holiday postal worker.

Maybe I could try to become a community college professor. I almost have my Master’s degree in English. Community college professors have really easy jobs, I think… for the most part, anyway. They don’t have to worry about classroom management.

I don’t think teaching is working out for me. Have I told you that?

I teach two classes of drama at a middle school, and one class is pretty good and the other class is awful. Just awful. And almost every day I ask myself the question: Is it me or is it them? And I think it’s me, because those students don’t behave that way for their other teachers…

And you remember what happened with my English classes, faithful readers.

I got a job at Fry’s today! That’s good news. I don’t know what I’ll be doing yet. Maybe running a cash register, maybe collecting carts and bagging groceries, or maybe stocking the shelves. Fry’s workers are going on strike this Friday at 6 p.m., and the job I got will only last until the strike is over.

I suppose there’s a possibility if the strike lasts a long time, I could keep the job at Fry’s, which would be cool, I think.

I’m going to be one of the people crossing the picket line to do the jobs of the striking workers. I suppose that’s bad, whatever, it’s not that bad bad.

What’s bad bad is the shooting at Fort Hood. That’s bad bad.

Happy Veteran’s Day tomorrow.

So much is happening in this old wicked world.

Other good news: I met a lady from church who runs this business around Christmas time that writes people’s names on Christmas decorations, and she said if I have okay penmanship, she would hire me. It’s seasonal. Sounds OK.

Lately I’ve been looking closely at the people I see working at grocery stores and gas stations and construction sites and whatnot and wondering if they’re happy with their jobs. Some of them look content, some of them look sad, and some of them look like everyday they have a great day at work.

Like this guy at a Midas car fix-it place. He was great. He loved what he did. He was experienced. He was good at it. In fact, I wish I was a car mechanic. I’ve never had the brain for it. I suppose if I applied myself and really tried to learn it, I could learn how to fix cars… but I’m too namby-pamby and sissy for that kind of work. I should have taken wood shop and auto in high school, man. I really should have. I should have learned a useful trade. I still could… well…

And I’ve thought about going to law school, too. My brother’s a lawyer. I’m pretty sure I could get into a law school. But I’d be afraid that I’d go to school for 3 years, get into mountains of debt, and then when I got to be a lawyer… what if I didn’t like the job that much? What if I was miserable at it?

I got a job at Fry’s, so that’s good news.

And my daughter is doing well. She’s asleep on the couch, keeping me company.

How are you doing?


Wednesday, November 4, 2009

More Pictures of my Daughter

Dear Readers,

For more pictures of my daughter, go to:

She's so wonderful!